My Allen

[A&K]

Thanks Kay. I finally am able to sign in and post.  Don’t know why I couldn’t fit several hrs.  

I went to my first grief group today.  It was difficult.  But I plan on attending weekly.  

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm glad it was ok for you and that you want to continue.  I bet you are exhausted today.  I remember that group stuff used to zap my energy.

Proud of you Katie ❤️

[MartyT]

Katie, my dear, if ever you have trouble signing onto our site again, please let me know right away, so I can look into the problem. (You can always email me at tousleym@griefhealing.com or send me a Personal Message.) We certainly don't want you to be out of touch with us! ❤️

[A&K]

It’s almost 2am and I’m laying in bed on Allen’s side of the bed sobbing and wishing I could go be with him.  I can’t take this pain.  I guess this never gets easier.  There’s got to be a way to stop the pain. 😢💔

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello Katie,

I know you are hurting and I wish I could help you with it.  As far as I can tell the only way this life with the pain can get easier is when we begin to accept it.  Somehow we have to allow ourselves feel the pain, the grief, and work through the moments or hours or days.  Just try it a moment at a time.  Remember to breathe deeply and slowly.  Your brain needs the oxygen to function properly.  It is a harsh reality I know, and I am truly sorry Katie. ❤️

The pain is the love you wish to share with all your lost angels.  While you are not able to hug them and see them smile or hear their voices I believe they are wanting you to keep going.  In doing that you are honouring them and showing them that your love for them has never stopped.  

You are very much needed and wanted by your earthly family.  Your heavenly family is safe in each other's arms but they need you to stay here with your children.  ❤️

I'm so sorry Katie.  It's hard but I believe in you.

 

[A&K]

Here I am sleepless and in tears again.  

Theres no relief.  

💔💔💔😢😢😢

[Gwenivere]

Heard you, Katie.  🦋

[A&K]

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Heard you, Katie.  🦋

Thank you Gwen ♥️

 

 

[A&K]

This song says so much in losing the kids and Allen.  💔

 

[A&K]

I’m having another sleepless night.  Forgive my multiple posts.  

Im holding Ryan as tries to settle.  He’s 14 mos old and he keeps saying Dada.  He misses his daddy.  Dada was his first word.  He’s feeling my heartbreak and Caleb’s too.  I’m sure.  And I can’t do anything.  I’m such a bad mommy.  

Allen could always get the kids to settle before I could if they were having a hard time.  My heart is so shattered.  My life is shattered.  I know I know I keep posting the same stuff. How much it all hurts.  I’m sorry...  😢

[A&K]

It’s 7am and I got no sleep again.  Caleb just climbed into bed with Ryan and I.  

I don’t know how to be without my love.  He took care of so many things.  Now EVERYTHING falls on me.  It’s so overwhelming.  And on the other hand it’s like I don’t care about EVERYTHING because I can’t wrap my head around his suicide.  Oh my heart. 💔😢

[Kieron]

5 hours ago, A&K said:

I’m having another sleepless night.  Forgive my multiple posts. 

No apologies necessary.  In my own intro post, I mentioned those here who have endured far worse than I did.  You're one of those I was thinking of.  My experience has been a walk in the park by contrast!   🙁 I remember wondering, afterward, if this is anything like a plant's experience of being torn out of the soil it was growing in, and tossed aside to wither and dry out.  For sure my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.  Please make sure you stay hydrated.  it's too easy to dry out from tears and hot weather.

[MartyT]

❤️

[kayc]

Oh Katie, my heart breaks for your pain.  Marita's post was perfect for you, so was Gwen's.  We can't fix it for you, if we could, we would, but we promise to hear you and weep with you.  When I think of you and Ryan and Caleb in bed together, missing Allen, it's so heartbreaking.

Marita is right, we feel the pain, there's no way but straight through it, little by little we begin to adjust, ever so slowly as to seem imperceptible, but always, we continue to miss them.  The pain will lessen little by little, you won't see it for a long long time, but it will come.  We all believe in you.

[A&K]

I managed to nap for an hour with Ryan and Caleb.  

I think I’m going to have to get Caleb back to school because I just don’t have it in me to homeschool him without his daddy.  I think it will be good for him to be around others.  

Yes I do know how long it will take for me to see relief from this heartache.  One second at a time is all I’m capable of.  I just hope I can be a good mommy.  

[A&K]

Is it normal to feel completely overwhelmed with agony yet numb and shocked all at once?

[MartyT]

Katie, my dear, I can assure you that whatever you are feeling is normal for YOU. It is the situation you are in that is not "normal" ~ but your reactions are perfectly normal and completely understandable, given the horrific circumstances with which you are faced. ❤️

[Margm]

3 hours ago, A&K said:

 I just hope I can be a good mommy.  

Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy.  One thing you have not addressed is the fact your body and your mind is hormonal.  When the baby comes, your body will revert back to normal and normal for you will not be every other mommy's normal.  You have been hit with a Mack truck amount of grief.  One thing, as a mommy, you are thinking of putting Caleb in school with other kids.  I know you have anxiety about this.  There will be a new baby to take care of in 2019, a "terrible two's" little boy to chase and a young son in public school, who might grow with the proximity of other children his age.  We always worry about adjustments.  You are going to have so much on you as "Mommy" you will have to have help to find your Katie time.  This is both good and bad.  Your mind is going to be so occupied sometimes you definitely will be overwhelmed.  I hope your parents and friends can be there to help out.  

Katie, my loss is a feather compared to your weight of loss.  I griped because my family demanded (still demand) so much of my time.  I want to go hide.  I do get out in my car and ride my country roads as my "my time."  I have other problems you do not have.  You are so young my Katie-girl, you may have widow's brain where you find your mind wandering, forget things, live in a fog, but your widow brain fog will eventually clear up and your responsibilities will then be mind numbing.  That is why I hope you are close to family and friends.

And of course, right now you have to take care of Katie because baby inside you has to be taken care of.  Later on, you will still have to take care of Katie with super strength, you will have to be Supermom and they will take up so much of your time, sometimes you will begrudge the time, but it has its purpose.  You have kids who are going to give you little time for Katie.  But, in doing this, your mind will be occupied with soccer practice, baseball, getting infants ready to attend all this.  

As I said, Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy.  In the months that come, you are going to have to be Supermommy.  And that is why I hope you have friends and family to help.  You are young but still you need hydration, food, and most of all, something in short supply............rest, and time to grieve.  

Katie, I am 76 as of four days ago.  I have not worried about my "widow fog" in such a way as I do now.  I find my family telling me something happened that I have no memory of.  Sometimes that frightens me.  I have warned them all, I still drive, my car is a taxi for family.  I have to remember where things are located and when I go on my wild excursions to anywhere/everywhere, I have no destination, it is my alone time, I am not lost, I have no anxiety, but if they push me too much I see assisted living coming up and that might put things in different perspective for my whole family.  They don't want me in assisted living or a nursing home.  

You gonna make it Katie-girl because you are an involved Mommy.  No one says it is going to be easy though.  I think God made man strong, and at the risk of hurting our members feelings, I won't say God made women more intelligent, but you cannot  put a woman on this earth to have 12 kids in 22 years and still outlive her husband by nearly 30 years.  I don't know what we are Katie, but we have a strength that men do not have.  I don't think a man could have 12 children without an epidural and then take care of all 12 children.  I don't know what we have, I cannot describe the strength.............but it is there.  You feel it.  (I hope I have not written too much when it is hard to think one second from this moment and the pain is unbearable, but I saw the Katie girl you will be, you are not thinking of yourself, you are thinking, wondering if you will be a good mommy.  No worry, you have accomplished that already.

[A&K]

50 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy.  One thing you have not addressed is the fact your body and your mind is hormonal.  When the baby comes, your body will revert back to normal and normal for you will not be every other mommy's normal.  You have been hit with a Mack truck amount of grief.  One thing, as a mommy, you are thinking of putting Caleb in school with other kids.  I know you have anxiety about this.  There will be a new baby to take care of in 2019, a "terrible two's" little boy to chase and a young son in public school, who might grow with the proximity of other children his age.  We always worry about adjustments.  You are going to have so much on you as "Mommy" you will have to have help to find your Katie time.  This is both good and bad.  Your mind is going to be so occupied sometimes you definitely will be overwhelmed.  I hope your parents and friends can be there to help out.  

Katie, my loss is a feather compared to your weight of loss.  I griped because my family demanded (still demand) so much of my time.  I want to go hide.  I do get out in my car and ride my country roads as my "my time."  I have other problems you do not have.  You are so young my Katie-girl, you may have widow's brain where you find your mind wandering, forget things, live in a fog, but your widow brain fog will eventually clear up and your responsibilities will then be mind numbing.  That is why I hope you are close to family and friends.

And of course, right now you have to take care of Katie because baby inside you has to be taken care of.  Later on, you will still have to take care of Katie with super strength, you will have to be Supermom and they will take up so much of your time, sometimes you will begrudge the time, but it has its purpose.  You have kids who are going to give you little time for Katie.  But, in doing this, your mind will be occupied with soccer practice, baseball, getting infants ready to attend all this.  

As I said, Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy.  In the months that come, you are going to have to be Supermommy.  And that is why I hope you have friends and family to help.  You are young but still you need hydration, food, and most of all, something in short supply............rest, and time to grieve.  

Katie, I am 76 as of four days ago.  I have not worried about my "widow fog" in such a way as I do now.  I find my family telling me something happened that I have no memory of.  Sometimes that frightens me.  I have warned them all, I still drive, my car is a taxi for family.  I have to remember where things are located and when I go on my wild excursions to anywhere/everywhere, I have no destination, it is my alone time, I am not lost, I have no anxiety, but if they push me too much I see assisted living coming up and that might put things in different perspective for my whole family.  They don't want me in assisted living or a nursing home.  

You gonna make it Katie-girl because you are an involved Mommy.  No one says it is going to be easy though.  I think God made man strong, and at the risk of hurting our members feelings, I won't say God made women more intelligent, but you cannot  put a woman on this earth to have 12 kids in 22 years and still outlive her husband by nearly 30 years.  I don't know what we are Katie, but we have a strength that men do not have.  I don't think a man could have 12 children without an epidural and then take care of all 12 children.  I don't know what we have, I cannot describe the strength.............but it is there.  You feel it.  (I hope I have not written too much when it is hard to think one second from this moment and the pain is unbearable, but I saw the Katie girl you will be, you are not thinking of yourself, you are thinking, wondering if you will be a good mommy.  No worry, you have accomplished that already.

Hugs to you Ms Marg.  Thank you for all your words.  I send you warm fuzzy hugs.  ♥️

[A&K]

I can’t thank everyone enough for opening their hearts to me and my kids at this time when your own hearts are hurting.  It means so much to me.  Truly. ♥️

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

You have been hit with a Mack truck amount of grief. 

Complete agreement.  You are to be commended for being upright and putting one foot in front of the other moment by moment, while raising little ones and another on the way!  I couldn't do it, I know that for a fact.  My hat's off to ya.  🧢 <-- I guess that's supposed to be a baseball cap...

[kayc]

19 hours ago, A&K said:

Is it normal to feel completely overwhelmed with agony yet numb and shocked all at once?

Yep!  That pretty much describes it.  And in your situation, multiplied.  It won't stay like this though, it will lessen, although it takes much time before that happens.

[A&K]

I’m in the hospital as baby girl is in a little distress because I’m having asthma and bronchitis breathing issues.  They are keeping me to keep an eye on things for both of us.  Having breathing treatments and started on antibiotic.  Baby girl should relax as my breathing improves.  

 

[MartyT]

Sending healing thoughts and prayers for both of you, dear Katie ❤️

[Gwenivere]

So glad you are in good hands.  Having just gotten out after a 10 day stay, it was great having people tend your needs so you rest a bit.  It may be amid being bugged more, but I learned to send staff away if I wasn’t up for something.  You’re the boss.  Take good care, Katie.  🌺