Flashbacks

[Becky33]

My Mom took her own life 5 years ago... and I still haven’t come to terms with what happened. I have frequent flashbacks of finding her dead & nightmares as well. I know the rational side of me knows that it’s not my fault... but the guilt is overwhelming. My Mom was such a kind & gentle soul & would have done anything for anyone. My childhood was anything but oridinary... and I know she struggled with anxiety & depression for a long time. She did however get meds for her depression eventually. I know what I feel is normal but my god I just feel numb... and haven’t been able to cry or express my emotions like I use to. I’m like the therapist to my siblings whom I am extremely close to... and I’m good at listening and offering advice and input to others but I feel like I’m just going through the motions of my day & faking it. I have a great fiancé who has been through a similar situation with his Mom ... and it helps a great deal... because he understands. I don’t know where I’m going with this... just wondering if anyone else feels numb & unable to cry I guess. I suppose that I should add that my Dad was emotionally and physically abusive to my Mom and us kids as well. I watched him tear her down piece by piece... but she refused to leave him. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, Becky.  Suicides adds such a complicated layer to grief, it's no wonder you feel numb.  May I ask, are you getting grief counseling?  If not, it might benefit you greatly to do so, it's hard enough navigating your way through grief, but to do it by yourself with a suicide complication seems like an uphill climb for sure.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html