An observation from my grief

[mittam99]

It's been over 38 months since that dreadful day of March 6, 2015. The day that my life changed in so many ways and none of them good. Tammy made everything better for me, plain and simple. She gave me love I never dreamed of and allowed me to shower her with my deep love for her. The only way I'm surviving in this new world is to live with her in my heart with the hope that we will reunite in some way.

I wanted to discuss an observation I've noted that may or may not be unique to my journey. On the one hand, we all talk about those anniversaries like our loved ones death, birthdays, holidays etc. as being days we dread. And they are. Yet I find it's the anticipation of those days that's actually as painful or more so then the actual day of the event.

What I've noticed is my most intense moments of sadness and tears happen during a very particular type of scenario. A perfect example was yesterday watching the Preakness horse race (an event that happens in my city). As the horses lined up at the gate, the tears started to well up and got more intense. I started crying out "Tammy should be here... Tammy should be here"...

It's events like this or historic moments in the news... or a new season of a TV show that we liked... or me cooking something that I know that Tammy would love. It's those moments when my grief bursts out from deep in my soul with an intensity that takes my breath away. After I calmed down yesterday I tried to understand why this happens. Why are these the moments my angst and pain are the worst...

It's those moments I would have shared with my Tammy. Moments we might smile about or cry about or talk about. Now these same events happen with me surrounded by no one. It's emphasizing both the extent of my "aloneness" and the permanence of it. And it hurts. It hurts knowing that the woman I loved more than life itself is gone. It hurts because Tammy was a wonderful, beautiful person who suffered so much throughout most of her life. No one should die at 45 years old in our modern world. It hurts because I had a life I loved with Tammy. And now I have "this".  "This" being whatever you call this often meaningless world I live in. The enormity of my loss and my grief is often too much to bear.

Yet, I do bounce back. I do continue to try my best. I push forward in a way that I hope would make Tammy proud because she is and always will be my inspiration. And she's my perfect wife, forever and always for all eternity.

Mitch

[Gin]

Mitch, your story sounds so familiar.  Al nd I adored each other.    We were both widowed and met on the Internet.  I ran across emails from the first few weeks and months of our romance.  I just sat there and cried.  Never in my widest dreams could I ever have imagined the love we shared for the next 16 years.  We were in our 60s.  It is so hard to experience life without him.  

[CairnLady]

Mitch

Your words are as if they were my own. My hardest times, and ambushes of grief are always brought on by the events, happenings and things I would have shared with Michael, but no longer can. Meals for example, Michael was an awesome cook, a master chef even though he had no formal training. The last thing he made for me before I lost him was lasagna. I will never be able to eat lasagna ever again. Last year was my 20 year service anniversary at my job. I received a nice award for my desk and letter telling me how to select my  own personal gift. This was something that would have sent me running to Michael when he got home, like a kid, saying “look what I got today!!!” and would have sat down with him to have him help me pick out my gift. He would have been so happy and proud of me. Instead I just sat at my desk and cried and cried, talking to the ceiling saying “Look what I got today Michael”

Having no one to care how you’re day went, to no longer be the most important person to someone, and them to be yours, no more hugs, holding hands, sweet kisses, inside jokes, the sharing make it all so very very hard. Now it seems all is hollow and without meaning.

 

[kayc]

This is the one thing we can't get away from, the disparity between what our life with them was...and "this".  We do our best with it, but at the end of the day, "this" is what we're left with.  And it's different, so very different.  It's not what we expected, signed on for, hope for, dreamed about.  All the while watching the rest of the world go on with their lives as usual.  It colors how we view things.  We watch Meghan and Harry beginning their lives and we remember feeling that way...now we have the realization that life doesn't always go as planned, as expected.  It throws kinks in, huge kinks!

[mittam99]

Kay, none of us signed up for "this' for sure. But, the worst happened and we're left behind to somehow find our way in a life that's nothing like the life we had before.  A life that feel like so much going through to motions of existing. We're here, but at times (actually most of the time) our heart really isn't into it. The passion and the zest is missing. Without our soul mate we feel so empty and the love that we had in abundance, is nowhere to be found. I know It's a bit of a dreary, dismal picture I'm painting. Yet somehow, we're supposed to find comfort or even happiness within these walls of grief that surround us and to an extent, imprison us.

I wish I had the answers or had the key to finding happiness. I've read the books, listened to the lectures, had grief therapy, read the posts... and still, I'm clueless. I'm searching but coming up empty. And so it goes...

[TomPB]

I find that I'm not as bad as I feared on the big days, and then have a horrible grief attack the next day.

Last night I got on the wrong train for the first time in  my life. I was waiting for the Providence train, tired, and when the Worcester train was announced I got right on. Why would I do that? It's the train that Susan took to work. Strange things happen in grief world.

[TomPB]

Happened again At a concert last night I felt the grief lift for a while, almost like a physical thing. Then I woke this AM thinking of finding Susan lifeless. Everything is a wave.

[scba]

On Monday, May 21, 2018 at 5:50 PM, mittam99 said:

I'm searching but coming up empty. And so it goes...

(I don't mean to preach religion with the following)

From "Jackie", the movie (last scene)

The Priest: There comes a time in man's search for meaning when one realises that there are no answers. And when you come to that horrible, unavoidable realization, you accept it or you kill yourself. Or you simply stop searching... I have lived a blessed life. And yet every night, when I climb into bed, turn off the lights, and stare in to the dark, I wonder... Is this all there is?

 

Jackie Kennedy: You wonder?

 

The Priest: Every soul on this planet does. But then, when morning comes, we all wake up and make a pot of coffee.

 

Jackie Kennedy: Why do we bother?

 

The Priest: Because we do. You did this morning, you will again tomorrow. But God, in his infinite wisdom, has made sure it is just enough for us.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I remember that scene in Jackie and the impact it made on me.  Acceptance or meaninglessness.  I struggle with that every day.  Wonder which one will win.  I’ve always known that life is ever changing.  But when you find yourself in a place with no good changes for years, it very hard to keep pushing on.  

[mittam99]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  Acceptance or meaninglessness.  I struggle with that every day.  

 

We kind of have to accept that this life will never be what it was. There's no way to go back and moving forward, alone, there's no way our life could ever have the same appeal it once did. I guess the trick is to somehow mold what we have and elevate it beyond meaninglessness. And that's a magic trick that as of now is not in my bag of tricks. It's beyond elusive and feels downright impossible. What's that saying? Make lemonade out of lemons? Unfortunately for us, our lemonade stand isn't open for business due to lack of motivation.

[scba]

I liked the movie very much. Most of my friends don´t and found Jackie irritating and melodramatic. Maybe because I truly understood what was Jackie doing, saying and thinking. I think the movie is not about Jackie Kennedy herself, but about grief. In the final scenes she says to the priest something like: "I should have understood that he was shot, If I did I could have saved him".

I thought the same once, and I guess everybody here thought the same regardless the circumstances of their death. Love was not enough to save them. 

The thing is....the whole issue is STILL about love. Without them here. 

 

 

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, scba said:

...The thing is....the whole issue is STILL all about love. Without them here. 

 

 

Such a profound statement!

The grief we all experience is another expression of the deep and profound love we shared together.... Only now we are NOT together. 

The month of May is one of my difficult months because of the memories, special occasions, birthdays, etc...  On this my fourth trip around the calendar of "ARC"(after Rose Anne left)  I have come to realize that this is the journey I will travel to the end of my days.

ACCEPTANCE  of life on life's terms is challenging.  The hills and valleys are still here and this time around the mountain I chose to not give these feelings verbal legs beyond acknowledging them and letting them go.  Life still plods forward but not with the zest and zeal of the past. Each of us needs to learn what tools will work for us as each year the tools we need change.

I am grateful for this forum and share this place with people I meet who are grieving and seeking answers to questions that people in this group (tribe) has an intimate understanding and empathy.  - Shalom

[kayc]

Meaninglessness is not a word I'd ascribe to my life.  Hard yes, but not meaningless...continually learning and just trying to make it through...

[mittam99]

Kay, that's an impressive feat. For me, as much as I try to make things feel meaningful, they just don't. Having a life with Tammy brought love and a new meaning to my life. We were a team and although our life was far from easy, it was easy to find purpose.

I guess I don't find "just trying to make it through" very meaningful. And yes, I am continually learning and pushing and trying. But there's little to no lasting satisfaction from it.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I want to recommend to all of you a book I'm reading now by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD ~ himself a highly respected author and educator on the topics of companioning others and healing in grief ~ entitled When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning. This book is aimed especially at those who've lost a soulmate ~ the person you would describe as the love of your life.

In the Preface, Alan writes, "The soulmate's grief is unique . . . It is more profound and pervasive. It is more akin to the death of a twin. It is the severing of a timeless relationship, one possibly formed before life here on earth . . ."

From Amazon's description:

You were one of the lucky ones. You found a partner or friend with whom you shared a deeply profound connection. You understood, opened fully to, served, and challenged one another. You were the heroes of each other’s lives. You lived a grand adventure together. But now that your partner has died, what felt like luck may have turned to wretched despair. How do you go on? How do you live without your champion and other half? The answer is that you mourn as you loved: heroically, grandly, and fully. In this compassionate guide by one of the world’s most beloved grief counselors, you’ll find empathetic affirmation and advice intermingled with real-life stories from other halved soulmates. Learn to honor your loved one and your grief even as you find a path to a renewed life of purpose and joy.

 

[Gwenivere]

I lay in bed every morning with my mind screaming NO!  Please don’t make me get up to do another day empty inside.  They keep getting worse without meaning.  Everything I do is just a structure now to not sit here and feel the pain.  It doesn’t really work, but I don’t know what else to do.  I try changing things around but it adds to the knowledge it will never be remotely close to what fulfilled me before.  

The book you recommend, Marty,  sounds right on.  Don’t know if I can take on another one as I’ve yet to find one anymore that helps beyond affirming this is hell.  Advice on finding renewed purpose I gobbled up in the beginning.  I  can’t even fathom the word joy.  I almost resent it saying we were lucky, but I know what he means as we truly were.  Doesn’t feel so lucky now as everything I do leaves me wondering why.  That grand adventure WAS life together.   Steve left behind no tangible worries.  All of which I would trade for him back.  I’d rather struggle with him if need be.  Be the team again.  Try making an outsider understand that, it can’t be done.  I don’t know how many times I have been told I am fortunate.  Fortunate?  I can only guess they don’t have the soulmate partner.  They don’t know how much that hurts to hear.  

I guess I can’t find a way to mourn deeper and keep hold of what little threads I cling to to live without him.  The ultimate irony is every aspect of life becoming a chore when we have the least amount of energy.  And that honor thing?  Still baffles me as I can’t see how I can honor him more than living a life so empty without him.  That is how much he means to me.  24/7 missing every part of him.

[mittam99]

Gwen, I think we're all going through the motions to an extent. This wasn't how our ideal dream of life was supposed to go. It's getting up to another day of sameness. Even if we switch things up, ultimately it feels no different. That's where I'm stuck. How do I go beyond functioning to actually feeling some sense of enjoyment? I know Tammy would want me to be happy. No doubt about that. But how?

[Gwenivere]

Does anyone else have what I call 'witching hours'?   Mornings are always bad, but when I come home and finish changing and feeding the dogs I become acutely aware of the loneliness.  Some nights it isn’t as bad as others, but its always there.  The sun starts setting and I know it will be another night alone and terribly long.  I actually thought I was doing ok when I was out, but I could feel it welling up and waiting as I closed the driveway gate and knew the silence that awaited within.  Saturday nights were our date night and I’ve never adjusted to it becoming more lonely missing our talks.  Being out in the world at our favorite restaurant.  Coming home to a rented movie and sharing some wine.  Putting on date night lipstick and some nice top.  Same for Steve sans the lipstick.  💔

The littlest things that were our world forever gone.  Back to video games and a sub sandwich I picked up on the way home.  

[scba]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Putting on date night lipstick and some nice top.  

I have that kind of clothes and make up, in a box . It is strange how some clothes are not used not because of fit or out of fashion,

[CairnLady]

Yes, I too have “witching hours” which are the worst of the worst. Mine is the mornings, I never sleep well, but like clockwork, around 6:30 am I become riddled with angst and terrible anxiety. I believe (and my grief counselor says it probably is as well) that it’s because 6:30am was when I got the call from that cold and callous doctor to tell me “my husband was going to die” and I collapsed on the floor (I was all alone, then, as I am now, and have been since he had the stroke) . That day was July 7th, our wedding anniversary and anniversary of the day we met. I believe it made a terrible “imprint” on me, (aside from the PTSD I now have) emotionally, physically, on my very soul. Then I have to face the fact again, over and over, that my beloved Michael is gone and never coming back. I get out of the bed and break down crying immediately. I call it the morning grief ambush, and sometimes the grief ambushes go on all day. Some days I can pull myself together a bit after I spend some times with my dogs, who always come to me when I cry, to comfort me. Weekends are horrible as well. Cripes, every day is a struggle, and every day I wonder if I can make it, keep going.

[TomPB]

23 hours ago, MartyT said:

Dear ones, I want to recommend to all of you a book I'm reading now by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD ~ himself a highly respected author and educator on the topics of companioning others and healing in grief ~ entitled When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning. This book is aimed especially at those who've lost a soulmate ~ the person you would describe as the love of your life.

In the Preface, Alan writes, "The soulmate's grief is unique . . . It is more profound and pervasive. It is more akin to the death of a twin. It is the severing of a timeless relationship, one possibly formed before life here on earth . . ."

From Amazon's description:

You were one of the lucky ones. You found a partner or friend with whom you shared a deeply profound connection. You understood, opened fully to, served, and challenged one another. You were the heroes of each other’s lives. You lived a grand adventure together. But now that your partner has died, what felt like luck may have turned to wretched despair. How do you go on? How do you live without your champion and other half? The answer is that you mourn as you loved: heroically, grandly, and fully. In this compassionate guide by one of the world’s most beloved grief counselors, you’ll find empathetic affirmation and advice intermingled with real-life stories from other halved soulmates. Learn to honor your loved one and your grief even as you find a path to a renewed life of purpose and joy.

 

Marty, I'm gonna get this book. There are so many books and blogs out there that my usual reaction is that yet another is not going to help me, but acknowledging the uniqueness of the grief of losing a soulmate is refreshing, when the default seems to be that you can't compare griefs. To me it's ridiculous to say that losing the person I intimately shared every day with is no worse than losing someone I talked to a few times weekly on the phone, but I'm just a simple 🐼, not a professional.

[Gwenivere]

Here it is, yet another morning I don’t know why I am here.  Nothing today will be any different or better than it has for so long. I’m finding it harder to get up every day.  Im scared how much my thinking is being altered by this constant loneliness and lack of human interaction that has little meaning.  Sporadic and with no one that is close to me.  I don’t know what it’s like to have a conversation that is not always feeling I don’t belong here anymore.  Routines are changed from when it was shared to being robotic.  I was taking my morning pills and saw I made mistakes on amounts when I filled the dispenser.  I fear getting my dogs pain pills out that I will someday swallow one because I can’t think clearly and assume it is for me.  I don’t know what to do.  Who to talk to not having anyone in my life.  I’m always in physical pain so shopping is hard plus a reminder of how little I need anymore.  I pass by all the things that were 'we' buys.  I just get stuff for the dogs and frozen dinners for me.  A far cry from fresh and healthy food I used to make for us.  But there is no us.  The TV is on so much at night.  Commercials about drugs, cancer or people happy about saving %15 on car insurance.  Ads for restaurants you’d go to together or with friends.  I have my dogs, but they were a part of a balanced life.  They don’t fill that 24/7 meaning.  They don’t converse.  They are like clocks fir thier needs and wander off til the next need now that life has been changed for them too.  I have this iPad when I used to read books.  I play video games just to kill time.  When I step back and look at who I have become it’s pathetic to me.  I don’t know how anyone lives without love unless they never had it.  I read how people find purpose and wonder what is wrong with me.  I can’t and what little I was left with keeps dimming.  

I keep wondering if Steve exists in any form.  If I will ever see him or any of the people and pets I loved.  It’s not something I ever thought about until this happened.  We don’t really know so the answer could be heartbreaking.  What if was no?  I can’t force myself to believe I will.  All this talk of honoring him/them.  It’s lost on me.  I think if Steve could see what I have become he would be so disappointed.  He knew me as strong and was proud of that me.  I heard him tell people.   What would he say now?  I shudder to think because I am disappointed too.   There is a saying that you can’t be going crazy if you can ask that question.  I disagree.  I know I am.  The only people to call are my counselors.  That’s pretty depressing.  I’m always losing things like someone with dementia.  Yet I can quickly fix anything the is not emotional.  

So instead of he and I getting ready to do our typical Sunday, I am writing here.  Wanting to scream this is not right.  It isn’t.  Why am on this site?   I don’t want to know it exists.  I care for so many of you here and it feels good to feel that back but I’d rather be with him.  Like that is news.  I’ll slog thru another day, take that shower I don’t care about and hope I last another week, tho I don’t know why.  I’m waiting for something.  I don’t know what anymore.  I guess for it to end.  I so want it to end.  I want me back and this new one I hate thinking I will always be.  Time to  stop rambling.  The clock says I have to throw the ball for the dogs.  I hate that clock.

 

[Gin]

Gwen, this whole grief thing is so hard.  I have gone the whole day without any meaningful interaction with any people.  I went to the health club, but there was no one I knew to talk with.  A few "hi"s.  Me and my tv.  Watching re-runs.  Everything seems so meaningless.  Do not know how to break out of this, if there even is a way.

[mittam99]

Gwen and Gin, let's face it, this existence we have is just an endless 24 hour cycle of trying to fill our time with "something". Unfortunately, that something seems mostly meaningless and repetitive and basically unfulfilling. A far cry from the life we had with our beloved where life felt like life. Where love and passion and joy and meaning was a given.

Trying to find that meaning in this world of emptiness seems like an impossible task. I think we all are trying, but alone, it's hard to muster much enthusiam or energy for that seemingly impossible dream. 

I guess I'm emotionally in a better place than I was. I don't feel as though life isn't worth living, it is. It's just so hard to find anything that ultimately doesn't feel like drudgery. Not that Tammy and me were constantly on the go or doing amazing things all the time. We were basically homebodies. And unfortunately she was ill most of the time.  But whatever we did or didn't do, we were together. Even the most mundane thing feels OK when you're with the one you love.

We all ache for the one we lost. That sadness is a constant in our lives. We miss them so much. But ultimately, its also the loneliness that makes this new life so challenging. The thing is, I found the one person who was perfect for me. There is no substitute. Tammy was and forever will be the only one for me. Yet somehow, I need to find a way to make something of my life that resembles a life. And I haven't yet figured out that formula for success.

And the beat goes on...

 

[Gin]

Even though we "accept" the fact that we will always be alone, it is so hard to put the pieces of our messed up life  together in some reasonable  fashion.  We want to be valuable in some way.  The older we get, the harder it is to even volunteer, when our bodies do not cooperate.  Too much alone time equals more loneliness.  Yes Mitch, and the beat goes on and on and on.