kayc Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 Katie, saying prayers for you and your little one! I hope you're doing better today! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 Katie I am glad you are getting looked after. It's hard to put ourselves first sometimes but it is the best choice you could have made for you and your family. I have misplaced my glasses so will cut this short. Just know I am always ready to listen. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 Katie and Marita, I've just read this week's AfterTalk column featuring Dr. Bob Neimeyer. His response to another woman widowed by suicide is so beautifully stated, and of course I thought of you two immediately: Husband’s Suicide: How do I move on? by Dr. Robert Neimeyer on August 20, 2018 in Loss of a husband, suicide Dear Dr. Neimeyer, My husband of over 30 years killed himself over two years ago. I went through survival mode the first year, and now have my life “working” in a sense, but still ruminate too much about “why,” and what I could have done to change it. I want peace, to accept that this is what happened to him. But I am the one who has to suffer now, and our children and grandchildren who will never know him. How does one move on? Katie Dear Katie, I suppose the answer is “with difficulty, but with resolve.” As a survivor of my own father’s suicide when I was young, I became intimately aware of the devastation his death left in its wake. The impact was prolonged and life changing, and my mother’s means of coping (numbing her pain with alcohol, and clinging anxiously to her three children out of fear of further loss), while understandable, contributed across many years to the complicated post-loss adaptation we experienced. Your ability to get the train of your life back on the rails in a far briefer period paints a more optimistic picture of the future toward which you and your family are moving. But of course the corrosive and ruminative self-questioning continues. I have come to understand this not simply as a symptom of complicated grief to be controlled or eliminated (though it can be that, too), but rather as a signal of what we need in the aftermath of suicide loss—some way to “make sense” of a seemingly senseless death, and more broadly of the suffering that it introduces into the lives of those most intimately touched by it. In seeking this, we commonly have to do two things that are difficult given the reality of how our minds work: (1) develop radical empathy and (2) accept the limits of human knowing. Neither is easy, though both are possible. Let me therefore share a brief thought about each. Read on here >>> 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 Thanks @MartyT. Very interesting reading. Again, thank you for all you do for us. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 21, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 I’m still in the hospital. Baby girl is still in distress. I’m on terbutaline for some contractions that are going on. I’m trying to not be upset but this grief and heartbreak is making things so hard. I miss my boys. They are with my best friend. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 Sorry you have so much to be concerned about. It is such a difficult time as it is. Your best friend, hugs to her for caring for the boys. You just need to care for you and baby. Prayers to you being able to get some relief from so much grief and stress and of course prayers to your little doll. ❤️. Thinking about you and your family Katie. Sending my love and prayers 🙏. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 Katie, thinking of you and wishing that you and your baby improve quickly so you can get home to your boys. So grateful you have such a good friend to help. Gin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 Katie-girl, everyone on this forum wish they could be by your bedside right now just holding your hands. I did pray, and I wish my mustard seed faith would remove all your mountains. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 22, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 @MartyT thank for the article. Thanks for all you share. Katie. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 22, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 I’m laying in my hospital bed feeling baby girl move and feeling small contractions that shouldn’t be happening yet and I ask myself why I can’t just be over this pain and grief. I’m responsible for this baby girl. But I can’t get over the pain for my dear Allen and losing Lily Lila Noah and Gracie. I can’t even say this baby girls name because Allen named her just before his suicide. Her daddy isn’t here waiting for her. He should be. 😢 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 22, 2018 Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 I wish I could sit with you as you're in the hospital, Katie. You have a dear friend, thank God for her care! I pray little girl holds on and settles down so you can go home to be with Ryan and Caleb. My heart is full but the words don't come, just know you're being thought of and prayed for today. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 22, 2018 Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 Katie it doesn't sound like you are getting much rest. I know that my words are easily spoken but please know my heart is in every one of them. You must be emotionally exhausted with everything that has happened and when you think about the future. Somehow you have to find a way to recharge yourself. Have you tried any meditation? Maybe it could help you escape reality for a little while so your heart and head can have a little rest. I went to a short course on relaxation and meditation a few years ago. When I can recognize that my life is getting to be too much I remember the breathing and guided relaxation exercises. One exercise involved placing yourself (in your mind) in a store where you could get everything you need. I started by picturing myself walking through the door and just looking around to see what was there. It took some time but eventually I would picture a walk to the store, what things on the walk smelled like, how the sun felt and the breeze from the ocean. The more I used my imagination the more I relaxed. Now when I do this exercise I often don't even make it into the store. I think you could probably find someone at the hospital that could help you find a source for these exercises. I went to a mental health center. New things can be easy to dismiss because you don't know if it would be worthwhile. You are worthwhile and you deserve to be able to try to help yourself. ❤️ I am praying for your darling girl to slow down and wait for her special day. Much love to you all Katie 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 23, 2018 Report Share Posted August 23, 2018 This talks about using meditation in our grief...https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/meditation-helpful-to-those-who-grieve.html Here is a section for meditations, Anne has posted a lot of them there if you look through the pages in the thread you can see the videos and play them to go through it.https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/7778-meditation/?page=50 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 24, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2018 This evening is one month since my Allen committed suicide and I can’t get the image of finding him out of my head. It’s only a month I know but it feels like forever. I want to understand. I think in a way I understand a little because I’m in unbearable heartache and don’t want to go on anymore. But it stop there. It stops with my children. I won’t. I can’t do it to my boys and baby girl Riley Grace fighting to survive inside me. One month... I wonder how others were at one month. Heartbroken scared numb shock overwhelmed etc... baby girl is calming down. Maybe in a couple days I will be able to go home to my boys. But Dr said complete bedrest and I will stay on terbutaline for rest of pregnancy. My girlfriend said she would stay with my and the boys when I go home. I’m blessed. Katie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 24, 2018 Report Share Posted August 24, 2018 "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." — Christopher Robin, Winnie the Pooh. Lifting you and your precious little darlings in prayer, dear Katie . . . ❤️ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 24, 2018 Report Share Posted August 24, 2018 Katie I am so glad your friend is there for you. She won't replace Allen, no one can do that. She is there for you in all the ways that matter. How wonderful to have such a great friend. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 24, 2018 Report Share Posted August 24, 2018 Katie, Praying little Riley Grace stays well seated as long as she needs to. I'm so glad your friend will be there for you and the boys. Thank God for a friend like her! I'm sorry I didn't see this yesterday...I can't get on the internet at home right now because my modem died yesterday. Right now I'm using the church's internet, so I'll be a little spotty here the next few days. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 25, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2018 I’m getting overwhelming feelings of fear. Fear that baby girl won’t make it. I can’t lose another child. Fear that I won’t be able to continue on without my love. He was my everything. Since elementary school. Fear that I won’t be a good mommy to the boys. Mom getting out of the hospital Monday if no more contractions. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 25, 2018 Report Share Posted August 25, 2018 You will learn to incorporate him into your life in a different way. A friend of mine lost her husband three months ago...she wrote on FB that three months ago her husband became her angel. I like how she is looking at it, I can see her viewing him as looking after her, the thought brings comfort. You will be a good mommy because you are a good person, you can't be anything but! I understand your fear about this child, how could you not fear after all you've been through! I am praying hard for her to stay put as long as she needs to...I have everyone I know praying too. It will take time for you to adjust, but it will happen little by little. The Bible talks about "precept on precept" and I like that term, to me it's like something is built little by little, not all at once, but everything going in counts, it all helps. I'm glad you'll get to come home Monday! My sister is scheduled to come home Thursday...makes me very nervous as her dementia has worsened tremendously since all this started. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A&K Posted August 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 I received my Allen’s final gift last night. Our Riley Grace was stillborn and weighed 2lbs1oz. She was beautiful. I feel so blessed to have such a beautiful angel and his final gift to me. And she’s in his arms now. I’m heartbroken but blessed. The hospital gave me a gown for her to wear 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 27, 2018 Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 She is so beautiful. You are an amazing young woman Katie. I am so very sorry that Riley Grace came too soon but it is heart warming to know she is with family. 🙏❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 27, 2018 Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 Katie, my dear, dear Katie ~ your pain and suffering breaks my heart. The photograph of your hands holding your beautiful, precious and perfect little Riley Grace just takes my breath away. May the music of her beautiful name fill your heart with a symphony, and in the space that opens in her absence, may you know peace. We are thinking of you and supporting you in thoughts and spirit as we move with you through the shadow of this immeasurable loss. ❤️ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted August 27, 2018 Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 Katie, She is a precious, precious angel. May you be granted the peace you so deserve. You are on my heart. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 27, 2018 Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 Katie, I have no words that could express my sorrow for you. All of your losses and now this girl you had hopes for. Your poor heart. 💔 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted August 27, 2018 Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 No words Katie-Girl, other than she is a beautiful Angel. My heart hurts. My prayers for your health and your family's. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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