My Allen

[A&K]

It’s 5am.  I don’t know if I’ve got the strength to do today.  Face everyone.  Speak.  Bury him.  CAleb is insistent on going.  I can’t deny him.  I have friends watching Ryan.  

I just don’t have the strength... 😞

[Margm]

“women
don't endure
simply because
we can;

no,

women endure
because we aren't
given any other
choice.

- they wanted us weak but forced us to be strong.” 
― Amanda Lovelace

Our Katie, and that is what you are, you are our Katie.  I am an elderly woman and I still have to be strong for my children that are probably older than you are, for my young lost granddaughter that has so much fear of the world.  And you dear Katie, you are left to be the only one with strength.  The people you depended on are gone and you still have a youngster that cannot understand all this terror that you are left to handle.  Katie, I do not know how close you are to  your parents and siblings, but this is the time for you to allow them to help give you strength.  I cannot give advice, I do not even know you, Butch, or Allen.  Only on computer screens.  You have life all around you and you have total despair also.  But, in this time of sorrow, all you have left is your strength for your children and the wee one that is coming.  I know you are tired, afraid, so please allow your family to help give you rest and strength, because strength has to be enough.  

You have got to know we all wish we could help in some way.  In the absence of answers as to why, it has to be because you are strong.  Even if you do not want to be.  And, as an old woman, I cannot imagine the strength on your young shoulders.  

 

[scba]

Dear Kate, I follow on Marg's words. Whoever is around you, allow them to help you and be there for you. You have nothing more to show to anyone beyond your children, not in a funeral. 

We cannot be phisically with you at the service, but this virtual group will join you with thoughts and prayers.

 

 

 

[MartyT]

We are thinking of you and lifting you in prayer today, dear Katie, and you are in our hearts. ❤️

[kayc]

Katie,

I don't know what time the service is, but know I'm praying for you.  I think it's good that Caleb is going, he understands more about death than most children and I hope it helps him somehow.  You're in my thoughts...

[A&K]

Thank you all for your heartwarming thoughts.  They mean more to you than you know.  

I am in the hospital.  I passed out during the burial.  I got out the word Mom who was next to me before I fainted and she caught me. My OB says I’m exhausted and dehydrated.  Which isn’t good for the baby but she’s doing well.  So I’m receiving large amounts of Iv fluids.  Dinner came but I’m not hungry.  I can’t believe my Allen is gone.  Our son can’t believe it.  And our other son is too young to have memories of his daddy.  I just can’t believe he’s gone. Today’s service was a punch in the gut.  Caleb is with my parents and Ryan is with my good friend.  The dr gave me something to relax which isn’t much helping.  I get another dose at 9.  So hopefully I will be able to sleep.  My heart aches.  

 

[kayc]

We're all surrounding you with our love and prayers, I hope you can feel our arms around you, Katie.

Anne had her eye surgery yesterday so may not be able to read just yet.  I'm relieved they have you on IV since you aren't eating, I hope it has some nutrition in it, not just water.

This has been quite a blow, it's going to take time for it to sink in, a good long while.  Be patient with yourself, we love you!

[Polly]

praying for you Katie!!!!! 

[MartyT]

❤️

[A&K]

I’m still in the hospital at least another night.  They are trying to get dehydration and electrolytes ironed out.  The baby is still doing well.  

Caleb came to visit me.  He crawled in my bed to snuggle.  I’m so worried about him. I’m worried about me.  If I’m having this agony trying to accept reality then it’s got to be ten times worse for Caleb.  Why Allen took his own life is beyond me.  Leaving his kids and our daughter he was so excited to come in December.  

The nurse just came in and wants me to rest.  Easy for her to say...

[MartyT]

Yes, Katie ~ easier said than done ~ but rest you must. And remember this: Just breathe . . .

Sending love and healing thoughts to you and your little ones ❤️

[kayc]

Katie, I don't think there's any understanding the "why", I guess we can't feel what he was feeling and nothing about this makes sense to any of us.  Suicide seems to be all about not handling pain.  I hope you try to rest while you're there, it's challenging to when you have a baby to take care of and you'll be home soon enough.  

@MartyT wasn't there a book to read to children to help them understand about death/grief?  It seems I remember something about it a few years ago but I don't know what it was called.  On Amazon?

Rest, dear Katie, all of these thoughts will wait...we're here with you.  Dear God, please comfort this sweet soul, help her through her day and night.

 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

@MartyT wasn't there a book to read to children to help them understand about death/grief?  It seems I remember something about it a few years ago but I don't know what it was called.  On Amazon?

Yes, Kay, lots of them. See Using Children's Books to Help with Grief ♥

[kayc]

Thanks!  Katie, you might want to look at this link when you have time.

[Margm]

One that even helped me was "Waterbugs and Dragonflies" by Doris Stickney, and Marty told me how to fix it where you can go to it, but I wrote it down where I would remember it and have moved that notebook somewhere else.  The story is online also.

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

The story is online also.

See Waterbugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney

The book is available on Amazon, here: Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Children

One of my personal favorites, and one I've shared with my grandchildren, is The Invisible String by Patrice Karst  

I also am especially fond of this one: Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children

♥

[scba]

Companion through the darkness

"In 1988, when she was pregnant with their first child, her husband, Jim, died suddenly of a heart attack. From the private journals she kept after he died, she wrote Companion Through The Darkness, Inner Dialogues on Grief which became an instant classic on grief".

 

 

[A&K]

Thank you all.  I’m having my Mom get a couple books for me.  

I’m home from the hospital on bedrest.  Ryan is sick with a ear infection Ect.  So he won’t do anything but snuggle with me on the sofa with Caleb at my feet.  

Tomorrow is a week.  Life seems distant.  It feels like the world is happening and I’m stuck in a nightmare.  I know I don’t make sense.  

I have my best friend staying with me.  

[Margm]

Yes, you make too much sense and am so sorry you have to.  Books helped me some, but it took awhile to be able to focus.  I think you will be kept busy, and that might be good.  I know nothing seems good and it is hard to be strong.  Nothing seems fair right now, and probably never will.  You have three reasons to be strong, and it will be hard and seems so unfair, but we women are actually able to do more than expected, even if we don't want to.  Please know there are a bunch of people praying for you, and a lot of people giving you virtual strength.  

Those are just words, but words and prayers are all I have.  Please keep your family close, your friends close too, because you have got to take care of Katie to be able to take care of others.  You really cannot go but one day at a time, maybe half a day.  Our hearts are with you, and I know that does not help either.  

[kayc]

Thank you, Marty, I've saved those links for future reference.

There is also a list of books here, but like Marg said, it might take a while before you can focus. 

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/?tab=comments#comment-33568

I particularly liked A Grief Observed (CS Lewis).

 

[A&K]

Thanks.  

Today is hard.  It’s been a week.  Caleb had an angry day.  I know he’s hurting and has had more suffering and grief in his life than any person should have to endure.  He requested to go stay with my parents... his Mimi and Papa... so I let him.  They are so good with him.  

My heart hurts so deeply yet I’ve yet to shed a tear.  Like something is wrong with me or Allen didn’t mean anything.  My heart cries.  I didn’t go through this with the loss is Lily and Lila or Noah and Gracie.  I cried so much all the time.  😞

if I didn’t have the boys and this baby girl waiting to be born I’d have little to go on for.  That hurts.  I know I have to stay.  But part of me just doesn’t have strength.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not going to hurt myself.  There’s been enough of that.  💔

[Widowedbysuicide]

Katie I am so very, very sorry.  I wish I could help you and your family.  I know that having Allen back would be the one thing that would fix things and I'm more than sorry that I can't bring him back for all of you.

My husband's suicide was a complete shock to me as he was due to retire later that month.  I understand the 'why' questions but sadly I have no answers.  My heart is breaking for you and the children.  You have been through so much.  I can offer you my heartfelt condolences and an ear anytime you need one.  You can message me on here and I can give you my email if you want.

I'm so glad you have family and friends that can help hold you up.  🙏

Marita

[MartyT]

Katie, my dear, please don't measure your pain by the amount of tears you can cry, or not. You are still in a state of shock. Tears will come when you are ready to cry. For now, just let yourself be where you are, and remember to breathe . . . ❤️

[A&K]

5 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

You can message me on here and I can give you my email if you want.

Marita thank you.  I will pray definitely contact you.  

Marty breathing is how I’m getting by. It’s hard.  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, A&K said:

My heart hurts so deeply yet I’ve yet to shed a tear.  Like something is wrong with me or Allen didn’t mean anything.  My heart cries.

You said it best when you said your heart cries.  Tears are not a measure of our love or our grief.  Hormones can affect tears, so can shock.  And maybe your heart is crying so hard it doesn't feel tears would begin to express your pain.  Regardless of why you aren't crying, they aren't a measure of how much Allen meant to you and still does.  We know you love him and we know you are hurting.  Nothing is wrong with you, you are such an amazing person with way too much grief on such a young person's shoulders!