Fresh start

[Rahn]

As i am reeling from my wifes death and everyplace i go and just about everything i do reminds me of her and hits me like a sledgehammer. I was thinking of picking up and moving to a new state for a fresh start. Has anyone in here done that. If so did it go well or was it a mistake. I am in need of some feedback for some people that have suffered like i am now

 

[zeeks]

As someone that's been there and did the moving it was usually from residence to Residence in the same state. But in my opinion you should stay where you're grounded at least until you know if it's the shock phase that wants to get up and run, or the rational side that wants to get up and start again, until you know that stay where you're secure and safe and grounded, pain is going to go with you wherever you go but safety is forever.

[MartyT]

A lengthy discussion of this topic appears here (along with the related articles listed at the base): To Move or Not: Making Decisions in the Wake of Recent Loss  ❤️

[TomPB]

19 hours ago, Rahn said:

As i am reeling from my wifes death and everyplace i go and just about everything i do reminds me of her and hits me like a sledgehammer. I was thinking of picking up and moving to a new state for a fresh start. Has anyone in here done that. If so did it go well or was it a mistake. I am in need of some feedback for some people that have suffered like i am now

 

Rahn, welcome to this sorry club. I try to just share my own experience and not give advice but I have to  suggest not making any big decisions in early stages.

It's an importanr question. I've stayed. Why? For one thing, I've been in so much pain that taking on a major project like moving seemed overwhelming. For another I'm a total creature of habit. Susan always said "🐼s hate change".

On the emotional level it's very mixed. Our home is like a shrine to Susan. I literally have that in the bedroom where I set out some pictures and mementos for my meditations. In addition, everything on the wall or in a cabinet, every piece of furniture, the plants, the rugs, remind me of her. A lot of the art is by her sister including pictures of us. The curtains in our bedroom are from her college dorm! When they sold their parents house she got a lot of things. The chandelier in the dining room is from that house. We did 2 major renovations and most of the ideas, even the shape of the spaces, are hers. I see her counter top, I see her backsplash, her cabinets. Susan was the Cookie Maker and I see her cookie making things when I open a cabinet. I could go on but you get the picture. Furthermore every brick in the sidewalks of Beacon Hill and many local establishments are memories too...

The question is, are these warm happy memories or do they bring the pain of loss. Currently it's mostly pain. My grief counselor tells me they will become happy memories. I'm unconvinced but willing to wait.

The other point is that this is a great place to live. Susan loved it. I would joke that maybe we should move and she'd go NOOOOO.

By now I've taken trips to some places we never went together. The absence of grief attacks triggered by memories is noticable. Then when I get home the memories rush in and an attack hits. Then I think maybe I unnderstand why people move. 

This is very personal. People constantly tell me "you can do whatever you want" and I say "I don't know what I want". Hopefully your path will emerge over time. Best wishes, TomPB

 

[Margm]

You can never do what you want to do because the person that was "home" is not there anymore.  You cannot make them be there.  He left me in Arkansas, so Arkansas had to be avoided. (For me).  It is still avoided except when I have to go back for some reason and I cry a lot, if I am by myself.  But, I had to get back to "home" where we grew up, our schools, kids schools, all the graduations and births, old friends.  It had to be "home" because Arkansas was a horrid place, he had left me there.  Anyhow, I could not take care of that big house and acreage and did not want to.  We had been planning on leaving......together.  The RV was sitting in the big area out beside the house.  We did get to spend some nights there but it never left the drive.  The point is, we were planning on leaving together and he just left without me.  (We knew about leaving, we had been retired for years and tried to leave, family made that improbable). 

So, I left.  Moved back to Louisiana.  He is not here.  Family takes up all my extra time.  Aggravated me at first, now I welcome it......most of the time.  

Nothing works the same for everyone.  My neighbor had a triple level home her husband built.  He was a contractor.  He passed away.  Social Security sometimes does not take care of everything you need taken care of.  She still has not left it about eight years later.  You stay where you feel the best you think you can feel, or you leave to try to make it better.  I cannot say it does not get better because people make liars out of me.  The thing is, I, we, us, she, him, them, whoever, we do the best we can.  Some people find other mates, sometimes it just happens, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it won't.  

It is your path and you will make the best of it you can.  I left very soon after Billy left.  I don't look back.  He is not there........or here either.  

But, as sad as that sounds, you still are in shock, heck, I think we all mostly are still in shock and it has been over 1000 days for me, arithmophobia aside.  You cannot take anyone's recommendations, like I said, it is your path.  I think we are all here so that  you can see we still live, some differently, but just the best we can.  Today he would have been 78.  I wanted to help him get to at least 80.  All of his family passed away (I hate that word "died") in their early  70's.  Mine all lived into their late 80's and 90's (the women), proving only the good die young.

 

[Gwenivere]

I was wisely advised not to make any major decisions for at least a year if not longer.  Moving would not have. Stopped the pain.  I would have had to sort thru his stuff I was not ready for.  The pain is within us.  But. This is your path and I hope if you do decide to move you talk with someone trusted all that would be involved, especially at this most traumatic time.  The only changes I made was to rid the house of all medical supplies from treating the cancer and all pictures if him when sick.  I wanted no memories of that time because living them was enough.  There was grief work to do and that was all consuming no matter where I was.  

[Margm]

21 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 There was grief work to do and that was all consuming no matter where I was.  

No truer statement can be made.  

[kayc]

I wouldn't do anything for a couple of years at least.  Make sure it's for the right reasons, not just to run away.  You can't run from grief, it finds you anywhere you go.  If you get rid of her stuff before you're ready, it's permanent and you'll regret it.  The only one that moved that I saw it was right for them was Marg and that is because she's nomadic anyway and had other family things going on where it made sense.  She wasn't running away from triggers.  We all have the triggers to face, and it's part of our grief process.  It's good to let yourself feel your pain, cry, get through it, it's part of the process.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

You also have your children to consider and they might need the continuity of staying put for now.  I'm not saying never, I'm saying it might make more sense to hold off a while.  In the end, you are the one that needs to make this decision as you're the one living with it.  Perhaps if you explained a little more about your thinking.  Also realize that our thinking is affected greatly by our grief, so that it's hard to think straight the first few years.

What Gwen shared expresses it aptly.