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Grief removes all guard rails


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I get it.  That's one reason my daughter doesn't want to lose her apartment to her scoundrel husband.  It's $500/month less than comparable apartments and they do a great job of maintaining and fix things in quick order!  Not easy to find.

Here in the country it's hard to find good handymen, that's the one thing I'm lacking.  I have a good roofer, firewood deliveryman, tree-faller, limb-cutter, chimney sweep, gutter-cleaner, plumber, but have yet to find a good painter, handyman, and yardworker.  I do know one reliable guy that's a good handyman but he's retired so I save it for real necessities.

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17 hours ago, Marg M said:

 Was surprised to learn they change things up in later emails.  My belief in DNA has changed if they do not get it right the first time.  I cannot deny my Irish/Viking history but what is wrong is they change it after you get it.  I don't understand it.  DNA is enough to get a rapist put in prison, but not good enough for the percentages of your heritage to change drastically in a month or so.

Kieron:  💗💝💗

Marg: Now that is interesting.  Makes me more eager as I await my results.  Dee

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It gave me 1% of the middle of Africa including Congo and Southern Bantu.  My sister changed to no African at all.  Took away about 7% Iberian Peninsula for both of us.  Her's has been finished for about a year.  Mine about a month.  I'm waiting for a percentage of Antarctica.  It said because science is changing all the time.  I think it is a waste of money.  Either get it right the first time or don't do it.  They have competition from other companies.  Ancestry.com is not the only one now.  

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Last night my oxygen machine failed.  The emergency number was useless.  Had to wait til today to have it replaced.  It was a fearful night dependent on portable tanks.  The new one today was defective also.  Fortunately I got a working one and made it to (ironically) my pulmonologist.  The emergency service ramped up the anxiety so much my Xanax even waved a white flag.  so hard to be alone.  Don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.  

Only know 2 people that have lived without a partner and these speed bumps just rattle their cars, they make mine fall apart.  I can’t help feeling I have a target on my back.  Yes, things go wrong, but so many lately.  Really has me wondering if I will ever adjust to growing older alone.  I have run out of his dialogue.  It’s been years and all I have was what he used to say in jest.  What would he have come up with in the last 4 years?  I miss his quick mind and sense of humor.  His reactions to things only I see now.  I don’t know what he would say anymore.  I hate I bitch about things now instead of telling him so there was feedback.  Another lonely night like so many others with some added reality of being alone in a medical emergency.  I know I’ll be calling for him again when I go to bed.  No amount of time will ever make that feel tolerable.

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7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Last night my oxygen machine failed.  The emergency number was useless.  Had to wait til today to have it replaced.  It was a fearful night dependent on portable tanks. 

How frightening for you.  Pray today you are resting and feeling stronger.  Even tho I have a son and daughter, can't reach either one quickly at any time.  Recently tried to call my son for some help and his cell phone would not take anymore messages.  Had to text.  Was not a dire emergency like yours, but reminds being so alone is not easy.  Take care and rest. Dee

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Gwen,

It sounds like a very hard and frightening night!  I'm glad you made it through it, and hope you can catch a nap sometime today...here's to a good night's sleep tonight! 

Yes, it is indeed hard growing old alone.  Most of my widowed friends have supportive family nearby, I do not.  It makes a huge difference.  What you are going through is very hard, I hope you get a reprieve sometime soon!

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9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The emergency service ramped up the anxiety so much my Xanax even waved a white flag.  so hard to be alone.

I feel it is too much personal information, but when my colon ruptured, I have outlived the horrendous byproducts of this four and one-half years.  But, I have not outlived the results that it did to my body.  Sometimes it will make me shake so bad, all over, I cannot go outside at all.  I take a Xanax to stop some of the shaking, but I am not really having an anxiety attack, I am having a "body" attack.  It happens at least once a day.  My family finds it funny, the wall in front of my commode has all kinds of crosses, angels, and other paraphernalia that I just stare at during these (too much information) attacks.  My sister wants me to go back to the doctor, so much has been discovered in those 4-1/2 years but I don't want to put this old body through the trials and tribulations I had to go through.  I have people with me Gwen, so my heart goes out  to you.  In my case though, all those people that are with me have more things wrong with them than I do, so I am usually the one that has to be strong.  I don't mind, just hope I can stay strong.  And I hope you and my other friends that go through so much more than I do, I pray you can stay  strong also.   And sometimes I know the answer is "who the hell cares if I am strong or not."  We, the invisible, we care.  

strength.jpg

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Thanks to all for the support.  I mostly feel I am losing all will to keep this up.  The oxygen is the biggest change and having generator for it makes my house sound like a medical facility.  I had to recharge my car supply.  The walking pain is getting worse. It’s all about limits when I was on a path of trying to broaden my connection with the world.  I think of things I could do that might make the upcoming holidays a little less painful then realize I have these limits.  Lots of places need help holiday days, but I’m useless.  I found that out already where I do volunteer.  It’s true the old saying about having your health.  I can donate money.  It doesn’t relieve the loneliness or give me the warm fuzzies I got before.  Visitors dwindling to social workers, a house keeper and medical supplier just adds to the weight of it all.  What we all want us so darned simple.  Our place in the world with love.  That love only our partner gave us.  A family member can love me, a long distance friend can love me, but without him/her, it’s never going to feel right again.   Most of you have children.  That’s not a guarantee, but you still possess a part of them you created together.  Share different griefs, but have the memories stored in them too.  There is nothing I find harder than talking about him to people that didn’t know him as a daily part of their lives.  

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Gwen, don't you have a physical therapist?  If not, why?  I talked to Amazon about keeping all Billy's books on my Kindle and why I wanted to keep them and she sent me the sweetest note.  Billy had at least three people checking on him sometimes twice a week.  I wonder if maybe you might be too young.  I cannot act like I know these things because I am dumb as dirt, dumber.  At least dirt grows things.  

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Gwen I wish you could feel better.  I can understand that there are too many medical issues to allow you to try to live a less solitary life.  The fact that you find it hard to talk about your husband to people who didn't know him definitely restricts your opportunities to find some pleasure.  

Do you feel ok about talking about him on the forum?  I guess I might be a romanticist as I love to hear the stories about other people.

Sorry for all your difficulties and your fright with the oxygen. 🙏

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Marg, used to have a physical,therapist, but the pain is too much for it now complicated with dragging oxygen around.

Marita, this place is about the only place I can talk about Steve that doesn’t rip my heart out because this family understands and is so consoling.  I get the from my counselors, and they do care, but the ethically cannot be friends and you pay them to listen.  

Love all you guys!  💕

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24 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Marita, this place is about the only place I can talk about Steve that doesn’t rip my heart out because this family understands and is so consoling.  

Love all you guys!  💕

Gwen:  You're so correct when you say sharing here is so "consoling".  Please know:  Love hearing about your Steve.  Dee

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee, what is your husbands name?   

My husband's name was Bob.  I don't think I ever mentioned his name.  I am naturally an "introvert" and usually keep my thoughts and information to myself not because I mean to be that way, it is just the silly way about me.  Bob was not that way at all.  We were so different, but we seemed to manage to stay together for 51 happy years.   My Southern way of describing him,  "He could talk a dog off a meat wagon".  Maybe Marg has heard that saying?  

Hoping you are feeling better tonight.  Dee

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I’ve never heard that saying, but many like it.  Sounds like my Steve.  51 years is amazing, Dee!  We made it to 37, married for 31 of them.  Sounds like we both got charmers.  💖.  He had the gift of making everyone crossing his path feel special.    

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I envy you all your long marriages, I wish I could have known George longer.  I'd have to add up all my marriages to even come close and somehow that doesn't feel like it counts.  
Gwen, could you go by the nursing home just to visit on Christmas?  I always have to wait until the actual day to know if I can do something because of the snow that comes and also I can't count on the country plowing the roads or doing any maintaining them.  I used to go to the local museum for Christmas "dinner" at noon, but now they've done away with that, there's no place for us people who are alone to go.  

Not ready for another holiday season...

Lately my knees have been giving me fits (I'd injured them in that fall 1 1/2 years ago), they had felt tolerable, but...at least I now have an automatic car instead of the stick shift, but the pickup is still standard.

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Dee, actually I have never heard that one.  I do know Billy got starved for conversations with men and "He could talk a dog off a meat wagon" also.  Our neighbor walked his little Yorkie twice a day, but he had Parkinson's and we knew it could not keep up, but he and Billy both could get into conversations that were so lengthy.  We would see him in one of the little $ stores in town and he and Billy would talk and talk.  Billy left me in October after 54 years.  Bob (this was our neighbor's name), he stumbled and fell on a fire place poker on Christmas day.  I like to imagine Billy and Bob are having their never ending conversations together again.  I only knew Billy 55 years but Bob and Carolyn (our neighbors) had been high school sweethearts throughout their school years in this small town.  I visited her one time.  My grief and her grief actually was too fresh to help each other.  I have not seen her in nearly three years now.  I have to go up there for the closing on our house the first week in October and I feel someone should offer me a "last meal" before I make that visit again to death.  "Please Mr. Custer, I don't want to go."

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8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve never heard that saying, but many like it.  Sounds like my Steve.  51 years is amazing, Dee!  We made it to 37, married for 31 of them.  Sounds like we both got charmers.  💖.  He had the gift of making everyone crossing his path feel special.    

Gwen:  Your Steve's picture shows a gentleness in his face that I'm sure you had no problem falling in love with him.  My Bob's beautiful blue eyes and his sense of humor made it easy fall in love with him.  The 51 years went much too fast unfortunately.  Am sure you feel the same about your 37 years of being with Steve - not enough time ever.

Hope your weekend is bearable and you are rested.  We are getting into the Pacific NW cooler days.  Pretty colors but dreading the leaves that are beginning to fall.   Dee  

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38 minutes ago, Marg M said:

  I have to go up there for the closing on our house the first week in October and I feel someone should offer me a "last meal" before I make that visit again to death.  "Please Mr. Custer, I don't want to go."

Marg:  October is coming fast.  You sound so strong in your road trips going here and there following the clouds.  Envy your ability to get in your car and drive your country roads.  I am able to drive to doctor appointments, grocery shopping and the such, but don't go near the interstate highways.  My vision limits my confidence to drive outside of Tacoma.

You were fortunate to have known and loved your Billy for such a long time -  Dee

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I thought about going by the nursing home on Christmas.  Maybe finding out who is alone and might want some company.  Then I think, will this make it feel worse?  Sometimes misery doesn’t love company.  Then there is getting to know them first as showing up suddenly would be awkward.  I don’t even know why I am thinking so far own the line except I know the Casey Jones grief train ramps up to high speed at the end of October when he left.  I used to think this might have been easier ha it been farther from the glut of holidays and birthdays.  It wouldn’t be.  That’s like saying there was a better day for him to die.  Talking myself into a good cry.  

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The heating and air conditioning on my car decided to quit and I can't find a blend door actuator for it so my son may make it stay on defrost because that's the most essential setting.  :(  Once he tears it apart and I can get the actual part number (there's debate about the number and vendors don't seem to know or care) maybe I can locate one on eBay for him to put in next Spring.  I wish he wasn't so far away from me, or that I could bring my dog with me to his house.  Arlie has anxiety and I can't be gone more than one night even with a neighbor feeding him.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t even know why I am thinking so far own the line

I think it's good to make plans so we're more prepared for the holidays.  I don't think people have any idea what this is like!

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I know they don’t, Kay.  Hear it all the time in replies from people in mail or talking with them in person.  I’m always amazed at those that think they can imagine this.  I didn’t even afford myself such dalliances and I had a long time to prepare.  I knew I had no idea the impact this would make.  Even now, I have no idea the impact of sudden death many here have experienced.  One woman told me she knew knew exactly what she would do if she lost her wife.  It was like a checklist and we bumped heads over it for a long time as I wasn’t following the perfect plan.  

People don’t realize they are actually invalidating our emotions when they think they are helping.  To those I just ask we not talk about fixes anymore.  That if I need their help, I will ask.  I’ve so come to appreciate the few that are aware enough to say they cannot even begin to know what I feel.  I know we all want to be able to offer something about everything, but we can never know every situation that comes up.  I’ve had people ask me about something and had to say I honestly have no idea what I would do.  Wish I did, but I only have my life experiences to draw on.  I can make some guesses, but that’s all they are. 

My absolute anger guaranteed feedback is Steve would not want me to feel this way.  Well, duh!  Of course not.  So I am supposed to snap out of it because of that?   I’m all for pleasing Steve as I did in life, but on this one, he’s got no vote.  No power.  He’s he cause.  No blame, just the reality of it.  

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People don’t realize they are actually invalidating our emotions when they think they are helping.

My "grief counselor" thought he had it all figured out too, what he would do if his wife Debi died...well he needn't concern himself about it because they're divorced now.  Honestly, for him to give me a book to read a week after George died that starts out with, "I took my wedding ring off..."  Really!!  He hadn't a clue.  He hadn't experienced it, and I'd lay big wagers he hadn't studied it in school either!  My guess is he was a self-proclaimed "counselor" that thought he had all the answers to everything!  Especially since he was in the country with no competition.

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Just another Monday night and I sit here wondering what all of us are doing.  Staring at TV?  Reading?  Going to bed for lack of anything to do or tired of facing another night?  Anxious about a move to a new place?  Crying? Laughing?  Lost? Feeling hope?  Doing things we never did at this hour because our routine and structure are gone that we knew for so long?  Microwaving or actually cooking?  Numb or raw?  Background noise of silence?  Good thoughts or sad?  

I had a new shower head installed earlier in the evening and it was bothering me.  Also have a shower bench too.  Planned on Tuesday night, but I was so sick of another, be it small, change.  Of course it was fine but different as it is a removable shower head with lots of settings.  Didn’t use the bench but figured out how to move it around when needed.  I also did my volunteer gig Monday and last Saturday.  Those were hard as I am not %100 yet since the hospital.  But a little slice of something familiar.  I saw I hadn’t signed in or out since late July.  

I’m always checking the date.  No reference anymore.  Didn’t matter when Steve was here, but I always knew.  Often forget what day of the week it is too when I wake up.  Seems I have shifted every weekly task around.  The once comfortable pattern is all askew.  It changes when I used to see employees at stores weekly.  

So I wonder.  What are you all doing at 12:19am Tuesday morning?  It’s rhetorical, but I think of all the people, not just us, that are alone now.  I hear about a death of a local and wonder what their other half is doing.  I Know I’m not the only one caught in this upended life.  Time to empty the dishwasher.  It’s something to do rather than play video games and actually needs to be done.  I only know today is Tuesday because I have counseling.  I’ve messed up my shower schedule but what does it matter anymore?  I miss routine.  I watch my dogs live it every day and say.....girls, I envy you!  

Hey Marg, I ran into a very old post of yours when you had 3 gallons of ice cream.  Must have been from about 2 years ago.  Gave me a chuckle as you said you were old now and could do anything you wanted.  So true.  One of the things I adored about leaving home was I could 'play' with my food.  Drove my mother nuts I would by Sara Lee crumb cakes and just eat the top. Buy a dozen chocolate chip cookies and just eat the chips leaving a pile of dough.  Thanks for the memory!  

This post brought to you by excess nicotine replacement which makes me loopy.   I do have times of actual clarity, but yes, I am losing my mind often.  I admit it.  

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