Widowedbysuicide Posted September 12, 2018 Report Share Posted September 12, 2018 Katie you are doing the hardest things in the world, sadly it doesn't help to know that. You have had so much happening that would knock anyone down. One loss is enough to have to mourn and you have been dealing with multiple losses for so long now. Please be kind to yourself and don't expect to be fully functional. I think you are feeling so many things at once how could you not feel overwhelmed? I am sending prayers hoping for some relief for your anguished heart. ❤️🙏 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted September 13, 2018 Report Share Posted September 13, 2018 I don't know about wisdom Kay, sometimes if I had had wisdom I would not have done some of the things I had so much fun doing..........way back when. But you mentioned it came from years of experience and I guess I cannot deny that. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted September 14, 2018 Report Share Posted September 14, 2018 Marg ,I got tested back in January (failed big time)and got a new CPAP rig..........Its like night and day for me.....only cure is if I sleep sitting up, and that's not in the cards....I use smaller mask and drops of Ucyelliptus? oil in the humidifier....knocks you out... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted September 14, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2018 I’m truly aching right now. My heart hurts so much. I want my Allen. My tears are so endless. I’ve had to send the boys with my parents for the night because I’m so overwhelmed. This grief has a tight grip on me. I need some hugs and prayers. I know coming here I will get some. It hurts so bad. I miss my babies so much too. Why does it all have to hurt so deeply. It’s all so very raw. Do you ever cry so hard you feel like you just won’t survive? That’s where I’m at. And my Allen isn’t here to hold me. Oh how this hurts. 😢😢😢😢😢 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widow'15 Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 39 minutes ago, A&K said: I’m truly aching right now. My heart hurts so much. I want my Allen. My tears are so endless. Why does it all have to hurt so deeply. It’s all so very raw. Do you ever cry so hard you feel like you just won’t survive? That’s where I’m at. And my Allen isn’t here to hold me. Oh how this hurts. 😢😢😢😢😢 Katie: I wish I could give you answers. All I know is that your heart hurts so much because you loved your Allen and your babies so much. Yes, there are many days I cry so hard I don't want to survive. You are gifted with some precious babies who will be there to help get you through this sad, sad time as you gradually get stronger. Right now, let your tears flow whenever you have to. Have you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs and Love. Dee 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 Katie I am so sorry that grief is this hard. No one prepares us for this. You are grieving the loss of so many people and lost opportunities. The hardest part is doing all this grieving without the support of your Allen. He was here for you for the previous losses and that helped you to accept and adjust to things. Without his familiar arms around you giving you support and comfort you might be feeling lost. That is a natural reaction to losing your special person. I know that having Allen back is the thing you want most in this world, I am sorry that he isn't coming back. I'm glad you have the boys being cared for. You will not have to worry about them or worry that you aren't doing things for them. I hope you have someone there to help you. You deserve to have some extra time and caring for yourself. So much of your focus has been on the needs of others that you may have neglected yourself care more than you think. No one will ever take Allen's place in your heart but it is very important to allow yourself to feel ok. I hope seeing a therapist or doing a group thing is helpful for you. Honestly, I don't know how you are getting through everything every day. You are dealing with so much right now. I think you are incredible. ❤️ I'm praying for each day to have some little glimmers of hope. 🙏 And I hope eventually the glimmers will become bigger and last longer. Much respect to you Katie 🌹 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 Katie, Sending you love and warm hugs. I cried like that when my precious daughter died, even more so than with losing Ron. A piece of me was lost that I can never get back, but I have learned to live without that piece as I have learned to live without Ron. Life is not fair and although it doesn't feel like it right now, "time" is the only magic word that will ease the tears and pain. There is just no easy way to hurry grief or erase it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted September 15, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 Thank you through all these tears. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 From all of us to you, dear Katie ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 3 hours ago, A&K said: Do you ever cry so hard you feel like you just won’t survive? Katie-girl, at first I cried so hard I would lose my breath and after awhile I got a feeling I could just let go and not breathe period, it was not so hard, it did not hurt, but my granddaughter depended on me, so did my sister helping take care of my mother, so did my son and daughter and Billy's words "the one left must stay" brought me back from that feeling that I could just let go. I could not let go. It was not my time. You have so much depending on you. It is not going to be easy. Nothing worth it is ever easy. Your in my heart Katie. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 Sometimes alone time is the last thing we feel we need. But you have been thru so much, so fast, beaten relentlessly. I don’t have children but I’ve been one and seeing a parent in distress is hard/frightening. I totally get wanting Allen. We all do. Our protectors, our closest friend, the one we mean the.most to and they to us in the world. I hope your alone time will allow you to feel the pain freely. Cry, sob, scream, anything you need to do. Maybe you can exhaust yourself into some sleep. You ask if we’ve ever cried so hard we won’t survive. I know I have. Feeling trapped in a corner with no way out. I’ve cried so deeply it’s called keening, I can’t do anything but make primal sounds. I never knew that kind of emotional pain, wish I didn’t now. You are heard here if you need it. You have the total understanding of every soul in this horrid club. And girl that, I am sorry, for all of us. 💔 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted September 15, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 I’ve not sobbed like this yet since losing Allen. My therapist says it’s needed and cathartic. She gave me permission to let it out. She is my safe place right now. I trust her. And I trust all of you here. I feel safe here. So thank you again for the support. I wish I could hug each of you. Much love ❤️ 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 You do hug us, Katie. Every time you reach out. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polly Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 Katie, {{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}} Wish I could give you a real one but this will have to do. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 15, 2018 Report Share Posted September 15, 2018 Katie, I'm sorry it's hurting so bad. I'm glad you have your parents nearby to help with the kids. We're all sending you big (((HUGS))). 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted September 17, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2018 It’s hurting so bad. I am literally unable to care for my boys at the moment. I thank god for my parents. I’m barely hanging on. But I would never do what Allen did. I would never leave our sons. But this minute by minute fight is so tough. I thank god for my therapist and my group. I just have never suffered so much as I am right now. Really trying hard to stay ok. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 17, 2018 Report Share Posted September 17, 2018 We all know that you are struggling and fighting with everything you've got, dear Katie. I so wish we had more than words to give to you. I just want you to know that we are here, and we are listening . . . ❤️ 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted September 17, 2018 Report Share Posted September 17, 2018 Katie-girl, there is nothing anyone can say to take the weight of all your grief off of you. I wonder sometimes how an accident will take nine members of a family away and leave only one. I have lots of questions I will never have answers to any of them. I do not know why so much is put on one little woman's shoulders. I do know all you have lost and I know you have two others that are depending on you. Finding the strength to live is so hard for so many of us. I was coming off drugs (legal prescription) and cut a major artery and was put in the hospital on the psych ward. Medicine helped me for awhile but the thing that saved my life was getting cancer and really having to fight for my life. None of that helps you and some of you have no one at all to help you. My aggravation, my life, is my family that is left, but I am an old woman and you are such a young woman. We cannot help you with words but if you could meet your cheerleaders on this forum, you would know how much we care for you. One thing I will tell you. I am glad when I cut my wrists that they saved me to be this old woman I am now. My heart Katie-girl. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted September 17, 2018 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2018 All of your support melts my heart. In a good way. Thank you so much. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 Hugs to you Katie. I know you are courageous and strong. ❤️ 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widow'15 Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 3 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said: Hugs to you Katie. I know you are courageous and strong. ❤️ Marita: I so love this little encouragement message. Will try to copy and hang next to my mirror. Dee❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 Katie, I, too, love what Marita posted and hope you'll consider it from all of us! We are in your corner, rooting for you and I'm glad you affirm you would never leave your boys. It takes time for healing, you are doing the best you can and I, too, am so thankful for your parents. Having good support is so important to our journey! Sometimes just getting up and getting dressed and eating something (even if we don't remember it) is an accomplishment! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 On 9/14/2018 at 10:56 AM, kevin said: Marg ,I got tested back in January (failed big time)and got a new CPAP rig..........Its like night and day for me.....only cure is if I sleep sitting up, and that's not in the cards....I use smaller mask and drops of Ucyelliptus? oil in the humidifier....knocks you out... Lavender works well. I learned to just put a drop on my upper lip just under my nose. Saved me from having to clean the CPAP reservoir. I also use a couple of the triangle wedges for my head and feet. It looks like a custom posturepedic bed without the motors. CPAP saved my life. I have been using one for 15 years. Now the features on them are marvelous. - Shalom 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted September 18, 2018 Report Share Posted September 18, 2018 My father-in-law sounded like a sawmill. Billy never did, but my son, while he was on chemotherapy, if I could hear him snoring I always knew he was alive and we had a lot of close calls.. I am going to print out what y'all said. He is into the oils, etc. I have an oil diffuser and had the door closed with it on one night and was terribly congested the next day so I put it up in my kitchen closet. He has a raw nose sometimes and will have him try those oils. I bought him an air purifier because his apartment is not well vented. He has a new CPAP that just fits under his nose, I believe. He does have sleep apnea, so know at his age it is very important to use one. Thanks guys. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted September 19, 2018 Report Share Posted September 19, 2018 12 hours ago, Marg M said: My father-in-law sounded like a sawmill. Billy never did, but my son, while he was on chemotherapy, if I could hear him snoring I always knew he was alive and we had a lot of close calls.. I am going to print out what y'all said. He is into the oils, etc. I have an oil diffuser and had the door closed with it on one night and was terribly congested the next day so I put it up in my kitchen closet. He has a raw nose sometimes and will have him try those oils. I bought him an air purifier because his apartment is not well vented. He has a new CPAP that just fits under his nose, I believe. He does have sleep apnea, so know at his age it is very important to use one. Thanks guys. I also use peppermint oil when my sinus gets stuffy. Also good for alertness during the day. - Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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