xmcll Posted June 5, 2018 Report Share Posted June 5, 2018 (edited) Hi everyone 🙂 I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I've posted around in different topics so you may have seen me already. But a little backstory on my loss: My mom died of a sudden heart attack back in November of 2017. I was the one who tried to give her CPR while the paramedics were on the way. She was taken to the hospital. The doctor invited my sister and I into the room where the ER team was performing CPR on her. They tried for a good hour. Her heartbeat just wouldn't stay. It was my sister and I who had to tell the ER team not to resuscitate if her heartbeat faded again. (I rail that off like bullet points to a presentation now. It surprises me how swiftly I can tell someone about how the light of my life was distinguished.) My mother was my best friend. She was my rock, my strength, my inspiration. The reason I did anything. She gave up her life in the Philippines and came to America with almost nothing to give my sister and I better lives. My father was (and still is) abusive, emotionally manipulative, emotionally unavailable. Just... not a great person all around. I still live with him because there's nobody else out there to take care of him, but our relationship is strained. Or, tbh, almost non-existent. I'm trying to convince him to move back to the Philippines so both of us can live with more freedom. I entered a relationship with a guy about two weeks after my mom died even though, deep down, I knew my emotions were a mess and I wasn't ready for it. But I felt like I just really needed someone there to fill the void that was threatening to swallow up my life. He was a good distraction. He said all the right things, made promises that I realize now were all empty. He kept in contact during my entire trip to the Philippines for my mother's funeral and burial. He gave me the support I thought I needed. It was a short relationship but I fell deep and really felt like he was the one to stick around. (At a point he swore on my mom's grave that he'd always be there to take care of me now that she was gone. We also talked about how, maybe, she sent him down just for me because he came into my life at just the right time... It makes me scoff now thinking about it. Hah.) He ended up slowly distancing himself and stringing me along until I was the one that had to end it. He barely said a word. I posted about it on a thread in Loss of Love Relationship. It's been about seven months since my mom died and a couple months since my ex and I broke up. I still find myself completely heartbroken over it all, but moreso over my ex. It feels like it's been harder to get over that heartbreak than my mother's death. Which I don't think is true. I think I'm using my failed relationship as an emotional distraction for the grief I really need to face head on. But it all hurts just the same. My question in terms of behaviors in bereavement... (1) Has anyone who suddenly lost a close loved one felt like the depression really settled in more than six months after the actual loss? Directly after my mom's death, I was just numb. Now that's worn off and feelings of devastation seem to wash over me throughout the day. I can't control it. It feels like a mixture of panic, and grief, and heartbreak. (2) For anyone who has lost a parent while in their 20s: has anyone found that they suddenly have the urge to be in a relationship? I never cared about being in a relationship before. I enjoyed dating and being in relationships, but I never had the deep guttural need to have someone there before. I can chance a guess that it's related to the abandonment I feel now that my mother is gone, but I'm wondering if anyone else can directly relate. I never wanted to get married or have children before, but now they're both at the forefront of my mind. (3) Has anyone else in grief felt that they really wanted to have a connection with someone, but also felt that they are too broken to really develop anything real? It's a strange contradiction. I'm very careful about the guys I let into my life now. I tell people honestly that I'm still trying to heal from a lot of loss and I'm not ready for a relationship. But, deep down, I really feel like I need a connection with someone. But I also feel like I'm so confused about my emotions most days that nobody should have to deal with the mess that's swirling inside my head. I want to make connections but I also feel like I'm not worthy of anything real. I've read a lot of articles about how losing a parent in your 20s, on the cusp of adulthood, is different from grieving a parent while in your adolescence or later in life. It's been difficult and I find that it feels even more difficult now, about seven months since she's been gone. Anyway, I feel like I've rambled a bit but I hope I got it all out. I'd love to hear people's insight. Thanks for taking the time to read through all this! Edited June 5, 2018 by xmcll Grammar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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