So tired of more hurdles to tackle

[Margm]

23 hours ago, CairnLady said:

All of this plus my PTSD/anxiety combines to make it oh so hard to get out “in the world”

No assumptions CL.  It all goes along with what we say.  I was a medical transcriptionist in my home most of the 43 years, retired from two hospitals.  Loved going to work at the hospital, hated staying at home.  When I would go to Walmart after a week "alone" without getting out of the house I would pick up some gastrointestinal problems just from being around people (and of course, the radiated belly).  We all hear what we want to hear, we all assume people mean certain things and the old saying is true about "assume."  I wish you well on your path and I understand the working at home.  My ankles still swell if I am under this computer too long.  Had a ganglion on my foot from the foot pedal.  Now I wish I had quit many years ago because Billy felt guilty me working and him out alone fishing.  All those years of doing my "hobby" working (we already had our retirements), and I should have been with him.  We are all lost here.  We just do the best we can.  This is a Monday and I am in a terrible mood.  So much to do and I don't want to do any of it so I am going to watch the NCIS-LA and Madam Secretary TV shows I have recorded.  I do wish you a better day and no pain.  (Although the pain, we cannot wish away).

[CairnLady]

Yes, guess I’m somewhat overwhelmed  and overly sensitive myself. Michael’s birthday Is this Friday and it’s just wreaking extra havoc with my emotions.

Working from home never bothered me a bit until he died. He would call, or send me texts, pictures of funny or interesting things he came across  while he was at work, or some corny joke, and I always knew he was coming home.

[Margm]

I'm sorry CL.  I would be on the computer doing my "hobby" work because I loved it.  Billy was retired and would sit on the couch where I could reach out and touch him.  He would wrap fishing rods (you could buy blank rods and get the equipment to put all the other things on) and he would tie flies for bass fishing.  All my working did was make us pay more taxes, when I quit working we got our first tax return but Billy filled out those last tax papers but never got to see the return........because of my "hobby" working.  I should have retired that 2nd time and stayed retired.  We had 80 years work together.  I wish I had quit sooner.  He worked 37 years and I just had to beat him with 43.  It wasn't worth it.  Maybe this is blue Monday for sure.  We all just miss them so much.

[kayc]

CairnLady,

I understand.  I never minded solitude before either...because I always knew he was coming home or calling at a certain time.  It sure makes a difference.

 

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, CairnLady said:

Yes, guess I’m somewhat overwhelmed  and overly sensitive myself. Michael’s birthday Is this Friday and it’s just wreaking extra havoc with my emotions.

Working from home never bothered me a bit until he died. He would call, or send me texts, pictures of funny or interesting things he came across  while he was at work, or some corny joke, and I always knew he was coming home.

I’m so sorry, CL, that you are facing this.  Once happy days turned inside out.

Steve saved all the post it notes I left around for him.  I found on in his car to remind him that the furry kids and I loved him taped to a visor.    There is a framed picture in his bathroom covered in them and all are signed with a heat and Gwen.  I haven’t drawn that heart in over 3 years.  He came up with silly poems and different lyrics to songs he’d sing.  Those little things we did so easily are now monumental.  I’d give anything to drawn that funky heart and paste it somewhere.  Now all my notes are to me because my memory is about useless.  I never minded his being gone, as you said.....he always came home.  I miss the dogs going nuts if I heard his van first saying....is that your dad?  I miss that kiss when he walked in.  

[mittam99]

9 hours ago, CairnLady said:

Yes, guess I’m somewhat overwhelmed  and overly sensitive myself. Michael’s birthday Is this Friday and it’s just wreaking extra havoc with my emotions.

Working from home never bothered me a bit until he died. He would call, or send me texts, pictures of funny or interesting things he came across  while he was at work, or some corny joke, and I always knew he was coming home.

It's so hard. When we had our soul mate, no matter how difficult things may have gotten, we were where we wanted to be. We felt happiness and comfort and love. We were part of what felt like a perfect team. Not that we were perfect people but we were perfect for each other. Tammy and I used to say we were two peas in the pod. She was the peanut butter, I was the jelly. 

Now alone, this existence we trod through is some sort of odd mix of loneliness, emptiness and meaninglessness. Along the way, mix in those grief waves that hit you in a gut wrenching way. And people who don't truly understand the enormity of our loss or the pain we're in.

It's amazing that we even roll out of bed and face this world. But we do. And all you can do is face it to the best of your ability with that love your beloved gave you tightly wrapped in your heart. We can never let go of that feeling. Never.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, mittam99 said:

And all you can do is face it to the best of your ability with that love your beloved gave you tightly wrapped in your heart.

That's about it in a nutshell.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello @CairnLady.  I am glad you found your way here. 

It is a great place to come and just be yourself.  I appreciate when people on here are able to say that they misunderstood something or that they made an error in something.  I also appreciate when I read on here about others who are feeling as I do or are in similar circumstances and how they are dealing with it.  The very best thing is hearing from others here who are finding some moments of joy or having less deep grief.

I can relate to many of the things you have mentioned, I am so sorry that you have lost your special love.  I pray that tomorrow isn't too painful for you. ❤️

Marita