My Allen

[kayc]

Oh Katie, your anniversary, my thoughts are with you today.  I'm glad you have such a good friend and I pray you'll get some sleep.  Everything you said, Marty was right on...you are not crazy, not at all, it's your circumstances that are.  You are feeling and responding as we would, I can't even imagine.  I've lost a husband, I've had miscarriages, but I haven't gone through anywhere near the level of loss you have and haven't lost my husband to suicide.  That adds a whole other layer to loss.  You're uppermost in my thoughts, with my sister and my daughter, my heart feels heavy.

 

[A&K]

I think I just got a sign from my Allen.  Jenn (my friend) brought Ryan back.  And he saw Caleb and said “eb eb” and pointed to him.  I asked him you love your big brother Caleb and he said again “eb”.  I was so happy.  Caleb is so happy.   Maybe it’s a sign from Allen.  Who knows.  I love my boys.  I’m still hurting so badly and so tired but I’ve got to go on for my babes.  

 

[MartyT]

Take it and celebrate it, Katie. Let it be a sign from your Allen. Believe it. You deserve every ounce of happiness you can find. Who is to say otherwise?

[A&K]

It’s been 12 days since my Allen ended his life.  It feels like an absolute eternity.  I just can’t rid of the horrible ache inside.  I’m trying to keep his love within me but this pain is so overpowering.  I look at our boys and see him.  But I look at them and sadly see so many plans gone in one devastating moment in time.  😰

[kayc]

It's amazing how 12 days can feel an eternity but I know that it does.  Earlier in my grief it felt like it happened both yesterday and forever ago at the same time.  Now it just feels like forever aqo.

I'm glad you want to continue for your kids, they need you!  We're here with you Katie.

[A&K]

😪 It’s been two weeks since my Allen took his life.  We were together since age five in kindergarten.  That’s twenty five years.  I never imagined he would end it all and leave me and our kids.  He was the strong one.  What’s hurting me right now today is how this has and will effect the boys.  And how on earth will I find the strength to give birth to our baby girl in Dec.  without him beside me.  Without him holding her after she’s born.  And what I will tell her where her daddy is.  It’s so unfair to her as well as the boys.  I’m not in pain as much for me but in pain and sad and angry for our children.  They don’t have a voice.  I have to have one for them.  They don’t have a way to express this immense loss and injustice.  I have to fight for them.  I guess that is what keeps me alive.  

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, A&K said:

I have to fight for them.  I guess that is what keeps me alive.  

Yes, Katie. If that is your only reason for living right now, then let it be enough . . . ❤️

[Widowedbysuicide]

🙏 for you on this difficult day.  I understand how you are concerned for your children.  Mine was 29 at the time of his Dad's suicide and it worried me sleepless for many nights.

[A&K]

I feel so alone.  My entire body hurts.  I’m praying I’m not coming down with something.  It scares me to be sick while pregnant.  I want my Allen to be here.  He’d do his best to make things better.  He was my rock.  The boys are asleep and my eyes ache from crying.  

I feel so alone. 😔

[KarenK]

Katie, we are all here wrapping our arms around you, holding you close in our hearts. You are not alone, although even if you were in a crowd of people, I know you would feel alone. Learning to live without your soulmate is a slow process. Ron and I were together for 41 years and my daughter was 50 when she left. I was completely lost, confused and felt like I was alone on another planet. It takes months and for some of us years to get past this feeling. You never get "over it". You just somehow get "through it". Allen and your babies are in your heart and they will be for all time. I know there is really nothing I can say that will make this tolerable right now, but please know that I understand.

Is there anyone who could come and stay for a few days just to "be" there?

[A&K]

26 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Is there anyone who could come and stay for a few days just to "be" there?

Yes Karen I actually have a friend staying here with her son.  She’s been a tremendous help these two weeks with the kids.  

[kayc]

Katie, praying you aren't sick!  I'm glad your friend is still there, what a wonderful friend!  How's little Ryan doing?  And Caleb?

[A&K]

Should I feel selfish?   Should I be able to find words?   I try reading others posts.  But I can’t find words to say like people have for me.  I feel selfish because of this. Maybe I shouldn’t belong here.  I apologize.  I send hugs and love to all.  That’s the best I can do.  

[enna]

Dear Katie,

You need not have any words for those of us here. It is alright for you to 'feel' selfish as long as you know you are not selfish.  Right now you only have to take care of yourself and the boys and the little one you are carrying. That is enough. I remember when I first came to this forum I had the same cry about not having words for others. One of the forum members told me that we'll carry you now and later when you are able you will be here for others. I remembered that to this day. 

You are here because you know that we hear you and care for you. Many of us do not have words to comfort you but we are here and we are listening. 

Your love and hugs are appreciated and we send them right back to you. ❤️

Anne

[Widowedbysuicide]

Katie you don't need to worry about all that.  Right now you are in survival mode and that is enough.

There are times when you just have to live one breath at a time.  I like to ask this question: what would you say to your best friend if he/she was saying what you have written?  I bet you would be gentle and kind to them.  Queens what.... that's just what you need for you.  Be your best friend to you.

I think it is easy to comment on things once they have become more the 'new normal'.  Give yourself plenty of time, patience and love.

❤️🙏🏾 I'm here for you.

[A&K]

Thank you.  I won’t feel so crazy then.  

[kayc]

Katie,

I agree with what has been said here, no need to feel selfish at all!  You're fresh in this and couldn't be expected to help others, you have your hands full right now.  (((hugs)))

[MartyT]

Katie, my dear, here are two webinars that made me think of you and Caleb. The first one costs $10 and hasn't happened yet, but the second one is available now at no cost.

I share this information with you only if you might be interested ~ and even as I recognize that you may not be able to take in any relevant or useful information at this time. Please know that you are under NO obligation whatsoever to listen to either of these. (Another alternative is to register now and listen to a recording later, if and when you feel ready to do so.)

1. Webinar: Going Back to School after a Death: August 20 via What's Your Grief? 
$10.00
This session will take place online on August 20th from 7:00 pm – 8:30 pm EST. 
Registrants who cannot attend the live event will have access to a recording of the webinar.
Description: It’s common for parents and children to be apprehensive about heading back to school after experiencing the death of a loved one.  Though having a schedule and structure that involves interactions with friends, teachers and school counselors can be helpful, managing the transition can be worrisome and stressful.  In this webinar, we’ll discuss challenges and considerations related to going back to school after a loss and we’ll offer parents and caregivers suggestions for supporting their children as they ease into a new school year.
Session Details:
Date and Time: Monday, August 20th, 2018   7:00 pm – 8:30 pm EST
Register here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/product/webinar-going-back-to-school-after-a-death/
[All registrants will receive access to a recording of the webinar following the event]

2. Webinar, Understanding Children's Grief, with Vicki Jay and Bob Arrington via TAPS Institute for Hope and Healing
Archived Webinar and Slides
View Understanding Children's Grief webinar

View Understanding Children's Grief webinar slides

 The viewing link and slides are also available on the TAPS Institute webpage, https://www.taps.org/webinar/2018/childgrief.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Just wanted to say hi to you Katie. ❤️

[A&K]

Thank you.  Hi Marita ♥️

I’m struggling as both kiddos have the tummy flu.  But I’ve got my friend here.  

Marty I will look at info when able.  I thank you for posting it.  

[Rahn]

Katie I am sorry for your loss. What you are going through seems so unimaginable to me. It has been 34 days since i lost my wife and we were together for 25 years. I have only had one day in the last 34 that i did not cry uncontrollably. 94 if i count the 2 months she was in the hospital. I am writing this to you for two reasons. 

The first is to express my most heart felt condolences. I feel the pain, emptiness, and disbelief that Wanda is gone everyday. Everyone else can tell you about it getting better but I am still in alot of pain. I pray yours will be tolerable soon.

The second reason is I have battled depression for years before my wife got sick. I was seeing a doctor and on meds when we found out her cancer was back and it was everywhere. I almost did not survive it. Had it not been for the people at the suicide hotline, my brother, my mother, and my wife herself from her hospital bed i would not be here. It was the thought of the pain that was the hardest thing for me. I did not want to live through the pain. I was not thinking about the pain it would cause my kids. I was thinking about my pain and the depression made it so much worse. Depression is worse than any physical pain i have had. In the moment it seems like everything. My pain was just about my wife was going to die. It sounds like your husband had so much more pain going on. I can't imagine. I am not making excuses or anything like that. I just wanted to convey my experience to you. It comes down to that last second that changes everything. There may have been nothing you could have done even if you knew how bad he was feeling.

I am sorry that he went through with it. Sorry about the wreckage that a personal decisions sometimes leaves in its wake.

I hope you and your kids will be ok someday.

Ron

[Widowedbysuicide]

@RahnVery nicely said.  

I hope you too will be ok someday Ron.  I have been on the train ride of depression and anxiety for more than half my 61 years.  

Sorry for your recent loss as well.  I remember how desperate feeling those first month's were.

[kayc]

Katie, so sorry to hear your kids are sick.    You've been on my mind a lot.  My sister told me she is feeling suicidal, they have her on suicide watch, even after all the discussions we've had lately about what your family has been through.  Ron is right, the person is thinking of their pain.  Praying for each day's load to lessen a bit, it may seem imperceptible but someday you may look back and see how far you've come.  We're here with you for the long haul.  I know we can't fix anything, but we can sit with you.  Sending loving hugs!

[A&K]

I wrote this to my Allen.  I am in so much pain 😪

My dearest sweet love,

There is a terrible ache in my heart that you felt so much in pain so much so that your only way out was suicide.  I just want to go back twenty days and hold you tight in my arms heart to heart hand in hand.  I swear if I knew I could have helped ease your heartache.  We share the same heartaches in losing our twin girls our Noah and our Gracie.  I should have been more in tune to YOUR pain.  But I couldn’t because I was overwhelmed by my own pain.  But we shared that same pain and loss.  I’m sorry I didn’t see feel or know.  Why does there have to be so much pain on a person that their only relief is this thing called suicide.  I mean there is no rhyme or reason.  The people left behind try to find it but all they really have is utter pain.  But they know suicide isn’t an answer.  So why didn’t you know suicide wasn’t an answer after your dad did it.  I want to scream.  Not at you but for you and with you.  I want you here selfishly.  I want our children to have their daddy.  I want you to hold me again.  To make love again.  To just look in each other’s eyes.  I’d give anything.  I’m jealous.  Because you my love, have our Lily our Lila our Noah and our Gracie now and for eternity.  I guess that’s what you yearned for.  But I’m jealous.  My heart aches.  It hurts in ways so many don’t understand and don’t pretend to.  You will always be my one and only love.  I promise that.  We named this baby girl I’m carrying.   You loved the name Riley Grace.   I just can’t fathom giving birth to her without you by my side.  It will be one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to do.  She will never know her daddy beyond what I will tell her.  Caleb is excited to be able to share you with her as she grows up.  My heart hurts so much.  I’m sitting here with tears burning my eyes.  Do you know how I feel?  Can you hear me talking to you?  Writing to you?  Do you know the pain that has been left for me to grapple with?  Do you know how deeply I love you in spite of the pain you’ve left behind for us?  Do you know that Caleb hurts so much for you?  Can you hear Ryan saying “Dada” and looking for you?  Especially in the morning when he wakes up in his crib.  Oh babe, I ache for you.  I love you so much.  And I miss you so much more.  

Katie

 

[kayc]

Oh Katie,

I feel like I'm on hallowed ground...your letter is beautiful, it's written from the depths of your heart.  Yes, he knows now.  He has half of your kids, you have the other half.  Loving thoughts and prayers your way, dear Katie.