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jmjudson

Devastated

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On May 30 I had to say goodbye to my best friend, my son, Pierre. I just found this Group because I cannot get over the loss of him and the pain is so debilitating. 

Let me give you a rundown of our 16+ years  I got him when he was just 6 weeks old. At age 4 he was diagnosed as having “inherited juvenile cataracts”. My vet referred me to the Veterinary Clinic at the University of Tennessee Knoxville for consultation. After running tests he was declared a great candidate for cataract surgery. I got him the surgery and his eye sight back and he now could do all of his activities again. I had a happy cry the first time he caught his favorite toy in midair.

After I got laid off in 2010, I attended Truck Driver training and when I got my first dispatch he was with me in the truck. We had 4 years of adventures and making new friends driving cross country...My son was such a sweet boy and he touched a lot of lives over the years. He loved everybody. 

One of the problems with cataracts in Bishons is for them to suffer retinal detachment so they did a laser procedure a month before the cataract surgery of  which he came through with flying colors. Unfortunately his retina in his left eye did detach about 5 years after the surgery. He took it in stride, though. He was also diagnosed with Cushings Disease about 7 years ago and would be on meds for the rest of his life.

Over the past few months I realized that he was blind again. It didn’t seem to affect his daily activities though. He had been losing weight but his overall health was good. He still did the silly things like snagging a dryer sheet when it hit the floor, running off with it to shred it. Picking out the small brown vitamin/mineral pellets in his dry food and sending them everywhere in the kitchen, etc.

He always whined when he was “making his bed” so i was used to that but it seemed to be a little more intense and lasting longer with every day. He still had a good appetite and was drinking and eating. He started having issues with incontinance. He had pretty much stopped greeting me at the door when I got home from work, playing silly games with me, etc. I knew the time was coming soon but I didn’t want to face it. I also did not want to prolong his life if he was suffering. 

On May 30 when I picked him off of the bed and put him down on the floor was when I realized that he couldn’t stand with his hind legs. Within a few minutes though he was able to walk a few steps before he had to sit down. And he was crying...I took him to the vet for a consultation immediately. My vet told me that we could control his pain from the arthritis to some degree but it would just postpone the inevitable and that it would never get better. I couldn’t bear to see him in pain so I had to choose the latter. They gave him a shot to help relax him and stop the pain and allowed me to hold him, love him and talk to him. He kept staring into my eyes and I believe that he was telling me that the decision I had to make was the right one. It was like he was seeing me and he actually gave me some kisses which he had used to give freely but had stopped doing. I told the tech that I was ready and she brought the vet back into the room. I held him and talked to him throughout the process and he slipped away quietly. 

I don’t remember the ride home (I was driving) but when i got there, I immediately realized how many reminders were everywhere. I started bagging up his dog beds and getting reminders out of the house. Now with it being 2-1/2 weeks later, I really wished that I hadn’t got rid of his stuff so quickly but it was too late. I live alone and he was my only pet.

My grief just keeps getting worse and worse. I have a huge hole in my heart and soul that seems to be increasing every day. Pierre had been my best friend, soul mate and son for over 16 years and my life revolved around him. I didn’t realize how much time I spent caring for him every day until I didn’t have to do it any more. He was my life and had been my only faithful companion daily since 2010 when I had to let go of my Chow Kayla, his best friend. 

Just looking at the photos that I attached to my message caused terrible pain. My world revolved around him and we helped each other over the years to get through trying issues. I haven’t been sleeping well and bedtime is the worst because we had our little pre-sleep routine. I wake up in the middle of the night reaching for him only to grab an empty pillow which starts the tears again! It is causing me problems at work because of lack of sleep and the inability to concentrate. I hate coming home after work, I miss him following me around the house, I miss the cuddles and kisses, the good times we had over so many years...

I am terribly sorry to have created such a lengthy post but once I started typing it, more and more thoughts and memories surfaced. I really think that pouring all of this out may have helped me a little.

Thanks for accepting me into this group and I promise that any future posts that I will keep them short...

Jodi

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My heart goes out to you.  I call my dog Little Boy (even when he was 140 lbs) so I understand your referring to your dog as your son, I feel that kinship.

I love hearing you tell your stories about him...you did the kindest thing a parent can do, letting go when the pain gets too much for them.  It is in thinking of his well being rather than your own that separates the mommies and daddies from the mere owners.

I understand your wishing you hadn't gotten rid of his things, but those are not him, those are things he used that he no longer has need for.  It is in our heaviest grief we want any part of them back.

 

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