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In a few more days I will be dealing with another one of those darn triggers. Who besides me has thought about that one word---triggers---and how it has become such a big part of our lives now? I don't like these triggers, but I have no choice but to accept them. And to accept the fact that they always cause me to take that emotional roller coaster ride.The trigger this time is the 2 1/2 year date on my life calendar.  This time the trigger date is June 29th. When that date gets here, it will mean that I had to make the conscious, intentional decision to put an end to my wife's misery and suffering and allow her to go be with God. By the morning of January 1, 2016 I could no longer ignore that ugly elephant in the room. My wife was not going to get better. Not that time. She had spent the last 6 months of her life completely miserable. Miserably cold every day. Cold because the temperature in the dialysis center was kept so cold. And also because her blood was colder when the dialysis machine returned it back into her frail body. And hungry all the time. Because she was never by then able to eat more than  1 or 2 bites of something---anything--- and then get nauseous and totally lose her appetite. When you adore your spouse as much as my wife and I love each other, it isn't fun to watch him/her slowly die and know there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. But even knowing all that, it was excruciatingly hard for me to say those necessary words out loud that I was required by Texas law to say in order for the ventilator to be turned off. I came very close to NOT being able to say it. I didn't want to give her up even though I knew it was the only right thing to do. She had suffered long enough. Her suffering ended 2 1/2 years ago. My suffering was just beginning then. Suffering with the loneliness and emptiness that is still part of my everyday existence now.  I really don't mean to be feeling sorry for myself. She and I had such a beautiful, wonderful and perfect life together. And it's only because of that that I miss her so much now. Like the way night follows day. Some things are just inevitable

So, a week from this Friday I will be enduring another trigger. That day will come and go. And then I will wait for the next trigger day. August 16th. Her birthday.

Wife of mine, I start and end every day now loving you and missing you fiercely. We will be together again one of these days my dear. And it will be for eternity. Until that day comes, I will continue putting...

one foot in front of the other.

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17 minutes ago, DarrelW said:

I start and end every day now loving you and missing you fiercely.

We're all thinking of you as you find ways to endure these difficult and challenging days, dear Darrel ~ but remember, too, that in reality, these days are no different from any other ones. They are only as different and as significant as we make them out to be . . . ❤️

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Oh Darrel,  I can't imagine how hard it must have been to watch her suffering.  And Mitch too, watching his precious Tammy suffer.  I only went through a couple of days of knowing my husband probably wasn't going to make it, I can't imagine the slow grueling slippery slide into death.  It's something no one should have to go through.  As wonderful as our lives were together, as perfect our love and happy our marriages, this is the hard price we're paying.

Today is 13 years since my husband left here to wait for me in heaven.  To say I miss him is an understatement.  It's weird looking back after 13 years, he still looks the same,while I've aged.  My hair is now white in the front, and I'm no longer the young bride he married.  I look back at our pictures when we met and I looked so young...would he still love me as an old woman?  You betcha he would!  Oh my goodness, my George, I miss you!

We wish only for their happiness.

memorial23.jpg

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Kay,. Nice pic.  Thoughts are with you today.  Hope you are also feeling better.

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The days and the years do not matter.  To me, Billy was better looking than the tall Steve McQueen boyish face of youth.  Some days it seems my mind goes in circles, little instances in my life are so much bigger than they actually are.  My granddaughter wonders why I cannot say "no" to people and I certainly cannot to her, but she really asks for nothing.  My daughter has helped so much, but my sister is a "backseat driver" and I had to tell  her to "shut up" yesterday, I had taken all I could.  You do for people because you have to and it is your responsibility, (you really feel this way) and they complain about something you are doing to  help  them.  Will go no further with this, when it comes down to it, actually this is not my responsibility if it is not appreciated.  Enough of that or I will be going back and deleting.  But, if Billy was here, he could not help this brain of mine.  He tried for so many years.  I am not trying to talk against a religion, but in jokes it is always the little Jewish grandmother that speaks the guilt and I know she lives right in the middle of my brain.  Yes it is imagination on my part, but she is still there.

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Darrel, It must have been so difficult to have to make that decision to let your wife's body go when you just wanted to hope for more time. 
Yes---holidays, birthdays, anniversaries can all be triggers.  And sometimes we don't need any triggers.  It can just be fatigue that makes it all come back again.   I'm sorry for your loss.
It seems like you look ahead of time at the dates you think are going to feel bad.  I wonder if you could help it NOT be so bad if you planned ahead and set a date to do something with friends on those upcoming trigger dates?  Maybe bowling with some guys or breakfast with a trusted friend or whatever activity you like to do with friends.
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All of us process this grief differently and on many different levels.  On this my fourth trip around the grief/healing calendar, I chose to approach it differently than my previous trips.

In the last three years, each special day and time was triggered, dramatic, and painful.  This time the reality and finality of my beloved wife's, (Rose Anne) death is my own, private, quiet, and introspective experience. May is usually a rough month with many special memories, birthdays, and celebrations.  This year,  there was no outward mention of them.  They are special memories lodged deep within my heart and soul that I share with my beloved.   We all deal with grief in our own terms and our own way. I have no specific plans next year.

I take each day as it comes.  I'm thankful I can still remember.  I miss her daily and yet there is a quiet peace in knowing that this is the way my life is supposed to be right now.  I still don't have to like it, but I'm learning to accept it.  Each of us needs to find our own individual path.  I'm thankful I found this safe place to share with all of you who truly understand, empathize, and comprehend. - Shalom  

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Darrel and Kay, so sad and beautiful. I had the opposite experience of an apparently healthy Susan with a minor illness dying in about 10 minutes. I've been told I was lucky, but I got shock and trauma and we couldn't even say goodbye.

6/27 is our 49 anniversary. I'm leaving for Ptown, our favorite summer vacation spot, in about an hour and will have our anniversary there. I know it's the opposite of what others here do. As with everything my feelings are very mixed. I love Ptown and I know I will be lonely and have grief attacks as well as enjoying the beach, ocean, food, and crazy scene. I did it last year at only 3 ms but had a lot more support lined up. A year has passed but yesterday I was crying thinking about finding her lifeless and trying to remember what went through my mind.

By pure coincidence Susan's family is having a reunion nearby at the same time!!! I told them it would be too painful for me to attend but now I'm planning to participate a little.  Actually I think they have not been very supportive and I am not sure if they still regard me as one of the family. I know a few of them do.

I'm bringing the heart she knitted for me for our last Valentine's day. Best to all Tom🐼

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7 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

This time the reality and finality of my beloved wife's, (Rose Anne) death is my own, private, quiet, and introspective experience.

That's pretty much how I've had to deal with June...I do it alone.  I think most of us do.  We do what seems right to us, however we get by.

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Just need to vent a bit by something I hear often.  I am sooooo sick of hearing that at least I have my dogs thru this.  Yes, I am extremely grateful for them and love them dearly.  Hearing that tho seems to make people think it diminishes the grief.  If anything, I have more to do and miss being a complete family.   I didn’t realize how much that bothered me until yesterday I had it said to me again.  Dogs run on schedules and routines.  They are no substitute for talking to your partner.  They have each other, thier relationship and language.  Sure, I can talk to them about my day if I chose, but they don’t understand.  Have no input.  No reply.  They can’t tell me what they did when I was gone.  This might sound like a small thing, but it sure gets to me. We need our own species and particularly one.

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Yes but I would go bananas if not for Arlie.  I can't even imagine not having another living being in my home to love and touch.  Someone else as incentive to keep going.  Someone that truly loves me.  No, it's not the same as having George, not at all, but it's something at least.  And the other thing I think of, it's someone else to lose too.  And that scares me, it's scared me from the day I got him.  I have to put it out of my mind and try not to think about it, to enjoy each day of his life fully, to give him all the belly rubs he wants and walk him twice a day every day no matter the weather, no matter how I feel.  I have to give him the best life I can because I know someday even this too will be gone.  And try as I might not to think about it, it's in the back of my mind, running like a computer process, just as George is.  Always there.  I miss George, I love him, that never stops, and his absence is forever with me, yet so is his presence in a way, nothing I can explain or give words to, it's not like I feel anything tangibly, just that I know he still is and that helps me get through this, I know I'll be with him again.  I know you don't believe that same way, Gwen, and I can't imagine how that must feel, it's got to be hard.

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We need our own species and particularly one.

How true Gwen. A dog is a wonderful friend and gives us unconditional love but it isn't the same. We had lost our dog Mindy before Kathy left and how I wished I had had her. I think it took me longer to realize I could still go on living but alone in that house made it seem far more empty. Yet I kept on living one day at a time, many, many days.

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If there is one thing I should be used to is life marching on.  I was before, but it wasn’t so negative when I wasn’t alone watching this happen.  I passed the long closed (that was a loss in itself) Chinese restaurant and bar that was our go to place for so many things.  Dinners on Xmas holidays, to discuss problems, with friend, super bowl and Chinese New Year buffets, darts, pool and a place we got to know so many including the owner.  Yesterday it was being leveled.  Gone for good.  My head overflowed with memories of the times there.  Our neighborhood Cheers.   Recently lost my fav grocery store and price club.  Makes me feel silly I want to cry.  Then I realize it is adding to the loss of a good and happy life.  More stuff to stir the pot.  More reminders.  It would still be sad if Steve were here, but at least we could talk about the good times and 'remember when......fill in the story' and laugh.  Be glad we had those times.  All I can do is write about it here.  Maybe mention in passing to people that weren’t a part of it.  But I won’t.  Just something to add to the pile.  I also read Chrysler is discontinuing Steve’s van line.  I feel like I have my own personal landfill of lost things.  None of which would matter much if he were here.  

And to add to the fun, yesterday our alarm system went bonkers, had to fend off police dispatch, the power supplies to hold up the DVR and WiFi went crazy for a bit so lost internet accesss for a bit and the DVR kept resetting itself.  Things he would handle.  I don’t dare speculate what else could happen, because it will, whatever it is.  There is no pride in this competency as I know I am able to problem solve.   Steve lived to be Mr. Fix It.  I’m tired of being 2 people yet alone.

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On 7/2/2018 at 9:53 AM, MartyT said:

Here's a timely article for you, Kay: 15 Research Backed Health Benefits of Having A Dog!

 

On 7/2/2018 at 5:19 AM, kayc said:

I would go bananas if not for Arlie.  I can't even imagine not having another living being in my home to love and touch.  Someone else as incentive to keep going.  Someone that truly loves me.

Telling me about the benefits of having a dog is like preaching to the choir!  My dog is the world to me!  I wish others could realize, they are more than just housebreaking or chewing up things or fur around the place.  They are living beings that reward us with their devotion, are loyal, look out for us, love us.  My dog is goofy and funny and brings a smile to my place.  He also is thoughtful and doesn't wake me up, waiting for my breathing pattern to change.  He shows concern if I'm sick or injured, he makes me get out and walk on a regular basis.  It makes all the difference having him here!

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17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

And to add to the fun, yesterday our alarm system went bonkers, had to fend off police dispatch, the power supplies to hold up the DVR and WiFi went crazy for a bit so lost internet accesss for a bit and the DVR kept resetting itself.  Things he would handle.  I don’t dare speculate what else could happen, because it will, whatever it is.  There is no pride in this competency as I know I am able to problem solve.   Steve lived to be Mr. Fix It.  I’m tired of being 2 people yet alone.

OMG, a very challenging day, for sure!  I was the one that had to handle technology, but George was the one that did the home repairs.  I discovered rot in the roof of my garage, a cost that I can't afford right now.  Maybe in a year or so, not good timing just as the whole tariff thing is going to raise prices of metal by a third!  George would be saving us the labor but now I'll have to pay that and the materials.

It seems it's always something.  I can relate to what you're saying about your favorite place being torn down, Gwen.  It seems everything I've known is gone!  I've lived here long enough to watch all these changes, especially in the last few years, restaurants, stores, etc.

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Oh, it gets better.  Today my doctor appointment was canceled because she is sick.  See someone else tomorrow, but they don’t know me and all the nuances involved in my many issues.  I had been so in need of seeing my doc because so much is out of control.  My insurance says it won’t pay a claim because I didn’t have a referral.  Have to have that called in.  Really hot in Seattle today.  Just makes me feel sicker.  Last night was a war zone with the firecrackers.  Dogs and me losing it.  As always, so much of all this would be easier or not even happening if Steve were here.  I don’t know how I’ll ever get used to that.

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I'm sorry you're not able to see your own doctor, I know how that feels, that's what caused all my physical problems last month, I got a substitute doctor, my own doctor would have been on top of things.

I wish they'd outlaw setting off firecrackers at residential areas, it causes so many animals and veterans distress!  Thankfully no one did that here this year but usually they do.

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Fireworks are illegal in Seattle.  But so many people doing them and the police can’t find them.  I really don’t get the thrill of. Things that just make loud noises.  As a kid we had fireworks.  Little fountains with pretty colors going up about 6 feet.  As always the next day’s news are about people getting hurt from these firecrackers which are actually small pieces akin to dynamite.  And fires started.   Pets running away and hiding.  It’s a mess.

i don’t know what to expect from this substitute doc.  Maybe they can at least write down my continued issues and when my doc gets back she can get back with me on them.  It’s so hard to do not being face to face tho.  Maybe they can at least help with my panic mess as this waking in withdrawal is putting me over the edge.  I try and think of the odds that my doc would get sick when I really really needed her.  So many things keep going wrong it’s hard not to take it personally, like the universe is out to get me!  There are a lot of physical problems, but so many are mental from being alone and daily grief.  That creates stress and then makes it hard to distinguish from each other on some things.  All I know is life, even with advancing age, is beater shared.  I was reading that Will Smith and his wife don’t even use the word married anymore because thier bond is so beyond that.  I know exactly what they are talking about.  

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On ‎06‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 10:49 AM, kayc said:

Oh Darrel,  I can't imagine how hard it must have been to watch her suffering.  And Mitch too, watching his precious Tammy suffer.  I only went through a couple of days of knowing my husband probably wasn't going to make it, I can't imagine the slow grueling slippery slide into death.  It's something no one should have to go through.  As wonderful as our lives were together, as perfect our love and happy our marriages, this is the hard price we're paying.

Today is 13 years since my husband left here to wait for me in heaven.  To say I miss him is an understatement.  It's weird looking back after 13 years, he still looks the same,while I've aged.  My hair is now white in the front, and I'm no longer the young bride he married.  I look back at our pictures when we met and I looked so young...would he still love me as an old woman?  You betcha he would!  Oh my goodness, my George, I miss you!

We wish only for their happiness.

memorial23.jpg

Oh kayc:  What a great picture...looks like a very neat guy.  Thanks for sharing.  I wonder the same things....would John find me attractive now.  Love to you, Cookie

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18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Fireworks are illegal in Seattle.  But so many people doing them and the police can’t find them.

I posted an article on FB about not doing fireworks at home, to keep in mind vets with PTSD and animals who are scared, and I got a very hateful response to it.  Wow!  Sometimes I think FB brings out the hatemongers!

Gwen, we can only hope that the substitute doctor will continue with what your regular doctor has for you so you don't have to suffer from missing your regular meds!

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Honestly?  I have always hated FB.  Tried it a couple days and went nope.  I know there are people that find it great to keep up with family that is scattered.  But mostly I see gibberish.  Or personal stuff that I wonder why others can see.  All this stuff in the news about it and privacy is quite ironic.

substitute doc was a great guy, but wants to make changes I want my doc to review first.  I’m not missing any meds.  He wants to add more of one that I know could increase my anxiety disorder.  That is always my gauge because it that goes out of control, I can’t function. Of course it is the weekend and no chance of hearing from my doc.  He will be consulting with her and wants me back in two weeks.  Can’t see her for a month she is so booked.  Don’t know what I will do.  As usual, more decisions to make on my own.  Steve couldn’t help on this, but I’d sure like a companion thru the process.  It always comes down to that, doesn’t it?  

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If I didn't have FB, I wouldn't know my grandson got hurt and might need surgery.  Shame on my kids!  They should be calling me personally with updates instead of me having to hunt it down on FB.  But it's also a way for neighbors to know to look out for that black truck that is casing our homes.  Or that someone we know made it through surgery okay.  For the most part, my FB friends are good ones.  But when I get a response like I did the other day, it's time to shorten the list by one.  I don't put up with that nonsense.  If they're just someone having a bad day, I can remove the post, but if you realize they're off their rocker, time to cut them loose!

I agree your regular doctor should go over any changes before making them.  My feeling is if something's not broke, why fix it!  I heard from my insurance company that they want to "review my medicines with me".  What???  If I've been on something for years that isn't giving me side effects and it keeps my blood pressure under control, why should an insurance company change it!  That should be up to the doctor.  I don't know what it costs, maybe that's behind their thinking, I have long been suspicious of insurance companies anyway, that they don't have our best interests at heart...they kind of rate in their with the government for that.

Your doctor wants you back in two weeks but is so booked they won't get you in for a month?  I'd tell the appointment person the doctor says two weeks, otherwise the assistant should pass a message to the doctor that they have no openings for you for a month.  You shouldn't have to make any decisions without seeing your doctor first! :angry2: Isn't that kind of the point of having them?  That's getting to be another pet peeve of mine...our doctors that can't see us.

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