Grief removes all guard rails

[Gwenivere]

I like the way your devilish mind works, Marg.  😈

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Stop being a bitch.

Ahh but alas that is the one thing some people find themselves elusive to muster!

[Margm]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Stop being a bitch

Oh heck Gwen, if I stopped being a bitch then all the fun would go out of my life.  My sister just called, to hell with this rehab no cigarette stuff, she has to have a cigarette now.  I was going to get her but my daughter has already gone.  Really, if I have to quit being a bitch I have got to learn to be someone else.  I hear echoes of that damn Indian doctor telling me "You've got to learn to love yourself."  Times up.  Pay over 100 dollars for less than 15 minutes.  People like him make bitches out of me.  (My daughter went to get my sister, told her she was grouchy, and she is now smoking her cigarette telling Kelli she is about to have  her sweet aunt again.  Lawdy. 

[Gwenivere]

The stop being a bitch was directed at my nemesis at work, but if you want to be one too , I say go for it!   😀

 

[Margm]

I knew who it was and I think that should be the heading of the anonymous letter you go to the library and send it through the office email, and also corporate email addressed to "the bitch" whatever her  name is.  

Actually, as many hours as you have logged in at that place they should have a plaque for "head volunteer" and an office and all the business comes down through you and bypasses "the bitch."  What you do is donating your time, what she does is dictate, and you should not be able to dictate to precious volunteers or you will have to pay money for someone to take their place.

[kayc]

I've seen it time and again.  My good friend, Jackie, got volunteer of the year award last year, this year the B**** that runs the place told her she was no longer needed.  Wow.  The division it's caused at the senior site isn't likely to heal.

[Gwenivere]

Got even 'better' yesterday.  I was told they are cancelling my Monday coffee hour to try some other activity, but don’t know what yet.  So I said, well, I’ll come in til you do.  I was then told no, you don’t have to come in next Monday.  Hmmmm. I sent an email last night (yet to be answered and my boss usually does in the morning) saying I find this confusing.  She told me I had been averse to working with other volunteers when I asked if I could be involved in whatever to new activity was.  I reminded her she had me train.new volunteers twice and I’ve worked parties.  I had also heard for some odd reason, my social hour was not listed for November's activity calendar they give the residents.  They said mistake, I say they lied to me.  I left and sat in tears in the parking lot.  

All this has happened with the new administration.  I’ve never changed who I always was there.  I adhere to thier new rules.   As they have targeted another volunteer I know I’m going to call her for take AND go by next Monday and see what’s going on at 3.  Something stinks.  Oh, and they have cut out 8 resident rooms for.offices and storage.  No activity there gets a large crowd anymore.  Back in the old days it took 2 of us to do coffee sometimes.  

My 4th anniversary of Steve's leaving is next. Monday.  Going there I felt would at least get me some human contact.  I feel so disposable.  I have also lost what little respect I had for my boss who is a 'yes' person unlike my previous bosses that truly cared for us.  I felt like an idiot because I had told her about a change needed when I hit there (to protect the residents from one who touched all the cookies) and she didn’t have the balls to tell me right then instead of waiting til I was signing out.  At the very least, my previous bosses would have been honest with me as soon as they knew something.

[kayc]

Gwen,

It sounds exactly like what is going on here at the senior center.  She had a "honor volunteers" time and "honored" everyone but me and of course my friend Jackie that she dismissed.  I do the grunge work, the heavy lifting, so everyone else can sit and visit and enjoy themselves, I am faithful, treat it just like a job.  She has tried everything to get rid of the Bingo that the people love, tried competing against it with board games, doodling, etc. that people don't want.  The truth is the new manager doesn't like people or noise and wishes we'd all just go away, but the problem is her, not the people.  The job is an ill fit for her...or I should say the other way around.  We've tried talking to her supervisor, haven't gotten anywhere, as long as she does her paperwork, that's all they seem to care.  Nothing makes any sense.

There is a new trend in the working world...they "fire" you at the end of the work day.  That way they can squeeze the last bit of work out of you and have as little disruption as possible when fewer people are around to witness it.  They don't care about the employee/volunteer.  When I lost my last job it went down that way, at the end of the day, no notice given, effective immediately.  It matters little to them how much we've given of ourselves, how above and beyond we've gone.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, no one should be treated like that.

[Widowedbysuicide]

This is well said Kay.  

[Margm]

You should not be treated like this as an employee for sure, but a volunteer?  Suppose all the volunteers stayed away and the aides and nurses had to do all the work that the volunteers do for one week, then see who  complains, see which  head is on the chopping block.  Library, anonymous letter to office and corporate.

[Gwenivere]

Monday Steve will be gone for 4 years.  I’m already in the dark funk.   Ask myself why that date has to be so relevant.  A tortuous reminder of what I live everyday.   I wish I could remove the actual date from my mind.  It serves no purpose but to grind in what I already know and offers nothing positive in any way.  Knowing the month is hard enough.  As my volunteering is cancelled on Monday, I haven’t a clue what I will do.  I have no desire to do something 'nice' for myself, that only magnifies it.  I’m so full of anger and despair.  This last week was full of challenges I had to face alone.  That will never change.  I don’t want a 'special' day to remind me why.  

[Margm]

One of my classmates has cancer and the prognosis is not great.  I have not talked to him in 58 years.  We were just classmates.  We have someone in our class that lets us know when a classmate is ill.  I wrote him an email telling him what I had gone through and I'm still here and talked about Jimmy Carter, so sometimes people can beat these things.  He was more my cousin's friend (that we lost to cancer a few years ago), so I thought after 58 years I better identify myself.  First off, he told me he remembered me and my freckles very well.  He said a few more things about his treatment, prayers, miracles, faith, and then when  he signed it, he signed it with his name "I love you.....Billy" and I burst out crying.  Of course he cannot help it if his name is Billy also.  

Gwen, I hid the month of October on the calendar and changed it from September to November this week.  It did not get rid of October.  We do what we can.  My heart is with you.💗

[kayc]

I can't get rid of October, I was born then!  And George and I loved October, the leaves turning color, it's when we married.  But June is hard for me, it's his birthday, his death day, Father's Day, his other death day anniversary.  My dad's birthday, my parent's anniversary.  All these reminders of special people gone now.  But I can't get rid of June either, it's my daughter's birthday.  And her scoundrel husband's birthday.  Oh pain!

[Margm]

We cannot get rid of months, days, or hours, not even seconds.  We can get through them and treat them any way that makes us feel defiant, better, or no feeling at all.  We do what each of us has to do, what  each of us can handle, and there is certainly no making us feel good about  it other than another day  is gone.  No rhyme, lots of reason.

[scba]

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Monday Steve will be gone for 4 years.  I’m already in the dark funk.   Ask myself why that date has to be so relevant.  A tortuous reminder of what I live everyday.   I wish I could remove the actual date from my mind.  It serves no purpose but to grind in what I already know and offers nothing positive in any way.  Knowing the month is hard enough.  As my volunteering is cancelled on Monday, I haven’t a clue what I will do.  I have no desire to do something 'nice' for myself, that only magnifies it.  I’m so full of anger and despair.  This last week was full of challenges I had to face alone.  That will never change.  I don’t want a 'special' day to remind me why.  

Dear Gwen,

No, the date is not relevant and it serves to no purpose. How the date could offer any positive When you have been grieving for another whole year? I understand your anger and despair. I have learned too that nobody else will come to help us to face what challenges are left to us. We were left alone with this and that. Pain coming from loss and from being/feeling helpless and alone is advised with: "go to counselling"."Find hobbies". 

We are here to listen.

Ana

[Gwenivere]

If I hear about getting a hobby again from an outsider, I think I will probably be arrested for assault.  How can people possibly think that a hobby can fill the void?  I can see where it is something to turn to if you have an existing one.  I don’t.  Nothing interests me and it is just making it thru another day.  I’ve tried to think of something but I can’t.  I’m not an artsy craftsy person like making cards, knitting, any of that stuff.  Projects were my thing and often Steve was drawn into them too.  I’m sure people outside his music buddies thought it was a hobby to him.  It was is passion.  He wouldn’t be whole without it.  Passion or project, it just kiills me we can’t show each other anymore what we did.  The enthusiasm, smiles, frustrations.  I just solved a minor computer problem on my own and while relieved I didn’t have to call tech support (which used to be 1-800-Steve), I can’t prance by him and tease him that I didn’t need him this time.  He’d act sad, but knew he would have been impressed.  

A hobby?  Geez, I can barely get laundry, dinner or the dogs brushed because I am so consumed by physical pain, my dog going deaf from the treatments trying to cure an ear infection, trying to quit smoking, politics where I volunteer and the anniversary of his death kicking off the holidays.  I’d be a great addition to The Walking Dead series, except I draw the line on eating brains.

[Margm]

Hobby???  Do you get paid for all these years of volunteering?  No, you seem to get annoyance from staff instead of an appreciation..  You are  taken for granted and really, if you wanted to show them, then you and your fellow volunteers do not show up for 2-3 days in a row.  How would you have time for a hobby, you already give your  time away to a staff that owes you more appreciation than you get.  But, if you did not volunteer, you would be letting the patients that only have one relief during the day and that is seeing you and your fellow volunteers.  

Someone, somewhere (not this forum) was talking about appreciating silence.  I hate silence, that is why I love my apartment.  I try to fill that  huge void in my head and heart with words from books, I do not want to think, I do not want silence.  

Heart still with y'all. 💗💗💗

[scba]

52 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

How can people possibly think that a hobby can fill the void?  I can see where it is something to turn to if you have an existing one.  I don’t.  Nothing interests me and it is just making it thru another day.

A hobby won´t fill the void, and won´t make our issues dissapeared, they´ll be waiting for us upon our return to our home. During these years I´ve been attending random courses which have absolutely nothing to do with my educational background nor my skills, just for making time pass. Because they are not related, my brain can´t make connections with my past and my loss.

I go there, pay attention, make questions and go home. I don´t take notes nor I search further information afterwards. I don´t feel changed nor joyful. It is a tactic. Of course I wish that would change and turn into something close to a hobby. 

So what´s the point if it doesn´t ignite something. I take the fact of keeping a schedule as the "gain" of the hobby suggestion.

This has been my experience, for what´s worth.

 

[scba]

5 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I do not want to think, I do not want silence.  

Heart still with y'all. 💗💗💗

I don´t want silence either

[Margm]

I started in a group, it involved all grief and mine hurt but somehow the other grief shared from the others made me feel worse.  I talked to two separate pastors of two separate churches, cannot say  separate faith because we shared that.  I saw their lips moving.  I didn't hear anything.  I have not searched any more yet.  Until I am ready to listen there is no need to go.  

My son moves back down here this week.  I am glad of that.  When he calls I hear Billy.  When he talks I hear Billy.  My daughter took after her Nanny, her Maw, and her aunt.  But everyone says she looks like me.  Poor kid.  Middle aged kid.  Gosh I am ancient. 

[scba]

I´m glad your son will be close to you, Marg.

Some groups are not suitable for our needs but you don´t need to feel bad about it.

PErhaps a book club?

[Gwenivere]

My volunteering is my 'hobby', for lack of a better word.  It’s all I have that I feel is mine and makes a difference outside myself.  Being with people that light up and speak your name is a wonderful feeling.  Tomorrow would be a volunteer day, but the b*tch in power took it away.  I was SO looking forward to it as it is the date of 4 years of no Steve.  The timing couldn’t be worse.  I’d actually have a reason to smile being with my people.  Don’t know what I’m gonna do.  His van needs gas and a run.  Used to be I just grabbed my cigs and phone.  Now I have the oxygen tank, disability placard and nicotine lozenges.  I guess I’ll just see how I feel when I wake up.  Gotta get out here for awhile.  To top things off, we’ve been in downpours and expected tomorrow too.  Could it get any more depressing?  I don’t wanna know.

[kayc]

Gwen,

You were on my mind when I woke up today.  You're right about the rain, it's been pouring since yesterday, I feel like it's going to carry us away!  I got my pickup back last night (mouse nest in heater fan) just before the heavens dumped the rain full blast, thankfully no sooner as I had to walk to the mechanic's to pick it up.  Not looking forward to walking the dog today!

Marg,

I like silence.  I like the stillness and peace that comes in the night.  What I don't like is never having George to share in anything with me.  That silence is deafening.

I have too much to do this week.  I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to do the church books.  I wish I could on Wednesday but the secretary is using the computer that day.  I have a hobby, I haven't dappled in it much in the last few years. I seem to be lacking the "want to" for things.  I don't want to do anything I don't have to do.  The desire impetus is just gone missing.

[widow'15]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My volunteering is my 'hobby', for lack of a better word.  It’s all I have that I feel is mine and makes a difference outside myself.  Being with people that light up and speak your name is a wonderful feeling.  Tomorrow would be a volunteer day, but the b*tch in power took it away.  I was SO looking forward to it as it is the date of 4 years of no Steve.  The timing couldn’t be worse.  I’d actually have a reason to smile being with my people.  Don’t know what I’m gonna do.  His van needs gas and a run.  Used to be I just grabbed my cigs and phone.  Now I have the oxygen tank, disability placard and nicotine lozenges.  I guess I’ll just see how I feel when I wake up.  Gotta get out here for awhile.  To top things off, we’ve been in downpours and expected tomorrow too.  Could it get any more depressing?  I don’t wanna know.

Gwen:  Please know you are in my thoughts, especially today.   Just try to do one thing today that will give you a tiny piece of Joy.  The weather up here has been trying to say the least.  If you don't like the weather, just wait a minute and it will change.  Learned that when I met my hubby up here and decided this was where I was going to live some 50+ years ago.   

My son in law, God love him, mailed me a small box of chocolates from Oregon and I just devoured one and somehow, I feel better at the moment,  and the sun just came out from behind one of those dark rain clouds.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Today, 4 years ago, I got the call Steve died as I was getting ready to go over to the hospice.  It was almost relief as I had been watching him die for weeks there and a month before at home.  I declined coming to see him before they called the coroner.  I didn’t want to see the shell that once housed the person that was my life.  I’ve never felt guilt about that decision.  Last night I cried myself to sleep.  Our eldest dig is deaf now so she couldn’t hear me but finally saw the tears and tried licking them away.  I used to talk to her about 'dad' when we laid in bed.  I miss her not hearing me even if she didn’t understand.  I feel so bitterly alone this time around. The nursing home cancelled my Monday's so that weighs heavy on me.  I could have used being with people.  I’ve moved stuff I need to Steve’s van and am going to take it out for gas and errands.  It feels masochistic.  I really don’t know why I am doing it.  I hate this is getting to be familiar pain.  

And here’s the big question I think about every single frigging day.....what am I waiting for?  I keep getting more and.more limited, finding more voids and merely existing.  For what reason?    I want to scream and shout and walk into a warm home.  I’m becoming more physically limited week by week.  Without family or friends in real time, I am just fading away.  

Thanks to everyone that sent thoughts today.  I cling to those and love you all.  ❤️