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Hi all, 

Firstly let me just say thankyou for everything you all do. You provide a fantastic forum for thought and support. 

I am looking for some advice and support. I met a girl approximately 6 months ago, and we dated for a little (2 months). I thought she was fantastic and we had a great time together, but she was very closed off at times. She appeared to be very distant at times and our initial spark died down and wore out. It was at this time that she shocked me by saying "I feel like you are not into this, and are not committed". I needed space at the time for exams and to think about this relationship, as it seemed to be not quite working so well and I was extremely stressed . She ended up messaging me during this period to tell me that she knew where we were headed and we should cease seeing each other. That also shocked me, but I also felt somewhat relieved to have the pressure off. This was her first ever relationship.

Over the coming month I began to reflect upon this encounter. We both really liked each other, and we shared so many common values- family, sense of humour, kindness etc. It appeared to have ended prematurely, so I contacted her. We discussed what had happened, agreed that we needed to open up more and agreed to begin seeing each other again. It was complicated by the fact that I have to move interstate the following year, but we agreed to take it as it came and see how it went. It took a couple of times, but it was absolutely wonderful. She opened up and began sharing herself more fully and I did the same. There were times when I felt however, that there may be something missing. However these were followed by wonderful times. Then, 4 weeks into this, she asked me "do you see a future with this". At the time, it was in the middle of the night, and I was exhausted, and answered "I am really enjoying hanging out and getting to know you, but I need more time to develop my feelings". She did not take this well, and we arranged to have a subsequent discussion. 

I assumed that she was asking me to commit and say it would work during an interstate relationship. I explained to her that this was not something i could tell her as it had been 4 weeks which wasn't enough time for me, but if it was a case of being exclusive I was happy. She reiterated that we'd known each other for 6 months, and my response didn't inspire confidence in her, and she needed more reassurance. As I sat there, I knew this was slipping away, but was reluctant to fight for it, as I'd already resurrected the relationship and was anxious not to lead her on or let her down. I am an anxious person, and was extremely anxious about mistreating her or being untrue to her or myself. 

She told me that this should end, and it did. 

I am absolutely gutted today, and perplexed. She asked me a question which I interpreted and attempted to give an honest answer to. What she said she wanted me to say was "let's be bf/gf, and see how this goes, no guarantees but we'll try". I would have been happy with that outcome, and so would she. But despite me expressing that, she maintained that my reaction gave her no reassurance, and she left. 

If I'm being true to myself, there were a few times I felt perhaps this was not the right thing for me, and perhaps I am just lonely, but she was beautiful, kind, lovely and perfect. Everything aligned, except the fact that she was anxious to gain commitment and felt insecure. This was reassurance that I could not provide, but am feeling baffled by how two people so good for each other could fail. When we weren't talking about "where are we" and "what are we" everything was perfect. But I felt forced, pressured and rushed to make a commitment that I feel as if I was going to get to by myself, and so I didn't fight for it. What we were wanting though, was essentially the same. But our communication and timing seemed to be on different pages. 

Is this (anxiety about commitment) really enough to ruin a somewhat-perfect relationship? I feel like I shouldn't contact her again as it has failed, do you agree? 

I feel absolutely devastated and low, but I also consider maybe she just wasn't the right person for me, or maybe the wrong time? Does my hesitancy to commit mean something?

These are all questions I'm grappling with right now, and the sadness and sense of waste that goes with seeing a beautiful girl pass you by because you can't give her enough reassurance. The sense of waste that comes with thinking you both wanted the same thing, and wondering why it didn't work. 

Any help would be greatly appreciately,

Sincerely,

Vanush

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To be quite honest, I would tell her what you have laid out here.  You have done a good job of expressing yourself here.  Sometimes when we have time to think, we can do a better job communicating than when we're caught "on the fly", that seems to be when you feel pressure, anxiety, and have a hard time conveying all you are feeling.  If she could understand that, she would do well to give you time to think and then respond.  I realize it's not as romantic, but sometimes it seems authentic is all the better!

In wanting to be honest and protect her from being misled, it seems it drove her away!  Not at all what you intended.  Maybe even print out what you've written here...

Good luck!  Everly Bros. had a song, "So sad to watch good love go bad"...so true!  Especially when it doesn't have to!

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That is so true. Thankyou, i think it may be too late. I have contacted her, but do not expect a response. I had the chance to think before I communicated with her initially, and I tried to be balanced and true to myself and her. My greatest regret right now, is I did not fully express that I was eager to be her bf. At the time, it felt forced, and I was hoping to come to the conclusion in my own time. I also wonder could I simply be regretting a decision that may turn out to be the correct one. 

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12 hours ago, Vanush said:

Hi all, 

Firstly let me just say thankyou for everything you all do. You provide a fantastic forum for thought and support. 

I am looking for some advice and support. I met a girl approximately 6 months ago, and we dated for a little (2 months). I thought she was fantastic and we had a great time together, but she was very closed off at times. She appeared to be very distant at times and our initial spark died down and wore out. It was at this time that she shocked me by saying "I feel like you are not into this, and are not committed". I needed space at the time for exams and to think about this relationship, as it seemed to be not quite working so well and I was extremely stressed . She ended up messaging me during this period to tell me that she knew where we were headed and we should cease seeing each other. That also shocked me, but I also felt somewhat relieved to have the pressure off. This was her first ever relationship.

Over the coming month I began to reflect upon this encounter. We both really liked each other, and we shared so many common values- family, sense of humour, kindness etc. It appeared to have ended prematurely, so I contacted her. We discussed what had happened, agreed that we needed to open up more and agreed to begin seeing each other again. It was complicated by the fact that I have to move interstate the following year, but we agreed to take it as it came and see how it went. It took a couple of times, but it was absolutely wonderful. She opened up and began sharing herself more fully and I did the same. There were times when I felt however, that there may be something missing. However these were followed by wonderful times. Then, 4 weeks into this, she asked me "do you see a future with this". At the time, it was in the middle of the night, and I was exhausted, and answered "I am really enjoying hanging out and getting to know you, but I need more time to develop my feelings". She did not take this well, and we arranged to have a subsequent discussion. 

I assumed that she was asking me to commit and say it would work during an interstate relationship. I explained to her that this was not something i could tell her as it had been 4 weeks which wasn't enough time for me, but if it was a case of being exclusive I was happy. She reiterated that we'd known each other for 6 months, and my response didn't inspire confidence in her, and she needed more reassurance. As I sat there, I knew this was slipping away, but was reluctant to fight for it, as I'd already resurrected the relationship and was anxious not to lead her on or let her down. I am an anxious person, and was extremely anxious about mistreating her or being untrue to her or myself. 

She told me that this should end, and it did. 

I am absolutely gutted today, and perplexed. She asked me a question which I interpreted and attempted to give an honest answer to. What she said she wanted me to say was "let's be bf/gf, and see how this goes, no guarantees but we'll try". I would have been happy with that outcome, and so would she. But despite me expressing that, she maintained that my reaction gave her no reassurance, and she left. 

If I'm being true to myself, there were a few times I felt perhaps this was not the right thing for me, and perhaps I am just lonely, but she was beautiful, kind, lovely and perfect. Everything aligned, except the fact that she was anxious to gain commitment and felt insecure. This was reassurance that I could not provide, but am feeling baffled by how two people so good for each other could fail. When we weren't talking about "where are we" and "what are we" everything was perfect. But I felt forced, pressured and rushed to make a commitment that I feel as if I was going to get to by myself, and so I didn't fight for it. What we were wanting though, was essentially the same. But our communication and timing seemed to be on different pages. 

Is this (anxiety about commitment) really enough to ruin a somewhat-perfect relationship? I feel like I shouldn't contact her again as it has failed, do you agree? 

I feel absolutely devastated and low, but I also consider maybe she just wasn't the right person for me, or maybe the wrong time? Does my hesitancy to commit mean something?

These are all questions I'm grappling with right now, and the sadness and sense of waste that goes with seeing a beautiful girl pass you by because you can't give her enough reassurance. The sense of waste that comes with thinking you both wanted the same thing, and wondering why it didn't work. 

Any help would be greatly appreciately,

Sincerely,

Vanush

Hi Vanush,

Personally, it seems as though she prematurely expected you to commit to a relationship to ease her own insecurity. You cannot rush these things and force them to turn into something and that's what it seems she tried to do. As you said it put you under anxiety, pressure and undue stress which is not fair to you. Commitment takes time and that is something you build and move toward together. You both need to be on the same page about what you want/expect from the beginning. It seems like you were not.

You mentioned this was her first relationship. While that's not a bad thing, as we've all had to start somewhere and everyone makes mistakes whether it's our first or 5th relationship. It seems like she doesn't know how to communicate her needs and doesn't know how to manage a relationship. She may also have those "relationship fantasy" goggles that a lot of girls/women get from Rom-Coms, but (hopefully) eventually realize that those "perfect relationships" are never going to happen IRL because they aren't real. She needs to be made aware of these things and encouraged to work on them.

Your hesitancy to commit isn't a bad thing because as you said, you weren't sure you wanted to from the start and she put pressure on you when you expressed that your feelings take more time to develop, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, where it becomes a problem is when you intentionally lead people on, lie, make promises and say things you don't intend to follow through on. You said yourself you were honest with her to avoid her being mislead and that is better than lying to her. Her reluctance to see things from your POV and understand that you didn't mean any harm in your words says to me that she expected you to give into her wants without respecting yours.

We all have flaws. Unless you're both willing to continuously work on yourself and your flaws (single or taken), these things will always cause issues in your relationships.

It doesn't seem like she communicated this to you whatsoever, she just expected it from you and then was upset when you showed some apprehension to make such a sudden, potentially life changing decision in an instant, and I don't think that was right of her to do. "Right/wrong timing" is a fallacy, but it seems that communication was lacking from both ends. This is just my opinion, but I feel like you are both infatuated by the idea of commitment and a relationship, and that she expected you to give her that when she sent mixed signals with the distancing herself at random and didn't take the time to get your perspective about how you felt. Feelings, love and commitment do not happen overnight, they are active choices once you initially choose to invest into a relationship.

My ex Tim and I dated in total for 20 months, our connection was instant and we both felt it, however, I did not expect him or myself to commit to a relationship within the first month of dating. Yes, we were in a relationship, but the choice to commit to each other was discussed before we moved anything further, it is something we both agreed to do because we both wanted it. He didn't tell me he loved me until about 6 months into our relationship because for some (including myself) that is not a word you use lightly and you don't say it to someone unless you truly mean it and, feelings aren't always instantaneous.

Sometimes, two good people bring out the worst in each other, and it just doesn't work out. It happens all the time. Just because you were attracted to each other and had things in common does not make you "right" for one another. Relationships don't just happen, they require work. It seems as though you both just expected things to fall into place naturally, but didn't really communicate from the start. What if you had been in a relationship for a few years and were in love, then one day she says "You're not committed to this" and leaves? You'd still be left with the same questions you have now, but the difference is you'd be invested and committed to her which would make it that much harder to let go.

Truthfully, you only dated for 8-12 weeks and within that short time frame you said the "spark" fizzled out, she was distant, there was no communication between you about where you wanted things to go and she put pressure on you to commit to something that she hadn't expressed she even wanted and that you weren't sure you even wanted. There was no real foundation for a relationship to be built upon. That's like building a house without a foundation or floor, yeah it might look nice from the outside, but how long is it going to last?

I think what you're doing now is putting her and the "relationship that could've been...if only..." on a pedestal and its making you stay stuck on the good times you did have instead of realizing you need to cut your losses, process your feelings and in time let things be so you can move forward. I know that probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but from what you've said, that seems like the best course of action. However, I do agree with KayC that what you've written here is concise and well put.

--Rae :)

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1 hour ago, Rae1991 said:

it seems that communication was lacking from both ends

Rae, I've know you to be wise and always read your responses to people.  You've learned much about relationships over the years.  I think you're right.  I can't help but feel this lady is immature in her concept of what a relationship is...that doesn't mean she's an immature person, that's not what I'm saying, but it sounds like she's idealized what it should be like...she wants the romance even when what it looks like might not be realistic.  We get those ideas from t.v. and novels.  But this here is a guy that is refreshingly honest, and if she would give it a chance, she would come to know him better and appreciate his honesty and how seriously he takes his commitments!  There is nothing wrong with a guy taking time to make sure before handing out a verbal commitment.  You wanted to make sure you didn't let her down...or yourself down.  

Honestly, I'd mail her a copy of what is in this thread as it's all been well expressed and you will either hear from her or you won't.  If you don't, she wasn't the one for you after all.  Don't beat yourself up for "what might have been"...it wasn't.  The potential existed, but only if you both put in the hard work and effort that it takes to make a relationship work.  Potential alone is not enough for it to pull through, it really does take a whole lot of effort.

I want to say, I had the perfect relationship with my husband.  From the beginning our communication was amazing, we clicked, we had faith in each other, we place great value on each other, starting as friends, and within months it "grew wings" as he put it.  (He has since passed away). It became my definition of what love looked like because I KNEW great love and this was it.  We balanced each other, I loved his personality (he reminded me of a dog wagging it's tail, he had so much exuberance and zest for life!), I loved his voice, his smell, the way he held me, everything about him!  Together we balanced each other and drew from each other's strengths.  Years ago I made the effort to try to find love again but no one came close and honestly, I'd rather live with my memories than "settle" for less than I had.  I didn't expect to find another George, I knew that wouldn't happen, but I didn't find anyone anywhere close to being right for me and have learned not to compromise what I want just to have someone.

You have shown yourself to be a thinking person, like my son.  He is a unique person, not naturally romantic or demonstrative, but the highest character qualities you can find.  And when he met "the one" he went out of his way to make effort to show love to her, even if it didn't come naturally to him.  He planned picnics in the wilderness, and showed her sights that had thralled him, he replaced her car with a good one so she wouldn't have car payments anymore.  He cooked for her, listened to her, opened up to her.  None of this came naturally to him, he hadn't dated much or had a previous relationship (unless you count the couple of months when he was 14).  But he not only got her, married her, but still does marvelous things for her.  He made her a piano bench that is beautiful!  They looked for and found the house they wanted and he took time off work and hired some youngsters to help him move into the house and surprised her with it on her birthday!  She didn't have to do any "moving" work, it was all set up and he told her he'd change anything she wanted.  These kinds of things are lifelong...they aren't just to get or attract someone, and they've both done their stints getting up at night with the kids, etc.  It is extreme caring about someone and showing it.  What you are talking about is the beginning of a relationship...but it takes life long effort to keep the love bank full.  Even if someone isn't a romantic, it can be done.  I'm a practical person, efficient, I see to it the bills get paid and chores get done...my George was a romantic, he would make sure our chores got done so he'd have more time with me on the weekend.  We both worked at it.  You can have that too, but not with this lady if she doesn't want to try.  For her to give up on you at this early stage shows she doesn't recognize what is worth waiting for OR she doesn't think you are "the one".  If that's the case, keep looking, you'll find it eventually, and when you do, it's worth all of the effort.

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Thank you, KayC!

I am a practical person as well, I don't like grandiose gestures/declarations of love (even as a teenager) and I made both of my exes aware of this. Joe was a romantic too, but it worked for us because we met each other in the middle and would show each other affection in ways that were comfortable and familiar to us both. Tim was similar to me in that he wasn't very outwardly romantic (maybe its just his emotional unavailability, but who knows). We still found and developed ways to show affection and gratitude for each other like cooking together, going to the gym, etc.

I learned a lot after my engagement ended, losing loved ones, a few rounds of therapy, a couple casual "relationships" that were just convenient, my experiences with Tim and the fallout from that. And since then, have been able to look at my friends relationships and my past ones with more objectivity and clarity, something I wasn't able to do while in the muck of wading through break-ups, constant uncertainty, fear and sadness.

I try not to make Joe and I's relationship the standard I go by, but there are elements of it that I haven't found anywhere else, and probably never will. We started out very similarly to what you and George had and we put in effort, but we were young, inexperienced and ultimately grew apart as we grew up. He showed me what love really looks like, even if it doesn't last forever. And, love certainly isn't all that fairytale nonsense from the Notebook, real love is better than that. While I know I won't be alone forever, I am not going to settle just to have company.

:)

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Thanks so much to both of you, your input was fantastic. I think, in hindsight, it just wasn't the right person and/or the right time. I think I was doing the natural psychological strategy of putting it up on a pedestal. As hard as it is to swallow, it is important to hold out, because I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship I cannot give my all to. 

Thankyou to all of you

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What particularly resonated with me Rae, was your point that just because two people are attracted to each other, doesn’t make them right for each other. I discussed at length with her last night, and we both agreed that it kept coming to a roadblock in our relationship. In many ways we were so similar, maybe even too similar, in that our lives were undergoing a state of flux. I am away from my family, but she is with hers here so either way it would have worked out that one of us would have had to be away from their family. I appreciate you telling me “what I might not have wanted to hear”, because it was the truth. 

Kayc you are absolutely right about not settling for someone for just company. I have been in a relationship before where no matter the circumstances it felt right, and I wanted to see that person. This was not the case here. It is devastating and sad, but ultimately the right decision. There is so much to be learnt in these situations, but the pursuit of love takes a heavy toll nonetheless 

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I hope you find your person!

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Thankyou!

I was wondering if I could ask one more question?

 I find it hard to step outside myself and interpret my own feelings. The relationship came to an amicable end last week. As it was, a voice in my head kept telling me to push on, but I was highly cognisant of the fact that we had gone apart and come together 3 times now. The circumstances were complicated by being from different states, but I gather that the right relationship doesn't feel like this?

What is leaving me perplexed now, is the feeling of sadness and of missing her, although I had to be the one to bring it to an end. When I think of her, I see a beautiful, caring, amazing woman who in many ways is perfect. Each time we got back together it was heralded by a month of an amazing time, followed by the inevitable gut feeling of "this just doesn't feel right" or some boredom. I worry that this feeling was unduly influenced by external pressures (moving, being from different states), and yet I could never shake it. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, as when we were together it didn't feel like she was the one, and yet she was so perfect, on paper, and this serves to accentuate the feeling of missing her. 

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If she was perfect for you, it would have felt that way a month in, etc. regardless of distance.  My husband and I met through writing letters (I'd written a letter to the editor and he'd looked up my contact information and wrote to me, it continued back and forth until we finally talked on the phone).  We clicked.  Our communication was amazing.  We could relate to each other.  Meeting in person was just all the more wonderful.  Nothing changed that, it just continued to grow.  We started out as friends, and as he put it, it "grew wings".  We had a wonderful marriage, we were very happy with each other, respectful to one another, supportive, encouraging, loving.  Then he died.  Even death has not altered how I feel about him and it's been 13 years since he died.

My other relationships were not this way.  Usually in the first six months of a relationship you have what is called the "honeymoon stage".  Then it loses some of its spark, or you begin to see things.  I'd say you have to make it past the honeymoon stage before you can judge how it really is.  And a long distance relationship will affect whether it prolongs the honeymoon stage, because you don't see each other on a day by day existence.  You have to spend sufficient time with each other, otherwise how can you know the quirks, the habits, the routines of the other?  How can you know compatibility?  

When you break up it's important to give yourself sufficient time to break the drug habit of the relationship.  When we're "in love" it can be like a drug to us, we have to give it enough time to make it through withdrawal, even the pain of missing them.  After a few months have gone by, the habit patterns you established with that person have had time to break and be gotten over.  You may still care about the person but you see with more clarity.  

It's easier then to know, really know what you had.

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On 9/8/2018 at 7:07 PM, Vanush said:

Thankyou!

I was wondering if I could ask one more question?

 I find it hard to step outside myself and interpret my own feelings. The relationship came to an amicable end last week. As it was, a voice in my head kept telling me to push on, but I was highly cognisant of the fact that we had gone apart and come together 3 times now. The circumstances were complicated by being from different states, but I gather that the right relationship doesn't feel like this?

What is leaving me perplexed now, is the feeling of sadness and of missing her, although I had to be the one to bring it to an end. When I think of her, I see a beautiful, caring, amazing woman who in many ways is perfect. Each time we got back together it was heralded by a month of an amazing time, followed by the inevitable gut feeling of "this just doesn't feel right" or some boredom. I worry that this feeling was unduly influenced by external pressures (moving, being from different states), and yet I could never shake it. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, as when we were together it didn't feel like she was the one, and yet she was so perfect, on paper, and this serves to accentuate the feeling of missing her. 

From my perspective, this happened with Tim and I too. Tim was perfect...on paper. Our chemistry was amazing, and so was our relationship....until his dad died and his true colors began to show. After that, even though I tried my hardest to be there for him, I started to get the same feelings of "this just doesn't feel right" after he started playing me hot n cold, emotionally distancing himself and then ghosting me and then eventually tried to reconcile 3 months later, only to have it be great for about 2 months and then he disappeared again. The entire 2 months I couldn't shake the feeling of it not feeling right and the fear that he'd do it again...and my gut was right, because he did do it again.

What kept me hanging on was that I had fallen in love with the representative/idea of Tim and I missed that, not who Tim actually was. Again, on paper he was perfect, caring, loving and seemingly everything I could want in a partner and we had amazing chemistry....until the real Tim showed up. This was what kept me missing him for months after and made it easy for him to coerce me into working things out. I was missing the good times, the love and the memories while neglecting to remember what he had done was unforgivable and that going back to him would not fix the damage he had done or the gut feelings I began to get that something was off and not right.

In your case, trust your gut. It is okay to miss her, and the relationship, but you need to remember that the feelings of things being off and boredom after only a few weeks will not go away when you get back with her. They will only intensify and grow worse with time if you stay together longer. You said in an earlier post that within 3 months, that "spark" and chemistry had began to fade rapidly and you weren't able to get it back regardless of how many times you broke up and got back together, it never lasted long. Even in this post, you said you didn't feel like she was the one. Yes, she's perfect on paper, but perfect on paper and a good partner for you IN REAL LIFE are not the same things. Its quite obvious communication was lacking and there were other issues that would not have gone away with time. You were attracted to one another, but again, attraction does not mean you are meant to be together, you are compatible or that your relationship will work. Attraction and compatibility are not the same thing.

You can be attracted to someone, but not be compatible with them. It happens all the time. Be glad that in your case, this was discovered early and you did the right thing by cutting it off early instead of ignoring the signs and pushing forward with a relationship that was doomed from the start. You did what you felt was best for both of you, and in doing so, spared yourself and her years of damage, heartache, hurt and an eventual break-up. There are too many people that see these signs, ignore them and end up ruining and/or wasting years of their lives in dead-end, unhealthy relationships because they so badly wanted to be in love. But here's the thing: a relationship like that--one built out of desperation and loneliness, is not a loving one at all. Let this be a lesson to you, there's a silver lining in it. When you do meet someone you see/want a future with, you will be grateful you didn't lose that potential into this relationship.

--Rae

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Thanks Rae, this experience sounds so similar. The heart and mind can really tease you and make you sad at times. My rational brain knows it wasnt the right thing. Yet a part of me wonders if I can be compatible with anyone, given how lovely etc she was. I can only live in hope I suppose. I have been on a date since, and when I realised it wasnt going anywhere and not as compatible (as the girl I've described), I felt a deep sadness set in. I think perhaps it is time to take some time off from all this and await some healing perhaps 

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3 hours ago, Vanush said:

Thanks Rae, this experience sounds so similar. The heart and mind can really tease you and make you sad at times. My rational brain knows it wasnt the right thing. Yet a part of me wonders if I can be compatible with anyone, given how lovely etc she was. I can only live in hope I suppose. I have been on a date since, and when I realised it wasnt going anywhere and not as compatible (as the girl I've described), I felt a deep sadness set in. I think perhaps it is time to take some time off from all this and await some healing perhaps 

Vanush,

Take some time off from dating/searching for a relationship, even if its just 3-6 months. Continuing to date in the headspace that you're in will only lead you deeper into a state of sadness as it seems you're using dating to try and move on from her. When the feelings and sadness are still raw, it isn't a good idea. I tried dating again within a couple months of Tim and I's final break-up, and it was devastating for me. My friends meant well in trying to hook me up with guys or encouraging me to go on dates, but it only made me cry more, miss Tim more and dig deeper into my pit of sadness. I felt that same well of sadness get deeper every time these guys were not compatible (and none of them were).

I haven't actively dated in nearly three years, and truthfully, I've accomplished more in that time than I ever did in a relationship. I've been asked out and chatted with guys only to find myself uninterested or immediately aware they were only looking for a hook-up, or we just didn't mesh well so I cut it off and moved along. I no longer need the validation of a relationship to feel good about myself because I began doing the necessary work I needed to do to be successful and fulfilled on my own, something I had never done before and was terrified to do for many years....until I was left with two choices: continue being miserable and unsatisfied in dating, life and at my job while repeating the same mistakes over and over OR learn to build the life I want, fill the void myself and do the work I need to do to be successful. The former is the easiest and most common path people choose for whatever reason, but the latter is the path you NEED.

Now I am not saying you have to do what I did, but taking a hiatus will be good for you. It will give you perspective, clarity and you'll be better equipped to walk away from a situation that doesn't suit you or is toxic for you with your head held high. You'll also be better equipped to face and deal with the toxic or unhealthy qualities within yourself and recognize them in others. You'll have the foresight to see a bad situation and instead of getting involved, taking a step back and then walking away. The world already has enough drama in it, no need to create more or get involved in it. A lot of people tend to create drama or get involved with it to run away from their problems, I began to notice this in others and in myself when I stopped focusing so much on finding a date/boyfriend. You've got time, no need to rush.

--Rae :)

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Agreed.  I've learned to value myself and build my own life and unless I find someone worthy of my dating, I won't go there...it's been eight years off for me and honestly, I'm quite okay with that.  Not saying you need to take that long, I'm older, that does factor in, but at least take a year or two, spend it on yourself.

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