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I am rambling just to get something written and (hopefully) help my grieving process.  It likely wont make much sense, so feel free to ignore I just wanted to get it out.

My sister passed away just over four months ago.  She was only 47.

We were only 16 months apart and she was my best friend.  I didn't need anyone else, we had each other.  I have a couple of other friends but was happy knowing I had her and didn't feel the need to expand my social circle on meaningless acquaintances.  We finished each others sentences, and knew every thought the other had.  We were only NOT twins because we were born 16 months apart but our bond was just as strong.

In the last five years we have dealt with the death of our stepfather, our mother, and my former brother in law.  We got through it all because we had each other.  How cruel that I lost her as well, 15 months after her diagnosis of cancer.   

I keep hoping that the good memories will come, all I keep getting are flashbacks of the time of her passing, it was not a peaceful death (at least it did not appear that way to me).  She was asleep but I can't even begin to describe the last few hours (although if you are here I'm sure you know what I am taking about).

We used to love boating, so I bought a boat and named it after her.  I'm trying to fill the void that she has left by doing the things we loved to do together. No one seems interested and to be honest, nothing seems like it will be anywhere near as good without her.  I can't imagine travelling without her, we had so many plans!  

Her husband is already dating the neighbour that helped take care of her.  While I have nothing against her personally, I cannot begin to deal with my sister's husband as part of another couple and while I want to support him as well, I haven't been to his place since he told me (because she lives across the street and will likely come over).

I spent the last few months hibernating.  I'm slowly starting to emerge but it's been lately again that these images of her death and crying jags keep coming up.

I don't know if it will ever be better.

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss, Astala, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. The way you describe your close relationship with your sister is exactly how I would describe the one I am fortunate enough to have with mine. I can only imagine the enormity of your grief at losing your sister. Please know that we're not ignoring you. We are here for you, and we are listening. 

The fact that these images of your sister's death are coming up for you now is not unusual, since the initial shock and numbness are wearing off, and you're being hit with the full force of the reality of it all. It's so hard to emerge from that period of hibernation, because you see the rest of the world going on as if nothing has changed, whereas your own life ~ life as you always knew it and as you always expected it to be ~ has been turned upside down. Finding a way to live in this world without the sister you so dearly love is not an easy task. Give yourself time and patience to find your way ~ and know that you are not alone. Here you will find many others who are walking this same path with you, and we welcome you with open arms and caring hearts.

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Dear Astala,

I am so sorry to hear about the untimely death of your sister at such an early age only a few short months ago. You sound like you were very close.  I can understand the closeness you had with her. I have lost three of my siblings and the one I was closest to and shared everything with was the one I had the hardest time accepting that she was no longer here. Your loss is too soon to feel anything but the deep pain of your sister not being here with you. This is about the time for the numbness to wear off and for the pain to hit so hard. Much later you will be able to focus on some of the good memories. I like the idea that you named a boat after your sister. Sharing something that meant so much to both of you is a good memory that you will find comfort in for a long time.

Anne

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Astala,

I am so sorry for this huge loss of your sister, your best friend.  I lost my own sister a few months ago, she had a hard life, as a quadriplegic for 50 years but she was so inspiring to me, I wish her life could have gone better for her.  

I love your idea of naming your boat after her!  Right now the memories are bound to be painful but in time they'll likely bring you comfort and a smile...I can't say how long it takes, but I know that was true when I lost my husband, it takes processing our grief to get there.

I know we all handle our grief differently and it seems her husband is indeed handling his differently...that doesn't mean he doesn't keenly feel the loss.  Don't worry that your feelings about that are hard to deal with right now, try to focus on your own grief and let him do his.  In time it may come around to more of a shared grief but if it doesn't, that's okay too.

It's so hard losing sisters, they've been around all our life, our built in friend, the one that really understood, the one that shared the same parents, upbringing, we have so many memories we shared together.  (((hugs)))

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Thank you all for your responses.  I kind of felt like I was taking a step backwards when I should be moving forwards but it's good to know that it's not uncommon.

Enna, I can't imaging losing 3 siblings.  Of course, my sister and I didn't have any other siblings (it was just her and I) but I don't think I could go through this again.   

I have pictures of us at my mom's place, and my mind keeps picturing the group shot of us with my mom and stepfather.   It's like those movies where they show people fading out, you know?  Of the group of four, I have lost all the other 3 in the past 5 years and I am the only one left.  While my mother and stepfather's passing were difficult (of course) you do expect at some point in your life to lose your parents (it's the natural order of things).   I miss them terribly, but at least I had my sister who felt exactly the same way I did.  I also knew one of us would go first of course, but didn't expect that to be for at least another 30 years...

So much loss has made me completely paranoid.  My husband had problems with his vision last month and it sent me into a complete panic attack until he had it checked (my mothers' cancer was discovered after it had already spread to her brain and interfered with her vision).   Every twinge or ache I have I'm sure it's cancer, although logically I know it isn't and I don't want to turn into a hypocondriac (sp?).  I'm sure I'm dealing with a great deal of anxiety (I'm on blood pressure meds and have anti anxiety medication which I hesitate to use due to its addicting nature).  I just feel very lost right now.  

Regarding my brother in law, I know he is grieving deeply as well.  He loved her to distraction and took great care of her right until the very end.  I'm more upset with the neighbour...she was there (almost too much) towards the end with my sister helping and being there all the time and seems to have just slidden right in after she passed.  I knew I would have to deal with my brother in law dating again eventually - he is still young and I certainly don't expect that he will alone forever, however him telling me this news just over two months after her passing, and then her coming over to his house about an hour after he told us and starting to suggest double dates made me want to run.  I have tried inviting him out multiple times but he has declined the invitations.  I told him that I know we all grieve differently and I was not judging him however I was concerned he was not making good decisions so soon in the grieving process (he has a 12 year old daughter it also effects) and while he is free to grieve as he wishes, it was far too soon for me to be able to deal with it.  Like I said, I'm trying to be supportive, but also protective of my own feelings.

Thank you all for listening, I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

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I can well imagine it was too soon for you to deal with.  My MIL was my best friend, and I took care of her the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  One month after she died (and they'd been married 40 years) my FIL announced he was in love.  We were all sickened but tried to take it in stride, as it was his right to date, but it was very tough, it'd only been one month!  The lady was in his life until he died nearly 30 years later.  They never married and he apparently never told her his feelings, because she did not want to remarry and was vehement about that,  but they were like companions only with their own homes.  She became part of our family, although my kids didn't call her grandma per sae.  It's very tough when they move so quickly.  It felt like it negated all that he had with mom.  

When we are newly grieving we are vulnerable and it's hard to think with clarity as we have grief fog.  For that reason and because of his daughter, I hope he slows it down, way down!  Her chatter about double dating and such is insensitive at best.  You have a good grasp on things and I think it will bide you well, but oh gosh how hard this can be to take in all at once!

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Thank you kayc - you summed it up very well.  Part of me can't help but feeling like she is taking advantage of the situation - while they had known her for a while before my sister got very sick, they were never very close.   She only started spending a ton of time with my sister during the last few weeks of her life.  She was totally friendly to my brother in law's parents as well during this time and would come over and hang out with them when they weren't at hospice and would text them all the time during this time.  At the time, we were thankful for the help, but in hindsight I can't help but feel like she was setting it all up (even subconsciously).  I keep trying to give my head a shake thinking that it's my thought process that is messed up, but we have a couple of friends that feel the same way...it just doesn't sit right.  Whether or not this is the case, we will never know, we just have to deal with the current situation.

I'm mostly concerned for my niece. She is best friends with this neighbours daughter so if this falls apart, as I told him, there is no "clean break".  He says that she says she is ok with it, but I do not believe that to be the case and she is saying that for her father's benefit.  Again, this could be my thought process interfering.

Of course, I still love my brother in law and want to be supportive...I somehow felt that if he should be able to accept this, then I should too and felt guilty that I couldn't....trying to figure out the best way to deal with this is so confusing which is why I have taken the approach that I have.

I hope we have a resolution to this (even if it is only time to adjust) as you did.  I want him (and my niece) to be happy.  I just hope that I can be one day too.

 

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On 7/18/2018 at 9:02 AM, Astala said:

He says that she says she is ok with it, but I do not believe that to be the case and she is saying that for her father's benefit.

I had a close friend I worked with back before George died.  Her daughter job-shadowed with me, and our families were friends, we lived about a mile apart.  One day my friend left her husband and moved in with her supervisor.  Her daughter was devastated.  I tried talking to Cheryl about it but she poo-pooed it.  I suggested she get her own place (she'd by that time moved in with her supervisor, tearing two families apart) and that this was very hard on her daughter.  She chose to believe what she WANTED to believe and didn't heed my advice.  Instead she pulled away from me...by this time my husband died and she moved out of town and her and the supervisor quit their jobs.  My heart broke for her daughter.

Sometimes people are blinded by what they want so much that they don't see and don't want to see how it affects others, let alone themselves.

I hope, as you do, for resolution.  Sometimes it's time to process, sometimes it's change, but oh how the in between time can be so painful!

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Thank you kayc (and all who have responded).  It has helped more than I thought it would just to get this stuff off my chest and actually have a "conversation" about it with those that are not close to us for perspective.  Your words mean far more than you know.

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