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Thank you all.  I have a sense of peace because Riley Grace was Allen’s final gift to me and she was absolutely perfect.  I do feel blessed.  Yes hurt but indeed blessed.  The hospital is doing casts of her tiny hands and feet.  

Im going to be in the hospital a few more days as my bp is unstable and I need another blood transfusion tomorrow.  

I had time to spend with Caleb and Riley.  I warned him and explained what happened and for a ten year old he understands a lot.  

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Katie,

You are indeed a wonderful mom.  You took the time to warn and explain to Caleb, this has to be tremendously hard for you and yet you're thinking of your children.  I'm glad you got some time with them and I pray your BP stabilizes.  I am so sorry for your loss, I was hoping she'd make it longer but as you said, it was Allen's final gift and now she's in his care.  Sending you much hugs and love.

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I miss my Allen.  I wish none of the last five weeks had happened.  The dr has told me that there is no explanation why baby girl died in the uterus.  Like I said I’m blessed for the little while I held her.  I’m blessed God made me her momma.  I’m blessed I carried her for as long as I did.  And I’m blessed she’s in her daddy’s arms. I just need my love.  I ache for him.  I’m trying hard to hang on.  

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I`m very sorry for your loss Katie. I can only imagine your pain as mamma, but I understand, we all do, that you miss your husband very much with all your being.

Allen watchs over your children until the day they will be reunited with their mother to be together for eternity, when there is no time and no ending. 

 

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Hi. I’m still in the hospital.  My bp keeps spiking too high so they aren’t letting me go yet.  

I’m a total emotional wreck.  I can’t stop crying.  My therapist came in to see me.  I just really need my husband.  I need him to hold me and tell me it’s going to me ok.  No one else can do it.  😢💔

i keep praying for peace and comfort.  But little comes.  The hospital gave the following to me of our Riley Grace. 

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Katie that is a lovely tribute to your darling Riley Grace. ❤️

I hope you will get your blood pressure stabilized soon.  With all of the issues going on in your body from the medications and delivering your girl everything is out of whack.  I'm sure your emotions are affected by it all too.  Rest and recuperate 🙏.

I can understand you wanting Allen to help you through this terrible time.  I'm sorry that he can't really be here to hold you and offer comfort and love but I believe he is there with you in spirit.  If you want to believe he is with you it might bring you some relief.  I haven't had as much tragedy as you have in the last five weeks.  When I do have to go through the really tough times I find that it helps me to think of my husband being at my side.  I think of the things he would say and how he would be able to reassure me that things would be ok.  If I focus on his words and how I would feel it does make me feel less detached.  It is ok to feel angry that Allen isn't with you at the same time as you are loving him and wishing desperately that he could be here.  Our emotions are very strong at the really hard times.  I know much of everything is happening at once and I wish it wasn't so.  You have an incredible strength and are such a great Mom.  You can do this.  It isn't easy or very pleasant but right now all you have to do it keep breathing.  If you want or need to cry don't apologize for it.  You have been through hell and back so many times in the past couple of years: put yourself first for a little while and just take things moment by moment.

❤️🙏

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Katie,

That is so beautiful, I'm glad they gave you that.

Marita is right, it may take a while for your blood pressure to stabilize with all you have going on.  I'm glad your therapist came by to see you.  I know you want Allen, I think like Marita says, he is with you...a lot of times when I'm really needing George, I think about him being here with me, it helps.  Their spirits comes to us, but they don't have physical body to give them words, not yet, the Bible says we'll get a new body, I look forward to that and getting that hug again!  Marita is also right, you've taken care of everyone else, now it's time to take care of you.  Have you gotten to see your boys?

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Thank you so much for your support and words.  

Its almost 3am and I’m having such a hard time.  I try to shut my eyes and imagine Allen here with me but all I see if when I found him dead.  A horrible image.  Right now I want to crawl in a hole and disappear.  I want to be with him.  But I know it’s not my time.  My time is with our boys.  Caleb started school and likes it.  Ryan is babbling new words and running everywhere.  Dada is still his favorite word.   I’m sure he looks for him.  

My heart hurts very much.  Sometimes it feels like I’m on the outside looking in on someone else’s nightmare.  And other times I can’t get away from the immense pain.  Life is going on with out him and I try to figure out why he left.  I wish I could have taken his pain away.  I knew he was hurting but I don’t know where it went so wrong to go from hurting to seeing no way out.  Did he think I didn’t love him anymore?  Was the guilt from his infidelity just too much?  I told him I forgive him.  

Im jealous he has our angels to hold now and I don’t.  But I have Caleb and Ryan.  They are my reason for going on.  

I wish this didn’t hurt so horribly much.  😢

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Hello Katie.

You are expressing many of the same thoughts as I did after my Gord died.  I think life would be so much easier if we had instruction manuals.  But then many of the joys would be removed and we would be like robots. 

When we lose someone to suicide we are so unprepared.  Finding Allen and having that image so horribly fresh in your eyes and heart is one part of the journey that needs to be addressed by a good therapist.  The guided imagery is very powerful and I found it very helpful.  

Allen has not been gone long but I know how the concept of time is crazy mixed up.  It can seem like he has been gone forever or just minutes ago.  I'm sorry that it has to be so hard.  ❤️🙏

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EFT is effective when done right.  I have also found flower essences to be helpful for the emotional "gunk."  I don't mid if others think these two methods are bunkum or weird.  :)  They worked for me, or at least took the edge off the sharpness so I could function. 

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I've heard lavender is calming...I'd use it too except I can't stand the smell.  It's not bunk, or if it is, there's a whole lot of us that believe in bunk because it does work!

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I used several of the therapeutic grade essential oils.  NO, I  do not sell them, but find them effective for me for several things.  My sister's COPD was healed using these oils when the Dr. told her that once you have it you will have it for life.  I find that some work for me and others don't/

I use ROSE essential oil to help life my mood and melancholy.  Peppermint is great for mental clarity alertness, and opening up the sinuses. I use a four thieves,Four Knives(Amazon) for prevention of colds flues, and protects you from other peoples germs. I apply to my hands and under nostril and last for hours. If your interested, here is a link that I learned about them.  Most of the oil I buy from Amazon.  Learn about Therapeutic Grade oils as they are the cleanest and most pure form.  http://hopewelloils.com/education.php

Shalom

 

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A clarification: flower essences and essential oils are different things.  Never put undiluted/pure essential oils directly on the skin, only diluted with a carrier oil, or in an aromatherapy device.  Flower essences have no such cautions.  🌺

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Tomorrow is six weeks since my Allen choose to end his life.  Why am I still so numb yet in so much pain...

I’m home finally.  It was so difficult to come home without our baby girl.  But I have our boys.  

Im just so overwhelmed... 😢

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Katie,

I'm glad you're home with your boys.  Give that wonderful friend of yours a big hug and many thanks from all of us.  Try to stay in the moment, with your boys...

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Katie,

What's your grief emails me every week with a different grief topic, this week it's on grieving a suicide death, I thought you might want to look at it.  It even has a part that tells about talking to kids about it.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/

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Thank you to those reaching out to me.  I’m struggling quite a bit.  Just trying to be a mommy to Caleb and Ryan and make it through each day is difficult.  I don’t know if I’m doing a good job.  Since Allen’s suicide things remain very surreal.  There are times I don’t think I will survive.  That’s when I thank god for my boys.  They keep me breathing.  For them I am blessed.  

 

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