Grief removes all guard rails

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Kieron said:

A melon baller?  Nah!

Yeah, I have no patience for that, it tastes just the same cut up and takes a fraction of the time.  Not to say it doesn't look pretty, I just don't care that much to put in that effort.
I cook for my dog and by the time I do that, I don't want to spend hours cooking for me!  I love to make a pot of homemade soup though and everything I do make is from scratch.  I'm making Spinach Romano to take to my son's, it's safe for his KETO diet and it's a childhood memory for him...for me too, my MIL had it at Original Joe's (an Italian restaurant years ago) and came home and made it, I wrote down what she put in it and my kids love it growing up.

[Gwenivere]

Ugh, people here working on the deck and in the house.  Not the kind of human contact that’s fulfilling.  Going to escape to some errands that do nothing more than kill time mostly.  Then back to the solitude.  Our house looks like any other house at night with lights on behind closed blinds.  How very different it is tho from most.   No meals simmering,  no shared shows or movies or talk of the next day.  No talk at all about the day that is passing.

i noticed when I accidentally sent an email to myself last night how I sanitize how I truly feel.  I read what I wrote and thought no wonder it’s a surprise and I slip up and tell the truth.  But we all know they wouldn’t get it. I emailed my BIL a belated birthday message and mentioned I was going into my 5th holiday alone.  He said.nothing.  No acknowledgement hurts.  I think he has Aspbergers so I try to keep that in mind.  

So here comes another weekend and memories of dinners out and tasks together.  I’ll be deciding what to get take out instead of our talk of what to order at dinner.  I’m sure you al know the drill for all this kinda stuff.  And how being alone is now so very alone.

[kayc]

It sounds like you're getting around though, and that's good!  I doubt my sister will ever drive again, the thought of it is scary.  Yesterday Bert left her alone for the first time in months.  I think she appreciated her alone time.  She can go to the kitchen and the bathroom alone but still can't cook or do laundry or any housecleaning.  (No BLT: bending, lifting, twisting)  I think the biggest thing she had to learn in rehab was to be MINDFUL of what she's doing, she's never done that, hence a lot of falls.  She has to stop and think about everything she does, not easy for someone with dementia.  I hope it gets ingrained in her now, before her dementia progresses.

Leaving to my son's this morning, get to see my granddaughter!  Then Monday I'll be spending all day in the church office doing EOM and EOQ reports, bank reconciliations, etc.  Ugh.  Too much like work!

[Gwenivere]

I think back to the days a long time ago when I was stressed out.  How I would pour a Jack Daniels and mellow out.  No getting drunk, but just a nice respite occasionally.  Can’t do that now because I’m on too many meds that would make that dangerous.  I see so much TV now, I see the portrayal of just pouring a drink, flopping down and going ahhhhhhhh.   I remember Steve coming home some nights after a bad day at the office and doing that.  I really wish I had that option.  This getting older with less outlets is a true challenge.  Sometimes I don’t want to cry, I want to just feel warm inside.  Since the hospital life has become the most tense ever.  Missing him the hardest.  This is the anniversary month to top it off.  To hear the tinkling of ice in a glass would be so much nicer that this oxygen generator.  Looks nicer too.  Many moons ago we used to meet up on Saturday afternoons after respective errrands, have a cocktail, take a nice nap and then go out for dinner.   30 years sure changes ones lifestyle.  So did being immortal or at least ignorant about old age and it’s baggage.  🥃

[Margm]

8 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 This is the anniversary month to top it off.

I decided I would only have 11 months in the year.  Paid the bills on the 1st, now no more month.  Now I have to drive back up there Monday.  No, I do not want anyone with me that 175 miles up there or back.  I will talk to Billy.  I won't even play music.  No wait.....A Star is Born CD comes out Friday, so I will probably play it and cry to it.  

No, we cannot have the liquor.  But, I listen to them eating pistachio's, cans of mixed nuts and that and salads I miss terribly much.  I cannot have sliced tomatoes and when Mama used to try to make me watch my weight as a tween, I would wash tomatoes and radishes at the outside hose and fill up.  Favorite foods.  Yet I have gained 30 pounds.  Can have all the fried foods I want as long as they don't have seeds or any vegetable but green beans and cooked spinach.  I manage anyhow.  But I sure would just like to have a mixed greens salad, or a hamburger I could leave the raw onions, lettuce, tomato and pickles on.  But I can eat, oh man can I eat.  Just nothing fully healthy.  

I don't like this month either Gwen, and October was the month Billy would practice his photography.  I have so many of his pictures of October on the other computer.  I cannot bring myself to look at them.  He took so long ordering just the right camera and lens from Amazon, so very long that he really didn't even get to use it.  Kelli has a good photography business going though.  He would be proud of that.  He had good cameras, but always had to have better.  I wish he could have enjoyed it.  

[kayc]

Old age isn't for the faint-hearted, that's for sure.  I just listened to Anne's latest meditation.  I admit I struggle with anxiety over things that come my way (major home repairs, car not working, dog getting tumors, etc.) and am not very good at thinking I have all I need in life.  I am content with little, yet when something scary happens, anxiety kicks in, I panic.  Later I usually find I've wasted worry when all has worked out, but sometimes all does not work out, as we've seen in life.

I, too, cannot drink, Gwen, I have a bad liver.  Funny, I've lived my life as a teetotaler, and I ended up with a bad liver!  Like someone getting lung cancer that never smoked.  Oh well, life dishes out what it will, we have no control over it, only over our response.  I work on that, but it's a continual struggle it seems.

Options, what are the things that can bring us even momentary comfort?  I DO like a good cup of coffee, I find it comforting.  I had someone mention to me yesterday, "Oh you don't drink coffee."  I told them I DO drink coffee, but I'm picky about it, I don't like burned bitter coffee, which is why I turn it down at church and most friend's houses, I'd rather have my own special blend with freshly ground beans and my favorite hazelnut creamer.  Who wants that other bitter brew!  

Some like a special cup of tea, my daughter does, she used to be a barista and I love her coffee, but also her teas.  I don't know why I never think of a cup of tea.  Just out of the habit, I suppose.

Gwen and Marg, this can be a hard month for us...George and I were married in October...I never have figured out what to do with the 19th.  I do think the anv. of death is the hardest though.

[Margm]

Kay, I buy Billy a card, full of sentiment, on his birthday and our anniversary.  And I place them beside his beautiful wooden urn that I cannot see because my daughter had one of our last pictures together, we are both laughing, she placed this before his urn.  At night, I take three fingers, kiss them, and place them on his picture, which is in the hall bookcase next to my bedroom door.   We were happy that day.  We were at his sister's house in New Mexico.  Brianna always said he was so serious looking, we finally got a smile out of him and I see it many times a day.  That is who I talk to in the clouds.  He kept his hair, his brother and our son lost theirs and I tried to get him to grow it out into a pony tail, even a short one, but he eventually would cut it.  Cannot erase October, do not want to erase Billy, will never happen.

[KarenK]

Marg, such a nice picture of you and Billy! I keep one of Ron on the wall next to my computer. My other family photos are in a display cabinet with my Kachinas. Almost sad to look at some of them as you can see their lives being drained away.

I rarely drink anymore. Did my share of partying when I was younger. Sadly, Ron was not a nice person when he drank too much. I'd just fall asleep. Later in life, we'd share a Margarita with Mexican food. I usually have a bottle of Boone's Farm around, but it takes me forever to drink it(I go for the high class stuff).

I suppose May and July are my crappy months, both death anniversaries.

[Gwenivere]

Those death anniversaries take over everything else, don’t they?  An added off day of the year no one knows about but we will be haunted by forever.  October 29. It was never a day that meant anything for 58 years.  Now it is a focal point, but to me alone and I’m sure strangers who lost someone.  There’s no celebration for it.  Can’t call it a holiday.  It’s a day of utter heartbreak.  💔

 

[Gwenivere]

Wow, Boone’s  Farm?  I haven’t thought about that since I was a teenager.  Real class that one.  🙂

[Margm]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

I go for the high class stuff)

Yeah, I went for the high class stuff, Mogan David, all of them.

 

[kayc]

Marg, I love that picture, and I love your nightly ritual.  So sweet, starting out as kids, then growing old together, I wish we could have.

I never saw George drink, both our fathers were alcoholics so we were careful not to go there.

[TomPB]

I'm sober in AA. One of my first thoughts after losing Susan was to move to the Caribbean and resume my love affair with rum. Didn't do that and didn't pick up a drink at all. I think thats because of the foundation in sobriety I've built over many years. Also my AA support network became a grief support network. It's normal for us to share about our lives. Life is a very sad day at a time without Susan, but I know it would be worse without AA.

[kayc]

You can be proud of yourself, Tom, and of the foundation you and Susan built over the years, I know she is proud.  

[Gwenivere]

Had an odd experience today volunteering.  They’ve instituted rules that we volunteers must leave the building when we are done, no 'hanging around'.  I’ve been given half a hour longer I guess because I’ve informed them I’m not done on thier timetable.  A woman I was close with  said I had not been adhering to that, staying longer.  I can’t recall if my boss said she volunteered the info or was asked.  I know she is worried she will get in troublle as I go over talking with her.  My mind is so-messed up in this nicoine withdrawl I’m very sensitive.  She hasn’t been in from being sick.  I have to wait til she is back.  I felt like my heart was broken.  Did she do this herself or asked?  I know she doesn’t like confrontation, but if she did feel worried about her job (and there’s no way she would be fired, I’m the one breaking the new rule), it makes me feel less important to her and she is someone I truly care for.  I want to believe she was grilled by the new nazi admin gal that dislikes me and I don’t know why.  I prefer hearing this stuff from the person involved, not thru second hand sources.  I don’t know if any of you have this level of sensitivity, but it hurts til I find out.  It’s liking adding more weight to my pack.  All she would have had to say is she thinks it could hurt her job.  I wouldn’t agree, but I’d respect her feelings.  I truly hope I am wrong that she would report me.  There have been other times she has sad you better go before you get into trouble.  I don’t know how to back burner this stuff when it happens.  I’m a let’s get it settled fast kinda gal.  It’s like Marg has said.....many wounds that the scar tissue can be ripped of and often we don’t know they are there.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I feel for you Gwen.  When we are sensitive because we aren't functioning as we used to and top of it withdrawl from nicotine everything seems a mess.  Not having an understanding person we can talk to also adds to the problem and our emotional pain.

I hope you can get a decent sleep and that the morning will bring you some relief from yesterday's situation.

[KarenK]

Gwen,

This just p's me off that you and other volunteers are treated this way to begin with. You are taking nothing away from the company by staying longer as a volunteer and enhancing the lives of the residents as well. What is the problem or is management just dense? You'd think they would be appreciative.

I would hope your friend would come to you if she had a problem. Maybe management has "flies on the wall" to report all the BIG rule breakers. 

[Gwenivere]

Back when I started almost 25 years ago, we stayed as long as we wanted.   No one hung around if there was nothing to do..  I’ve already told them I will not leave if a resident wants to talk.  There are some very lonely people there and I sure can relate to that.  This 'policy' came to light months ago.  There were meetings and I got emails of their decision.  I felt paranoid but was getting past that.....til today.  I Another volunteer I know was singled out too. I just need to talk to the woman I know and see how this came down.  Things could be worse, I could be the woman that has turned staff and volunteers tense and sucking the the warmth from the place.  

Yup nic withdrawl does NOT help.  I’m not on my game and 2 weeks away from having lost Steve 4 years ago.  

Thanks for all the support!  ❤️

[kayc]

I'm sensitive without nicotine w/d!  Just Sunday I had someone accuse my dog of biting them, I was there, he didn't bite, he's not aggressive, he's never bitten anyone, not even the dogs who have attacked him.  He had just "talked" to her (Husky talk), which he only does with people he likes, he was very friendly.  When she put her hand out like she did, he thought she was playing a game I play with him, where I try to get him before he gets me.  It doesn't hurt, he's very gentle, and he grins when we play it.  He's never done it with anyone but me, but it was the quick way she moved towards him that made him think "Oh, she's going to play with me!"  She made fun of me and got sarcastic and said, "Oh MY dog wouldn't bite!" like "my little Johnny or Susie wouldn't do anything wrong!".  She refused to listen to me, so I took him and left.  It was a neighbor.  I will avoid her from now on because I don't want more problems and she's not approachable, won't talk in a decent way.  Ironically, it was HER dog that jumped a back fence on June 30th and made a beeline right for us, attacked Arlie, no provocation, knocking me down in the process!  I got cuts and bruises, and we were shaken, but I let it go.  She saw it happen, didn't help me up, but took after her dog to get him back.  Now that's a dog that's aggressive.  I wouldn't call him vicious or it would have been a lot worse, but aggressive at least.  We had never met him, he's always in the back yard, no reason for this.  We were not on their property but had walked by, on the street, Arlie on his leash.

Sometimes when stuff like this happens and it's personal, it hurts.  It's hard to know how to respond.  In your situation, I feel inflamed, like Karen expressed, that they'd treat you like this after all these years of volunteering!  I just don't get it!  What happened to appreciation?  Throw in everything else that's on your plate, and it can feel a bit much.  I'm sorry you're going through it, Gwen.  It seems whoever is making the rules could at least explain their reasoning in person, I hate this underhanded stuff.

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Another volunteer I know was singled out too. I just need to talk to the woman I know and see how this came down.  Things could be worse, I could be the woman that has turned staff and volunteers tense and sucking the the warmth from the place.  

I’m not on my game and 2 weeks away from having lost Steve 4 years ago.  

Thanks for all the support!  ❤️

Gwen:  Hopefully when you have a chance to talk to the other volunteer you will have an understanding of this what happened.  None of us need additional "bumps in the road" dealing with life without our "Love". 

Take care and know you have support.

Dee 

[olemisfit]

Gwen, I'll share something with you that my mother used to say to me when she would see me down in the dumps when somebody had done or said something unpleasant to me. In this case it would be you when you're around your boss where you volunteer. Just paste a happy grin on your face and let her wonder what in the hell you've got to be so happy about.  My grandmother used to tell us kids that it takes fewer facial muscles to smile than it does to frown.

If someone is trying to beat you down, don't let her win.  She isn't worth it!

Hang in there. We're all pullin' for ya.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[Gwenivere]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TomPB]

"Management" is out of control. I think it happens in all societies as they age. At the peak of the British empire Gilbert & Sullivan joked about Sir Joseph who was the "ruler of the queen's navy" even tho the only ship he had ever seen was his junior partnership in a law firm. And it's painful when we constantly run into its stupidity. My sympathies, Gwen.

[Gwenivere]

This is power, Tom.  A very unhappy person that wants others to feel the same and has the ability to do it. People generally want to be liked.  Know I do, so I don’t understand at all her motivations.  You’d think she’d want people to treat her the way she squashes it for us.  And it would be so simple.  Stop being a bitch.  🙂

[Margm]

21 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 You’d think she’d want people to treat her the way she squashes it for us.  And it would be so simple.  Stop being a bitch.  🙂

Gwen, can you go to the public library and write something similar to what you wrote and send it to her email anonymously ?  Might make her meaner though.