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28 days later (terrible movie reference but he would have laughed at my attempt to bring a movie reference into this). On June 12, 2018, just over 3 weeks from his 41stbirthday, my beloved husband died. It was so sudden and unexpected. He had been feeling a bit off for about a week. His mild discomfort rapidly turned to pain and in less than 16 hours from going into the hospital he was gone. I negated an autopsy. I am a doctor, granted a Vet not a human one, and do not feel that the knowledge gained would have helped me to heal. He died in my arms and I was helpless to save him. The nursing staff did everything that they could but without a human doctor available on site, there was little they could do either. 

 

He was the love of my life. We dated as kids and went different ways as so many young couples do. We both found that we thought of each other often in the decade+ between then and when we reunited. I moved back home, and he found out on FB of all places and sent me a message to meet up and reminisce and so we did. It was like no time had passed between us, except we were older, and wiser and had this strange existence without each other for so long. We dated, moved in together, got married, we bought a house just like we hoped we would as kids but were too scared (and poor, and uneducated) to do so back then. It was wonderful, and we were so in love with each other and loved the life we were building together, everything. And suddenly, it is all gone. 

It is so hard to just BE without him. I have gone back to work, and generally I am ok there. I have always been fairly good at separating my work self from my home self. Coming home is hard. Getting up in the morning is hard. Eating dinner alone is hard. Sleeping alone is hard. Watching TV without him is hard. It’s not that I don’t know how to do it, heck practically everyone can do these things alone. Mainly it is that I don’t want to do it. 

I moved a lot as a kid and learned how to let people in my life go. That was back in the pre-internet, pre-email, pre-free long-distance phone calls in the continental USA times when you had to hand write a letter, buy stamps and know the address of the person you were trying to reach olden days; you know, practically in the stone-age. It was easier to lose touch with friends than to stay in touch so you learned to let go with empty promises of continued contact. This is different in so many ways. I know that those people are likely still out there somewhere, living their lives and hopefully happy ones. We had to separate because of my being a kid and my family had to move, and although that wasn’t by my choice, I always knew when it was coming. I definitely did not know my husband’s death was coming. And ultimately, I think that this kind of history makes it hard for me to develop lasting relationships, but that is a topic for another discussion forum! My dear husband understood my past, accepted me for it and despite it and all of the mess that it made of me. He loved me for who I am, not who I was. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. It is so easy to be worried that he will be the best thing for the rest of my life. I am ok with that one hand, but that makes for a very bitter sounding future. 

We built a wonderful group of friends, old and new, and we are all like a giant extended family of misfit toys. I love them all dearly. But they can’t always be around when I need a shoulder, a hug, a comforting word or just a moment of silence in someone else’s company. I guess that is why I am here. I may be a very strong, courageous and driven woman on the outside, but I am a quivering, disheveled and broken-hearted mess on the inside. I know that this will get sort-of better eventually, and it is certainly too early to hope for that yet. I honestly think that sometimes I don’t want to be better ever. I was better with him, not without him. I had already lost him once, as a young woman, and now I am faced with being without him for the rest of my life. This was not what we had planned. This was not how our story was supposed to end. I don’t know how to put a close to that “chapter” of my life when he was supposed to be in the rest of the book. 

My husband was a movie buff, a computer geek, and an all-around nerd but as a Vet, so am I. Two peas in a pod on so many levels. We were both raised in the faith and left it when general knowledge and worldly experience showed us too many gaps in the system that caused us to become disillusioned. At this point though, it leaves me with a large hole of what happened to him after he died. I like to tell people that he has become midichlorians (Star Wars reference for those who are not fellow geeks). He had such a powerful life force and this reference gives him both honor and a place to be. Somewhere is not quite the right word for where he would be but at least it is where I can potentially join him someday. It also gives me hope that he can be with me still as they are supposed to be everywhere and in everything. He can still be here to guide me if I can just try hard enough to feel him around me. Please just let me feel him around me. I miss him so much.

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Hello CarrieM,

I'm sorry for your loss.  This is a good place to come in search of understanding or just wanting to belong.  Your loss is so recent and you must be still shocked to lose the love of your life.

There are so many things I could say you.  The only help I can offer is to be here to listen to what you share.  Hugs to you.

Marita

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Hello Carrie M,

Welcome! 

The way you speak of your love and friendship of your husband  reminds me of the same feelings and emotions when my wife suddenly died.  Fortunately, I  found this safe haven of people who know, understand, and empathize with my pain, grief, and loss.  I was in such "Shock and AWE" about my beloved wife's death. 

The wonderful people here helped me to understand how to grief, what I am feeling is, and that this is something that I don't just "get over it and move on".  There is a process and there are tools of healing and comfort. It is okay to take care of yourself.  Grief takes much energy.  Allow yourself time to rest and to take care of yourself. Get good sleep, eat healthy, and drink more water.   I had difficulty with all of this.  It takes time.  I have learned to just take one moment at a time.

It seems most people don't understand this side of grief unless they have experienced this profound loss. MartyT, and many others here have great tools, and listening ears and compassionate hearts. You are invited to share,ask questions, and just be here with us as we travel this path.  - Shalom 

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Carrie,

I also want to welcome you to this site...this place of understanding, where we are a family that gets each other.  I am so so sorry your husband died, the loss is the hardest one I've had to learn to do in my life, but I want you to know I'm still here after 13 years, somehow I've survived when I didn't see how that was even possible.  My husband was larger than life, I couldn't imagine life without him.  It sounds like your husband was too.  7/7/77 was when I saw Star Wars, so that was a very long time ago...the line was blocks long at a movie theater that no longer exists.

There are many things people will say to you that are inappropriate, I've learned to develop moxie and correct them, we all handle it differently.  This is a good place to come to with your feelings, there's no one answer but it helps to hear it all shared, it validates our feelings and lets us know we are not alone in this.

You mention religion...not everyone believes in the hereafter, although I'd venture to say most do, although they may not know what it looks like.  I'm not talking about man-made religion, I'm talking about belief that we're part of something bigger, belief that the journey doesn't just end when our bodies give out.  It sometimes helps to look at videos of the universes, the stars, the planets, to realize how vast and intricately woven everything is, how connected we all our, it can help with the realization that this is not all there is, there's so much more, more than we can explain or comprehend.  Somewhere out there is your husband and mine, and I fully believe we will be with them again.  Having faith that this is so is the hope that sustains me!

I wrote this article based on what I learned in the first 12 years, so if there's even one thing in it that speaks to you, I hope you find help in it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 7/11/2018 at 8:35 AM, kayc said:

You mention religion...not everyone believes in the hereafter, although I'd venture to say most do, although they may not know what it looks like.  I'm not talking about man-made religion, I'm talking about belief that we're part of something bigger, belief that the journey doesn't just end when our bodies give out.  It sometimes helps to look at videos of the universes, the stars, the planets, to realize how vast and intricately woven everything is, how connected we all our, it can help with the realization that this is not all there is, there's so much more, more than we can explain or comprehend.  Somewhere out there is your husband and mine, and I fully believe we will be with them again.  Having faith that this is so is the hope that sustains me!

Carrie, my mustard seed faith and my family keep me going.  We (Billy and I) grew up with our kids and sometimes it does seem like it "takes a village" because my family and friends keep me going.  Billy's presence is everywhere, even though I moved back to where we had lived together, were born, raised, schooled and our children were also.  My story is splattered in word salads now for well over two years, three years in October.  You know a man was well loved when his kids grieve almost (and they would argue "as much missed") as I do miss him.  Your husband was so young, as I am sure you are too and life seems unfair a lot of times.  Well, it is unfair a lot of times.  I would have been happy if I could have had 54 more years but we all know the impossibility of that.  

You have come to a good place and you write where we feel your pain.  Just keep reading and writing.  I read a lot of widow's and widower's books written about losing their mate and they have helped, but this forum helps the most.  My heart is with you.  Stay awhile with us and maybe there might be a moment or two that helps.

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CarrieM, I totally relate. I'm at a little over 15 months. Susan also had no hint of a life threatening condition, and was gone in about 15 minutes, at home, while I sat in the living room. For someone whose life revolved around her I've reached out a lot. Most family and friends have been wonderful. I get OK moments but a lot if the time it's just ashes. New relationships seem superficial compared to what we had. The main thing that keeps me going is wanting to make sure she is remembered. Otherwise I don't see much point in the rest of my life. I'm lost without her.

To hear that you wouldn't guess that I took friends sailing yesterday, that I just got back from coffee with a friend, and tomorrow I'm going to the Cape with a woman friend and staying overnight! which is quite an adventure for me in this new grief world. Yeah, I'm keeping active and reaching out like they tell me. It's better than isolating and I have my moments, but everything is a wave. Better is followed by worse. I'm ready for it now. No good moment approaches an ordinary moment with Susan by my side.

Sharing with others who have lost a soulmate helps me the most and I hope it works for you. We're here and I'm sure there are non-virtual people around you. Of every pair of soulmates, one will go first and one will be left behind. Nobody else gets it and non members of this sad club can be very hurtful even with good intentions. I have a well meaning friend who works hard at explaining away some things she says, but bottom line she is very critical and judgemental that I'm not "getting over it" fast enough. 

Welcome and best wishes, Tom🐼

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Tom,

I just posted this elsewhere for someone whose husband was frustrated she wasn't over her loss (she's at 4 months), maybe it would help your friend "get it" a bit better...
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

I like that you keep working at it and trying.  

19 hours ago, TomPB said:

I'm keeping active and reaching out like they tell me. It's better than isolating

 

19 hours ago, TomPB said:

Better is followed by worse. I'm ready for it now.

 

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I really can't add anything to what has already been said here so well.  You have expressed grief the way it is.  We want it to change, but it will not change.  
Our losses are real and aren't going to go away.  Yet, there IS life after our spouse's death.

Carrie, you are riding the wave of shock that follows the thing you never wanted to happen.  You will have many hard days, but you will have good ones too.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  Please keep sharing them.

When I feel overwhelmed with grief, it helps me to remember all that I HAD and all that I still have, even what I have that I did NOT have with my husband.
I take inventory of all the blessings I enjoy, big and small, that I can think of; and I thank God for them.  That's when peace and even joy fill my heart.

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@CarrieM  How are you doing?  Haven't heard back from you...I know how hard this early grief is.  This place saved me, I don't know where I'd be had it not been here.

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Thank you all for your kind words and support. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Before this it was med school that was the hardest I had experienced. At least with that, there was an expected end date to the "torture," not that it was always bad either. I have good days and bad days. I went for my first waxing since Shane's death today. I am still not sure why I went, it's just what I always did before and 8t was easier than making a decision to stop waxing. I cried with my waxer, not because the experience hurt but because I had to talk about why I seemed off today. Turns out she lost her twin brother 2 years ago and their birthday is this weekend. She had never mentioned him before. We both cried a little and laughed a little and shared some of our griefs and woes. Even if it wasn't her husband, a twin is another terrible loss, and I sincerely felt akin to her struggles. Although it makes me sad, it was good to share with someone I felt could truly understand. I feel the same with all of you. Again, I thank you all for being here. 

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Isn't it crazy that little bit of time in the am before your really awake and the loss isn't there but then you roll over or open your eyes and they are gone and yet we keep getting up and " living" with this vague hope that it'll get better eventually. Now this may sound odd but I think the loss is kinda beautiful when you said you "don't want be better ever" it's like our grief is this tribute to who and what they were eh I don't know how to say what I'm saying. Good luck really sucks you've lost your Mr.Darcy.

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Nick, I told this a hundred times before.  I looked over on his pancake pillow (I called them that cause I sleep on 3-4-5 fluffy ones), and he was not there.  I finally said "Okay, you are gone, you are never coming back, period, end."  And, I told my friend who had lost her husband 10 months before.  She actually got angry at me.  She said, "never do that, you look at his pillow, touch it, and tell him you will always have him with you, in your heart."  And, she told me how she had talked to his chair.  She reviewed the whole marriage (and I knew of lots of bad parts) and she hashed them out with him.  (He could not talk back.)  Then she told him why she loved him so much  and how all those bad times made the good times so much better, and how much she loved him.  It helped her.  I was going to try that.

It was almost 40 miles to a city to shop in.  Our little town had just hit the 1000 mark.  Billy was a "hat man" and loved all manner of hats, never fedoras, tried cowboy hats, didn't work for him, and finally a form of outback hat with brim to cover his ears from the sun.  Fair skinned, prone to skin cancer.  He was an outdoors man through and through.  Sometimes I thought I lived with Dr. Seuss, because every day it was "do you like my hat?"  So, he had more hats than I care to think about, but four of the same style, different colors, but he wore these four all the time, of course one at a time.  The man was quirky.  He put up with me over 54 years, he had to be.  So, these four hats were Billy.  

I put them in the passenger seat, all four hats.  In my 40 mile drive to the city, I talked to Billy's hats.  I went from the first nine years, sometimes nightmare years, to the next years with lots of growing up, my real frightening illnesses that changed the whole framework of the marriage to the final wonderful years, his taking care of me the  year before when everyone thought I would die.  Billy was my nurse, my caretaker, my best friend, my lover, my most trusted companion, and I talked that all over with the hats.  By  the end of the trip I was exhausted, but I got rid of any resentments, everything I wanted to say.  We were 18  and 20 when we got married and we grew up with our kids.  It was not all sunshine and roses, but  it was as close to Heaven on Earth that I will ever get.  I felt like something was lifted off me.  So, my next trip to the city  I tried it again and I cried the whole way.  

I still talk to him.  His hats are above the wooden box that I picked out at the funeral home.  The beautiful box with the verse etched into it and the tree of life on one side, and they will be mixed together in a paper box when the time comes and placed in our plot.  

Until then, we, I, you, us, them, they will continue the journey with a memory beside us, inside us, and the younger ones will possibly love someone else.  For me, these hats, the box, and I will wait it out, but more power to those that have other purpose to their life.  I'm tired. 

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23 hours ago, Nicholas(Nick) said:

I think the loss is kinda beautiful when you said you "don't want be better ever" it's like our grief is this tribute to who and what they were

Our grief IS a tribute to what we've lost, which was great.  Don't think we need to cry the rest of our lives to prove it to them though...the pain lessens eventually, and although our grief is with us the rest of our lives, it evolves...we couldn't handle it if it didn't.  The really important thing to realize is that it is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues still.

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