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Dealing with the Ups & Downs


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For the past year I have visited your site and found solace in reading how each of you have managed to go on in your individual way.  Your strength in sharing your life has helped me in many ways, mainly that I am not alone.  Despite this, some days I feel I am totally alone.  My two children have their own complicated lives and barely seem to manage their problems so I feel I can't dump my loneliness on them as they are also dealing with the loss of a Dad that gave them an amazing childhood.  My son, lives at least an hour away, is in a shaky relationship and has a job that keeps him away from his home sometimes10+ hours a day.  My daughter lives a six hour drive from me, has a loving, supportive husband but has to deal with daily debilitating chronic pain.   Life used to be comfortable, full and happily lived with my husband as we enjoyed our low keyed life for over 50 years; retired, being grandparents and living the life we chose.  Since I did not grow up in the town where we met and married, the friends and family we had as a couple were primarily his, and have for different reasons dropped from my life.  I don't blame them.  I do understand everyone has their own busy lives.  I have to take a good part of the blame for being alone. They were his friends and family, and being somewhat of an introvert, I find it challenging to put myself out into new situations to make friends or instigate a lunch or visit.  Additionally, minor health issues keep me from being able to jump in my car and get out and about as I used to do.
  
Since his death happened suddenly, my first year as a widow was involved with paperwork, sorting through financial issues, learning how to manage a house on my own, trying to downsize, etc.  The second year I continued on in my lonely, singular life and managed somehow.  And now, this third year, there are days when something creeps up on me, out of nowhere, and tells me, "Oh no, you can't do this" and now I am beginning to believe I can't do this.  A trigger moment can make me break down and crumble into a blob of tears, heartache and fear. 

I constantly ask, "Why did he have to go before me?  I was supposed to go first".  He was the gregarious, loved every-moment-of-life man that saw adventure and beauty in nature and life.  He never met anyone he couldn't have a conversation with about almost anything.

Daily I tell my love I won't give up, but sometimes, a switch is flipped, and the pain stabs me where my heart used to be.  Last week, I thought I could go into his workshop and find something I needed and as I stepped through the door, I could hardly see past the flow of tears. 
As l continue to visit your site, I want to say how much I appreciate you all being there.Dee
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Dee, October 17, 2015 (and sometimes I think it is October 15, 2017), but I know better.  Time changes things.  I think I could have written the above.  I am glad you decided to join us.  Before Billy left I was not old.  Oh, the years were piling up, but neither of us noticed them.  We laughed about being slower, but he had quit walking with me and I walked to walk off the pain of a colon rupture and could not take pain killers except Tylenol.  I wrote recently (maybe  yesterday, all days run together) that some simple task I have done all our married life,  all of a sudden I needed him to do it.  So, I sacked up all the garbage and I put it in one of the giant bags I had bought by mistake (these are BIG bags) and I carried it out to the dumpster.  They usually have the top down and I honestly would have had a hard time pushing it in.  One of the men would have come helped "the old lady" but it was open.  I slung that big old sack behind me and threw it up into that big ole dumpster.  I made it extra hard just to make sure II would do it.  People were watching sitting at the tables under the umbrellas.  Somehow I felt I had made the three pointer at the buzzer.  This ole gal still has it.  Put a little spring in my step.  Maybe Billy was watching.  No, it is not good, but some days little things make you feel better.

I'm glad you spoke up.  Your thoughts are needed too..  

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Dee,

We're pleased to meet you, although I wish it was under different circumstances.  I've learned that this too is part of life, we just hadn't considered it before.  I'm glad George (my husband) went first because I think he would have been lost without me and I wouldn't want him to go through all I've been through.  He was the one who was spontaneous, funloving, sporadic...I was the taskmonger, the stable one, the one that saw to it all bills were paid and chores accomplished.  Together we were a perfect fit.  He helped me stop and smell the roses.  He did all he could (chore wise) to help get everything done so that when the weekend came we would be free to enjoy our time together.  I miss him tremendously.

11 hours ago, widow'15 said:

"Oh no, you can't do this" and now I am beginning to believe I can't do this.

That's self-doubt and I'd be lying if I said we didn't all feel this sometimes.  But when you hear that inner voice, tell it that you can and HAVE been doing this, you're in your third year now!  Sometimes we have to push past our comfort zone...perhaps when we're lonely it takes us actually calling someone and making a lunch date.  I remember how hard it was in the beginning for me to go to church alone, get groceries in the next town without George (my daughter did it for me in the beginning), let alone go out to eat alone.  But I did it.  And with each thing I did that was new to me, came an added sense of strength, a knowledge that I could do this.  I have friends, but am still missing my close friend that moved away about three years ago.  No one has taken her place.  I continue working on making new friends, strengthening relationships, building on them.  It's not easy, I think it was way easier when I was young, but I keep on because I need it.

I hope you'll continue coming here and letting us get to know you!  As you know, we talk about our loss, but this grief has affected us in so many ways, and so we venture into other topics we are affected by such as health, being alone, making decisions, things breaking down, etc.  It helps knowing there are others that are going through similar things and understand and sometimes we even get some great advice!

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On 7/24/2018 at 11:23 PM, widow'15 said:
For the past year I have visited your site and found solace in reading how each of you have managed to go on in your individual way....
  
Since his death happened suddenly, my first year as a widow was involved with paperwork, sorting through financial issues, learning how to manage a house on my own, trying to downsize, etc.  The second year I continued on in my lonely, singular life and managed somehow.  And now, this third year, there are days when something creeps up on me, out of nowhere, and tells me, "Oh no, you can't do this" and now I am beginning to believe I can't do this.  A trigger moment can make me break down and crumble into a blob of tears, heartache and fear....

Daily I tell my love I won't give up, but sometimes, a switch is flipped, and the pain stabs me where my heart used to be.  Last week, I thought I could go into his workshop and find something I needed and as I stepped through the door, I could hardly see past the flow of tears. 
As l continue to visit your site, I want to say how much I appreciate you all being there.Dee

I am also close to the 3 & 1/2 year mark and this still happens.  Third year for me is just the deepening realization and accepting the reality of life without my beloved.  I will always miss her. My love for her never dies.  Now it is in the fond remembrance of our journey together.

The members here in this place "GET IT" and we help each other just by listening, sharing, and caring. Please come and share what you are able.  It is here that i am learning how to express it, learn tools to deal with it, and also grow through healing.  This process takes time. Our lives have been changed. Thank you for sharing.  - Shalom

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Dee, I hear you. I've done everything I can, followed all the suggestions, about how to survive this nightmare. I have OK periods but the realization that Susan is gone always comes up and slams me at some point. I'm in one of those now. I've suddenly made amazing progress setting up a permanent Memorial after not being sure what to do. This is good, but it also amplifies the fact that she's gone. Even writing about her in the past tense hurts. I have friends and family who love me, but that love isn't a millionth of Susan's. I stay active and do things, but go home to nobody where once we were so happy. As this new life is revealed, it seems infinitely "less than" what we had. Sorry to be negative, but I'm in a low now. 

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Tom, I went through a weird yesterday.  Billy and I had 54 years and the last nearly 30 years were perfect.  Yesterday I remembered the six weeks we were separated though and it was both our faults, he told me something and my revenge secret nearly floored him.  I had tried to tell him before but he would not accept it.  So, the first four of those weeks of separation we still "saw" each other every day, he hated me.  Someone told him "you are just angry because she beat you at your own game."  I think that sunk in but by that time I saw a life of my own and was not turned off by it."  But, we went back together and somehow it was like gorilla glue, we never mentioned it again and we were finally best friends.  But yesterday, all I could think about was those six weeks, and I was "something" and don't know what I was.  Maybe angry.  I don't know, but I don't like that feeling any more than the grief.  I don't know how I could let myself remember that low point and forget the happiness.........but weird things happen.  I wonder if there is a perfect "Leave it to Beaver" family existence.  

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Marg, we almost broke up when I crashed from substance abuse. It was wonderful in the beginning, deteriorated as alcoholism progressed, almost ended, and then with my recovery just got magical again and better every year for the last 26. One of the many painful things is that, on  that good path, I believe that a lot of the regrets I have now would have been fixed with more time. 

 

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Tom, we were such kids, 18 and 20, and we had no idea what life was about.  We found out.  We made mistakes but they were never thrown up to him, or him to me.  We had a long run, but I was not ready to quit running.  Was not old till he left.  When he left I bought three Rubbermaid ladders, three sizes.  I've used them.  He was right at 6'3" and I'm skimming 5 feet.  I've needed them.  Poor replacements.  My heart is with us all, young and old.  

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On ‎07‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 2:18 PM, Marg M said:

Tom, I went through a weird yesterday.  Billy and I had 54 years and the last nearly 30 years were perfect.  Yesterday I remembered the six weeks we were separated though and it was both our faults, he told me something and my revenge secret nearly floored him.  I had tried to tell him before but he would not accept it.  So, the first four of those weeks of separation we still "saw" each other every day, he hated me.  Someone told him "you are just angry because she beat you at your own game."  I think that sunk in but by that time I saw a life of my own and was not turned off by it."  But, we went back together and somehow it was like gorilla glue, we never mentioned it again and we were finally best friends.  But yesterday, all I could think about was those six weeks, and I was "something" and don't know what I was.  Maybe angry.  I don't know, but I don't like that feeling any more than the grief.  I don't know how I could let myself remember that low point and forget the happiness.........but weird things happen.  I wonder if there is a perfect "Leave it to Beaver" family existence.  

No Marg, I don't believe there is.  As close as we were, John and I also had two separations in our 47 years together...neither of us was perfect.  But, what I say about it is all the ups and downs were what made our relationship so rich and interesting, like a colorful quilt, and challenged us to find the loving, liking, get real.  I wouldn't change anything.  We got so close due to all the goods and bads.  Sounds like you and your husband did too.  That's why I know it will never happen again for me.  I don't think I have that many years left to build another rich relationship.....Cookie

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1 hour ago, Cookie said:

I don't think I have that many years left to build another rich relationship.....Cookie

Neither do I Cookie, and I don't want to try.  It does not enter my head at all.  My grandmother suffered all her life, unbeknownst to anyone in the family.  She had such screwed up "female" cancer, just as I did, that she could not be the kind of wife she wanted to be.  In her little coma before she died, he had already been gone since the 1950's and this was the 1980's when she died..  I was sitting with her in and out of consciousness and I heard her say "I couldn't be a wife to him" and this had haunted her since her late 20's after she married at 15 and had seven children in 10 years.  You marry in sickness and in health.  If your husband has some debilitating illness you do not run and find another man.  Same should be true, but life does not always run like it should.  Those were the last words I heard her say, and I knew the guilt she had carried all those years.  But her grandmother, her "namesake" had 11 children in 21 years and outlived her husband.  They did not have epidural blocks back then.  Wow!!!!

No, there will never be another, not even if I was 10-20 years younger.  I cannot examine things like my grandmother did.  Her sweet little Christian guilt stayed with her.  I would not do a single thing different, nothing, not even the bad things.  But, I would not go through them again for any other man.  What we had, I can never find even a semblance close to getting to know someone.  It was a lifetime of fun.......and toil and trouble........and happiness, and we lived every moment of it.  Yes, I would like to "take care" of him longer, but he would not have liked it.  Sometimes things happen like they have to and we can put the microscope away.  I did.

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On ‎07‎/‎24‎/‎2018 at 11:23 PM, widow'15 said:
For the past year I have visited your site and found solace in reading how each of you have managed to go on in your individual way.  Your strength in sharing your life has helped me in many ways, mainly that I am not alone.  Despite this, some days I feel I am totally alone.  My two children have their own complicated lives and barely seem to manage their problems so I feel I can't dump my loneliness on them as they are also dealing with the loss of a Dad that gave them an amazing childhood.  My son, lives at least an hour away, is in a shaky relationship and has a job that keeps him away from his home sometimes10+ hours a day.  My daughter lives a six hour drive from me, has a loving, supportive husband but has to deal with daily debilitating chronic pain.   Life used to be comfortable, full and happily lived with my husband as we enjoyed our low keyed life for over 50 years; retired, being grandparents and living the life we chose.  Since I did not grow up in the town where we met and married, the friends and family we had as a couple were primarily his, and have for different reasons dropped from my life.  I don't blame them.  I do understand everyone has their own busy lives.  I have to take a good part of the blame for being alone. They were his friends and family, and being somewhat of an introvert, I find it challenging to put myself out into new situations to make friends or instigate a lunch or visit.  Additionally, minor health issues keep me from being able to jump in my car and get out and about as I used to do.
  
Since his death happened suddenly, my first year as a widow was involved with paperwork, sorting through financial issues, learning how to manage a house on my own, trying to downsize, etc.  The second year I continued on in my lonely, singular life and managed somehow.  And now, this third year, there are days when something creeps up on me, out of nowhere, and tells me, "Oh no, you can't do this" and now I am beginning to believe I can't do this.  A trigger moment can make me break down and crumble into a blob of tears, heartache and fear. 

I constantly ask, "Why did he have to go before me?  I was supposed to go first".  He was the gregarious, loved every-moment-of-life man that saw adventure and beauty in nature and life.  He never met anyone he couldn't have a conversation with about almost anything.

Daily I tell my love I won't give up, but sometimes, a switch is flipped, and the pain stabs me where my heart used to be.  Last week, I thought I could go into his workshop and find something I needed and as I stepped through the door, I could hardly see past the flow of tears. 
As l continue to visit your site, I want to say how much I appreciate you all being there.Dee

Dee:  I found so much in what you wrote to relate to.  I also feel such great pain 3 years out and it has surprised me.  Thought it would be easier, like a lot of people say.  My husband was also an outgoing friendly guy, which I greatly admired, and I too feel like it should have been me and not him.....just wanted to commiserate with you.  You are definitely not alone in the way you feel....hugs, Cookie

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On ‎07‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 2:00 PM, TomPB said:

Dee, I hear you. I've done everything I can, followed all the suggestions, about how to survive this nightmare. I have OK periods but the realization that Susan is gone always comes up and slams me at some point. I'm in one of those now. I've suddenly made amazing progress setting up a permanent Memorial after not being sure what to do. This is good, but it also amplifies the fact that she's gone. Even writing about her in the past tense hurts. I have friends and family who love me, but that love isn't a millionth of Susan's. I stay active and do things, but go home to nobody where once we were so happy. As this new life is revealed, it seems infinitely "less than" what we had. Sorry to be negative, but I'm in a low now. 

TomPB:  I also relate to what you feel as well as Dee.  You're not negative, just hurting....I also have many of those times still too.....it doesn't seem to hurt less as much as I keep hoping it will.  Take care, Cookie

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On 8/1/2018 at 4:30 PM, Cookie said:

Dee:  I found so much in what you wrote to relate to.  I also feel such great pain 3 years out and it has surprised me.  Thought it would be easier, like a lot of people say.  My husband was also an outgoing friendly guy, which I greatly admired, and I too feel like it should have been me and not him.....just wanted to commiserate with you.  You are definitely not alone in the way you feel....hugs, Cookie

Thank you Cookie.  Your shared feelings help.  And, no, it hasn't gotten any easier even though 3 years have past.  But, I only take one day at a time, and don't look to much into tomorrow or next week.  Dee

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Not at all alone, Dee.  I’m getting close to 4 years and the pain is still so intense.  No one but us veterans understand and that makes it harder.  I get sick of the platitudes and always puzzled looks why I am not 'used to' it.  Ironically they probably mention to their partners how we are having a hard time and wonder why!  That one simple thing.....being able to talk to them.  They don’t know how it is to feel half of you has died when we lost them.  

 

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Will be three years in October.  I have family activity to keep my mind occupied, but some days I don't.  Today I kept telling myself that I could not believe he was gone.  I can see him walking around (in my mind), and one morning I woke up to think he was in bed.  Sometimes I just don't want to believe he is gone.  Then the activity starts and things have to be done with other people and so I don't so much forget, I just robotically tick along.  Got scared this morning.  I was by myself for a long time and I just felt I had something wrong with me.  Just did not feel right.  I keep telling myself in a couple of days I will be 76, and if he was here that would just be a number we stuck on our cake.  I've had lots of illness, been very lucky, but not sure how many life's are left in this old cat.  Would not be like that if he was here.  Even with the cancer, he allayed my fears.  I don't think I helped his.  He said "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes."  I would not talk death, not even when he held out his hands in giving up.  I told him "no" and he did not listen to me.

Will add, in reality I know he couldn't listen to me.  But, I was supposed to be holding him.  Lost my chance with my stubbornness, I wanted to "play God" one more time and keep him with me.

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Getting used to our life as it is doesn't mean the love or missing them is any less, I can attest.  I don't remember how long it took me to get used to this...maybe that is a misnomer in itself, it's not that we ever get to liking it, we'd give anything to have them back, I honestly don't know which is sadder...still being in shock over it, or getting used to the changes it's made for our lives.  Getting hit with the triggers again and again and again was very hard.  Now it just feels like so long ago...it makes me very tired.

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I will have those moments where I realize I'm getting "old" (will be 69 in December) and scared about the loneliness of doing that alone.  Always thought we would get old together.  It's funny how you are in denial about realities when you have your person with you.  One of us would have gone before the other sooner or later; just wish it had been me.  He really would have coped so much better, I know.  I guess I'm touchy about having heard "it would get easier" in the beginning because although it has changed, it doesn't necessarily feel like an improvement at times.  I still also get so lonely I want to die, terrified, full of panic and overwhelmed with having to deal with things by myself that I know nothing about....so, it's a toss-up to me.  I thought getting easier meant actually finding happiness.  I'm still in the robotic place so I can cope stage, have some happiness at times, but mostly very lonely, missing John, feeling very strongly all the time like something big is missing (which it is) and I get tired of it.  Most days I just tell myself that I have to keep going and get through another day.  Oh well......maybe some day, huh?  Hugs to all....Cookie

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7 hours ago, Cookie said:

I will have those moments where I realize I'm getting "old" (will be 69 in December)

I was not aware of being old until Billy left.  Funny thing is he looked better to me  than he did at 20 even.  All those other guys, they got old.  I do not recognize the old fat woman in the windows of shops.  I just got old too fast  I don't look.

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I can empathize with you Cookie.  I was 61 last month and sometimes the future seems so bleak and too long to be without my husband.  But I have hopes that eventually there will be more good days than just ok or getting by ones.

Take care of you for him and for yourself.

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I will have those moments where I realize I'm getting "old" (will be 69 in December) and scared about the loneliness of doing that alone.

Cookie, Marge and Marita:

Looks like I have all of you beat.  I will be 77 in September.  And, the only good thing I can find in admitting being the "elder"  is that I know I won't live forever, and my Good Lord knows I don't want to, because  I will be living those unknown years alone and without my love.  I am blessed that he left me with wonderful happy memories to keep me sane  and try to relive those times on those terribly lonesome days.   He passed away two months prior to our 51st Anniversary.   A very small family and few friends gives me small chances to interact with people, and honestly sometimes when I do force myself to go out and about I wonder why did I think this is what I wanted to do.  Simply trying to order take out food sometimes at a restaurant or counter is more than I want to deal with.  Either my hearing is failing or they are speaking so fast I can't compute.  Dee

 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Cookie said:

One of us would have gone before the other sooner or later; just wish it had been me.  He really would have coped so much better, I know.   I still also get so lonely I want to die, terrified, full of panic and overwhelmed with having to deal with things by myself that I know nothing about....so, it's a toss-up to me.  I thought getting easier meant actually finding happiness.

Kinda chopped up your post, but this I what hit me about what you wrote.   I feel so much the same.  I was not a weak person, but felt whole with him.  Evolved into that when I surrendered to the love between us.  Half yanked away now.  It’s come back for problems, but now I’m worn out by them as they just keep coming and as I age, it gets so discouraging I need help.  Guess I thought I would be immune to age.  Sure couldn’t imagine it even in my 50’s.  As for finding happiness?  Cookie, if that happens let me know how you did it because that feeling has vanished from my world.  

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I was not aware of being old until Billy left.  Funny thing is he looked better to me  than he did at 20 even.  

Steve was the most gorgeous hunk I ever saw when we met.  The charismatic singer in his band.  Kept coming back to me amid all the one night stand groupies that followed the band.  I didn’t pursue him.  Maybe that was the challenge combined with I expected nothing from him. Had my own share of picks.  There was a force forming, stronger than the lust it began as. He did the distinguished route when he did decades of corporate work.  Retiring he went back to being the musician.  There is nothing I wouldn’t give to see that smile, hear that voice, touch that face and hair again, the passionate deep kisses that became rare as they do after decades.  That was OK, made them even more intense. The little picture by my name here shows him when we renewed our vows.  Hurts to even see it some days I read here.  Who would have thought love could cause so much more pain than just breaking up?  I remember thinking my life was over losing a boyfriend.  Oh, how little I knew then.  Those were little chips in the heart that healed quickly. This was heart surgery that left me a functioning half of one.  I miss a whole heart.  I don’t look 'old' yet, at least not almost 63, I keep being told.  But inside, I am old as so much of my sense of life and reason  to be alive have fled.  I have the physical age related problems.  But nothing hurts more than my heart which is actually healthy, medically.   Grief keeps revealing cruel ironies and insidious ness.  A formidable foe that always wins and comes back to remind me it does.  A sadistic stalker.  

Maybe I should have skipped philosophy in college.  I keep trying to put into words things we just have none to describe.  

 

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20 hours ago, Cookie said:

I thought getting easier meant actually finding happiness.

It really is a relative term, can mean different things to different people. To me, "getting easier" means I won't be in the shock I was at first, that I will learn to live with this life as it is now, not that it somehow feels happier, better, not that it in any way will resemble even a fraction of what I had with George.  It means I learn to cope.  You re three years older than me, I realize I am growing old alone, that was sure never my preference.  It seems most of us here are facing growing old alone.  My kids aren't around, I find that makes a huge difference.  Of my widowed friends, they all have a good support system with their kids living nearby or coming to see them often, I don't have that.  It does make me wonder how I'm going to do this.  I try to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow.  Every time I worry about my future, anxiety gets a stronghold, and I have to go back to today.  Today I can handle.

You talk about dealing with things you know nothing about...I know what you mean.  Some of these big decisions, do I get the house painted or a roof on the garage or get the back of the garage replaced?  I can't afford to do all three.  I have to prioritize.  I decided for the roof.  I pray for wisdom in these choices, I no longer have my husband to talk things over with.  When George was here he'd handle these things, heck, he'd be the one doing the work, most likely!  I'd be the one furnishing him and his friends with refreshments and giving him a massage afterwards.

Things have changed, big time.  

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9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But nothing hurts more than my heart which is actually healthy,

Yesterday I saw someone in the bank I hadn't seen in a while, I met her at the senior site.  14 months ago her 60+ son was killed in an accident on the highway all because some other guy thought it'd be cool to do meth and drive.  She is so hit with grief, she doesn't go out anymore, she can't handle being around the gaiety of people laughing and chatting.  I invited her to our grief support group, which I was on my way to.  She has to arrange rides ahead of time and there wasn't time to talk right then, but I got her number and will call her.

I thought, this is what grief does to us.  It robs us of our lives and all of us here know how hard it is to build anything back into it, anything to make it seem worth living.  It is a daily struggle sometimes, everything seems more of a chore rather than just coming naturally and flowing.  We have to work at it.  What a difference from all we took for granted before, from all that seemed so easy.  What a difference that one person can make to our lives!

My sister thinks her life would be easier without her husband.  I tell her "Don't go there, you don't know what you're talking about!"  He is the person who takes care of her!  Sure there's a battle over what they watch on t.v. or what they eat, so what!  She has no clue.  I tell her, trust me, you do not want to be alone.  It's not as glamorous and fun as you might imagine it to be.  They've been married 48 years. 

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

It really is a relative term, can mean different things to different people. To me, "getting easier" means I won't be in the shock I was at first, that I will learn to live with this life as it is now, not that it somehow feels happier, better, not that it in any way will resemble even a fraction of what I had with George.  It means I learn to cope.  You re three years older than me, I realize I am growing old alone, that was sure never my preference.  It seems most of us here are facing growing old alone.  My kids aren't around, I find that makes a huge difference.  Of my widowed friends, they all have a good support system with their kids living nearby or coming to see them often, I don't have that.  It does make me wonder how I'm going to do this.  I try to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow.  Every time I worry about my future, anxiety gets a stronghold, and I have to go back to today.  Today I can handle.

You talk about dealing with things you know nothing about...I know what you mean.  Some of these big decisions, do I get the house painted or a roof on the garage or get the back of the garage replaced?  I can't afford to do all three.  I have to prioritize.  I decided for the roof.  I pray for wisdom in these choices, I no longer have my husband to talk things over with.  When George was here he'd handle these things, heck, he'd be the one doing the work, most likely!  I'd be the one furnishing him and his friends with refreshments and giving him a massage afterwards.

Things have changed, big time.  

Yes, kayc:  Same with me.  John built this house and would always know what to do of course.  That was so nice, and yes, I was spoiled, I guess.  I feel that way now.  We always partnered; I would help him, but he was the knowledgeable one.  Roof is a good choice.  Will keep the moisture out of your house.  I have a metal roof and the screws started working themselves out, something I never expected.  Had to go through several repair people before I picked one who ended up being very reasonable and knowledgeable, but, boy, did that take a toll emotionally.  Everything is like that.  Oh well, you're right, it's just one day at a time still.  I have a part of my deck rotting and have to go through this all over again....getting a little hardened about it all, though I must say....is that good or bad (?).  Good luck to you on your place.  I am going to get another puppy...looking around.  Still missing Olive so much but she and Ranger were so wonderful it just makes me want another....Cookie

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