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Nicholas(Nick)

WTF DO I DO!? A questioning rant.

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Well I've never done anything like this group discussion s***, I had to though no one gets it. I'm in hell. They ask "how you are doing"? How do I express this disbelief,sadness, longing, f****** rage filled pain, and loss of self and future? **** your sympathy and **** you I am not doing I am and I really don't even want that. I just want her. But unfortunately no that's the one thing I don't get. I tell you what if I knew when we died we are all together in bliss like they say I'd blow the back of my head off today. s*** ain't that easy though. I don't wanna knock you folks that have your faith I think it's beautiful and great wish I could to, I'm just way to cynical. Any how what do I people? Lemme guess muddle on through this dark dreary hell and eventually the plethora of emotions that roil in me will lessen and maybe just maybe I'll regain enough of myself to.... To what? Try again? Find another f****** soulmate. A terrific woman that bout fits you perfect in every way possible? Cause that's easy as **** it only took thirty f****** years the first time. Or mayhal I should give myself over to god ? Well **** that and burn in hell cause chances are I'm going to and so is she cause we weren't anything and according to all these different sects the one thing you gotta do is chose and follow but I've never been much of a sheep more the wolf hell actually more the half starved crazy junkyard dog. I am truly asking for those of you that have read this far I am really asking I'm an asshole sure but there's a lot more and she saw that and now she's gone. I'm not friendly, handsome or rich and she still loved me so much ugh I wish... I wish.... I wish to many unrealistic f****** things so any helpful insight you may have into this tortured hell of loss one of you may have would be greatly appreciated. Cause I'm alone in this I mean ya I've got friends but no one gets it. I don't think you can unless you've lived it. I tell you what I'll never tell someone " I'm sorry" when they lose a spouse. Okay I'm done.                 For now.  Thanks for spending the time to read this.     Nick.         

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I don't know some heart bullshit they didn't and still don't know 37 years old and she dies in an instant.but yeah no idea even post autopsy they can't tell me not that it really matters chalk it up to the fuked up way stuff happens right?

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What a sudden and traumatic loss this must have been for you, Nick, and you've every right to be furious at the unfairness of it all. We don't have any answers to your asking "Why? Why her? Why me?" ~ but we do respect and honor your right to ask those questions. I hope you will continue to share your thoughts and feelings here with us, and know that we are listening without judgment or reproach.

(You will notice that I've moved your thread over to the Loss of A Spouse forum, as I think it will be a better fit for you ~ as here you will meet many kindred spirits whose losses are similar to your own.)

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Hi Nick.

You sound as though you need an ear and a shoulder.  I feel that way too.  I understand the why questions, unfortunately I also understand that there are no real answers.  Please don't be offended, but I am sorry for the loss you are feeling.  The feeling of being widowed is debilitating.  After 2.5 yrs I still don't know how to manage without my husband.

I have so many impossible wishes of turning back time to before.  The other big wish is for that safe friend who just lets me say what I need to and lets me know that they are there for me.  I hope you have someone you can confide in.

Marita

 

 

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6 hours ago, Nicholas(Nick) said:

I don't know some heart bullshit they didn't and still don't know 37 years old and she dies in an instant.but yeah no idea even post autopsy they can't tell me not that it really matters chalk it up to the fuked up way stuff happens right?

Susan turned the water on in the bathroom while I was in another room. She'd been coughing a lot but no hint of a serious condition. After a while I realized the water had been on for a long time. I looked and she was lifeless in the bathtub. From wondering if she felt good anough to go to the ballet or give someone her ticket to gone in 10-15 min. End of our beautiful world. So yes my friend I get it. All loss of a soulmate is unspeakably hard but our version comes with traumatic shock. Please hang in there one second at a time. 

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Nick,  my sympathies for what you are going through.  It totally sucks, doesn't it? I know what you are going through. I have been there too, and I still am in more ways than I care to talk about. I had to give up my wife on New Year's Day, 2016. We had been together since October of 1974. We weren't ever able to have children, so our lives 100% revolved around each other. When I watched the nurse turn off the ventilator to end my wife's suffering, I thought the breath was being sucked out of me. And there was many a time during 2016 that I wished it had been.I stumbled upon this group on Xmas Eve of 2016. Before that I had spent that entire first year without my wife totally alone. I had retired in 2011 from trucking to be my wife's caregiver, so I spent 2016 as a recluse, just bouncing off the walls. I don't know of any magic advice or answers to give you. There isn't any magic pills either to take and ease the pain of what you are going through.

You're going to miss the hell out of your wife. I still miss mine every day. All I have now are the memories, and I'm stubborn I guess. I refuse to give them up. I will miss her every day for however much longer I continue living (existing actually).  What I'm doing now ain't living, but I suppose it is existing. 

My sympathies to you. Use this group as much as you feel like you can and want to. I've never encountered anyone here that passes judgement, so don't be afraid to bare you soul here. I think there is some kind of therapy in that, and in the availability of this group.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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23 hours ago, Nicholas(Nick) said:

I've got friends but no one gets it. I don't think you can unless you've lived it.

How can anyone possibly get it if they haven't been through it...I don't think that's possible.  All our friends disappeared overnight when my husband died.  He was my soul mate, my lover, my best friend, he was the one person that truly got me, that understood me, we had faith in each other, I never expected this, not in a million years.  I went to my sister's reunion, the only time we were ever apart, once a year, and he dies that weekend!  I don't think there is any understanding this.  You're left reeling, you don't see how you can go on, you're in shock.

If you can't tell people you're sorry for their loss, I don't know what you say, do you have something alternative you'd suggest?  I really don't know.  But those of us here, we get it, we've been there. 

It's been 13 years for me, I remember it like it was yesterday, every detail, even though my head was in a fog, reeling really.  Somehow I've learned how to do this, it's the hardest thing I've ever done, I've managed to work, to function, Lord knows it was hard, indescribably hard.  The sleepless nights, the anxiety, fear, shock.  The one thing that stays with me is the missing him, loving him, that doesn't go away...ever.  But it evolves, it really does, in the beginning it's incredibly painful, it hurt to look at his pictures, but in time, much time, it changed to comfort and even a smile when I see a picture of him.  His love sustains me.

12 hours ago, olemisfit said:

All I have now are the memories, and I'm stubborn I guess. I refuse to give them up.

None of us give them up.  They are what carry us.

12 hours ago, olemisfit said:

What I'm doing now ain't living, but I suppose it is existing.

We've all felt that, it rings hollow next to the life we were living.  I have learned not to compare, that is a sure fire way to bomb out.  Instead I've learned to embrace what is good, look for and acknowledge it, no matter how slight, live in the present, it's what has made a difference to this life I'm living.  It took me years to process my grief, many more years to build a life I can live (no comparisons allowed), and even more years to find purpose.  I will miss him until the day I die, but I look forward to being with him again, I don't know how I'd survive if I didn't have that hope!

Yes, as you say, Darrel, "One foot in front of the other..."

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