I lost my lover, but my best friend as well.

[Solonglarry27]

Hi to all. 

I'm not sure where to start or how to say all of this, really. The feelings I'm having I thought I would never have again, but this time the feelings are tenfold. There has been only one other significant romantic relationship in my life, besides the one that ended a couple of days ago. I met her when I was 14, and we were together for about three years. I moved away, we split up, she came back to visit here and there, kept leaving and we both kept hurting each other emotionally by drawing out the relationship. It took me a long time to get over the feelings of hurt and dread that the relationship left me with. From that point on I spent a lot of time alone, never had any real relationships that were emotionally gratifying, and self medicated with mostly alcohol. I was never a troubled child, but the pain the relationship left me with caused a lot of depression and anxiety, and since I never went through feelings of this nature before, I was maybe ill-prepared to handle the feelings I was experiencing.

About a year and eight months ago, I started working with a woman who was my boss/supervisor, what have you. For reference, I am 25 and she is 33. We clicked very quickly and grew a rapid friendship, healthy and caring. She was very open with me about many things and she was in a strained relationship of 18 years. They have three children together. October, 2017, she made him leave. I tried to be there for her through that time and be supportive. He was stalking her and going crazy when he couldn't get a hold of her, that type of person.  Although he apparently expressed to her that he never really loved her and the actions and things that I saw and heard from him, I wouldn't doubt that he really never did love her, or at least lost that love for her many years ago. In middle November 2017, we started going to get coffee together after work, a very big love for both of us. We would talk about things and eventually we expressed feelings of affection towards one another, all verbal. 

One night in late November 2017, we planned on our night coffee talk, and as we were driving to our place, her husband, for lack of a better word, tried to gun us down, in my car, in the middle of the street.  I'd rather not go into too much detail about the incident, but it left me in a state of complete paranoia and anxiousness. He didn't get in a whole lot of trouble, so he was out in a matter of a day after the incident. I thought about physically leaving where I was and just getting out, going somewhere, anywhere. I had no plan but it didn't really seem to matter. I don't remember what it was exactly that kept me around, but I did. We kept working for about a month after the incident, and then we both got fired. I'm sure the incident had a lot to do with it, but she had felt it for some time due to management changes. We started getting closer and closer, being there for each other after it all happened, and forming a very strong and deep bond for one another. We have had our ups and downs from then until now, but nothing horribly drastic. We thought we could basically work through anything. Our relationship was definitely different, but it felt so beautiful and the unconditional love and respect we had for one another was amazing to me. I had never shared that with anyone else before in my life. Things did seem strange at times, being around another man's kids and being in their house, but I cared for them and wanted to be there for them. She wanted me to be there and be a good influence. 

About two months ago from now, we both got a job, at the same place, together, again. I really wanted it to happen and she did too, it was kind of an exciting idea. She never thought she'd be able to work with someone she was involved with like that, but she and I both thought this could be a good thing, and it was and probably still could be. I have to drive quite a ways to get there, but it was worth it because her house was on the way and I could pick her up and we could go to work together. Some days I would stay and just be with her and the kids, wake up and we'd go off to work, simple. 

I started feeling a little more anxious and depressive about a month after that, but I didn't feel that working together was really the issue. I couldn't quite pinpoint what was causing me to feel this way, until I started realizing how much I needed her and involved her in myself so quickly. She was becoming such a huge part of me, and it felt so good because she wanted to help me through things when I was feeling bad and inspired me to stop drinking and self-medicating. But I must have started losing a part of myself that I maybe really never got back. 

Her kids started distrusting me more and more, mostly because of the time that she and I were spending together. She was always trying to do things with them and talk to them, but they didn't seem interested in talking about it or wanting to spend time. Some rumor started by a member of her family gathered around the kids, and without going into too much detail, again, stated that the way she and I spend our time together may involve illicit material. She has never involved drugs in her life and this astonished and hurt the both of us. I have had medical cannabis prescribed to me in the past, so this kind of thing is a bit more familiar to me than it is to her. The distrust worsened when her eldest child suspected use by me, I apologized and tried to talk to her, things seemed ok but not great. Her mother said she wanted to just slow things down and take time to work on the issues we both had instead of focusing so heavily on each other. Her daughter, two days later, then expressed to her mother that she does not like me and even though she appreciates the things I did for them, she didn't like me  being there and the whole situation involving their father was probably the biggest reason. I don't blame her. The situation is beyond strange, beyond messed up, but she and I were trying to make the best of it and be there for each other and the kids. But she started feeling very inadequate as a mother, I felt very inadequate as her friend for hurting them like that, and she felt that, for the happiness of her children, we should not be together. Exactly seven months after we decided to become a couple, she left me.

I understand why a mother would choose that and I would never ask her to choose me over them. Her being a good mother and being there for them is something I respected and cherished in her, and I still do. The pain of losing my best friend and my lover, a woman with whom I shared a deep compassion for life with, it seems too hard to bear. We understood each other and accepted each others faults and flaws without any reservations. To be holding her one day and barely look into her eyes is so frustrating and confusing to me. She said she wanted to still be my best friend and give the whole thing time and space, but as of late, she's afraid I can't just be friends with her for the time being, or forever, and the painful thing is she may be right. She says she still loves me and will continue loving me forever, and I do believe her, but it doesn't make any of this any easier. It would be nearly impossible to stop caring the way I do for her. I don't know if I can drive out to work every day, past her road, without picking her up, seeing her come into work, hardly talking, no compassion. I don't want to lose my job as well, but I just don't see working there being a possibility. I went to the doctor today, but I'm not really ok with taking medication again. I want to work this out on my own, try to be ok. I would love to keep the friendship because in time, things may work out. But the hope just doesn't seem there for either of us. I am unbelievably torn in this decision, for if I leave the job, I'm walking out on everything and that would hurt her too. But I can't go on feeling this way, living and knowing things will never be the same. I have never hurt this bad in my life. The love and compassion she showed me was incredible I just feel like I'm losing so much of myself when I think about not having her in my life anymore. The relationship we made was maybe never meant to be. We took a very impossible situation and made it happen for the benefit of our own personal happiness. Maybe the odds were stacked against us from the beginning. Now I feel strange and kind of stupid after writing this and reading it a bit. I just can't believe this is all happening. 

[kayc]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.  Her mom's advice was good, for both of you to work on your issues and take things slower.  Under the circumstances, any kids would have a hard time with this situation.  My opinion is it'd be good if you found another job where you didn't have to see her everyday and you could have the time and space to heal.  As you focus on yourself and your own life, it should begin to take place, keep yourself busy, your interests varied and open.  Spend time with other people, broaden your horizons, it takes effort to come in contact with others and make friends.  Things like coaching ball, joining a gym, volunteering, etc. open us up to new friends and experiences.

It might help to see a counselor too, to help you learn and discover things about yourself, what to work on.  We all have things to work on, in time you may find yourself more ready for a relationship as you meet your person and move into a healthy life with that person.

Coming here was a good place to start!

[Solonglarry27]

Tried to make things work; Tried to be there for her, but she gave up on me again at work, this time very definitively. I shouldn't have gone down that road; tried to make things work. It just made things worse. Now I'm sitting at home jobless, hopeless, depressed. She made the right decision about a month ago but we couldn't let the feelings go. Now she's giving up completely. I just can't do it anymore. 

[kayc]

Right now everything feels hopeless because you're watching your dreams go down the drain.  But sometimes we can find other dreams, it takes a lot of effort to try to find something positive when you've lost what you want. I know.  My husband, who was the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, everything to me...died suddenly 13 years ago. It was not only a huge shock, it pulled the rug out from under my feet. My income was cut in half so there were practical concerns as well, as if losing him wasn't enough.  And then I lost my dream job.  This was the start of the recession and no one wanted to hire anyone in their 50s or beyond.  Three times I would lose my job in the recession.  And then face growing old alone.  Not what I had planned! 

But day 11, after I lost him, I ran across a refrigerator magnet and bought it...it seemed a message meant for me, it said "Find Joy in every day!"  I began to practice that.  I know that sounds polyanna-ish and some hate that kind of thinking because they don't believe in it or want to try it, but I can tell you it made a difference in my life!  I had lost my big joy in life, George.  But I figured whatever little joys there were left in life, I wanted to see them, acknowledge them, embrace them!  I began to reflect over my day and look for what was good in it.  In time I was able to recognize the "little joys" as I came to call them, and it did something in me...it made me hopeful, looking for good and finding it!  Nothing was too slight, too trivial to count.  In the beginning the only good I could see was something so trivial as a driver letting me merge in traffic or someone holding the door open for me.  But the point wasn't the thing itself, it was the attitude forming in me, the internal change taking place!  I learned not to compare...to compare the big joy I'd lost to the little joys I was embracing would be self-defeating.  Like setting yourself up for a fall or disappointment.  Sure nothing was like it was, my old life was gone, but I could live for what was good, what came my way and not negate it by trivializing it.  It taught me to live in the present, to appreciate, to experience life more fully.

I hope you are able to get unemployment.  If not, take any job you can while you continue to look for the job you want.  I'm sorry you are missing her, I know the pain of heartbreak, been there!  It will get better.  There's something to be said for time, it is a healer, especially as we do all we can for ourselves.  Try not to isolate, avoid alcohol (it's a depressant, not what you need right now!), put your energy to use, take walks, go to the gym, clean your place, volunteer.  Get out of yourself, it helps.

[Solonglarry27]

Thank you so much for reaching out and letting me in on more of the situation on your end. I have read and understood what you are going through, and the situation I am in feels so petty in comparison. We all deal with what happens to us, but I feel I may be overreacting or not dealing with this in a mature or proper way. To lose someone that still cares so deeply, I don't know if I can go through this. 

[kayc]

To each person, their loss is the greatest.  I say that to not minimize what you are going through, your feelings are valid, nothing petty about it.

We go through what we have to.  None of us knows when we wake up in the morning what the day may hold.  We may think we do, but there are those days that surprise us.  Sometimes those surprises feel good, sometimes we don't know how we're going to make it.  I've learned to take a day at a time.  The Bible says each day has trouble enough of its own, I've learned that to be true!  In the beginning I was in shock, everything kind of a blur, but even that shock is a built in mechanism intended to protect us until we can better handle it, it ekes out to us little by little over months.  We get better at coping, we adjust, we learn.  I have learned more on my grief journey than in the rest of my life combined!  I never set out to go here, and yet here it is.  I've learned not to be afraid of grief, but to ride the waves, to let it ebb and flow as it will and not fight it.  In the beginning, I was frantic, anxious, scared, I didn't see how I could live five days without George, let alone the whole rest of my life.  Since learning not to take on "the whole rest of my life", but to do today, it's broken it down into more bite-able chunks I can withstand.  Sometimes I had to break it down into an hour or minute, depending upon what I could handle.  But learning to look for and embrace the good that is, that taught me to live in the present more and get all there is out of life.  It changed the direction of my focus and attitude.  

I can honestly say I am content now.  Sure I have bad days, like anyone.  There are times that are hard to do without George.  Like when I lost a job or went through surgery alone, or had to deal with contractors and make major decisions, or lost my mom or my sister.  Those times make it harder to not have my best friend by my side.  But I like to think he's still with me in spirit, and I do look forward to being together again.

We can go through a whole lot more than we realize.  Sometimes fear speaks to us and in those times we need to put up the hand to it...maybe listen to a meditation, pray.  Muster that strength that is within you and realize, it's all going to be okay.