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Gwenivere

Grief removes all guard rails

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I know there are people in worse shape than me, but I can’t do the comparison thing because I am me and have to deal with my reality

So true.  They say the greatest grief is our own...well the same is true for whatever we're going through.  

As bad off as my sister's life is right now, I hope she realizes how fortunate she is to have her husband.  She said she started smoking again because she can't take being around him 24/7.  I told her, "You can't blame your smoking on Bert.  You started smoking because that is your chosen way of coping.  You knew what Bert was like when you married him and he's only gotten better...it's been 48 years now."  I don't feel any judgment towards smokers, if I didn't have my allergies and Asthma, who knows if I would have started with my anxiety, but I can't physically tolerate it...George was a smoker, he also had anxiety, I understood.  But who knows if he'd have lived longer...but then we never know for sure and it does no good to go there.  People deal with their lives as best as they can, smoking or not.  I just don't like to see her blaming Bert when he's doing EVERYTHING for her and she doesn't seem to realize how fortunate she is for that.  You and I, Gwen, if we were in her shoes, we'd be in rehab and never get to see our dogs.  No, people who still have their spouses are more fortunate than they can ever realize...until they're gone from them.

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Gwen, I am sitting here alone.  When I am alone my mind seems to wander so I turned on Netflix.  I have a wide range of likes on Netflix.  Mostly like documentaries (which my granddaughter does not like at all.  I gave my TV in the bedroom to my daughter, so I watch early morning shows in the living room.  We were talking on one post about me keeping rolls of paper towels because I might just leak tears at any time.  Anything sad, happy, icky, dramatic, and today I watched "Peter Rabbit" on Netflix which involves the rabbits in real life backgrounds.  Of course it was beautiful.  Of course I used my paper towels.  Beauty brings tears also.  They have a way of making animated movies now that look like live creatures and involves human actors (as voices) and also as characters.  This is our old Peter Rabbit of old, draped out in beautiful real life.  Beautiful ending.  And my paper towel roll is fast going to be replaced.  I think I have over active tear ducts.  I think of my friend Glenda, my lively, beautiful, vivacious friend and now in the nursing home with the brain of too much liquor.  My sister, a personal expert on this, said her brain would get better.  They are treating it as Alzheimer's, possibly for Medicare to pay, but it tore my heart out to walk in and see her awake, laying on her side, staring at a blank wall.  Then she brightened up, she knew me, which my other friend (her best friend) does not believe and wants to go with me.  Perhaps it is not true and I just want her to know me.  When I left she said "you know I could not forget that red hair" so she remembered me.  I then went to see my aunt who was always as beautiful as Elizabeth Taylor, even prettier.  She won't leave her house.  She is down to 89 pounds, and I have to remind myself she is older than I am.  I feel like an animated object that time just stood still, but I'm tired.  

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6 hours ago, kayc said:

 People deal with their lives as best as they can, smoking or not.  I just don't like to see her blaming Bert when he's doing EVERYTHING for her and she doesn't seem to realize how fortunate she is for that.  You and I, Gwen, if we were in her shoes, we'd be in rehab and never get to see our dogs.  No, people who still have their spouses are more fortunate than they can ever realize...until they're gone from them.

Well, Kay, smoking is a tricky thing.  It’s one of those things, like losing a spouse, that if you haven’t been one, you can’t understand it. I loved to smoke in of of itself.  It helped when I was stressed out too.  I can see people taking up the habit because something happened in their life too.  I guesss I don’t look at it as blame, but I can understand Bert being a catalyst.  Same as people turn to alcohol, to numb the pain.  It’s easy to sit and be an arm chair judge, I used to be one til my world got upended.  A harsh one too.  Not anymore.  That’s about the only good that has come from this.  I didn’t nag Steve about much, but I see that what I did was mice nuts (as he called little things).   He was much more accepting/understanding of others flaws than me.  I have great admiration for that now and will always be grateful he left me that gift.

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I get that, Gwen.  I realize it has a calming affect, I know it's harder to get off of than Heroin.  I'm not judging it, I am just worried about what lies in her future.  And I still don't think it's fair to blame others for our choices...he may be a catalyst, but for her to say that in front of him was very hurtful.

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Did not realize she said that to him.  No, that is not fair.  Can’t think of a good example, but this scenario is not one.  

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I think catalyst was an apt word, but not "cause".  She broke down and told my other sister, I talked to sister Polly last night, told her all we can do is be there for her, but her and Bert make their own decisions, as we all do.

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Just want to curl up and cry today.  A resident where I work died and the dog of of a fellow volunteer.  Housekeeper today to remind me of my new limitations.   Still can’t truly volunteer.  Could only stop by and sit.  Have 2 errands to do and back to this lonely house.  Fall is setting in which brings every significant anniversarybfrom late October thru January.  Truly don’t know how I will do this a 4th time.  Tired of the medical,stuff, loneliness and redundant counting down the clock til bed, then knowing it just brings another day of the same.  Tired of feeling better with the blinds drawn in my night clothes.  All stuff I have bemoaned before.  Life is loss and change.  But it used to bring in new things that would replace the gaps.   By some fluke, I’m getting all the gaps and no fillers.   I’m so tired but can’t rest from being....restles.   The irony of it all doesn’t help.  I keep going back to the intense yearning for Steve and thinking there is something wrong with me. I’m adapting at the cost of feeling I can’t go on.  Having to remind myself this is normal.   At least I hope it is or I’m in big trouble.

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Just want to curl up and cry today. 

Tired of feeling better with the blinds drawn in my night clothes.

Gwen:  So sorry you have lost an acquaintance/friend.  Seems even sadder to hear this kind of news as we know the pain is still so near to us with our loss.

Your statement wanting to "curl up and cry today" was the first thing I thought I wanted to do when I woke from a good sleep this morning and realized it was Friday.  I could only think how much the weekends really get me in a funk.  One small positive being Friday, if I can scrape the barrel for a positive is I needed to get dressed and get outside to relocate my garbage,/recycle cans back to the side of the house and out of the street.  Oh yes, sometimes I have to push myself to get out of my night clothes. 

The shorter days and the beginning of our rainy Pacific Northwest fall days is not appealing at all.

Take care, Dee

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I find the darker weather with shorter days makes getting motivated a near impossibility.  I am glad that at least the earth is receiving the much needed rain but the dismal weather does affect my emotional side.  

I am blessed with my son living with me and the pets, I am forced to get up and get going or I would spend everyday in my pj's in front of the tv.  

Sorry for your health problems Gwen.

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Thank you Marita and Dee.  Weekends are hard to face.  Everyone has plans and one of my very few get togethers was cancelled as they are going to see family.  Double ouch.  I realized when I was going about my day that the wake and sleep time has never changed, hasn’t in decades.  It’s how it is filled that is all out of sync.  I’m so restless I do things in advance so the 'normal' schedule is defunct.   I miss realizing the garbage needs to go out.  Being so busy with our lives we had to write notes to stick on the door for reminders.  I figure the day I do stay in nightclothes is the day I concede defeat.  I feel that way mentally, but if I physically give in, well....game over.  I put the laundry away tonight and used up what energy I had for life.  That’s pretty sad when there was a perfect balance of time before.  

The early darkness is already depressing.  Will be worse when daylight savings ends.  We three face that so far north.  Could be worse, could be Alaska with almost 24 nights and days.  I hear some people go crazy from that.  We don’t need the help.  

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I hate it getting dark earlier, especially since I can't drive at night.  Gwen, I hear you on this time of year, our anniversary is October 19, then there's Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, every month something.  

I'm sorry about your friend at the nursing home, and the other one's dog.  Seems we're always getting hit with someone dying.  I guess that's to be expected as we age, but still...

I can only imagine what it's like having a housekeeper come in...I kind of like the sanctity of my home and privacy, not to mention independence.  I guess I've gotten used to it...it's been a long time since I used to entertain and have couples over.  It seems another lifetime ago.

My neighbor had to have his dog put to sleep yesterday, really hard...aggressive cancer.  He only had him 11 months and had already had surgery to remove the tumor, a month later it grew back with a vengeance, obstructing his breathing and eating.  Too hard.

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My son is down here, home, until he moves soon.  He has to go up and work security at his apartment building until he finds another place down here, "home.".  He is on VA Disability and was in the submarines.  Last week, the man he relieved on duty, they sat and talked.  This guy was about 10 years older than him but they sat and talked a few hours.  Planned on going to one of the little pubs around there and Scott was going to buy Scooter a beer and himself a coke. (Scott has had hep-C) and he knows after all the treatments he can never have a drink, as his younger days nearly destroyed his liver.  But, he did not hear from Scooter.  They discovered him deceased, had been so for about three days.  My family and I keep up with each other every day, at least once, sometimes more.  No matter where we are.  I remember one time before cell phones we were one day late coming back from vacation and my daughter had state police watching for our truck.  My total life aggravations have become blessings as I get older.  

I know I gripe about some of my responsibilities, but sometimes angels come in different disguises.  You know Billy Graham wrote a book "Angels: Finding Assurance That We are not Alone".  Personally, my own Christian feelings (and I am so unworthy to call myself thus), still have their magic and mysticism.  Billy Graham was no dummy.

On the lighter side, did my DNA and knew I could not reach for Native American, like I wanted.  I am Irish and Scandinavian enough to have started reading the book series on Octavia Randolph's Ceridwen series from the 800's and 900's.  So far there are six books, I am on number four.  Interesting reading where and how our ancestors lived.  Also has finally lifted my imaginative part of my  brain that I thought Billy took with him.  I think he gave it back to me, and yesterday we had the rolling clouds of the beginnings of the hurricanes that were drifting angrily over Louisiana.  I know that Cookie is in the mountains of NC, so "Cookie, stay safe" and maybe George is over that way also.  All of you others on the Eastern Seaboards, please stay safe my friends.   

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Does anyone know if Cookie is okay?  George is safe, in VA.

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I thought I understood Cookie to say she lived in the mountains of NC, but I think the people without electricity were in the six number of thousands.  

When Scott told me about Scooter and no one found him for three days, it reminded me of the Tom T. Hall song about old dogs, children and watermelon wine.  Anyhow, it made up my son's mind to move back "home."  Last night he visited an old girlfriend he had known as a friend for over 20 years.  She had told  him when she had been 21 she was gonna ask him to marry her, which really surprised him.  We grieve our losses, he still is so hurt about his dad, (always my kids favorite, and I didn't mind, he was my favorite person too.).  Reminded me looking up at the beautiful cloud banks rolling in from the East Coast storm, how much we all lose. 

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Today is an especially lonely day.  So many reasons to list and would be redundant at best.  I wish I could write a book so I could name it 'Staying Alive When You Don’t Want To '.   I’m so tired of living on the dark side, to steal from Star Wars.  

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I looked up the town listed on her profile and it looks like it got clobbered.  She may be evacuated or her electricity may be out and internet down, we'll have to wait to hear from her.  I messaged her but it could be a while before she gets it and can respond to us.  Prayers going up for her!

Gwen,

Sorry you're having such a hard day.  It gets like that, doesn't it.  Not helping that the weather is dismal and grey, I know we need the rain and I'm not complaining, I'm glad we have it, but it can be rather depressing too when it turns like this, this time of year.

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On 9/15/2018 at 7:40 AM, Marg M said:

On the lighter side, did my DNA and knew I could not reach for Native American, like I wanted.    

Marg:  Coincidentally I am waiting to receive results of my DNA.   One of my uncles told me many years ago my great grandmother had Native American heritage.  My roots are from Mississippi and Arkansas.  My sister in law had hers done this past year and was not totally happy with the results.  She knew of her Scandinavian heritage, and French Canadian heritage but was surprised of other bits and pieces.  We got a big laugh out of it.  Dee

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9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Today is an especially lonely day.  So many reasons to list and would be redundant at best.  I wish I could write a book so I could name it 'Staying Alive When You Don’t Want To '.   I’m so tired of living on the dark side, to steal from Star Wars.  

Gwen:  Thinking about you today and sorry for your difficulties.

Today was the pitts for me too.  The off and on downpours knocked one of my downspouts loose and I had rain gushing all over the back wall of my house.  My son was too busy to come help so I attempted to connect it the best I could but another downpour knocked it loose again.  Tomorrow I'll be on the phone talking to downspout people.   Oh the joys of living in a house.   Would love to be in a one room apartment somedays where I didn't have to worry about what I don't know about the house.   Dee 😡

 

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Marg, I was taught, when I encounter things that are beyond my power to change (like hurricanes all the way down to petty everyday annoyances), to use the following: "I request a most benevolent outcome for (whatever it is, such as a person's safety, or for safe travels, or a parking place near your destination, a good business transaction at the best possible price, or pretty much anything), and may the outcome be better than I could hope for or expect."  These words, apparently, clear the way for the best and highest good to occur for the named situation, whether it be good fortune or direct action by angels, or whatever a person believes.  I've seen some pretty interesting outcomes in my time when I remembered to say the words out loud.

Of course, sometimes the outcome is not what we would like but it may well be the best possible outcome out of many bad potential outcomes.  And I guess, sometimes we are not meant to know the outcome. 

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6 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Coincidentally I am waiting to receive results of my DNA.

There are places besides Ancestry.com to get your DNA done.  Was surprised to learn they change things up in later emails.  My belief in DNA has changed if they do not get it right the first time.  I cannot deny my Irish/Viking history but what is wrong is they change it after you get it.  I don't understand it.  DNA is enough to get a rapist put in prison, but not good enough for the percentages of your heritage to change drastically in a month or so.  Either it is, or  it isn't.  My sister and I both lost the Iberian Peninsula heritage, which did not bother me because I had never heard of that part of geography anyhow.  Get it right, or leave it alone, and quit charging to do it. I've lost my belief in it. 

Kieron:  💗💝💗

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m so tired of living on the dark side, to steal from Star Wars.  

I know it is very controversial, but the first time I really laughed after Billy left was "Grace and Frankie" and it is so absurd it is funny (to me).  Last season their kids had put them in assisted living because they were "living" their own lives.  I don't think the new series will come out till 2019, and I usually finish the whole thing at once.  Honestly, it felt good to laugh.  I know people don't like Jane Fonda, and I understand, but she is not playing "Hanoi Jane, " she is playing a character that made me laugh.  They both have all our ailments and some of our problems that are not funny to us, but they make them funny.  Helped me anyhow.  But, I am different.

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5 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Would love to be in a one room apartment somedays where I didn't have to worry about what I don't know about the house.

Moving to an apartment was one of the smartest things I have ever done, especially done alone.  I don't worry about any of the upkeep and I don't feel like I'm throwing my money away, how long do I have anyhow..................just me.

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I hear ya on the house upkeep, it's ongoing.  There's a REASON they charge so much for rents!  We're all going to pay one way or another.

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If I need a new commode, I just tell them.  I am not physically able to install or carry one.  Just one example.  My mom wanted to "own" but I am only passing by, I'm not gonna stay long, and I own no fur babies. 

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