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My letter to my love


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Right after Dale passed away, I started a letter to him.  I've been keeping it going and write to him on special occasions and just when something happens.  It somehow makes feel more connected to him, even though I talk to him all the time.  Today has been 3 years since he left this life and I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about and know how I feel, so here is a little part of what I wrote him today:

"Sure the holidays, birthdays, anniversary are hard without you, but it's the little "everyday" things that you did that I miss the most.  The way you would come up behind me and give me a hug when I was cooking or doing the dishes; when we were watching TV at night and sitting on our respective couches depending on which way I was facing you, you would lay your hand on my arm or hold my foot; when we would go for a motorcycle ride or to friends for a BBQ, I would french braid my long hair down to my neck and you would finish braiding the rest of my hair (regular braiding) so that I would have a nice even straight braid (cause I hated crooked braids); you would always hold my hand when we were walking through a parking lot into a store or when we were in a crowded place;  when I was working outside the home, you would call me when you got home from work always earlier than me to let me know you were home and that you loved me; when I started working from home and would be in my office working, I would catch you peeking around the door jam watching me work; how proud and excited you would be when I got an award at work or finished some craft thing I had been working on; you would always find me no matter what I was doing, even sleeping, to kiss me goodbye when you left the house no matter how long you were going to be gone; when you came home you would immediately say "Hi Brat" when you walked in the door; you teasing me, hearing your great one liners and the nick names you use to call me; I would catch you just looking at me for no reason (at the time that would drive me crazy) but sure miss it now.  There are so many more that made up our daily life (but hard to remember and write down through the tears)that made me feel special, loved, adored and wanted.   I would give anything to have all that back, to hear your voice, see your face, feel your touch, but all I can do now is love you with all my heart, miss you with all my heart and soul and hope that I will see you again someday.

I was hoping that moving closer to your girls and my family would make things easier and I would feel less lonely and mean something to someone and in some ways it has, but you are not here and I guess, even though it's been 3 years, it's still too soon to feel from others the love and comfort that I felt from you. I know you would love the new place and that you would be happy that I'm closer to family and in a safer environment, but I really wish you could be here"

I sure do miss him!!

 

 

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Thinking of you and holding you close on this special day of remembrance, dear Joyce. The precious memories you've shared with us are so simple and sweet ~ no wonder you miss your darling Dale so . . . ❤️

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Our 57th anniversary was July 3rd.  I always buy him cards for the special occasions and write on them as if he will read.  I too worked from home for too many years.  Billy always felt guilty because I was working, so he sat on the couch not three feet away from me and did his hobbies.  He tied fishing flies and would wrap fishing rods..  He would take some of his old rods and would take them apart, put new wrapping on each one in different colors and we always kept him supplied with the clear fingernail polish to finish them with.  He could have been fly fishing the many creeks and rivers, but he would stay stuck to me like the fingernail polish.  By then I was editing the reports put out by stupid computers that did not understand what the doctors were saying and he and I would laugh and keep up a going conversation because by that time, editing was not my hobby and I wish I had quit many years before and fly fished with him.  But, you know how it is, we had forever.

I don't think I realized you had moved back "home."  I know "home" was where our mate was, but I hope you are among friends and family, as I am, because it does not take away the pain or the sting, but it does provide other things that help put scar tissue on the wound, and then a day like today rips it off.

I started writing, as that was part of therapy, I thought.  Then I would read where I was last year, or a note from the year before, and it brought everything back as if it was the first day of shock and denial.  I never thought about just writing to Billy.  I do that on his cards.  I fill them up with words and I know when I leave and my family finds them, it is probably going to make them very sad.  I hope not.  My two kids both have searched for a love that was similar to mine and their dad's love for each other.  Have searched for a companion that would compare.  But, they forget, it was not always easy for me and their dad.  We hit rough times that they were part of.  The last years were perfect, but you have to go through a lot of imperfect to reach that point and they both have come to the age that perfect does not exist without some imperfect thrown in and worked through.  

My heart is with you today, and I'm proud of you for having the courage to go back to where you used to live.  I went through my hometown a lot of times since I have been back in Louisiana.  Even though all my relatives were there at one time, my  church, my  school (which they have torn down and combined with other small towns), I know I could not live there.  I live in the same parish (county), but about 33 miles south of my hometown and only three miles from Billy's hometown.  We began our marriage here and spent all but the last 17 years in this area.  He is not here in body form, but I feel him here in essence.  He would not have lived in an apartment, but I could not have pulled an RV and never want the responsibility of taking care of a house.  When we were young people said we were just throwing money away paying rent.  Well, I am not in that situation anymore.

Proud of you for the steps you have taken.  And Joyce, I don't think we will ever find what we had with Billy or Dale, but you have love from family and friends, it is not the same, it does not heal, but it does help in some small way.  

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I think what you wrote is beautiful and so touching.  I gave up writing to Steve and even talking to him much because nothing was returned.  That you find some solace in this is wonderful.  Sharing it was very special as we can each fill in our own memories of that life we once had.  It’s like you wrote for me to him today.  So thank you for that.  You showed me it isn’t just about me.  It’s about the us we sometimes lose sight of.  How we think we are the only ones suffering, tho we know down deep we are not.  You’ve made so many changes since left that I could never do like moving.  I know it hasn’t been ideal, but I see you as so strong.  Many hugs today, my friend.

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Gwen, it has been awhile, but after Billy left I reached for him each morning.  My  friend had lost  her husband in December, the year before.  I would wake up with such a disappointment that I finally said "you are gone, you left, you are never coming back."  I told my friend what I had to do  and she fussed at me terribly.  She said I need to touch his pillow and tell him how much I miss him and I will never quit loving  him."  Just that little thing seemed to help.  That first week it is like you are walking through a million mile desert with never any water anyhow.  You try to will yourself to die and it just don't happen.  Screaming into a pillow just hurt my head too much.  Crying continuously did not bring him back and I knew he was gone, but II would talk to him.  I still talk to him.  I think I will always talk to him.  My friend, her husband had been gone over 10  years and I asked her if she ever talked to him.  She looked at me strange and said "you are still new in your grief."  

Gwen you are brave and strong too.  You have so  much physical pain and you have to deal with doctors so much.  That is strong too.  I have an appointment Thursday and I only made it because I don't want to do without my blood pressure meds and she would not refill until I came in.  Truthfully, it is past time for me to come in.  I don't have anything they can fix and the only thing they can work on is my blood  pressure (and I know I have to lose weight, I have let myself go too much, too long).  I would not have done that if Billy was here.  You do take care of your health.  

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Brat2 that is beautiful. I totally relate. I also miss the little things so much, like our baseball caps getting in the way when we met and tried to kiss, or when she'd put sunblock on my back and say "have to be sure to get the PB ears" etc. Life is just so much darker without Susan's sweetness, no matter how I manage to put one foot in front of the other. I also write to Susan, and I write her response.

I know hard these anniversaries are. I had our 49 wedding anniv on 6/27 and Susan's birthday is 7/18. Hang in there and know your virtual friends are with you.

Picked up When your soulmate dies" again. This book really gets it. There are many statements acknowledging that losing the person who is the center of your daily life is not like other grief, and that "the deeper the love, the worse the grief". I know it's obvious to this group, but it's nice to see in print.

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Thank all of you for your kind responses.  I know all of us are going through our own struggles, whether it's emotional, physical or both and it's so easy to forget you are not the only one and that you are not alone.  This site is wonderful in helping you to not feel alone.  Gwen, I know most days I don't feel strong, but when you think about it, we are ALL strong each in our own way to get through another day.  Hugs, Joyce

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Joyce, that's beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes.  I do that too...have a "letters to George" file in Word, and every now and then I write in it.  Our relationship began with letters, ironic it should end up this way too, although I miss getting letters back to mine.

I agree...we must have strength, we're still doing this!

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That's a beautiful letter and lovely memories!  It brought back so many of my own!
I hope it helps you to write them out.  I have often thought of doing the same.  
I know that I cannot actually connect with my husband anymore, but it's nice to remember the wonderful little things, which you've done so well here.
C.S. Lewis described it this way, in "Out of the Silent Planet": 
"A pleasure is full grown only when it is remembered. You are speaking, Hman, as if the pleasure were one thing and the memory another. It is all one thing. … What you call remembering is the last part of the pleasure… When you and I met, the meeting was over very shortly, it was nothing. Now it is growing something as we remember it. But still we know very little about it. What it will be when I remember it as I lie down to die, what it makes in me all my days till then – that is the real meeting. The other is only the beginning of it."

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...and now it's here, Susan's birthday, 7/18. I had a party last year but today I'm just going to write a card and put it on the mantle. Some positive things recently but today just sad. I really don't want to do this without her 🐼😢

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By now you've made it through until the next "special day".  Yes it is sad, very hard.

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On 7/19/2018 at 8:42 AM, kayc said:

By now you've made it through until the next "special day".  Yes it is sad, very hard.

Yes. I wrote the card and got a fruit tart with a candle like we always do and set out a plate for Susan. I sang happy birthday and we made our wishes. I wished that Susan would come to me more and she wished that I woud enjoy my life. Then we blew out the candle together.

Yesterday was so beautiful that I took off for our favorite summer place, Ptown. Perfect beach day and enjoyed it but every sailboat coming in made me think "that should be us". I am so lost without her.

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I know.  I felt lost for so long...now I just feel alone.

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On 7/10/2018 at 11:15 AM, brat#2 said:

I was hoping that moving closer to your girls and my family would make things easier and I would feel less lonely and mean something to someone and in some ways it has, but you are not here and I guess, even though it's been 3 years, it's still too soon to feel from others the love and comfort that I felt from you. I know you would love the new place and that you would be happy that I'm closer to family and in a safer environment, but I really wish you could be here"

Somehow I thought I would feel him more down in our old home area.  You know really, if you were in a tent with him, you were at home.  A hotel room........home.  Anywhere with him was home.  It is familiar in our old part of the country, the people know me, people care for me, but no one will care the same way.  You cannot get that close, it is not him.  Cannot doubt that other people find love again, but it is not him.  Like the little woman in the wheelchair said "it is not the same" and it shouldn't be.  It should just have to be someone you are comfortable with and damn, it took me many years to get that comfortable.  I don't have many years.  I don't care either.  I wish the others well, but even if I was younger, it still would not be him and it would have to be.  Just me.  Glad other people are not like me.  

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6 hours ago, Marg M said:

Somehow I thought I would feel him more down in our old home area.  You know really, if you were in a tent with him, you were at home.  A hotel room........home.  Anywhere with him was home.  

Oh, how true that is, Marg!  It’s a feeling in your heart.  We didn’t go many places any more, but when we did it was the being together that was what mattered.  Nothing has made that so clear as our house.  Now it’s a house.  Used to be a home.  I’ll tell people I am going home, but the truth is I am going to a place that is dark, cold, empty that’s only last gasp of home are memories.  I’m glad they are there, but you can’t live on them.  It’s like a great book.  You reach that last page and there is no more.  Our story ended.  What a common word that used to mean everything without my consciuosly knowing.  Home.  Why everything feels like a task now.  It’s harder because others don’t get it, they can’t.  I don’t know what they think I do night after night.  Things get fine, but they don’t know how empty they feel now.  They certainly can’t know the silence.  Of desperately wanting to converse with someone, the inside jokes, seeing so many things and no one to share them with.  Waking alone and knowing that will not change tomorrow, next week, next year or ever.  We have a fridge magnet that says 'a house is not a home wiithout a dog'.  It isn’t without our love flowing thru it with each other, even more so.  A perfect example is why am I writing this post sitting here alone after midnight?

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You all express it so well.  Last night as I was going to sleep, I was thinking, I was meant to be married, otherwise why would I have done it so many times?  And yet there's only one I truly wanted to marry.  The first one I was forced into it at 17, nowhere to escape to.  The second one, I remember being so scared/anxious, I went to Star Wars with a friend the night before to get my mind off it...even walking down the aisle with my dad I had thoughts of running out the door.  Why did I do it?  IDK.  Mixed up.  With the last one I was out of my mind with grief and trying to put the pieces to the puzzle back together...they clearly didn't fit.  Someone should have had me committed for my own good.  The only one I was excitedly anticipating marrying was George.  I will never forget the look on his face, I will never forget the feelings in our hearts, it was the happiest moment of my life, likened only to the birth of my children.  He was my soul mate, my best friend, thru all time.  He still is.

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 “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  – C. S. Lewis

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” ― C.S. Lewis

I'm waiting for the fairy tales again.  I have not got to the chapter about "happily ever after, yet."  I lived the fairy tale, even the scary parts, 

“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.”  ― G.K. Chesterton

I am far from being a child, but I am tired of the dragons.

 

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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

 “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  – C. S. Lewis

 

I really don't want my heart be this broken again.

off topic, that CS L quote is very Wuthering Heights. LOL

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You know what, this great man lived and loved and died in my lifetime, and I was too busy to even remember him passing.  C.S. Lewis and Robert Frost both leaving us in 1963.  I remember the wind blowing Robert Frost's white hair around at JFK's inauguration, but never thought about the meaning their words would have on me in later life.  

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