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An observation from my grief


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Gwen,

If it's any consolation, I inhaled my nasal spray through the mouth the other day...you're not alone in getting things mixed up, it was early morning and I wasn't thinking clearly, I have an inhaler and a nasal spray, just mixed up when I hadn't had my coffee yet.  :o

I know you're dealing with a lot of pain and it's hard being on your own so much.  If it gets worse or is hard to keep pills straight, senior services should be able to step in and help by sending someone out.  For that matter, I remember them offering help to my mom a certain number of hours a week, she could use it for house cleaning, shopping, whatever she needed.  I know you like your independence (me too) but it's an option if you find yourself needing help. 

I realize the main part of being alone that you hate is not having Steve there, no solution for that, I know how you're feeling.

 

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Interesting you brought that up, Gin.  I was thinking lots of stuff I have on are reruns of movies we.watched together when they came out for rent or I’m watching something I wish he could see because he would really like it.  Miss the banter after about our take on them.  I’ve run into a few I’ve checked the date on to see if they were pre or after his leaving.  There were a couple series he never got to see the finales of.  Felt odd watching them alone.  Just watched the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie and miss him kidding me for my crush on Jack Sparrow by Johnny Depp.  

Don’t need senior citizens help quite yet, Kay.  Just need to be more dutiful about the meds.  Helpful to hear I’m not the only one that messes up.  One of those things I never did and used to do Steve’s which were very complicated.  I’d like someone to do the basic chores around here except I would hate having people in here for things I do.  Repairs I have no choice.   At this point it would just add to the depression.  So much changing so quickly lately.  

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18 hours ago, Gin said:

We want to be valuable in some way.  The older we get, the harder it is to even volunteer, when our bodies do not cooperate.  

I hear ya Gin. No question, we all want to feel like we matter. That someone cares even just a little about us. That we can somehow make a difference. Before our loved one died, we always knew someone had our back. We knew we mattered and we were loved. These days, we have very little true emotional support. It's us and our weakened emotional state against a world that, at times, feels like it's passed us by. A world we live in, but maybe don't feel we belong in. 

It's against that not so wonderful backdrop that we're expected to not only survive, but thrive. It's an uphill battle and we often find ourselves slipping trying to climb that hill. At best, it often just feels like we're just treading water.

Some members here have moved forward and found love again or have decided to look for love again. And if that brings them happiness, that's absolutely wonderful. For me, Tammy truly was my perfect angel and my one and only. That's what my heart and my inner voice tells me. So for me, this grief journey will be taken alone. It hasn't been easy in any way and I know it never will. But I'll keep on pushing and trying. I'll keep looking for that elusive formula that ultimately gives me some sense that this life (after losing Tammy) will once again have meaning. And I'll do it with Tammy and her love always a part of me, always inspiring me. Telling me to never give up and to always do the very best I can.

Mitch

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Mitch,

Al was the only one for me.  He had so many medical issues, but together we faced them and stayed optimistic.  That optimistic spirit has escaped me.  I hope some of it will return.  Hard to keep going like this.

gin

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Optimism. I think that's one of my better traits. I always try to look at things from the glass half full point of view. Throughout Tammy's illnesses, many of which were life threatening, I couldn't bear to think in a worse case scenario way. I had to try to be upbeat.

In this grieving life, it's easy to become pessimistic. Our life has been torn apart. We're without the one person who brought joy and love to our world. If someone was already a glass half empty person, I think losing their soul mate could send them into a downward spiral of depression and despair.

Being without my Tammy is so hard. The missing her never stops and never will. But, I keep plodding along... trying, hoping, pushing. There is some happiness out there... somewhere. It's just that there's no Google Maps to guide us and no definitive grief tutorial to show us the way. It's all trial and error. And it's all so very hard.

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Optimism?  Hope?   My inner dictionary lost those words.  I had them when Steve first left but they have been slowly erased as the time passes.  I’m in that spiral and it’s scary.  I became educated to pessimism.  A course I never enrolled for.  I’m acing the class.  If I could do some of the things I used to like walk without pain, it would make all the difference.  When mentally and physically in pain, there is never any time to feel anything close to what I was.

I hate this is all I can think and write about.  I miss being strong and posting so many downer replies or thoughts.  I know that is why this place exists, but damn, I even get tired or reading my stuff.  Yet, I feel so much for everyone here suffering.  

Attempt at humor....what do you call cheese that’s not yours?

nacho cheese.

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Gwen I'm not sure why but your nacho cheese joke reminded me of an old Flip Wilson joke about how Worcestershire sauce got it name...

Back in the day it had no name unlike ketchup and mustard. People just called it "brown sauce". One day a newcomer to town saw a bottle of the brown sauce on the restaurant table and being the curious guy he was, asked the waiter... "what's dis here sauce??"...

The rest is history. 😋

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Good one, MItch! My dad called it "Wooster Sauce". Easier to pronounce, I guess. To me, Wooster was the old grizzled guy on Wagon Train. A bit before your time, I bet.

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Tough day today. It would have been Tammy's 49th birthday. She was so incredibly young. And no one should have had to go through the medical ordeals that she had to endure. This life without Tammy by my side is so hard to bear. It's so lonely and filled with so much angst. There's no joy to be found. But I'm here and I'm trying the best I can.

I love my Tammy, my sweet dear wife, forever and always.

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Mitch,

Thinking of you today, I know it continues no matter how many years go by, George's birthday is in three days, he would have been 64, gosh almost Medicare age!  I thought he was young when he died, barely 51, so full of zest for life, how can that be?  Tammy suffered way too much for such a beautiful soul, just so wrong!

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