Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
irina S

loneliness without my husband

Recommended Posts

hi all...

I join many widow grief site it help me talk to others that related what us widow goes thru when losing a spouse our soulmate.. before he pass away we pre paid plots so when my time comes i can be next to him but i want it now.. i don't want wait it's been a year for me and i have our golden dog & cat who both my companionship love them sooo much... my furrybaby dog she not doing health wise she is 13 yr old.. i will for sure adopt more dog and cat to love them and care for them & they keep me busy somewhat and great companion.. i don't want remarry nor get into other relationship. My hubby is number one and he pass away from colon cancer stage 4..i talk to him daily i mean daily to him we both believe in spirit.. i still wear my marriage ring and when we put him in casket i put items he told me to put and i put his marriage ring as well. I try support groups they don't work its not widow support groups its all kind of loss.. i do have friends my best friend i know from online 2008 she was there for me we talk and email.. but i need my husband in earth. i am counting the days,week,months, years until i can finally be with him.. do you count as well?..do you think of your spouse 24/7... i'm avid reader and go to library and try still busy.. i have all his stuff i never remove and never will he share with me musics,vids, we took pics, i record our voice,vids of each other. we took pics, i am not enjoying life without him. it's hard.. i love being computer it somewhat helps i do things that i enjoy but long days is dragging me down without him in bed with me.. my furrybabies keep me comfort and alot kissing and cuddles. I visit his grave and put things like for his bday and our annvis... i vist my sis in law in nuring home i go shopping.. i feel smooth when visiting his grave it. i love him and him only. i don't want move on and hate when people say that to widow. my friend don't say it she not widow but knows better. I need my husband i read books about spirit and they give me sign i had him visit me during my sleep. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Irina. We have abt the same time & most of what you said goes for me. Part of my problem is that Susan was too good. She loved me so much despite many flaws that it doesn’t make sense. Now I’m supposed to live without her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how you feel.  Many days I wonder why I am still even here.  It gets easier for some, not so for others.  I’m at over 3 years and finding I love him even more now which makes things more painful.  I don’t know that I will ever see him again and that makes it harder not having that faith.  You are not alone here, but as caring and loving as everyone is, it can’t replace that emptiness we are all carrying.  I have fur babies too.  I miss being a complete family.   

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you will get more empathy from this group than any place you will go.  There are really actually the different stages and I am not sure we always get through every stage.  Sometimes we get stuck in grief, sometimes even in anger, sometimes others move on and we wonder "how?"  Still, we each walk our own path, and no one can walk on that same path with us.  We try to shake off the moods that paralyze us, but sometimes we just have to give in to them and quit digging and just sit there.  Eventually, you actually do develop scar tissue and we don't have  constant pain.  This spring I saw the colors of the new plants.  I had not seen it in the two springs before this one.  I dread autumn, but I hope I see the changing of the leaves.  I don't know if I will, and I have spent a lot of time being angry, and I cannot intelligently tell you the reason, it does not matter, it is just something that is in my path.  I hate you have to join us, but you will find the best, well meaning people anywhere, here on this forum.  None of us know each other, but we all consider each other friends and we are happy for any triumph over this pain, even for just a moment.  Keep reading, read back on different people and see how their path has come along.  I hope yours gets some easier.  It won't quit hurting, but you might find a moment at some time that you might enjoy a movie or find something to eat that you won't feel guilty for enjoying.  We all walk beside you.  

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Irina,

We welcome you and I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.  I know it is all encompassing and hard to figure out how to navigate your way through this.  None of us invited this, but it was thrust upon us all the same.

"Move on" is not a part of our terminology here...I choose to say instead I continue with my life, but I will never leave George behind.  I feel as you feel about your husband, he is my soul mate, and my dog and cat keep me company and bring me companionship and some joy.  I have learned to look for the good in life, however small (I call them little joys because George was my big joy), however fleeting, I embrace them for we all need some good in our lives.  You mention friends, it is good that you have some, many are alone and isolated, not so good!

You don't mention when your husband died, how long it's been.  It's been 13 years for me, it doesn't seem possible.  I didn't think I could survive a week without him, how could it have turned into 13 years?!  I talk to him, I think about him every day.  I do get out, I'm involved with my church and the senior site, I volunteer at both, so I am around people, but when I come home, I'm alone with my animals.  It's different, not having anyone to leave the garage light on for you or be there for you when you are sick, I've had to learn to depend on myself for everything, sometimes that is challenging, but I've made it thus far.

I also lead a grief support group, it's open to anyone but so far it's only been widows in attendance, we've grown close and I've seen transformation in them.  One in particular who had a breakdown, she'd spent her whole life with her husband and didn't know how to live without him, now she's sold her house, bought a new one, dealt with contractors (a whole new ballgame!), joined different activities, and now has a way of life, it's been so fulfilling to see this in her, quite different from a year ago.  She actually seems happy now, even though she still misses her husband, and I'm sure like me, she talks to him.  ;)

I've learned to coexist with my grief.  We don't leave our spouse behind, we bring them with us but we have had to incorporate them into our lives in a different way than before, because they no longer can physically hold us or talk to us, but we know the love continues and we carry them in our hearts and memories and draw sustenance from that.  I know my husband is proud of me, he was always the first to understand me, and I him.  That hasn't changed.  We will be together again, but meanwhile, I'm carrying on and living my life as best as I can.

I sense this is a newer loss and want to share what I have learned in the hopes that some of it may be of help to you now or in the oncoming months or years.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My darling passed 14 months ago.  Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy, I still get very sad and I can’t get beyond the emptiness.  I don’t always feel bad, but when I do it’s very hard.  Does anyone else struggle like this?  Thank you all.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

kayc... i did mention he pass away a year ago has pass for me but it wont matter how many years i will always feel raw the day he passaway i will still feel same always will be.. i try not think about hurt myself bc in my beliefs its against religious cuz i wouldnt be with him when my time comes really....so yea he pass away a year ago.....i love what you said..  We don't leave our spouse behind, we bring them with us ..... of course we can talk and see them in our dreams when they visit i saw him many many times when im sleeping he comes in my dream.. i too judyk.. get soo depression and already depression since i was a kid...plus grief depression.. im surprise none of us died of heart broken grief.. my god mom pass away in 2012 cause her hubby was ill pass in 2011 she couldn't live without him so she pop pills her daughter told me this and pass away from heart failure but she was sooo health she did on purpose my god mom so she can be with her hubby and she did she and hubby wanted be cremation together that what her daughter did i miss my god mom soooo much but i understood she wanted to be with her hubby. Well she got what she wanted my god mom and now she and her hubby are together in heaven. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

kayc i would like join your widow since after all its strictly for widow i like that is it online or you have to meet i am not able travel to far at all i am disable and have my cousin take me stores and pharmacy pick up my meds or she does everything and have me go to doctor appts or a van transport does for me ... 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a group that meets together in person.  Have you contacted hospice to see if there are any widow groups meeting in your area?

A year is still not all that long, I was actively working on my grief and it still took me about three years to process it.  It helps to come here, read the articles, books, see a grief counselor, attend a grief support group, I even did art therapy.  Please realize that suicidal thoughts are common in early grief, it's so important to talk to a professional grief counselor about your feelings, work through them, give yourself time to feel different, it can take years, but it's worth it to work through it rather than act on it.  I'm glad I didn't know in the beginning what I was in for, the Lord knows it was hard enough!   Can you get out to a senior site?  I go twice a week and volunteer the heavy work the others can't do, it really helps to get out around people in a good atmosphere, we have a good one with a lot of laughter and caring, we all check on each other during the week when we know someone is going through something.  Most of us are widowed and alone.  We have a van that picks up the disabled or people with no rides, it has a lift to help people who are in wheelchairs.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...