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Gwenivere

Grief removes all guard rails

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, been going through the wind storms too, I not only pick up all the branches on my place but the ones on the street so no one gets one stuck on the under side of the car, doing damage to it.  None of the neighbors seems to be inclined to help me so I consider it my mission to clear the road of debris as the county rarely shows their faces.  We've had a LOT of wind storms lately!  My burn pile is as big in one week as it was from the whole year previous!  And that was more than usual.  Someone clear-cut the property at the end of the street so it all whips up through the canyon, roaring down our street, creating havoc in it's path.  Now the same people have their house up for sale and will leave us with what they've done for US to contend with from here on out! :angry:  None of the neighbors are very happy with them.

kayc:  You sound like my husband.  He loved the big trees and if I asked why don't we cut down the big one in our front yard so there wasn't so much upkeep from their branches, needles and cones on the house and yard.  That was a useless question. LOL

You are a good neighbor looking out for others by picking up the limbs in the road. 🌲 Dee

 

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Gwen, I'm glad you got some help, and from a hunky neighbor at that!

Marg, I can't imagine anything more beautiful than your picture, all the colors, it's incredible!

I don't get to see much of the canyon as it's on the back/side of the home of the people who did the clear-cutting, so can't trespass to get a look-see.  But yes I think it's beautiful here, lots of tall evergreens and mountains.  I wish I was better at taking pictures.  I tried taking a picture of my Christmas tree, I think it's so pretty, but alas all the ornaments blurred, I must not be able to hold still enough.  :angry:  Today is the worst day for photographing anything though, today is ugly, a storm day, lots of wind and up to 2" of rain, ugh!  I'm going to hate taking Arlie for a walk in this.  I need to get more wood in and there isn't going to be a break in this.

Dee, I don't mind cutting down a tree that presents a problem, but to clearcut and not clean up the mess or replant...I hate that!  Very inconsiderate of those who live there.  After reading this book, I don't think one could ever view trees in the same way: https://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Life-Trees-Communicate_Discoveries-Secret/dp/1771642483

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Kay, we had a tornado in Port Orchard today.  Unbelievable the damage it did in a few minutes.  Very odd for here.  We’re lined up for storms all the way to Christmas.  Cool you got your tree up.  No decorating for me. Maybe a strand of lights on the mantle.  Only buying one present to be shipped to my cousin in NM.   A tip for my housekeeper.  Wine for my hunk neighbor and girlfriend.  Didn’t even send cards.  Haven’t gotten any either.  Everyone must be going digital and my list shrinks every year now.  Gawd, Steve took so much with him when he left.

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I know, changes, it's hard.  I didn't do any actual shopping, bought a couple of things on line, the rest get $.  I did make/send cards, maybe 40 of them, got about a dozen back, you're right, people just say Merry Christmas on FB now and call it good.  A tradition gone by the way.  I'm learning to keep it simple.  I used to go out and get a real tree and put it up, was a lot more work, never seemed to fit in the stand right, I've had them go into shock and die and have to be taken down and replaced before Christmas, even though I let them acclimate  outside for a week...now I have my fake tree and it's so much easier.  Have the canned scent to go with it.  No longer have to pay or work to dispose of it.  I know, probably seems sacrilegious to some!  Whatever works.  Life has changed, it calls for simpler plans.  Like maybe a strand of lights on the mantle.  ;)

Yes I know Steve took so much with him when he left...so did George.  I do a lot of pretending now.  Pretending he's sitting with me on the couch.  Call me crazy.  At least I'm not a cat lady...yet!

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Hey!!! I am the crazy cat lady, Kay!!!! I have 9 of them. 

I did put the tree up. Nothing else though. Not even sure why I put the tree up. I have only turned on the lights after I put it up. Just one more thing for me to do after Christmas. 

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I am so glad the holidays are over.  This was my 5th without Steve.  They keep feeling worse.   I accept he is gone.  I read about others feeling time helping them feel a little less pain.  It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.  There are so many other forces  in play too.  My health is the worst ever.  My social life is medical.  Can’t volunteer.  Alone all the time.  I’m still watching the world from the outside.  I hate every waking moment.  I care about nothing.  I feel like I am losing my mind.  I told my therapist maybe it’s time to turn the sessions to learning to try and find some contentment in my situation rather than looking for ways to increase social interaction.  It’s just not happening and you can’t make it happen.  I can’t muster the energy to try senior citizen centers and can’t do other volunteering that is physical.  I look in my heart. and it’s empty.  For the first time in my life, I know no active love.  I’m so tired of hearing people around me plans and zest for life.  I’m just taking up space that I can barely take care of.  It’s another Saturday night and I miss him so much.  Aches, pains and all, he would love me back.

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Gwen, everyone handles this different plus everyone's situation is not equal and the same, so in no way would I consider your feelings abnormal!  You are dealing with a lot of changes both medically and lifestyle, some people are not faced with that.  You are handling everything as best as you can.  

Have you ever thought of a senior companion?  If you don't feel up to going out to a senior site, maybe someone coming in?  My friend Donna did that for years and grew a wonderful friendship with the lady she was a "companion" to, and the help they provide is a good aside as well.  Even their running errands for you could help when you don't feel like dragging oxygen around.  Just a thought.

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

grew a wonderful friendship with the lady she was a "companion" to,

Do not think you are the only one alone.  I know I can sit back and say that, and I have family with me, around me, and friends that will help with just a call.  My friend is handling her second loss so much different.  Right now, I do not want to interfere with her grief.  We have messaged.  Her children are smothering her just like we all smothered my grandmother.  My friend went six months without crying after first loss and anger was her emotion.  This time, the second time, she is crying a lot.  Her children are there for her constantly.  Right now she is going through what I felt like when I said I wanted to go to  the middle of Texas, park my car behind a seedy motel, bedbugs and all, and just be alone.  I knew a "silver alert" would be all over the USA.  After three years, I am comfortable having them close.  My friend, after less than two weeks, wants to be alone.  She cannot.  He had grown kids, she has grown kids and grandkids, and no one wants to leave her alone.  I wish there could be a happy medium.  My sister will not consider a live in companion.  She had men friends and girlfriends, the "best of both worlds" but did not want to be bothered with anyone full time.  We are all different.  Gwen, there is some woman out  there that would love to have the companionship of a friend.  Women who do not have anything period.  You might look upon that like my  mom looked on volunteering.  She was lonely.  I mentioned volunteering, but my mom was aghast at the fact I meant working without getting paid.  We all see things differently.  You might not trust someone you don't know, that is certainly logical, but there are women who need friends and companions to help make it through everyday life.  You have a lot to offer someone who has nothing at all.  But, like my sister, perhaps it is easier to be alone.  I understand that.  

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I’m Marg, my post was all over the place and I think you got the wrong idea.  I’m the one who feels they have nothing to offer and dying of loneliness inside.  The body isn’t helping hindering me with non stop pain.  All I can say is does anyone get how pathetic it can make you fee l to have to call somewhere to find a companion?  A stranger instead of someone that has known you forever and you don’t have to provide history notes, plus they were never part of it?

maybe there are no words for it.  I’m sitting here another day wondering why I’m even here.  I tried my volunteering yesterday and couldn’t effectively do it.  I just opened up the yard and did poop patrol and can hardly breathe or walk.  I want something in my life that doesn’t change for the worse or disappear.  

I could do major back surgery in hopes it would stop the the pain.  Months of recovery alone.  I see my pulmonologist Tuesday to find out, I hope, if there is any way I will improve or have moved to a worse stage of my disease.  My mind is so scrambled I spent half an hour yesterday thinking my portable oxygen wasn’t working because I was using the wrong tubing.  I took a shower hoping I wouldn’t fall and make it to get back on oxygen.

sorry for the pity party again.  I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this.  I want to sleep and escape.  

 

 

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Gwen, I'm at the age my friends are either sick or dying.  I'm sorry if I took it wrong.  I just know there are other women out there, and men, that have no one.  They live in shelters because they have no relatives or close friends.  You have more things going on than one person should have to handle by only one person.  You need help.  You need to not have to worry about your fur babies if you are in the hospital.  I know it would be hard to trust a stranger.  My sister needs someone to help her also and we are at a stalemate as to what will happen.  The house needs worked on terribly.  Some times we cannot handle everything.  

I spent all yesterday angry at Billy because I know he would have found someone else.  I know he would.  Hence my anger.  

 

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I am so glad the holidays are over.  This was my 5th without Steve.  They keep feeling worse.   I accept he is gone.  I read about others feeling time helping them feel a little less pain.  It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.  There are so many other forces  in play too.  My health is the worst ever.   Can’t volunteer.  Alone all the time.  I’m still watching the world from the outside.  I hate every waking moment.  I care about nothing.  I feel like I am losing my mind. 

For the first time in my life, I know no active love.  I’m so tired of hearing people around me plans and zest for life.  I’m just taking up space that I can barely take care of.  Aches, pains and all, he would love me back.

Gwen:  I was thinking about you about 2 a.m. this morning as my power briefly went off with the windstorm blowing through the northwest.  I hope your home didn't suffer any damage or you didn't have your power go off.   

I too am relieved the Holidays are over.   The last Christmas with my husband was 2014 and really can’t say it has gotten any easier.  As I went to bed last night I made plans  to take down the little bit of Christmas decorations today, but instead ended up using my energy to pick up more branches outside.   Grrrrrr.

I constantly try to push away feelings of envy when I listen to friends, neighbors, etc. talk about their life and activities.  I really am happy for them but I remind myself, once upon a time I had that life even though I know I will never have that happiness again.  

Take care.  Dee

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3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sitting here another day wondering why I’m even here.  Sorry for the pity party again.  I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this.  I want to sleep and escape.

 

 

Marg said it all.  You do have more on your plate than most.  Just know you are not alone when you "sign on" to this site.  We do think about you.  Dee

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Thanks you guys.  I am not effectively conveying myself these days from the nic withdrawl and breathing loss.  Or both or hypothyroidism or stenosis or grief or the deep dark of winter up here or.......gawd knows.  I tried volunteering yesterday and it was so hard I’m worried about having to quit.  That would mean most days 24/7 alone.  Not being an alone person, this concerns quit a bit.  I’m disheartened that quitting smoker has me feeling worse.  Got a message from a woman on that support group who got asthma stopping, many have.  So you do these 'good' things and feel worse?  It’s no wonder some people stay in their addictions.  The lesser of 2 evils?  I don’t know except I thoroughly confused and angry.  Yet, drained of any energy for solutions.  That’s why I want to sleep.  This stuff isn’t happening in la la Land.

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Yes Gwen, I get it...it's where I'd be if the least thing happened because when I had surgery I was alone through recovery, I was just lucky it was minor not major like you're facing.  When I broke my right arm I was alone trying to make it.  It's a horrible feeling to know there's no one there for you!  I've been alone for years and the thought of aging alone terrifies me!  I realize how precarious and vulnerable my situation is...you're just one step ahead of me in needing the help.  My day is coming.

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10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

So you do these 'good' things and feel worse?

I have Asthma and never was a smoker.  My friend Jim quit smoking eight years ago but he is so glad he did, it was hard in the beginning years, but he would not be alive today with his CHF if he hadn't quit when he did.  The "worse" part is now, hopefully the benefits will come on down the road.

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I need to encourage you about the quitting.  I will always believe the oral tobacco poisoned Billy, did cause his cancer, and he tried to quit.  He was down to two cans a week.  The damage had been done.  My sister went to physical therapy (respiratory therapy) and felt better than she has in years.  She quit for 15 days and was the most miserable person that I could not be around.  My son, years ago, when he drank Tequila, he became a mean, terribly mean person.  His liver is forever damaged from the drugs and alcohol.  He is still living.  His dad isn't.  Scott quit them all.  His dad could not quit the oral tobacco.  His brother came out of ICU and never picked up another cigarette after over 50 years of smoking.  My granddaughter (oldest one), takes Adderall for ADD.  She is in her 30's.  It is a form of amphetamine.  I cannot tell her to get off, it is prescribed by a doctor, yet I know getting off amphetamines cold turkey is very dangerous.  I tore up my house, hit Billy in the head, made him bleed, cut my wrist, hit a bleeder, and wound up on the psych floor with my dad coming in wanting to know what I had done with the life he and my mom had given me.  Damn if I knew.  I know the stuff scares the bewillies out of me.  I did it so I could stay up nights, work, and be there for my kids in the daytime.  Seven years I have no recollection of to remember.  Doctor's prescription.  

They say religion is a personal choice.  It was a way of life for me.  There was no choice.  Still isn't.  

After 15 days my sister said there was no way she would ever try to quit again.  She has quit alcohol twice.  Tobacco industries put things in tobacco that you cannot quit.  Some people do..  Some people cannot.  It is like the Xanax.  You can quit it.  I can quit it.  You do have to coast off it.  You will not have side effects of the cigarettes or the  amphetamines.  I cannot take aspirin to prevent strokes.  If Xanax calms me down enough and the blood pressure med helps, I have to take it.  

In the end, we do what we have to do.  We pick our poison, or we leave it alone.  My  sister says she will never quit again, even if I have to buy them and the hardest thing for her to do is ask me to do this.  The addiction is stronger than pride.  

I don't know Gwen.  My mom called them her "friends."  She lived to be 95, but did not know she was alive.  Life was a magazine.  

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17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks you guys.  I am not effectively conveying myself these days from the nic withdrawl and breathing loss.  Or both or hypothyroidism or stenosis or grief or the deep dark of winter up here or.......gawd knows.  I tried volunteering yesterday and it was so hard I’m worried about having to quit.  That would mean most days 24/7 alone.  Not being an alone person, this concerns quit a bit.  I’m disheartened that quitting smoker has me feeling worse.  Got a message from a woman on that support group who got asthma stopping, many have.  So you do these 'good' things and feel worse?  It’s no wonder some people stay in their addictions.  The lesser of 2 evils?  I don’t know except I thoroughly confused and angry.  Yet, drained of any energy for solutions.  That’s why I want to sleep.  This stuff isn’t happening in la la Land.

Gwen, I have hypothyroidism and that does complicate life, moods, thoughts, etc... My Dad (86) smoked two packs of cigarettes for over 40 years.  After trying to stop several times he was successful and has not smoked for over thirty years.  His lungs are good.  Anytime we change a habit our body goes through an adjustment period. The Herxheimer Reaction - (Feeling worse before feeling better ).   The body is getting rid of toxins and it makes your body feel bad.  I went through that when I switched my foods to a very low carb diet to treat my obesity and Insulin Resistance.  It will get better over time.

In regards to the hypothyroidism.  Most doctors do not know how to adequately treat it.  They treat the symptom but do not know what really causes it or how to fix it.  www.stopthethyroidmadness.com is a good place to start.  Also, this last summer, I have started to do some additional bio-hacking to optimize my health.  Sun/Light exposure is critical to set our Circadian Clocks to heal and restore our sleep.  In the winter, most of us do not get enough sunlight or Vit - d which affects our hormones, moods, sleep. health,  etc.  I take additional Vit D3/K2 and have noticed an improvement. 

This afterlife is not easy or pleasant, yet after watching my Dad go through a fall, hip surgery and recovery, I realize I need to take care of my health.  I too, don't have anyone else to call on or rely upon.  I count my blessings that I do have and strive to have something to look forward to each day.  i pray you find what will give you the same sense of purpose.  Grace - Shalom

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I really wish we all lived near each other so we could be there for each other in a tangible way, but even the emotional support we receive here means so much.

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Saw my lung doc Tuesday.  Not good news.  Seems my disease is progressing and options are infusions that would lower my immune system to ease the inflammation.  They also have steroids in them.  She also feels the hypothyroidism is a big culprit and increasing those meds will be hard too on the anxiety.  There’s also that back surgery hanging over me.  I told my counselor yesterday that it seems like a gun to my head, but my odds gone if the trigger is pulled, all the chambers are filled.  I had a feeling about the lungs, but the doc added the blasting cap.  She talked about palliative and hospice care.  I suppose I’m already a candidate for assisted living when I think about it.  I reminded her she is dealing with someone with no will or motivation for getting stabilized.  I’m guessing that’s the most I could hope for.  Or slowed down a bit.  All this in the last 2 years.  For the other 2 without Steve I could at least breathe and walk normally.  Made all the difference.  Would now too if I had a reason - him.  I’m so compromised in my thinking in this alone.  Knowing I would still be alone if I did these grandiose things.  I miss my guardrail.  How he stood between me and falling of the road.  I resent having done that for him and now when I need it, he’s gone.  I don’t resent him, I resent how cruel life can be.  For everyone that faces adversity and is empty inside.  My counselor is starting a new thing, writing down each week something she grateful for, beyond food and shelter.  I look back over the last month and find nothing.  Just memories that tear me apart.

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Saw my lung doc Tuesday.  Not good news.  Seems my disease is progressing and options are infusions that would lower my immune system to ease the inflammation.  They also have steroids in them.  She also feels the hypothyroidism is a big culprit and increasing those meds will be hard too on the anxiety.  There’s also that back surgery hanging over me.  I told my counselor yesterday that it seems like a gun to my head, but my odds gone if the trigger is pulled, all the chambers are filled.  I had a feeling about the lungs, but the doc added the blasting cap.  She talked about palliative and hospice care.  I suppose I’m already a candidate for assisted living when I think about it.  I reminded her she is dealing with someone with no will or motivation for getting stabilized.  I’m guessing that’s the most I could hope for.  Or slowed down a bit.  All this in the last 2 years.  For the other 2 without Steve I could at least breathe and walk normally.  Made all the difference.  Would now too if I had a reason - him.  I’m so compromised in my thinking in this alone.  Knowing I would still be alone if I did these grandiose things.  I miss my guardrail.  How he stood between me and falling of the road.  I resent having done that for him and now when I need it, he’s gone.  I don’t resent him, I resent how cruel life can be.  For everyone that faces adversity and is empty inside.

Gwen:  My heart breaks for you.  Am stunned at your news.  It's like you hit a wall every which way you turn.  Know you are in my thoughts and I hate that I can't be of some help to you.  Life is not fair and is understandable you resent how cruel life can be.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make your choices ahead of you.  Take care.  Dee

Y

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10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Saw my lung doc Tuesday.  Not good news.  Seems my disease is progressing and options are infusions that would lower my immune system to ease the inflammation.  They also have steroids in them.  She also feels the hypothyroidism is a big culprit and increasing those meds will be hard too on the anxiety.  There’s also that back surgery hanging over me.  I told my counselor yesterday that it seems like a gun to my head, but my odds gone if the trigger is pulled, all the chambers are filled.  I had a feeling about the lungs, but the doc added the blasting cap.  She talked about palliative and hospice care.  I suppose I’m already a candidate for assisted living when I think about it.  I reminded her she is dealing with someone with no will or motivation for getting stabilized.  I’m guessing that’s the most I could hope for.  Or slowed down a bit.  All this in the last 2 years.  For the other 2 without Steve I could at least breathe and walk normally.  Made all the difference.  Would now too if I had a reason - him.  I’m so compromised in my thinking in this alone.  Knowing I would still be alone if I did these grandiose things.  I miss my guardrail.  How he stood between me and falling of the road.  I resent having done that for him and now when I need it, he’s gone.  I don’t resent him, I resent how cruel life can be.  For everyone that faces adversity and is empty inside.  My counselor is starting a new thing, writing down each week something she grateful for, beyond food and shelter.  I look back over the last month and find nothing.  Just memories that tear me apart.

I am sad to hear of your health news. I downloaded the book, "Paleo Thyroid Solution by Ells Russ and just began reading it.  You can find it on Amazon Kindle version for $10. I still struggle with thyroid issues and realize I need to work on it to improve my health.  I  will share with you what I learn.  Most doctors do not run the full thyroid panel because they only know to treat the thyroid with drugs. 

I started to work out at the gym last month for the first time in over 30 years.  I started out slow every other day and asked for instruction from a trainer. He showed me the basic exercise and movements any person should be able to do.  I was thoroughly discouraged because I thought I was in good shape with the physical job that i have.  I decided to just grow where I'm planted and have been steadily progressing with my strength, balance, core, and resistance exercise.  I also use the elliptical for cardio.   I have progressed to the point were i WANT to go to the gym every day.

I am so surprised by this change.  I have noticed my mood is better, and my energy and drive is improving.  I do everything in small baby steps. Building on one step at a time.  Today I will be up to 20 minutes on the elliptical machine.  Next I will begin to incorporate HIIT(High Intensity Interval Training) on the elliptical. I share this with you Gwen, in the hopes that you can find something to live for to pursue life.  All of us has a purpose even beyond the point of our spouse/loved ones.  Just hang in there and hold on.  Many people here love and care about you and want the best for you.  Your sharing ha helped others in this group and your volunteer work. 

I continue to pray and intercede for you daily.  {{{ HUGS }}}  Grace - Shalom

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It seems all the doctors do is paint a bleak picture for you, Gwen.  It's time they start showing you the way, it's up to them to figure it out.  What the hell?!  You're doing what they tell you to do, you quit smoking, beyond that what do they want you to do?  That's what I'd be asking them, how can you have any fullness of life.  I have God in my life, even if I'm flat on my back, I still have that, but you don't even have that to turn to and it breaks my heart, we all need something.  Prayers for you my dear lady, I wish for you a better life.

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Gwen, I am sorry you are having worse health concerns.  I moved into an apartment because I figured it was my entrance into assisted living.  I know this is not what you want and you have your fur babies also.  I wish we were all closer too, we could at least check in on each other all the time.  When I was swinging between coma and being aware of things, I got so much comfort from just seeing the silver cross on the wall.  Then the nun would hold my hand and pray for me.  My death never entered my mind (I didn't have much mind), and my fever kept going so high the new thing was to uncover the patient and let them have the fever chills.  I remember pulling my gown up to keep warm and flashed anyone in the room.  I didn't care.  They still didn't cover me.  We've seen too much sickness.  I am so sorry.  I have not answered because I don't know what to say.  We just need comfort sometimes and I hope you find it.  

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Gwen,

So very sorry about all the health problems you are having....on top of the grief.  Hope you find your way through the maze of medical decisions!  Gin

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I don’t know what I am going to do.  I volunteered today and it’s just getting too hard.  I keep trying to do things I did, but the oxygen is always a factor plus the pain.  Too many maladies to know where to start, if I do.  It’s one of those times I have to let all this sink in and see if I just want things to run thier course or fight for more time alone.  That would mean trying to find something to fill so many hours that for 25 years I had covered for myself.  Having Steve here just made things right all around for over 30 years.  Never was at a loss of something to do.  I can call and have social workers come visit.  Hard to think about a good life and turning to strangers.  Can’t jump in the car without making sure all med equipment is working.  I much preferred my love leash with him.  Thanks for the support.

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