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Sometimes I write my word salads, go back and read them and just delete.  My feelings sometimes are like anesthesia, not asleep, but no feeling, just automatic movement, no thinking.  My  heart is with all that are suffering.  I've lived too long, seen too much.  

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We haven't heard from you much lately, Marg, I hope everything is okay?

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About like everyone else, not sure of anything.  Need some "me" time but see everyone with "me" time and not sure "me" is what I want.   Just same old, same old.

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Well, as luck would have it, I’ve caught a cold.  Really concerned as that is what landed me in the hospital last summer.  I’m hoping the no smoking saves me from even needing antibiotics as I usually get bronchitis.  Taking my eldest dog to the vet Friday as she is having tremors and my cousin, the dog whisperer, says she thinks it’s pain.  I do too because she comes and stares at me looking like she wants help.  The cold made counseling a phone session and those are not very fulfilling.  I won’t be able to volunteer tomorrow.  I feel like a leper. Up until after New Years week, everything is out of sync.  I don’t don’t do well with that.  I have to get out everyday to get some perspective.  Be among the living even if they annoy me.  Feel a small part of the world which is easy to not if I stay holed up here.  So many things I would like to do but can’t from limitations.  There’s an inner anger simmering all the time.  Sleep is getting worse thinking of all the changes.  And as always, I come back to if he were here how these life things would be so much easier to handle if I could relax because we shared the burdens.  When we were together the world was optional.  Ours was just dandy.  We even had a system about colds and didn’t get the other sick.  Just babbling.  Wish he were going to the vet with me.  We miss big strong dad.  He was calming for all of us.  If only Santa was real.

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I'm sorry, Gwen, rotten timing leading up to the holidays, to be stranded in with a cold, not to mention how it makes you feel.  I don't know if you like to read or not, but I'd be huddled on the couch with a quilt and a good book, maybe some hot cider.

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I don’t know what I am going to do leading up to Christmas.  This cold is getting the better of me and I have to keep reminding myself everyone feels awful when they are sick.  This isn’t just grief and the smoking withdrawl.  I sure miss being super woman,  tomorrow is vet day for my dog and I am very nervous.  At almost 14 I have many concerns.  It’s also supposed to be very rainy and windy.  She’ll be scared as always so that bleeds onto me.  I nixed taking the youngin in for her vaccination as 2 scared dogs was too much.  She goes Monday.  I so miss Steve to wring our hands with regarding tiomorrow..  those are some of the guardrails I so miss.  I could use one to lean on right now.  I nice warm, tall Nd blue eyed one.

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I hope all goes well with your dog, Gwen.  I understand, Arlie will soon turn 11 and that's getting up there for such a big dog, especially with his condition, but so far he's doing well considering.  I hope your dog does okay going in.

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