My Allen

[MartyT]

[Margm]

Katie-girl, I can in no way compare my grief to yours.  You are so young to have had so much happen.  I can tell you this.  I have so much family that I had the nerve to gripe about it.  Now, I realize that any persistent need for my attention is actually that much time I cannot take for myself.  Now, don't get me wrong, we all need time for our grief, we all need our private time, and it might only be after your two little men go to sleep, then you have time for yourself.  Sometimes I don't want time for myself because that is when I "think" and when I think, I grieve.  I realize that is healthy, maybe not feeling healthy, but possibly necessary.  

I put my Billy-time in the sky, among the clouds, with the moon, when it is out.  I stand on my steps of the apartment building and talk to Billy in the moon.  Today, we have the remnants of some hurricane off the coast sending serious clouds up to us.  Two gray white clouds were blowing against each other and of course I cried.  We keep me paper towels everywhere I go because my eyes leak tears very often.  Happy things, sad things, icky things, anything.  My heart is with you my Katie-girl.  Those two boys are gonna take a lot of attention.  That is good.

[A&K]

Thank you

I fear the time when the boys are asleep because I am afraid to cry.  My therapist tells me it’s ok and safe to cry.  But it scares me for some reason.  I might lose too much hope.  My “safe place” is when I talk to my therapist and am in her office.  At least I have that.  

[Margm]

Katie-girl, I cannot say you can shut the tears off like a faucet, you can't.  I won't say you will feel better.  You won't.  But don't fear them.  You have faced down your fears.  Your my hero.  

[A&K]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Your my hero. 

Aww. Thank you that means a lot.  ❤️

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I thought I was the only one who progressed from Kleenex to paper towels.  Problem is getting the tears out now.  They are in there but they won’t come.  It’s quite frustrating.   I look around me and see all the changes from his leaving to the changed in me in almost 4 years and it still seems so surreal.  What’s worse is is wondering if he existed at all even the the evidence is everywhere.  I don’t want him to slip away from my heart.  I don’t get signs or whacky things happening like others.  I just feel......he’s gone and I am so aware of that.  There is nothing I do anymore that involves him.  In fact it is the opposite.  I don’t know what is to share living with the perfect person for me.  I thought.we would have at least another decade to walk towards old hand in hand.  Now i walk that road alone. 

[Margm]

Gwen, I know nothing about oxygen tanks, etc.  My son has to wear a CPAP at night for sleep apnea.  I know he has had to have a lot of adjustments and it has been hard to get used to.  They had a mask like an oxygen mask on him at first.  Now, this new one is smaller and does not fit like a mask.  So, what I am fixing to say does not come from someone who really knows much about these things.  A woman was beside me in Walmart and she had a small package that looked like a purse sitting where the child seat was in the basket and pushing it around the store at a faster pace than I can.  I would not have known it was oxygen except for the tube, which was hardly noticeable.  I would wish you eventually could have one like this, if it is something that has to be.  

My dear Gwen, I have a roll of towel paper in my car, one by my bed, one by my chair in front of the TV.  I take one to the movies with me.  I'm not questioned.  I like Viva, they are soft.  I also have rolled up thrown away pieces everywhere.  Honestly, I can cry at any time, usually do too.  And Billy, damn I miss him so much, but I talk to him so much that he almost feels like he is with me.  He just does not talk back to me.  I feel he listens from somewhere though.  I get rather angry at him sometimes for leaving me, I know he would have handled it much better than I do, and I know he loved me enough to take my place, but he just would not listen to me when I said he could not go.  

My heart is with you Gwen and I sure wish you had people all around you to help you.  There is a show on Netflix that surprisingly I loved.  A lot of people did so when it was canceled, they had to bring back us a couple of hours movie to finish it up.  "Sense8"  It is a Netflix original.  Some people might not can handle it.  A lot of it is X-rated and hard to  understand if you don't pay attention.  These eight people could be where any one of the eight needed help.  And that part of the science fiction is the only part I wish was possible cause I know you would have help at all times. I would not advise the series to everyone.  It really is more X-rated.  

Anyhow, wish we could be there for you.  You are in my thoughts a lot.  

[Gwenivere]

Exactly as I feel.   I know Steve would have handled this better.  The wrong one of us died that day.  

My heart goes out to you too Marg. 💖

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

but he just would not listen to me when I said he could not go.

When George was having that final heart attack and I realized I was going to lose him, I hollered "Hold on, George!" at him, twice, both times he shook his head no, the pain was too great and I think he knew it was his time.  I still needed him here with me.

Katie, you have your boys for incentive to keep going...I have my dog and my cat although I'm not sure how much the cat contributes, but I am growing more fond of her this last year.  I could not leave them.  I fear being without something/someone to take care of...

Maybe you are afraid if you start crying you will never stop?  Tears are like a release valve on a pressure cooker though, it is a release to let some of that out.

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, kayc said:

 Tears are like a release valve on a pressure cooker though, it is a release to let some of that out.

Kayc:  Labor Day evening I noticed my beloved dog's urine seemed awfully dark, and noticed there was a glob of blood.  First thing, next morning the Vet prescribed antibiotics.  After two days, Miss Maddie would not cooperate w/pill taking - no pill pockets, nothing would work.  She would let me think she had swallowed them, then I'd hear a plop on the floor.  Next day brought her back in for an injection that will replace the pills.  Next, my computer is beginning to react like it might quit and I am totally dependent on my laptop for everything nowadays.  Throw in a couple of doctor appointments for myself and the ever-gnawing feeling that my Maddie's issue could be more than an UTI on my aging fur baby I had no idea how I would do this on my own.  When I got into the shower yesterday, I found myself bawling like a baby.  Out of the shower, I felt okay -  I can do this.  It was a huge release.  I decided I would replace this particular Friday as my "Cryday".  May not work for all, but it got me through the rest of the day.  Dee

[kayc]

Dee,

I've had a really rough week...but then maybe it's really just a really rough life...it seems like things are always hitting and I'm in survival mode all too much...I can relate to the week you've been having.  I've learned to tackle what I can but haven't quite got the rest of the serenity prayer down...it makes sense on paper, just difficult to apply.  

Maybe you could take your computer to a geek at Best Buy or somewhere, have them transfer everything onto a new laptop for you?  I know all too well how very dependent we are on them.  My PC is about twelve years old, I'm amazed it's still going.  I think I had a processor put into it about ten years ago and I've changed the operating system a couple of times, but it just keeps on going...I do back everything up onto a laptop though because I know I'm on borrowed time.  Maybe because of my age, I don't trust the cloud.  

The bigger worry is your dog...I relate to that as well.  I have a  10 1/2 year old 110 lb. dog with medical issues.  If he needed surgery I have no one to help me...I worry about how I would get him home and take care of him by myself when I can't lift him and his middle name is uncooperative.

Alas these seem the byproducts of our loss.  We've lost the one person in the world who would have seen us through everything.

I pray your dog gets well.  Have you tried a mortar and pestle for grinding her pills and mixing them in some food?  You'd have to check with the vet if it's okay and some pills can be ground and some need to reach the stomach intact.  I'm glad they could give her a shot!

 

[widow'15]

20 hours ago, kayc said:

I pray your dog gets well.  Have you tried a mortar and pestle for grinding her pills and mixing them in some food?  You'd have to check with the vet if it's okay and some pills can be ground and some need to reach the stomach intact.  I'm glad they could give her a shot!

 

Thanks Kayc for your concern and suggestion on the pills for my Maddie.  I had asked the Vet if I couldn't crush pills and put it in her food, but they said since the pills taste too bitter she might not get all the food and medication into her.  I will have them make a note in her records that pills will not be an option anymore, since my poor memory continues to fail me.  Maddie weighs 71 lbs. and I can't lift her into my car, so I pray she continues to hop up on her own.  If not, I am not afraid to ask some younger stronger neighbor.

Dee

 

[KarenK]

Dee,

Marley takes 4 pills for her Lupus. My son rolls them up in a piece of American cheese and makes a cheese ball. So far, so good. But I go through packages of cheese like crazy.  lol

[brat#2]

Dee, our vet suggested putting the pills in peanut butter on a spoon for both our dogs and cat and it would work like a charm.  They seem to love the peanut butter and couldn't wait until the next dose was due.  Just a suggestion.  Good luck!

 

[kayc]

My dog is too smart, he'd eat the peanut butter or cheese and spit out the pill.  I have to put his pills in the back of his throat and quickly follow with a treat...the treat helps him momentarily forget about the pill I shoved back there and by the time he's devoured the treat, the pill's down with it.  It seems we always have to be one step ahead of them!

[Gwenivere]

I’m fortunate. But my furry kids love PB so much, you could put anything in there and it’s gone.  I’ve even put just a abou my finger smaller than the pill an it’s gone.  A capsule would be a challenge, but I do believe even PB. could solve that in a sufficient amount.  Good thing dogs don’t thoroughly chew food, yet will spend lots of time time destuffing and chewing on chew toys.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thinking of you dear Katie. 

Today was suicide awareness day and for me it triggers the rawness of those first days after my husband died.  Sadly, it also brought you to mind because of your Allen and Butch. 

At first I was very embarrassed/conflicted about telling people that my husband murdered himself.  Now I speak about it without embarrassment because it was what happened because he did not seek help.  I no longer feel conflicted because if anything I can say can prevent even one suicide I will feel that I am helping raise awareness and that Gord's death has some meaning.

He will always be my knight in coveralls ❤️

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Dee, our vet suggested putting the pills in peanut butter on a spoon for both our dogs and cat and it would work like a charm.  They seem to love the peanut butter and couldn't wait until the next dose was due.  Just a suggestion.  Good luck!

 

If ever have to approach pill giving again with Maddie, I will try to remember the peanut butter trick.  I did try the pill pockets which are sort of like a treat and she'd manage to consume the pill pocket and drop the pill.  It didn't help that the pills were really large and had to be broken in half.  So not just one dose at a time, it had to be three doses at a time.  I justified the extra expense of the shot as a gift to me and not having to stress her.  She is such a love, I hated that look in her eyes when she knew it was pill time.

[kayc]

Marita,

I'm so proud of you! I got some info on suicide yesterday but when I had time to read it, it was gone, not sure what happened to it.  I'm glad you're taking the approach you are, you are so right, to prevent even one suicide would be wonderful!  On my other site yesterday was someone feeling suicidal because of grief, it takes a lot of thought to respond to such a post, I just want everyone to see it out and not consider doing that, I know it's hard in the beginning...heck it's hard along the way even years later but we can do this, together, I AM doing it!  The problem is when there are people contemplating suicide and don't tell us, it's so important to get the word out that we need to talk about our thoughts and feelings to someone, that there's no shame in our feelings, we all have our down places, we just don't want to carry it by ourselves and feel it's insurmountable.  God bless you for what you're doing.

Katie, 

Wondering how you are, it's been a while since we've heard from you and here we've taken over your thread talking about other stuff, sorry!  Let us know how the kids are doing too, okay?  Is your friend still with you some of the time?

[MartyT]

Katie, dear heart, we know that today is one of those heartbreaking milestones for you: one year since your beloved Gracie died. Thanks to your dear Butch, we felt as if Gracie belonged to all of us ~ and even though you wish with all your heart that she would still be here with you, I hope it brings you comfort to know that she is safe in the loving arms of her grandpa and her daddy. We're all thinking of you and sending wishes for peace and healing to your broken heart ~ especially on a day as hard as this one. ❤️

[scba]

Katie, we are holding you and Gracie`s soul in our hearts and prayers.

[A&K]

I’m struggling.  Just surviving minute to minute.  Thank you for thinking of me and our Gracie girl.  The only solace is that she’s with her Grammy Grampy and Daddy and siblings.  It’s not my time yet.  My job here isn’t done.  So I will carry on.  I will do my best.  

Caleb likes the fifth grade.  And he’s with his friends.  Ryan is in a mommy only stage.  It’s wearing on me as he won’t let anyone else to step in.  

[Margm]

12 hours ago, A&K said:

Caleb likes the fifth grade.

Sounds like your beginning a "win-win" situation and being involved in Caleb's school and Ryan's growing up, watching all life around you gives you something to take your mind off of all the other things.  Sometimes you will just want time for yourself and sometimes I found time for myself was not really a good thing, although that is what we are supposed to do.  Sometimes our greatest aggravations are the things that help save us.  You still have all our prayers and Katie-girl, you have my heart.  

[kayc]

Katie,

I've been thinking of you...haven't been able to get on line until now...Microsoft did some security updates that screwed up my computer, couldn't get on internet, super slow, time off, etc.  Had to do a system restore.  Finally back on.  But I just wanted you to know you're in my heart, even when I can't reach you.  

Ryan has been through a lot too, he'll settle down in a while.  Right now just hold him and don't worry about what's not getting done.  I wonder if you could use a baby pack to carry him in?

I'm so glad Caleb likes school and has friends!  And you're right, Gracie isn't alone, and someday we'll all be done with our work here, right now you are very needed where you are.  Love you!

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Sometimes our greatest aggravations are the things that help save us.

Truer words were never spoken!  Sometimes you astound me with your wisdom, Marg!  Guess it comes from years of experience!