Grief removes all guard rails

[Margm]

I think there are eight apartments in this complex that have fireplaces.  Mine is one of them, but I took it because it was the first to come open.  The last two houses we had had fireplaces with electric fans (of some sort) that would blow the heat into the house.  You could build a huge fire in them though and somehow, if the electricity went off, without that electric apparatus, you just as well have a steel wall in front of you  because they would not keep the house warm.  In New Mexico, my brother-in-law put one log in the wood burning heater and it kept the room warm all night.  I have not lit a fire in this fire place here, we have central heat, and probably if I had Billy, I might, but I don't without him.  Funny/odd/ironic/sad how some things make you remember, "we were going to get a place with a wood burning stove."  That sort of hit me the other night in questioning my granddaughter about the future and she mentioned "dreams."  That made me remember, we still had dreams, but now they are called memories.  

[TomPB]

Suddenly very cold in Boston. Wore my winter coat, which Susan bought me of course, for the first time. Got my window AC out yesterday and finally shut a window that would not close with help of a friend. So I'm buttoned up nicely, but I'd rather be warm in the cold snuggling with Susan. Even the bedding brings memories. "Oh yeah, we slept under that in 1982" sort of thing. Susan kept a big plastic bag of the bedding we took sailing. She'd always fix up the vee-berth (the "bedroom" in the bow) beautifully. In a discussion of "what is the most romantic place in the Caribbean" I said "the vee berth". Heartbreaking to look at it now. We always joined our sailing club for an expensive cruising boat. Now there's no one to cruise with so I'll downgrade to a daysailor next year.

I can be OK when I focus on the moment, but I can drown in infinite memories when I think of what is lost. I can go from OK to crying anytime and anyplace. Well, maybe not anyplace - at least I haven't ever broken down in front of my students. Was close in early days but meditation saved me.

[Gin]

Tom,. It sure is hard.  I absolutely can not do some things that Al and I used to do.  Like going to plays.  We used to go at least once or twice a week.  Never been to another since Al is not with me.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Marg M said:

That made me remember, we still had dreams, but now they are called memories.  

So well said, Marg.  I miss dreams.  Memories are like trying to live off fast food when your used to home cooked meals.  Drinking warm instead of cold water.  Watching reruns instead of new episodes.  And the changes that sometimes have to be made erase times of a happy past.  I hate having simpler devices because Steve liked fancy gadgets.  Not that I liked complicated, but I had him to make fun of me to call him to fix things.  Now I do, but 'hey, Steve' was much easier.  No dreams live here anymore.  On,y one I can’t have.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

if the electricity went off, without that electric apparatus, you just as well have a steel wall in front of you  because they would not keep the house warm

Ahh but I have a new Blaze King and it keeps the whole house warm even with no fan.  My son has the same one in his large two story house, it heats it nicely because he positioned it in a central location where it flows everywhere.  It really makes a difference what kind you get.  And it uses much less wood!  I only check it every 12 hours and could probably get away with 24.

10 hours ago, TomPB said:

Suddenly very cold in Boston. Wore my winter coat, which Susan bought me of course, for the first time. Got my window AC out yesterday and finally shut a window that would not close with help of a friend.

I just got my flowers put up so they won't get snowed on (they line my patio)...they aren't real, they're silk, but beautiful, I had all the fall colors.  My kids make fun of them but I enjoy the colors, have been doing this for years.  George and I used to grow our own, we had a bumper crop the summer before he died.  We enjoyed sitting out there with them.  I rarely sit out there anymore. 

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Now I do, but 'hey, Steve' was much easier.

No kidding!  It sure WAS easier having them take care of things.  I really hate being the only one to decide everything, do everything, figure everything out, and pay for everything too!

[Gwenivere]

Laying here in the ER once again wondering why I can’t breathe since dropping cigs and on the patch and lozenges.  anxiety ramped up that I am here, again without Steve and worried about my furry kids.

Home now.  All tests OK.  Most the doc could figure was the nicotine change.  I was getting more oxygen than I was used to so my scarred lungs have to work harder.  He says they have had numerous cases of people quitting winding up there for shortness of breath.  I didn’t know what I was going to do today, but I wasn’t planning on this.  

Im so tired of coming home to this emptiness.  Dogs love ya, but after mine were fed they went their own way.  I had to unpack when I got here too.  Being alone I take anything I might need if admitted now.  Been down that road before and no chargers, a brand med as the generic doesn’t work, change of underwear. All things you could ask your partner to get.  

To me it’s another ripple in the grief ocean.  They just keep rolling in.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I am having to have physical therapy on my left knee to keep from having an arthroscopy.  Pain pills will kill me.  The man physical therapist is so gentle with me but he puts me through the motions and I did learn I cannot use the elliptical anymore.  Can use the sit down bicycle.  My favorite.  The girl PT today was not so easy on me.  Brianna said "Mamol I have not heard you bitch so much about hurting in my life."  Well............that's all I can do is bitch about it.  

Then I went to our annual class Christmas party Saturday and they took my picture talking to one of my long ago friends weighing at least 90 pounds.  OMGosh.  I really don't look at myself.  I had hog jowls.  I didn't know that.  If Billy was here I would not have gained it, even with this stupid diet, and also I would not have so much weight on my short legs with my big behind.  

I keep thinking about Eleanor Roosevelt talking about looking fear in the face and I wonder just how many times we have had to do that and always before it was everyday things and now it is just full on "fear in the face."  But we keep doing it.  Hang in there girl, we got this.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Laying here in the ER once again wondering why I can’t breathe since dropping cigs and on the patch and lozenges.  anxiety ramped up that I am here, again without Steve and worried about my furry kids.

Home now.  All tests OK.  Most the doc could figure was the nicotine change.  I was getting more oxygen than I was used to so my scarred lungs have to work harder. 

Gwen:  Sorry your were in ER again and know you must be somewhat relieved you are home in spite of being alone in such a time.  Interesting that giving up nicotine can be such an ordeal on the body.  I understand the withdrawal, but to think your lungs having to work harder can be an issue.  Please know you are in my thoughts as you get over this hurdle.   Dee

[kayc]

Wow, I never thought about how quitting would affect your lungs...I just assumed it'd be for the better!  I'm glad you're back home, Gwen, and dogs or no dogs, it has to be better than the ER!

Marg, I gained weight after George died too, initially I lost but then I think I ate to comfort myself.  I know he'd love me anyway and if he was here I'd be all about trying to get it off for good.  It's just hard to do when you're an emotional eater.  I wish Prism (weight loss) was still around, I could do it with their support group, I liked that plan better than any others I've tried.  If I had a partner on Keto I think I might be able to do it, but to actually clear the house out of all the stuff I can't have on my own seems hard.  I have to admire George (iPraiseHim) and my son, they've done it on their own.  My son really has had an uphill journey with it because his wife and kids are there eating stuff he can't have in front of him or sometimes not leaving him the stuff he CAN have!  But he's done it, he's persevered, what discipline!

[Widowedbysuicide]

So sorry Gwen.

[Kieron]

23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

To me it’s another ripple in the grief ocean.  They just keep rolling in.  

Sorry for this additional ripple, Gwen.  But what an apt metaphor you shared!  That's exactly how it is for me.

[Gwenivere]

I feel I am losing my mind.  Another wave crashes to create more ripples, big ones.  Been fighting for my health coverage and came home to a message from my insurance that made no sense so had to message the tax exchange for help.   Could feel my anxiety again going into overdrive.  I’m in the middle of two large companies with no power.  I told them I was ready to shoot myself.  What did they want me to do?  This isn’t my area of expertise or my job.  I just want to pay my premiums and be done with it.  My insurance company already screwed up once cancelling me by mistake early in November.  I discovered it and they fixed it for this year.  One place says they have supplied the info, they other keeps saying they haven’t gotten it.  Do they think I am some wizard that can help them?  It’s at times like these I so miss Steve to calm me down.  This on top of the pain, smoke quit and holidays. I know, I know, I’m repeating myself there, but I have to keep reminding myself why I’m not handling things well.  I miss being a Super Gwen.  Ripping these people apart on the phone rather than sounding like a defeated minion.  I hate how weak grief can make one feel.  How it saps what little energy you have to squeak by for these stupid blunders. I need to eat, play with my dogs, sleep and have what little a life I have.  I can hardly eat.  It’s almost too much to open cans and use the microwave.  I’m sick of it being dark at 4pm.  Holiday shoppers, TV ads, shows and all the other things I used to love just make me bristle with resentment.  I want to crawl into bed and never wake up.  I want to cry but it changes nothing.  Just another vent.  I’m sure it’s the smoking thing, but I’m angry all the time it seems.  I miss enjoying anything.  

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

One place says they have supplied the info, they other keeps saying they haven’t gotten it.

Oh God, I went through that, I'm so sorry, not fun!  Tell them to supply it again.  As many times as it takes.  It took me literally MONTHS to get satisfaction!  I lost count of the phone call.s  I filed an appeal.  Sometimes it just takes getting one person who gives a rip and does their job.  Until then we have to fight through all the bad apples.    Makes me wonder if they're TRYING to drive us over the edge!

Oh Gwen, my heart goes out to you, I also hate it getting dark so early, I wish they hadn't changed time, that the days were longer.  I hate winter closing in on us, going through the cold, the bad roads, being stuck here, all of it.  And you're dealing with so much more, I can't imagine...but I care.

[widow'15]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sick of it being dark at 4pm.  Holiday shoppers, TV ads, shows and all the other things I used to love just make me bristle with resentment.  I want to crawl into bed and never wake up.  I want to cry but it changes nothing.  Just another vent.  I’m sure it’s the smoking thing, but I’m angry all the time it seems.  I miss enjoying anything.  

Gwen:  So sad you have to endure the insurance company run around game.  I am surprised you were able to get a real person to talk to.  Seems anymore all that is available to one is a recorded voice repeating a multitude of options telling one to push #1, etc.   Am hoping you can get this issue settled soon.

I second your complaint of it being dark at 4 pm.  The Pacific NW has been sunny recently but it is reaching the low 30's and 20's during the night which drives my achy bones crazy.  I hesitate to complain to my doctor too much or she will prescribe some pain pill that will have worse side affects.

If you need to vent - please do.  As you can see from everyone's remarks, you are in our thoughts.  Hope you can feel our support.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for the support.  Got an invoice in my mail to send the premium by 1st of January.  I am going to follow this up by phone tomorrow considering the mess it was.  Come to find I am locked out of my dental website and instructions given me to fix it didn’t work.  More phone calls.  Kay, I only got to real people by gong thru lots of menus and saying no to all options so they sent me to a rep.  It was still tedious and annoying.  The worst is if you get cut off mid conversation and have to start all over.  

Saw my doc today, got permission to up my anxiety meds considering everything going on.  I went and checked out a book on quitting smoking my support group and celebs like Ellen endorse.  Sat and read about my path of using replacements and it depressed me so I didn’t buy it.  It was hard core cold turkey and saying it’s not that bad.  Feh.  I’m lower than I ever have been and it’s hell.  Might work for many,, but I’m gonna stick with my decision.  I’ve read so many other things saying I have a better chance this way.  

My doc was great as she knows this is a very hard time of year.  So many med problems, but she said let’s get you thru the holidays and a better footing on smoking, that’s enough to deal with.  The office was dripping in Christmas stuff, a contest between all the offices for a free pizza lunch.  I’m hoping it’s all gone in a month when I go back. I so miss Steve and being an elf.  I can’t even be a grinch because he is associated with Christmas!  I guess I’ll be Oscar the grouch.  Live in my little grief can and scowl at all the revelers.  Steve’s death stole so much of life.  I’m buying one present this year for my therapist.  A foam wheelchair pillow that helps sitting not be so painful as we both groan getting up from back and hip pain.  Anyone else got pick up sticks all over the house?  I’m up to 3 now.  

[KarenK]

Trying to be a little less grinchy this year, in between trips to the dentist. Have managed to keep the 3 bottom front very loose teeth along with the 4th broken one in my head so far. Dentist is waiting until January to present the estimate for the removal of teeth and the dentures to the insurance so they will pay more of the cost. Was eating a burger two nights ago, heard a crunch, and one of the top teeth that was supposed to be a keeper had broken off at the gum. So I went in today and he filed off the jagged edges to try and wait until next year to pull it unless it gets too painful. Going through a bit of the insurance mess like you are Gwen. They have twice denied a claim from October because of coding so I'm on round 3 of having the dentist resubmit. The big difference is that I'm not fighting the constant pain and smoking cessation that you are. Not sure I could do that.

I put up my little tree, wreath, and a few Christmas bears. I even put up a good sized porcelain Santa, sleigh, and reindeer on a card table covered with a lace tablecloth. I also put out my angel carousel which only partially works. It is old and not worth getting fixed but I keep it because Ron bought it for me. That's just a "smidgin" of the 20 boxes of Christmas stuff I refuse to let go of, although I've downsized from 37 boxes. Got comforters and sheets for the guys and that's about it for Christmas, but at least it's something. Not fighting the Christmas shopping mess except to return a purse I really don't need.

I hope upping your meds brings you some relief, Gwen. Being Oscar is okay. At least you have a nice metal roof over your head for the dreary weather.

[kayc]

I actually made Grinch Christmas cards a couple years ago.  They didn't go over well.  It was always one of my favorite specials, but then I love Dr. Seuss.

Gwen, I've gone through it too many times, getting "validated", pressing this number, that number, you go through it for 20 minutes, they transfer you, you do it all over again, three times, then get disconnected so you have to start all over again, that after a wasted half hour!  I feel gypped, I worked in offices for 45 years, took care of everyone, where is MY customer service now that it's my turn?!  Gone.  That is a relic of the past.

Karen, I went to the dentist yesterday too...120 mile round trip...nearly lost my life several times on Hwy 126 and Hwy 58!  People are crazy behind the wheel!  A little trick with a broken tooth...if air gets in and causes pain, while you're waiting getting in to the dentist, put orthodontic wax in it, it temporarily seals it so no air gets in causing you pain.  Wow, 20 boxes of Christmas stuff?  I think mine is only four and I have plenty!  Nope, I'm not shopping either, I ordered my grandkids a trampoline on line, to be delivered to their place, giving my kids money and my sister Peggy a non-slip mat for her shower and sending someone to her home to cut her hair.  No one else wants to do Christmas presents this year, keeps it simple!

 

[KarenK]

Dang! Kay,

My trips to anywhere I normally roam take about 10 minutes. Living in the big city does have a few advantages, just not the beauty that you have.

For years and years, we had a big tree and I decorated every nook and cranny in the family room and kitchen. Used to move all the Kachinas and collectibles into the living room(which we never used) to clear space for the decorations. Can't do that now because that room is my son's bedroom. My poor house is 1500 sq. ft. of "stuff". My grandson's bedroom is Ron's old gun room, barely enough room for a bed and chest of drawers. The spare bedroom is crammed full of camping stuff, Christmas boxes and Robert's boxes from his move. Even if I had the energy or desire to decorate more, I couldn't. I think as time passes by, I just "honor" Christmas rather than "celebrating" it. Just can't bring myself to celebrate much of anything.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Karen you mentioned Kachinas.  Are these sport dolls?  My much loved mare who is gone now was named Kachina De Chelly.  I was told her name meant spirit of the canyon De Chelly.

She was my support through troubled and painful times.  I'm interested in learning more about Kachinas.  I miss her terribly.  I had to have her euthanized in September '17.

[KarenK]

Marita,

Kachinas are hand carved Native American dolls created by the Hopi, Navajo, and Zuni craftsmen. Each one is unique and carved  to represent an animal such as wolf or owl or  immortal beings such as Corn Mother or Sun God, for example. They are said to be messengers between us and the spirit world. Not sure if any other tribes do this work, but the Hopi craftsman do the finest and most expensive ones here in Arizona. The Hopi reservation is a tiny one and sits smack dab in the middle of the large Navajo reservation. Not sure how that came about. All my Kachinas are Hopi which I purchased from the craftsman. Used to have 30 of them, but had to sell many so am down to a dozen. They are carved from the Cottonwood root and stand an average of 8" to 20"  high, although the size is limited only by the artist. Somewhere around this messy house, I have a book about them which I will gladly send to you if I can find it. Living in Arizona for over 60 years, I have collected a lot of Native American pottery and hand painted drums, along with the Kachinas. I treasure each piece.

Your Kachina De Chelly was beautiful. I'm so sorry it was necessary to let her go. Canyon De Chelly is in northern Arizona. I hiked it once as a teenager in the summer with a church group. Beautiful, but remember it was a tough hike because the youth leaders didn't bring water and it was hot and dusty.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you for the information Karen.  I was aware of the Hopi but now I will research it better.  

I have friends in Arizona right now.  They are their with their horses at an area where they do a lot of roping.  I believe they are near Casa Grande.  I'm looking after their house and animals here.  3 horses and a cat is all I have this year.  In past years it's been up to 7 horses and two dogs along with the old barn cat.

I hope you had sunshine today and that some comfort found its way into your heart. 

[Gwenivere]

Was back in the ER again today.  Unspecified shortness of breath and feeling faint so time I got a bonus CT for a possible embolism. There wasn’t.   I was later getting out but decided I deserved MacDonalds.  Had a coupon for a free Sammie with a bought one so the furry kids get a treat too.   My fav doc there (I have been in there so many times and the wristbands in my hospital bag I’ve yet to count) said it was probably the smoking cessation again.  Got to make household calls while awaiting my fate.  

I don’t know how to accept all this.  I’m not sure I can make volunteering tomorrow for how I was twisted and turned.  I had the good fortune to have to park in the overflow lot quite a trek away too.  

I want my partner.  Even little things like seeing other patients have their spouse pick them up at the door made me feel like a ghost.  I guess that’s what I have become.  So I took some Xanax and will see what tomorrow brings when I so want our shared life back that wil never be.   I feel I loved him too deeply.  Like I had a choice.  😩

[KarenK]

Gwen,

Are you still on the oxygen full time? I'm sorry, but I don't get the shortness of breath being caused by the cessation of smoking. What's the point of giving up smoking? It's like the pills doctors give everyone for various ailments that then require other pills to counter the side effects of the first pills. Just a vicious merry-go-round.

I get short of breath if I walk very fast or far or when cleaning house. I chalk it up to the COPD. Do you have a handicap plate or tag for your car? I have one because  of the COPD. They are a blessing for parking.

Hope you are having a better evening

[Gwenivere]

I use oxygen when sitting and sleeping.  I’m tired of dragging a tube around.  Lots of reasons to give it up now that I’m in my 60’s after 40 years.  Strokes, heart attacks, etc.  I do have a placard but for my back problems.  It does help at some places.  I often park farther out to get some needed but painful exercise

iI guess the shortness of breath is common,  both ER docs were quite familiar with it.  All I know is it was scary when I felt faint so I got a bonus CT this time.  Thought there might be an embolism, but there wasn’t.  

[kayc]

Gwen, I hope you can make your volunteering, I know how important it is to you, but even if not, maybe in a few days you'll be more up to it.  Gosh, girl, you have just been through too much!  My friend, Jim, is back in the hospital with CHF, getting his medication back in him, bless the hospital's heart, they got him back on health insurance after the gov't dropped the ball.  

I'm glad embolism isn't an issue for you, Gwen, and I hope your doggies loved their treat!  Sometimes that's really the highlight of my life, making my animals happy. Gosh and you too, Karen, also going through COPD.  Nobody warned me what old age was really going to look like!

Marita, thank you for sharing the picture, it's good to see you with your horse, so hard when they're gone.