Blaming myself for poor decisions...

[LCLCDM]

My 17 year old dog had dementia that had been progressing slowly over a year. Over a years time she stopped going for walks, she stopped playing with toys and stopped barking. In the last few months she was sleeping a lot, pacing a bit during the day, no longer got up to greet me and didn’t seem to recognize her name. She could sleep, eat, drink and go in the backyard. She wagged her tail when I scratched her put butt. He tail was down most of the time. One day I found her under my nightstand…the next day in the closet. Her dementia seemed to be getting worse. Because of this I ended up giving her a supplement called Cholodin….reviews seemed to indicate it helped a lot of dogs but not mine. I gave it to her for 3 days ( so 1 1/2 pills total). She stopped eating and drinking. After 2 1/2 days I called the vets office.  The only vet available was someone I found to be really cold. She also didn’t handle my dog nicely one time. So, I ended up going to an emergency vet. The ER vet gave my dog subcutaneous fluid and an appetite stimulate. The next day I was going to see my family and asked the vet if it was safe to take my dog on the plane… he said yes. In retrospect this was a BIG mistake.  She should have been given IV that night.  When I got to my destination I put food and water out for my dog..but she still didn’t appear to be drinking or eating. That night her nose was stuffed up so I went to the animal hospital and waited for hours. The vet said it was just a dry nose….but the IV fluid might help her anxiety from the supplement.  I said ok….it took them a long time to give me an estimate. I told the vet tech I was worried about my dog being in a small space because she was stressed and anxious and asked if my dog could be put in a larger kennel. The girl went around in circles not giving me a straight answer or committing. I asked to speak to the vet again….time went by…no vet. I finally left. I blame myself for leaving that night because I think my dog may have been ok if she got IV at that time.   The next day I took her to another place. Again…subcutaneous fluid and appetite stimulate.  I did the same the following day and finally put my dog in the hospital. By then it looked like something neurological was developing. She was on day 6 of not eating or drinking…with 3 or 4 treatments of sub Q fluids. I also tried giving her liquid and food with a syringe but she wasn’t getting much. She was in the hospital 5 days, her dehydration was treated....she was eating a little chicken but not drinking.  She stopped walking at the hospital but resumed walking at home.  She could walk on carpet but not tile floors.  She was still being fed with a syringe and treated with sub q fluids at home.  Looking back I don’t think she was getting enough fluid or food.  She fought the syringe.  They suspected she had an ulcer so she was taking medication for that. One day after returning from the hospital she started pacing. I thought it was her dementia or she was anxious due to her stuffed nose. She paced through the night and next day, but was also hiding and bumping into things. I had a vet appointment at 4 (she had been pacing for a day and 1/2). Right before I left she collapsed into what seemed like a coma. The vet was a few blocks away. He said if I wanted to save her I needed to go back to the hospital immediately. He also said he didn’t think her prognosis was good, and that this would now be a viscous circle. I asked him what he would do if it was his dog ? He said he would let her go. He didn’t think her quality of life would be good. My appointment to go there was to get her some anxiety medication as well as discuss the other drugs the hospital gave her so I could get his opinion. I never imagined she would collapse. Putting her down that day was a snap decision which is so unlike me. The vet asked if I was keeping her alive for me or for her….I said I didn’t want to keep her alive for me. I thought about her progressing dementia and agreed to put her down. Now I’m backtracking regretting not taking her to my vet initially ( she could have survived). I regret not leaving her at the hospital the first time, I regret not taking her to the hospital when she was pacing. I regret giving her the supplement that caused the downward spiral. I regret not trying harder to save her before putting her down. I think she wasn’t eating due to gastrointestinal issues and may have needed a feeding tube.  None of it makes sense to me and I am stuck in a place of guilt and pain.

[Karen Rosendahl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did everything you could. I know it's hard to not feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Try to focus on all the happy memories you have with her for 17 years. That is a grand life!

[LCLCDM]

Thank you for your support.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds to me as if you did everything you could and I honestly believe you did the right thing...sometimes the kindest thing is letting them go in peace.  I always try to consider their quality of life, what pain do they have, are they suffering, etc.  My feelings take a back burner to that.  I can't keep my pets alive at their expense.  While there is hope we try everything, but once we realize what they're in for...it's time to let go.

God it's hard, I know how hard, the hardest thing in the world.  Going through grief...extremely painful, and our common reaction is wanting them back at any cost.  We second guess everything, wonder if we'd only done this or that, what if they could have been saved for a little longer.  All of that is our grief talking, looking for another possible outcome.  You are not guilty of anything...except loving your dog completely, and having a broken heart to match.  I hope you can extend the same courtesy and understanding to yourself that you would to a friend going through this.  What would you tell your friend?  I hope you'll tell yourself that.  (((hugs)))

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[LCLCDM]

Thank you.  I’m so worried I will never be able to to get past this.

[MartyT]

My dear, I too am sorry for your loss, but I agree with Kay. It's so hard to accept that, despite all your best efforts and good intentions, you couldn't save your dog. 

19 hours ago, LCLCDM said:

I regret not trying harder to save her before putting her down. I think she wasn’t eating due to gastrointestinal issues and may have needed a feeding tube.  None of it makes sense to me and I am stuck in a place of guilt and pain.

Unfortunately most of us have precious little experience with dying and death, since most people die in hospitals and we're not exposed to seeing someone die ~ and we Americans tend to look at death as some sort of failure on our part, or as punishment for what we've done or failed to do. We don't look at death as a natural part of living.

I don't know if it will help you to come to terms with this, but from what you've described, it sounds as if your dog was already nearing the end of her life, as her body was gradually shutting down, and her disinterest in eating and drinking was a natural part of the dying process.

The same thing happens when a human being is close to death. In Forcing Fluids At End of Life, Hospice nurse Barbara Karnes writes,

In the natural dying process the appetite diminishes as does the want for fluids. The patient in the days to hours before death is generally not responsive and not interacting with the environment they are in (unlike in the movies) and it seems very odd to me that a person at that time is going to say they want a drink of water or even express thirst. I am more inclined to think the watchers of the person dying may express concern from their lack of knowledge about the dying process. We equate food and water with living and as we watch our special person approach death our thoughts turn to nourishment and hydration as a possible way to “fix” them.

The article mentions that “maybe an IV drip" needs to be administered for hydration. Again this is faulty information given by someone who clearly does not understand the natural dying process. Hydrating the person literally creates more discomfort. An IV means needles and restrictive tubing, but it is more than that. The body is shutting down, the kidneys are not working properly so fluid builds up in the lungs and tissues causing congestion and edema. This causes pain and more difficulty breathing. There is less oxygen exchange than if the congestion were not present.

What most people don't know is that in the normal dying process eating and drinking gradually decreases. Over a period of months before death actually occurs the body gradually stops eating. In the week to days before death their fluid intake has decreased drastically and they are eating little to nothing.

Dehydration is part of the natural way a person dies. It is a comfortable way to die. A person just goes to sleep. How does this happen? Dehydration increases calcium in the blood stream and when the calcium reaches a high enough level a person dies.  If the body can't be fixed and is itself dying why interfere with this natural process by forcing fluids? . . . The medical model tends to operate from the perspective of "because we can, we should". End of life care is not like caring for someone who is going to get better. Most people don't know this, even medical professionals.

[LCLCDM]

Thank you so much for your response and for posting this. I have been so worried about her suffering when she was pacing that night and the following day.

[LCLCDM]

She stopped eating right after I gave her that drug so I feel like it was cause and effect.  I keep thinking she would have recovered if I got her the right help sooner or got the feeding tube. I am going to therapy this week because I know I can’t live with these regrets forever.

Even though she stopped eating and drinking abruptly (after the medication) I do wonder if I just exacerbated something that was already there.

I am sure her dementia would have continued to get worse, even with treatment.  I don’t know if I would have ever had the courage to put her down for her dementia.  

She had a incident of Old Dog Vestibular Disease in December.  She recovered in a week. She had an MRI at the time and the neurologist said my dog had one of the worst cases of brain atrophy she had ever seen.  I don’t really know what that meant for her future or how she would have been if she lived for another year or two.

[MartyT]

My dear, as a grief counselor who also specializes in pet loss, I have walked with and supported bereaved animal lovers for many years ~ and I've yet to meet one who didn't feel guilty about choosing euthanasia for their companion. It is, after all, deciding whether to take the life of a beloved family member ~ and that is a momentous, god-like decision we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy. I often say that only the good people feel guilty, because the guilt you're feeling in the wake of your dear dog's death is a measure of the love you have for her. If she meant nothing to you, you wouldn't feel the pain you're feeling now, and you wouldn't be second-guessing your decision.

I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it will speak to you in a helpful way. If you do so, be sure to check out some of the links listed at the base as well:

Guilt In The Wake of A Euthanasia Decision

[LCLCDM]

MaryT....you are so kind.  I can’t thank you enough for responding, providing such valuable information and trying to help me through this....it means so much to me. 

Sugar was my first and only dog.  She helped me through some of the toughest times in my life.  I feel, in the end, I let her down.  I now think in those last hours she was crying out for me to help her.  In my mind that means she was asking me to take her to the hospital so she could live....and I failed.

I have never put a dog down.  I always thought she would die in her sleep.  I never thought I would have to make such a quick decision about the life of the being that was most important to me.

 

 

[LCLCDM]

I also struggle because I see people going to great lengths to save dogs with terminal illnesses like cancer.  My dog didn’t have a terminal illness.  She was dehydrated and wasn’t eating or drinking....which is why I am beating myself up about not taking her back to the hospital and getting a feeding tube.  Maybe she wouldn’t have survived...but at least I would have tried.

[LCLCDM]

Sorry for so many posts...I also don’t feel great about taking care of me right now because I didn’t take care of her.  

I think another complicated thing...these were vets I didn’t know because I was out of town.  The vet that put my dog down used to be my sisters vet.  He seems very caring and ethical... but didn’t have history of my dogs health...and I didn’t have history with him.  I probably really wasn’t ready to make that final decision...I think I needed more time

[MartyT]

 

22 minutes ago, LCLCDM said:

My dog didn’t have a terminal illness.

My dear, life itself is terminal, so in that sense every creature on earth has a terminal illness. Clearly you took amazing care of your dog, and I've no doubt that she knew how very much she was loved. When we make that awesome euthanasia decision, we are deciding to exchange our animal's suffering for our own. You put her needs (an end to her suffering) before your own needs (to keep her here with you, and at any cost) which is truly a selfless act of love. Her suffering is over; yours has just begun. My hope and prayer for you is that when it feels as if you've suffered enough, when it feels as it you've punished yourself enough, you will find a way to forgive yourself, and you will come to see your decision as what it was: your final act of love for your dog. 

There is a link to a video I discovered when I had to make the same decision you just made, to let my beloved ~ but aged and failing ~ Tibetan terrier go. The video brought me great comfort at the time, and I hope it will do the same for you. See Saying Goodbye to Beringer.  ♥

 

[LCLCDM]

MartyT you are a wise person and a beautiful soul.  

I was thinking about the eating and drinking thing.  The vet said she was trying hard to eat and get water...she just couldn’t.  She did finally eat some chicken and drank water once when she got home then stopped.  That’s another thing that haunts me.  She wanted to drink and eat.  I think she wanted to live.  She wasn’t giving up.  Something else was going on....maybe something neurological.   She never liked anyone to touch her face...ever since she was a baby.  Feeding her with a syringe was not a good option.  The feeding tube would have offered more time to figure out what was going on.  I think she collapsed because, after being dehydrated, then getting rehydrated, she still wasn’t getting enough water.  When she started pacing and bumping into things I don’t know why I didn’t seek help.  It would have only taken one call to the hospital.   I see what you say about punishing myself but what can I do when I see so many things I did wrong ?  I don’t know how to forgive myself...it was her life.

I have read there is an opportunity to grow and learn from this but I didn’t want to learn a hard lesson from hurting my Sugar.  She didn’t deserve that.

[kayc]

I went through this with my mother.  She had dementia and she quit eating and drinking at the end.  I was told it was part of the natural dying process.  I did check it out and found it was so.  Her death was peaceful and she was ready for it to come.  It's always hard for US to let go as we miss them.

[LCLCDM]

Kayc...I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My mother has dementia too...it’s very hard.  

In my dogs case I strongly believe she stopped drinking and eating due to the supplement I gave her.  The issue happened right after I gave her the supplement.   Possibly something else was going on and the supplement exacerbated the issue....and she didn’t get the right care soon enough. 

I would strongly advise to NEVER give a pet any supplement without approval from your vet.  I didn’t know I was causing my dog harm...clearly I was.

[kayc]

Have you talked to the vet about it?  It could be coincidental and nothing to do with the supplement.

[LCLCDM]

Yes...they all think it is a coincidence... but I think it’s weird she stopped eating and drinking right after.  Then I scoured the internet/reviews and a few others said their dogs stopped eating and drinking too... and a few had seizures.  Every vet that looks at the ingredients says the supplement didn’t include anything that should have been harmful.

i am starting to forgive myself for giving her the supplement because I thought I was helping her and I did look up every ingredient before I gave it  to her.   What is haunting me now is I think if she would have gotten IVs sooner she would have recovered.  Also I fear she collapsed because she was dehydrated again....so now I fear I put down a dog....my dear beloved dog.... that was only dehydrated.   There was no way she could get the volume of water she needed from sub q fluids and a syringe.  I do think she really needed a feeding tube.  

[LCLCDM]

I wonder if the lack of drinking/eating was simply because she didn’t feel good after taking the supplement.  She always had a bit of a sensitive stomach 

[MartyT]

 

1 hour ago, LCLCDM said:

There was no way she could get the volume of water she needed from sub q fluids and a syringe.  I do think she really needed a feeding tube.  

IV's? A feeding tube? Is this how you believe your Sugar would have wanted to live? Sometimes we think we're prolonging someone's life, when in reality we are prolonging their death. I hope you will read again the post I shared with you earlier. When the body is growing old and gradually shutting down (note your description of Sugar's state of health in your very first post in this thread) it is natural that the ability to process food and fluids decreases, and the individual stops eating and drinking. When we interfere with this by giving food and fluids artificially (i.e., via IV's and feeding tubes) we aren't helping, and may even be making things worse . . .

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10997-blaming-myself-for-poor-decisions/?do=findComment&comment=139937

[LCLCDM]

I will read it again... thank you.

I guess I thought a few more days of IV to hydrate her again and a feeding tube until she started eating again was a solution... I have read this is not an unusual way to treat a dog that isn’t eating or drinking.  I have also read there are many reasons a dog stops eating and drinking including gastrointestinal issues, just generally feeling ill, upset stomach, kidney issues, as well as being part of the process of dying etc...

I definitely would not have wanted Sugar to be on IV forever...I don’t think that would have even been possible since it likely had to be done at the hospital.

[kayc]

Most vets wouldn't euthanize a dog if they felt their situation was temporary, they would have discussed it with you more fully.

[LCLCDM]

That makes me feel better.  It’s hard because it wasn’t her normal vet or the vet that treated her for the dehydration.  She was treated at the hospital.  He just saw her after she collapsed.  

I so appreciate all of the feedback and support from everyone here.  I am touched by everyone that’s taken the time to help.  Thank you. 

[Agathas mum]

I have just found this posts  because I was searching online because my little Agatha passed away so suddenly last Sunday and I am wracked with guilt. She had cancer and 20 sessions of radiation treatments which she sailed through and she got the all clear. On the day she got the all clear she was being so rumbunctious making a next on the sofa that she propelled herself backwards off the sofa and landed on her back. I rushed her too the vet and he said she had a small fracture on her spine but it would heal. She was a little 5lb chi mix. She seemed absolutely fine but  about 10 days later she developed kennel cough. But I was concerned about her back and I wondered if the fracture had gotten worse she was on antibiotics for the kennel cough but it seemed to linger finally I got painkillers for  her back but the vet seemed very perfunctory and only gave me painkillers because I asked . I would’ve thought that it would’ve been the thing to do when she had a tiny fracture. Her appetite seem to diminish somewhat and she was very quiet and I would make her meals to try and encourage her to eat which we really stinky dog food and cat food and peanut butter all mixed together but she wasn’t eating voraciously as she used to so I took her to the vet again because our eye looked strange and they said she had dry eye but she was in really really good shape they were slightly worried about her weight gave me an appetite stimulant which also I had to ask for and for me to come back in seven days to check on her weight. Even though she was tiny to stimulate her appetite I bought her rotisserie chickens which I just put on the floor and she attacked voraciously so I knew she had an appetite unfortunately she didn’t have much of a tongue left and only two teeth so I don’t know how much nutrition she got from them but she really enjoyed them she was loving them. I will never ever ever forgive myself because in retrospect she had a lot of pain in her back legs because she was finding it difficult in the last few days to stand up on the day that she passed away I had at home vet coming to see her because he was also an acupuncturist and it worked on a Nother dog of mine worked miracles on arthritis an appetite stimulant so I kept telling her it’s OK you’re going to be OK in a minute because Johnathon Vet is coming and you’re going to feel really good so I feel terrible that in the last few days she was in pain and I didn’t do anything about it I’ll never forgive myself ever

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss but glad you found this site.  How hard that she went through all of that just to lose her life in the end.  I hope you will read these articles...I am so sorry.  I lost my beautiful sweet wild-eyed Arlie 8 1/2 months ago, outside of losing my husband 15 years ago, this is the hardest loss I've ever been through and I've been through many.

I'm sure you were a good mom to her and just didn't know, we are flying by the seat of our pants with no navigation when we go through this.  My Arlie had inoperable cancer, the vet didn't offer any palliative care so I did my best, had him on hemp oil SAM-e, and liver supplements as his liver was shutting down at the point of diagnosis.  I don't understand why the vet didn't cat it sooner, hadn't been very long since his last physical!  I understand your feeling you can't forgive yourself, we go through all the shoulda/wouldas in early grief as a way of looking for a different possible outcome, but this is the only one we got and hindsight is always easier to see clearer, that goes for all of us.  She knew you loved her and had a good life, we feel we're their protectors but there's some things we're unable to prevent or protect them from and that leaves us feeling helpless and inadequate.  Focus on memorializing her and tell her you love her, who knows, maybe in the spirit world they can hear us.  I still talk to my Arlie all the time.  His coat is hanging on my chair, I hold it often.  His collar and leash are hanging by the door, they will always be his, he's free of incumbrances now and waiting for me in heaven.  I can't wait to be with him again!  I can't wait to hold him once more.  He was my companion and best friend, I got him not quite four years after my husband died, a few months after I lost our dog, Lucky.  I called Arlie my soulmate in a dog, he was perfect for me.  My son brought me a puppy for Christmas, born on my birthday, conceived when Arlie died, he is different from Arlie in ways but like him in other ways.  I miss my Arlie's Husky talk, he was so smart, so goofy and fun, so sweet and loving!  

I wish you peace and comfort, I know the pain.  The intensity will lessen eventually but always we continue to love and miss them.  Death does not stop that.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/memorializing-pets-we-have-lost.html

http://www.griefhealing.com/memorializing.htm