What do you do with the guilt?

[Rahn]

My wife Wanda passed on July 5 2018. We were together for 25 years but we were going through a rough patch before the cancer came back. I never left her side from the time the doctor told her the cancer was back until she passed. We talked ever night and forgave each other for our parts of the problems we were having.

I find that i can't remember all of the good times we had together. All i can think about is everything i missed. All the times she wanted my time and i stayed working or did other things that in retrospect where not as important. All the time she wanted to go for a drive and talk and i didn't go. The weekend that she wanted to get the kids together and go out that i didn't go. 

I can't get past the guilt. I can't ever get that time back and she is gone. I look at all the family pictures of the fun we had but i can't remember any of that.  Has anyone else experienced this? If so how did you get past it?

[kayc]

You forgave each other, now it's time to work on forgiving yourself.  We're human, not so perfect, but oh how we loved each other!

Please read this:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[Gin]

I fthink a lot of us feel that way.  I felt so bad that I was not as patient with Al the last few weeks.  And that I did not get another opinion for his health care.  And I did not understand everything the doctors did/did not do.  I questioned a lot, but always felt that somehow I let him down.  I can not say that I am over the guilt.  I think over time, I just accepted that we are  by no means perfect and have to forgive everyone  - the docs, hospitals and most importantly us.  I am sure they have forgiven us.

[TomPB]

I feel that way. I know we had a wonderful amazing partnership but there are so many times I could have shown Susan more love,  appreciate her more, not be a grouch, let her make me happy....When I was complaining about some unimportant thing she'd say "But you have me" and only now do I fully realize that nothing else mattered. Susan liked to explain a lot when I was trying to get a simple answer. In our last conversation, I asked if the Dr said pneumonia could cause her cough, wanting yes/no, and she did the usual explaining. I kept after her, she finally said "yes", and I said something like "OK, you finally answered my question". Those were my last words to my soulmate. Then when the water kept running I didn't get up to check right away b/c I thought if she turned it on she should turn it off. Thats how 48 yrs of unconditional love ended, with not even a goodbye.

[iPraiseHim]

Rahn,

Yes, I went through similar thoughts and feelings.  I traced and retraced every action, thought and motive looking for some way to blame myself for my beloved wife's death.  I was trying to make sense out of something that is completely out of my control.  You are not alone or crazy.  The shock of her death stayed with me for quite a long time.  It helped me to just write out all of these thoughts and feelings and seek help to make sense of this grief.  My prayers are with you for peace and comfort. You are on the right path. - Shalom 

[Rahn]

Wow Tom I am sorry that happened to you that way. I feel the deepest since of loss and i had the opportunity to say goodbye. Even that is never enough. I have only had one day in the 3 weeks since she died that i did not spend more time crying on the verge of panic than not. I can't say any more than sorry that happened.

[TomPB]

Thanks Rahn and all I can say is I know how you feel. Even my better days after 16 months will have a period of crying. Morning waking up without her is the worst but painful memories and thoughts can hit at any time. I hope you can find the path we all need, TomPB 

[widow'15]

Rahn:  So very sorry for your loss.

After three years I am still trying to solve my feelings of guilt.  I don't have answers for you, but after your having the opportunity to talk with your wife about your disagreements says a lot how much you two loved one another.

Your loss is so new right now.   I would guess managing to get through one day at a time, you will get to the place where you can forgive yourself.     

After spending four days in the hospital fighting an infection recovering from bladder cancer surgery, my husband was scheduled to come home the following day, (he had his bladder removed).  As luck would have it, my 2 adult kids and I spent the day dealing with some plumbing issues in my home.  After plumbers left, instead of going to see him that evening, I decided I would get some good sleep, go to my doctor's appointment the next morning then go to the hospital.  He was scheduled to be released the next day.  I asked my son if he would mind going to the hospital to see his Dad on his way home and he said he was planning to go anyway since he hadn't seen his Dad for a few days.  About that time, the phone rang and it was my husband asking about the plumbing issue and we were able to tell him, it was all taken care of.  I explained to him I was terribly exhausted and would he mind if I waited until the next morning after my doctor's appointment and then I'd be bringing him home.  He said of course, that would be fine and he loved me and would be happy to be coming home.   About an hour later, the phone is ringing and my son is sobbing, "Dad is having some kind of an attack".  My daughter and I jumped in her truck, got to the hospital as they were still trying to revive him, but to no avail.  Don't know if I ever will forgive myself for not being there with him.  I couldn't have changed the outcome, but I should have been there.
 

Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

[kayc]

11 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

It helped me to just write out all of these thoughts and feelings and seek help to make sense of this grief. 

I've found it helps to process this, I'm glad it was of help to you.  I'm not sure there is any making sense of all of this, even 13 years later...I've quit asking "why".

5 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Don't know if I ever will forgive myself for not being there with him.

I've heard it said their spirit often lingers a time afterwards so perhaps he knew you came.  I wish we could know.  They threw me out of the hospital ward when they were working on my husband with his last and final heart attack, they might have done the same with you.  He knew you loved and cared about him, his death didn't alter that, wherever they are, they know we love them.  (((hugs)))

[Margm]

Rahn, I have written this so much.  When I was typing for the hospitals a young couple were in there, the husband dying of leukemia.  They  found them with  him gone and her holding him like a baby.  I knew if that ever happened to us, I wanted to be holding him.  It was not time, it had only been five weeks, they said months and besides, I was going to have a miracle.  He reached out his hands to me like he had to give up...no, I was not going to let him leave.  I knocked his arms down.  I lay my head on the bed beside him, and he did not listen to me, he left anyhow.  

Cannot change things but nearly three years later I am putting some of our life under the microscope and what a useless thing to do.  We had 54 years and we were not always kind to each other.  I will say those last years, many years, I was married to my best friend and his words were "I am you and you are me" but sometimes I still pull that microscope out for things that happened and it is so senseless.  

I loved the man, he was the most important part of my world, he knew it.  We both did things wrong to each other, against each other, but that was forgiven, it should be forgotten, damn,  it hurts to be human sometimes.

[Gwenivere]

What a powerful post, Marg.  I, too, am often hit with times we struggled being unkind.  It was an evolution and separation that turned everything around that our last 20 years evolved into the best marriage ever.  We finally faced issues as they happened, no mincing of words and most importantly learned how to talk without getting defensive.  It was great knowing we could finally make problems short lived and not things we carried around as they festered and then have to diffuse.  And once settled, never brought up again.

Now it is problems of daily life with no help.  I miss him every day to talk about any and everything. I miss agreeing and disagreeing.  I hate the silence.  Even the neighborhood noise sounds odd to me.  A reminder life is going on for everyone else while time has warped for me.  I never knew a minute could be so long.

 

[iPraiseHim]

20 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Rahn:  So very sorry for your loss.

After three years I am still trying to solve my feelings of guilt.  I don't have answers for you, but after your having the opportunity to talk with your wife about your disagreements says a lot how much you two loved one another.

Your loss is so new right now.   I would guess managing to get through one day at a time, you will get to the place where you can forgive yourself.     

After spending four days in the hospital fighting an infection recovering from bladder cancer surgery, my husband was scheduled to come home the following day, (he had his bladder removed).  As luck would have it, my 2 adult kids and I spent the day dealing with some plumbing issues in my home.  After plumbers left, instead of going to see him that evening, I decided I would get some good sleep, go to my doctor's appointment the next morning then go to the hospital.  He was scheduled to be released the next day.  I asked my son if he would mind going to the hospital to see his Dad on his way home and he said he was planning to go anyway since he hadn't seen his Dad for a few days.  About that time, the phone rang and it was my husband asking about the plumbing issue and we were able to tell him, it was all taken care of.  I explained to him I was terribly exhausted and would he mind if I waited until the next morning after my doctor's appointment and then I'd be bringing him home.  He said of course, that would be fine and he loved me and would be happy to be coming home.   About an hour later, the phone is ringing and my son is sobbing, "Dad is having some kind of an attack".  My daughter and I jumped in her truck, got to the hospital as they were still trying to revive him, but to no avail.  Don't know if I ever will forgive myself for not being there with him.  I couldn't have changed the outcome, but I should have been there.
 

Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

widow'15

3 &1/2 years ago my wife died while I was out working.  I had been her caregiver for the last six years of her life because of the progressing disability of type 2 diabetes.  There were at last four times that I was able to help revive her due to low oxygen levels, sleep apnea, post surgery, etc...  I happened to be there to rescue her each time, by God's Grace.  But alas, I was not there when she died.  

I could blame myself and punish myself the rest of my life for this but what would it serve?  I needed to work to provide an income for us. We had telephones, etc... for communication and emergencies.  However, I had no control when or how my beloved wife died.  I would have sacrificed myself for her.

We celebrated 25 years of Valentines together and had the most wonderfully, fun, memory-stirring time recounting our lives together. I fixed her favorite dishes, and we had the best weekend.  Little did I know two days later she would die.  That fateful day was tragic, yet now I can remember so many more wonderful days and years we spent together, best friends, soulmates, and lovers.  I choose to remember and cherish the good moments in our shared lives together.

Your husband said... of course, that would be fine and he loved me and would be happy to be coming home.  I ask that you please stop "shoulding" yourself.  You don't need to punish yourself for loving your husband.   He didn't know he was going to pass and neither did you.  Consider forgiving yourself for being human.  ( spoken in love and empathy).  I forgive you. - Shalom

[widow'15]

Your words are very much appreciated and I thank you for each kind word and your forgiveness. 

You and your wife were fortunate to have had that wonderful last Valentine Day together to share your love with each other.    You have beautiful memories to be cherished.

I do feel blessed to know that my husband’s last words to me were that he loved me and I was able to tell him I loved him and good night, will see you in the morning.  I treasure those words and can still hear him saying it.  If only I could have a recording of those last words.  Dee

[TomPB]

Valentine's day...Susan put a lot of extra effort into being loving. On our last V-day, with no idea that she had only 6 weeks to live, she didn't just get me a card, she knitted me a heart. That's the kind of love I have to live without. Heart travels with me.