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Am I ready to learn to love again


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This is not an easy discussion for me to bring up the first year Kevin passed away I couldn't imagine it but it has been apart of my life lately, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life I want to feel love again,  do I realize it will not be the same as what I had with Kevin yes me and him had a special bond that still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it some happy some sad , he was the father of my children ,but I know I want to love again it is hard because in the back of my head is always the thought of no one will love me or get me like he did I need advice from people who have found love again or who are going through the same situation

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I know two people that found each other here and it is a wonderful thing as they both know the loss of a partner.  I don’t have anything to say that is really contributory to your topic as I don’t feel I will ever love again.  But I definitely do understand your feelings of being alone and not wanting to feel that anymore.  That yearning for a connection to another human being we truly matter to.  That’s what makes this kind of loss so torturous.  

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I have and yes, it's really hard. I remember my best friend asking a few months after Richard died if I thought I would ever date again. I remember I told her that I didn't think so. I told her that Richard was so good to me that I didn't think anyone could treat me the same way. Little did I know that 1 year later I did meet someone. We met at a grief support group. He lost his girlfriend of 20 years. We have a lot in common. We started out just being friends. We would go bowling once a week. As time went on we both had feelings for each other. So we started dating. We both struggled with this. My youngest daughter who was 17 at the time really hated that I was dating. There were many times in the past year and a half that I said I couldn't do this. There were 2 times that I broke up with him for a month each time. I finally realized that it was ok to love again. I love that we both can talk about our loved ones and it is ok. My daughter is just now finally being ok with it, for the most part. 

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I hope that for you, I really do.  Here there is no one I'd be interested in and I'm not interested in dating, so I've reconciled myself to being alone the rest of my life, but it's not easy, especially knowing I'll always be alone and no one to care about me, no one to cook special dinners for or accompany me places.

I honestly hope you find it being as you have that yearning, I really do.  If you find it, please let us know, we love to hear good news and know that one of us made it!

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Good question! I think Susan was my one and only and I think I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, so call me conflicted.

I've become close to a woman on the swim team who lost her husband about 6 ms ago. We do a lot together. I've never had a close non-romantic relationship like this, so it can be confusing. Could it become romantic? No idea. 

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I think what makes it hard for me to is I don't belong to a support group this is my support network so I don't meet guys who are familiar with loss  they try but they will never truly understand what it is like for me, so I have to try and navigate this on my own

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I hear you Rldownes,

I can't offer any advice, as I am in a similar state as you described. My Mary Kay has been gone for 28 months.  Just recently (last couple of months) Loneliness has entered my life and at times seems able to absolutely crush my spirit.  I think that is going to push me toward interacting with other human beings in general, and with single women in specifically.  How I'm going to do that?  I haven't a clue.  Now I'm as you described, "I don't want to be alone the rest of my life I want to feel love again,  do I realize it will not be the same as what I had ...."

Reminds me of the old Chinese curse: May you lead an interesting life.  

Ugh.

BillT

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Given enough time you realize what you feel and who you have become. In the earlier years of my grief I knew that I missed the tactile touch yet it came along with the love that Kathy and I shared so tactile without emotion,  "ugh what a thought."    I had a platonic friend that I had met who would join me for drinks and dinner occasionally but when she started to attach herself to me and it grew to touching it actually repulsed me. I saw how that hurt her feelings and yet I had to be honest. I just could not go there even though I may have missed that intimacy I had with Kathy so off I went to be more alone than ever but at least I knew I was not violating who I was. I realized that having a platonic friend of the opposite sex was for me never going to be a good idea. Yet you never know what might occur that is out of our control. I laugh about it now when I remember that the day I met Patty for the first time was the day that the book I was part of "Grief Through The Eyes Of Men" came out and in that book I stated that I was a done deal long ago and would never marry again. Kathy always said to me that if it was meant to happen, then it will happen. She spoke those words when we first became involved all those years ago. But it is true today none the less.

Marty has a good recommendation in "Souring Spirits" and even though I have never been to a camp widow it has brought grieving souls together even as just friends.  It hit me at first as a dating thing but it is not that way. People may get together romantically but only if it was supposed to happen. At least there you are talking with those who have had such a loss and sharing your feelings with people like that is never a bad idea. In my case I never wanted to meet someone in a romantic way. I knew no one could replace Kathy. It's hard to find new love when you have already tasted perfection. Why look further? 

Then why not? 

When I first started to have feelings for Patty I became extremely upset. I was angry and hurt. I could not understand why Kathy was pushing me away. I had already become content in living alone. I had my grandchildren and sons. I had friends and began traveling by myself certain I could live that way without losing the love I had. Two weeks of crying in anguish and conflict ended when I understood and accepted the fact that it was Kathy directing me. The connection between myself, Kathy, Patty and Ron was incredible. It became apparent that something much bigger than myself was at play. I went from never loving anyone again to telling Patty we would be married one day without ever even having kissed. She simply replied "I know".  Everything just made perfect sense and I will never be able to explain this in a few simple paragraphs but Patty and I will be writing a book about our journey most likely self published when time allows. All I can say is "Never say never." for you,  just as I was,  may be proven wrong.

I should also ad that even though this happened to me, had it not been my destiny I would have lived on quite by myself and tried to make a difference in the world I live in. When I stopped wishing I could die I started looking for why I should live. I am certain of one more thing. You can have more than one soul mate. Sometimes there can be four of you in the mix.

You never know what might transpire to get you home.

 

 

7 hours ago, BillT said:

 

Reminds me of the old Chinese curse: May you lead an interesting life.  

Ugh.

BillT

 Bill perhaps it is not a curse after all but a hope.   Life is an adventure even if accompanied by grief.

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7 hours ago, Rldownes said:

I think what makes it hard for me to is I don't belong to a support group this is my support network so I don't meet guys who are familiar with loss  they try but they will never truly understand what it is like for me, so I have to try and navigate this on my own

If I were to have another partner I think she would have to have also lost a soulmate. Not the usual thing to put as #1. on a dating wish list, LOL

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Well for one thing I definitely am not alone.  For another neither kid or grandkid would allow it.  And most of all, how in the world would someone at my age be able to connect with the kind of wonderful that it took me 54 years to beat into Billy.  And most importantly, I would really like to see him again, and I will one day, but somehow I know that boy and there is no way in this world would he stand on the "other side" and let me even look at another man.  (Nor would I want to) I admire all you youngsters that found love again and I wish you well and that old song comes back to me.  Mary Collier was a senior.  I was 15.  We had talent's assembly and she sang "Hello Young Lovers" from The King and I.  I remember crying so hard.  She wore an old coat and an old slouch hat to look old while two young "lovers" strolled by.  Remember, I was 15.  I had no idea there was a Billy for me anywhere, but I cried as if I had just lost him.  I still do.

Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do,

Don't cry because I'm alone;

All of my memories are happy tonight,

I've had a love of my own.

I've had a love of my own, like yours-

I've had a love of my own.

I didn't know him when I was 15, but at 75, I knew him very well and I am just too old and no man could compare.  I'm not lonesome for company.  

The little woman I met at  Walmart waiting in the pharmacy line, she was in a wheelchair.  Her new husband was picking up her medicine.  She had remarried and promptly had a heart attack.  They were close to my age.  She told me he was a classmate and as he returned, she had just said, and he did hear it, "it is not the same" and of course it won't be.  My friend who married the same time as Billy and I did, to Billy's friend and had two children with him.  She remarried two years after he passed away.  I think (like Kay), being married so long to someone she didn't really love, and finding the love of her life, now with him 12-15 years, and they have him on hospice.  This was the love of her life and my heart is so very much with her.  I admire her, but it could never be done again by me.  I will be there for her though, just like Hettie was there for me.  (Had lost her husband about five years before).  Sometimes, once is enough.  Sometimes it isn't, and if they find happiness again...........and Katpilot (Dave I think) lightening does strike twice in the same place.  I want to read that book.

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16 hours ago, Marg M said:

Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do,

Don't cry because I'm alone;

All of my memories are happy tonight,

I've had a love of my own.

I've had a love of my own, like yours-

I've had a love of my own.

 

 

"Had" may be the saddest word.

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It’s very hard to imagine the future except from the eyes we are looking thru now.  I, also, feel Steve was the only one for me.  Two thirds of my life involved him is some way.  All my efforts are trying to accept I am on my own now.  The thought of another person is the farthest thing from my mind/heart.        

Kat, I really appreciate your honesty in your post.  Gave it a lot of thought.   You are 3 years ahead of me so have more experience, if we dare call it that, in the grief world.  I know not to say never, but on some things you just know.  I understand the longing for touch but being repulsed by it from anyone but Steve.  Hugs are as far as I go.  I was just thinking it has been over 3 years I kissed or touched someones skin.  We are social beings and that really affects your mind.  The camp idea is out as I cannot travel nor want to.  My challenge is no family, friends or activity like your flying.  My activities have been dwindling from physical changes and pain adding more restriction to things that at least connected me more with the world for a short time.  

Im happy for you and Patty.  Steve and I discussed what we both felt we would feel if each of us lost the other.  We talked about what we imagined for ourselves and that never was in the picture.  Neither of us saw that.  It was waiting it out for our furry kids and no reason to fight after that.  I do believe that for some us there will be only one person ever.  We see it all around us, those that remarry and those that never do, despite opportunities.  

Per the topic of this thread, I don’t need to learn to love again.  I still am in love.  It’s companionship that is lacking for support.  It’s a big void too.  I’ve learned never say never.  But about some things in yourself, you know.

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34 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I do believe that for some us there will be only one person ever.

I believe that for myself.  Other people have had more than one partner before and after, but somewhere there is always that one, even if it was not the last one.  My friend's mom outlived three husbands and cared for all of them.  My sister-in-law's husband died when she was pregnant with their 4th, a young fellow in his 40's,  bad heart.  Then she had three she was going to marry die with heart attacks.  They teased her and said she was just too much for a man.  She was a joking waitress that joked with everyone, but she wound up on the psych ward afraid it might be true.  Her daughter had heard her tell her last husband she loved him more than any of the others.  She lost him too.  Then her daughter died of the family heart ailment and my sister-in-law just went to sleep five months later and didn't wake up.  Who knows?  I don't want to even get a pet.  Very worried about my sister now.  I'm tired of dying.

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21 hours ago, Marg M said:

Sometimes, once is enough. 

I thought I have been heartbroken before, but I had no idea. As for today, once has been enough. I cannot think of putting myself into that path twice. For any reason. And yes, never say never. 

 

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23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Per the topic of this thread, I don’t need to learn to love again.  I still am in love.  It’s companionship that is lacking for support.  It’s a big void too.  I’ve learned never say never.  But about some things in yourself, you know.

You have a good grip on things Gwen. You do know who you are and that can happen at any stage of grief. We settle into a life , a pattern if you will that becomes a comfort zone and all we can think about or want to think about is them. I understand that and still feel the same....no, I am more in love with Kathy than I was when she left because I went through years of uncovering her life in all the drawers and storage boxes in our home.We had been married only 14 years and I did not know all of the experiences she had in life when she was young yet she had saved everything from her mom's baby book through school and every boyfriend she had or job or awards or degrees she had received. I grew to respect her more than I ever imagined. But still she was gone. Our lives of building memories was completed. I knew she was my soul mate. I adapted to this new life. I would go on in a happy, sad sort of way. Now I have it again and I still have it with Kathy. It is not easy to explain and sounds a bit hypocritical I know. But it still is what it is.

I will tell all of you this. Finding another soul mate is not impossible but it still does not take away the love or the pain. You still get to die "a thousand deaths". You never lose the love of your soul mate. I think maybe if you did you would not have been soul mates after all.

 

21 hours ago, scba said:

I thought I have been heartbroken before, but I had no idea. As for today, once has been enough. I cannot think of putting myself into that path twice. For any reason. And yes, never say never. 

Yes Ana putting yourself through that again is the hard part. What I am speaking of is the risk of loss. I carry a silent fear of the same thing happening to me. I had an uncle who I truly loved. He had lost two wives and it had to have been such a hard journey for him but I know he was not afraid to live. I try and keep him in mind. I remember that when Kathy was fighting to stay alive we would be at the Mayo getting her radiation treatments when we met this couple also getting treatment for the husband's brain tumor which was inoperable. They had both met each other in that same room years earlier with their spouses getting treatment for cancer. Now there she was about to go through it all again. Life is difficult,  more for some than others but the courage it takes to accept the risk is the biggest leap one can ever undertake. I knew it going into my relationship with Patty but I also was armed with the lessons I had learned long before reading "The Road Less Traveled" and in it was the chapter "Risk Of Loss". I understood that one cannot live and love without taking that risk. Had I not understood that I would never have been open to loving Kathy in the first place because divorce had all but soured me.

 

I would offer this advice to anyone thinking about entering into another relationship. Don't go there unless you can take your lost spouse with you. The last thing you need is to lock up those feelings and not being able to share them.  I read a thread on Widowed Village which is part of Souring Spirits from a man who was writing about his grief. He mentioned he had to get off the computer because his fiance was home. My head still spins over that one.  My own father who had lost my mom when I was at the age that I lost Kathy married again shortly after. He lived with my step mom for as many years as he had been with my own mother yet never spoke about her. He could not share his love for my mom with his new bride. In his will he wanted me to have his ashes as he stated "To do with as Steve wishes". He knew I would spread them over the same spot that I had spread my mom's twenty eight years earlier. He just could not say it in his will with my step mom. They may have loved each other and they were dear friends who did not want to live alone but soul mates? Not the case.

So we all just have to follow our own paths and hopefully remain true and honest with ourselves.

 

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18 hours ago, scba said:

 As for today, once has been enough. I cannot think of putting myself into that path twice. For any reason. And yes, never say never. 

 

I hear you,dear Ana...Everyone is different and if you feel this way,it´s all right...I feel the same way about my beloved Jan too...It´s been 6 years,6 months,2 weeks and 6 days and I haven´t kissed another man by now...I´ve got my friends only...I don´t know what will bring the future into my life,but this is how I feel too...I understand the other ones too,because being alone is very difficult...We all know...

  41415917_Heart-trblietavsmutnmedvedk.gif.932432202c919af26d419110d03a3cd5.gif

With love Janka

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On 5/28/2018 at 7:10 PM, Rldownes said:

This is not an easy discussion for me to bring up the first year Kevin passed away I couldn't imagine it but it has been apart of my life lately, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life I want to feel love again,  do I realize it will not be the same as what I had with Kevin yes me and him had a special bond that still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it some happy some sad , he was the father of my children ,but I know I want to love again it is hard because in the back of my head is always the thought of no one will love me or get me like he did I need advice from people who have found love again or who are going through the same situation

Rldownes, I understand..

It's been three years since my wife died.  I always wanted to love and be loved but it just didn't happen for me. At age 30, I prayed that If I was to be married that God would prepare me for her and if not I would accept being single and still have joy in my life.  Almost three years later , I met Rose Anne and we shared our lives together almost 26 years.  I planned for "Happily ever-after", but life rarely turns out the way we plan.

I struggle with loneliness, lack of companionship, and missing my beloved everyday.  I want to leave my heart open for Love but I am not desperate to just be in a relationship.  All of the old nonsense of who will love me at my  age, weight, finances, etc.. are all excuses for me not facing up to the reality of facing life on life's terms. 

I have to be willing to get out of my comfort zone and explore the things I like to do.  Not just searching for a mate but rather discovering what are my dreams, goals and desires.  Life is a learning process, if with the reality of Death and Grief.  I didn't know this level of pain and heartache before yet for me, to fully embrace life I need to face and accept that this is part of living. I know I am supposed to live until the day God calls me home.  I still have much to work on and sort through.  This is not a race but a magnificent journey.  How we view it will filter our perception of our life as we unfold.  For me, I need to "Get busy Living each day"

Feelings are not always Facts but when I examine them they do point me towards the TRUTH

                                            FIND YOUR TRUTH. - Shalom

 

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22 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

So we all just have to follow our own paths and hopefully remain true and honest with ourselves.

 

Thank you Stephen for your insight. We've missed your posts here. 

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23 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Finding another soul mate is not impossible but it still does not take away the love or the pain.

Very true!

23 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Don't go there unless you can take your lost spouse with you

Absolutely!  I know someone who remarried and he won't allow any pictures up of her late husband, won't let her mention him, nothing, not even to her kids!  I consider that abuse and controlling behavior.  He hasn't lost a spouse to death and has no clue, but I can't imagine entering into a union like that.

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Katpilot.........cannot remember your real name.  You don't hang around much anymore and am happy for you and Patty.  We had a Dave somewhere.  Maybe you are Steve.

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