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He followed in his father’s footsteps and took his own life yesterday.  My husband and soulmate.  Why...  I don’t know because he didn’t talk to me.  I had to explain to our nine year old son why his daddy wasn’t coming home.  Caleb is devastated and knows his dad did the same thing his Grampy did.  How much more does my son have to endure.  What will I tell Ryan when he’s older.  What will I tell our unborn daughter one day.  What do I tell myself to make sense of this.  I’m devastated and angry and numb.  I see my therapist tomorrow but I have to make plans and I need to make certain Caleb is ok.  

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Our hearts are with you and with your sons'. I don´t know what to say. There is no sense and no answers to your questions, to Caleb questions, and even if there were they would not take your pain away.

You can come and express yourself here freely. If that could be of any help. 

I am truly sorry....

 

 

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OMG, I can't believe it!  Katie, I am so sorry.  Words are lacking for this.  There is no understanding this.  We are here for you.  Do you have a parent, a sibling who could come be with you?

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Katie, I have no words.  I just have none.  I can only hope you have someone with you.  

 

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Katie, like the others said, there are no words.  I too hope you have someone to lean on, you have been through so much.  We are here for you.

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No words. Holding you in thought, dear Katie. 

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Thank you.  Yes I’ve got my parents and siblings who are helping out.  Caleb has chosen to stay with his grandparents.  Which is fine with me.  

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Words do not help, but having people to help take care of you right now does.  

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So hard. So very hard. Our hearts are with you Katie.  Please visit often. There are a lot of caring people here.

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Katie,

I am relieved you have your family nearby and that they are there for you.  I hope you were not the one to find him.  Praying for you and Caleb.  I'm literally sick, I wish I lived close by so I could be of tangible help.

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Words fail me too.  We are no replacement, but we can be here for you.  I cannot imagine the shock this is.  Add my heart to all the others that feel for you.

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Thank you all.  I found Allen.  He did it in the basement while I was out with the boys.  No note.  He was the strong one.  After losing his mom and then finding his dad had suicided just really devastated him.  And losing the kids was an ache for him too but he was the strong one.  I leaned on him.  Where do I lean now.  Who do I go to.  How do I accept this.  Will I be good enough for the kids.  Ryan is a baby.  Caleb is nine and angry.  And how can I bring our babygirl into this world in dec when her daddy is gone.  

Im pretty sure I’m in shock.  Making plans. Contacting people.  It’s hard to step up alone.  I’m grateful for my sister who’s helping out.  

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Katie, please lean on your family.  Allen may have been the strong one, but honey, what we women go through having these children, carrying them for nine months, we are not shy violets ourselves.  I'm sorry you have to be the strong one now, but I hear the strength in your writing.  You have always seemed very strong to me.  We might not want to be, but we can be.  It is not easy, but you have some children depending on your strength.  It will be hard, but you have already been strong a long time.  If your family is there for you, depend on them for awhile too.  And, please let us know how you are doing often.  

2 hours ago, A&K said:

Will I be good enough for the kids

You already are good enough.  

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Katie,

I'm so sorry. I really have no words. And I agree with Marg.....you already are good enough. 

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Katie,

I agree with the others, you ARE good enough and you will find strength for each day as you need it.  Let your family be there for you and the kids, thank God for them!  Come here whenever you need to and we'll be here to listen.  We are all sorry about what has been done.  

We have someone named Darrel on this forum and he says all the time, "One foot in front of the other."  That is sometimes all we can do to make it through our day.  We do what needs to be done.  But sometimes we need help and it's important to recognize it, ask for it, and that is what family is for.  I'm glad you have your sister helping you.  When my husband died, my daughter and my sister made countless phone calls, my daughter followed me around the house with food and water because quite honestly I wouldn't have remembered to eat or drink.  You have the baby to take care of and it's important to take care of yourself, and I'm glad your parents are helping with Caleb.  Just nine.  Sometimes it's hard to remember he's still such a little boy.  I pray hugs around you all.

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Allen’s service is Friday.  I’m struggling to just accept what has happened.  If I can’t accept it how can I speak on Friday.  I don’t know what I will say.  He was my life my heart my soul even through most difficult times.  And the most amazing daddy in the world.  I’m at a complete loss.  Why is what I keep asking.  I’m so sorry I couldn’t take away his pain and grief.  💔

Im jealous.  He’s with our Noah Gracie and Lily and Lila.  Our babies.  

Katie 😢

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Katie,

We stand beside you in your grief. I think even if we each had an answer to our "Why", it would still not be good enough.

I am so very sorry for all the burdens you must carry. Peace to you, my friend.

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Shocked..." No words" ... Praying ... - Shalom

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4 hours ago, A&K said:

He was my life my heart my soul even through most difficult times.  And the most amazing daddy in the world.

Then say that, that says it all.  I wish we could take back that moment, but I also realize that that moment did not negate all of the good that was him.  You may feel all kinds of emotions at once, just know that that is normal and valid.  You'll be in my prayers all the more on Friday, sweet Katie.

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Thank you all

the boys are in bed.  I feel so lost and alone.  Devastated beyond belief that Allen would follow in his dads footsteps and shoot himself.  I want to know what he was thinking and feeling.  I don’t want to go on.  After losing four children and my in laws and now my soulmate and partner in life.  I just am so beyond tired.  I’m still breathing for my Caleb and Ryan and this unborn baby girl.  I’m so heartbroken that I’ve got to bring our babygirl into the world without my other half.  How?  I want to cry and I can’t.  Weird huh. 

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Katie, l wish with all my heart that I could find the words to comfort and console you ~ but what you are going through is simply beyond words. There are no words ~ and sadly enough, in a forum such as this, words are all we have to give you ~ and yet they seem so shallow and inadequate. I am so deeply, deeply sorry for your suffering, and I know there's nothing I can say to make things better for you and your precious children. I just pray that the love you share with your family will be your shelter and your support.

May God hold you in the palm of His hand, as I am holding you in my heart. ❤️  

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I have a friend that mourns the loss of her husband, it's been two years and she still hasn't cried.  She said she wishes she could and doesn't know why she doesn't.

My guess is you will, right now you've got to be in shock.  It will come when you're ready.

You will be the best mom to your little girl, just as you are to your boys.  Your family will be right there with you.  I bet you are tired!  I can't imagine how vast is your heartache.  It would be easy to be cynical, but I haven't seen that in you.  You are a precious precious person and I hold you up in prayer.

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