Grief removes all guard rails

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, scba said:

I don´t want silence either

I find silence a double edge sword.  Sometimes  I can’t stand the chatter of life, others it intensifies the loneliness.  I never know which when before I never gave it a 2nd thought as things were in balance.  Of course I didn’t have my TV on most the time andvthose darned drug ads that seem to be more prevalent than everyday products.  I know more drug names now than ever.  Something to fill what little space in my head I was hoping more for some contentment.  Those, lawyers, life insurance and cremation services.  Need more Dorito ads like the fetchbdog and bear and Subaru with the golden retrievers driving.   Thank gawd for Fallen and Kimmel late night.

[Margm]

My heart is with you and all our other lonely, empty thoughts.  I went to pick up my sister and she was talking about the clouds shape.  I did not even look.  I did not talk to Billy.  The other day all I could see was blue sky and I said, well, guess i won't talk to you today, and then today I was oblivious.  

I hope the nursing home treats you better, they are being mean to their patients    

[shebert56]

Today is my second day of really bad grieving.  I think some of mine is that I've been pushing it aside for other things that needed attention.  Those things are coming to a close.  Also Halloween approaching.  It was one of Stephen's favorite holidays.  I've been invited to join a neighbor that night, and I may do that.  If I feel like doing it.  I give myself permission to do or not do.  

Yesterday I took the pup for a walk around the neighborhood, wearing sunglasses and crying most of the way.  I still needed to get out.  Retiring a year ago was such a joyous occasion for me, and trust me, I am so grateful that I was able to spend as much of my days as possible helping Stephen through his all too brief cancer journey.  And no, I don't need nor want to go back to work.  But I've got to find a way to refocus my soul elsewhere.  There are a group of retired ladies in my neighborhood who lunch together once a month.  I hear it's mostly a gossip session, so not sure that's what I really need right now. 

The silence doesn't bother me one way or the other.  I have no anxiety in the mornings or going to bed at night.  It's middle of the afternoon for me.  So guess I need to find a distraction to fill that void.  I am not "feeling" Stephen as I so clearly did the first month, and I am mourning that as well.  Gosh, grief is a vicious circle.

I have ordered a book on grief that was recommended on another post here.  

Wishing everyone moments of peace amongst the chaos.

~Shirley 

 

 

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, my heart goes out to you, I feel what you are conveying.  You ask what you are waiting for, I guess it's the same for all of us.  We're all in different physical situations, but I find this growing old alone thing  very hard, it's not something we can begin to put into words that others can understand...unless, until you're there, you can't get it.  Much the way grief is.  I become more and more aware of how "on my own" I am.  I catch myself talking to myself.  I don't know what I'd do without my goofy dog and even my demanding cat.  Yesterday I tickled Arlie on the bottom of his back paw and he started smiling...God I love that dog!  He's always good for a smile.  Even Kitty has gotten closer to me this year, she was always grumpy but now I realize she's kind of paranoid, like my mom was, and it gives me a little more understanding for her.  I'm trying to be more compassionate with her, more bellyrubs and tolerance.

My ride to the senior site cancelled last night, I haven't been there for two weeks as I thought I was coming down with a cold and ear infection, turned out to be allergies, not contagious, but I didn't know that at the time.  My allergies are worse than they've been in years, too much smoke in the air.

Stupid wood stove glass broke again yesterday, will be upwards of $400 to get it replaced and like pulling teeth to get them to come out, but must be done.  I don't get why it broke, I haven't banged it, no wood fell into it.  They won't believe me, doesn't matter, not under warranty anyway.  Ahh but if George was here to deal with them...but he isn't.  I have to buck up and do it.  Again.

[Gwenivere]

Yesterday was Steve’s bday.  I stayed busy all day but it’s hitting me now.  Jolted back to reality.  My walking is getting worse, the nicotine withdrawal is scrambling my brain, had to get another chest X-ray and waiting on results for another possible infection and my dog has been acting strange after her ear treatments.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  There is not one minute in my day I have any solace.  Pain and. Isolation (even with people), the 2 most effective torture techniques.  All my mind keeps saying is.....I want to be free. Crying doesn’t help.  It just feels more lonely as there is no one here.  

[brat#2]

You are in my thoughts and heart.  Hugs

[Gin]

So sorry, Gwen that you are hurting so bad (physically and mentally).   I agree that loneliness is the worst torture.  Keeping busy is good, but it does not take away the pain!  Hope things settle down for you.

gin

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Yesterday was Steve’s bday.  I stayed busy all day but it’s hitting me now.  Jolted back to reality.  My walking is getting worse, the nicotine withdrawal is scrambling my brain, had to get another chest X-ray and waiting on results for another possible infection and my dog has been acting strange after her ear treatments.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  There is not one minute in my day I have any solace.  Pain and. Isolation (even with people), the 2 most effective torture techniques.  All my mind keeps saying is.....I want to be free. Crying doesn’t help.  It just feels more lonely as there is no one here.  

Gwen, unfortunately there's nothing I can say to truly give you any real comfort or solace. I'm so sorry these health issues are making things so much more difficult than they already are. And with it being the anniversary of Steve's birthday you probably feel like the poor critter in that whack-a-mole game. One hard hit after another. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's just plain hard.

Just know that we all care about you and hope that there's some glimmer of joy in your near future.

Mitch

 

[Gwenivere]

Thanks everyone.  I wish I could just go to sleep til February.  😢

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Yesterday was Steve’s bday.  I stayed busy all day but it’s hitting me now.   

It just feels more lonely as there is no one here.  

Those special days our memories tell us used to be a Happy Day can be so difficult.  Even though we pretend we can get through them there is always that painful reality there will never be that Happy Day celebration again.

Gwen, you may be alone with no one there right now, but please know you are in my thoughts during this difficult time.  Will hope the x-ray will provide you some hopeful news so you can begin to get stronger.  Dee  

[kayc]

Mitch described it best, whack a mole, if it wasn't so profound I would have laughed at that.  Sometimes it's hard to even stay in survival mode.  I see winter fast approaching, it's very cold, and with it, depression.  Can't wait until April when Spring emerges.

[TomPB]

After 48 yrs of unconditional love I could remember something sweet about Susan that I'd forgotten several times a day for the rest of my life and never repeat! With holiday season creeping up so many random thoughts of our T-day and Christmas rituals. To the non-grieving those are the "wonderful memories" but they still mainly make me cry.

[mittam99]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

I see winter fast approaching, it's very cold, and with it, depression.  Can't wait until April when Spring emerges.

For a variety of reasons, this time of year has become the hardest for me. Not just because our anniversary was on Christmas Eve or all the celebratory holidays coming up that now have so little joy to them. Back in 2014, this was the time of year that Tammy's health took that turn for the worse. The weather that year and into 2015 was some of the worst we've ever had here. It's deeply depressing. There's a chill in the air and gloomy feelings abound for so many reasons.

Let's hope all of us that live in cold weather States have mild winters. That would be a positive development, for sure.

 

[Gin]

Yes, Mitch.  It is hard enough to have to be alone so much.  Bad weather compounds it.

[TomPB]

12 hours ago, Gin said:

Yes, Mitch.  It is hard enough to have to be alone so much.  Bad weather compounds it.

We have one thermostat for our building and at the start of heating season there's always adjustments as some are too hot, some are too cold. I always said I don't care if the bedroom's cold since I have Susan to warm me up. Now sleeping alone much worse in cold weather.

[kayc]

It's been in the 20s here at night and takes a good share of the day to warm up into the 40s.  Many states are accustomed to this, but here, that feels cold, especially in an old mobile home where the walls do little to keep the heat in.  No wonder I keep this wood stove burning!  

But it's not only the cold, it's bad road that occur in winter snows and ice that isolate us and keep us from traveling to family/friends over the holidays.  The county does little to keep the roads open and traffic flowing like in years past.

Mitch, I'm afraid you're hit on a level that few of us experience.

[Margm]

Tom, I guess anyone with my low intelligence should be able to operate a thermostat.   This is true. Billy would explain (he was so gentle), but I was going to understand!!!  Only, I never could.  Billy took the time to draw me a picture and tape it beside the thermostat.  I don't have that picture anymore.....either.

[TomPB]

Marg, I'd like a picture explaining how to have Susan sleeping next to me again.

[Margm]

My magical thinking mother would say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  My more down to earth mother-in-law would say "wish in one hand and _______t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest".   I would hope if that was possible, after three years, I would sure try perfecting that picture, but since I have a hard time with a thermostat, I cannot even conjure up feeling him close to me in the past few months.  I looked up at the clouds today, they were hanging heavy and cold like my heart and I told Billy that he is only a wishful memory and I missed him terribly.  He used to be able to pinch with big toe and next toe.  I wear socks in winter.  So many things to miss.  

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Marg M said:

Tom, I guess anyone with my low intelligence should be able to operate a thermostat.   This is true. Billy would explain (he was so gentle), but I was going to understand!!!  Only, I never could.  Billy took the time to draw me a picture and tape it beside the thermostat.  I don't have that picture anymore.....either.

You mean you can understand a thermostat???

I have a mind for books & numbers and people, not mechanical things.

[Margm]

Kay, my granddaughter has been hypothyroid since age 8, probably even before.  She will say "Mamol, are you cold?"  "Mamol, are you hot?"  My temperature actually remains about the same.  If I am too cool, I will put on a sweater, if I am too hot, will pull it off.  Living with her is like living with a menopausal woman year round.  She takes levothyroxine and has  her levels checked often.  Just one of the joys of hypothyroidism.  This thermostat has something to push on top with numbers resulting and something on bottom, with numbers resulting.  I miss Billy for so many reasons.  I could not find anything to switch it from cold to heat and kept poking things with my finger.  Viola, a punch in the middle kind of opened a little door.  I pulled on it and now we have heat or cool.  (That was when we first moved in.)  Sometimes in summer I will pull the icicles off my nose and Brianna has punched numbers.  I do have her an electric throw blanket, one for Kelli too, because Kelli is hypothyroid also.   

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

My magical thinking mother would say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  My more down to earth mother-in-law would say "wish in one hand and _______t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest".   

Marg M:  Thank you for being Marg.  You can always add light to a dreary day.   Dee

[Gwenivere]

Ditto.  I don’t know what we’d without Marg.  Who’d tell us great southern stories?  Who’d we match each of our sanities with?  🤪

[Margm]

Why. I'd be plum insulted if someone tried to top my brand of mentality.  Brianna seems to Think we have too many cousins marrying.  She says she was glad to be adopted and most of her cousins were still in Thailand.  She laughs cause my first "crush" was a 4th cousin named Homer. He did not share same feelings.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

I pulled on it and now we have heat or cool.

I just build a fire.  If it's shoulder season and it gets too warm, I open the patio door.  I had someone out to work on my furnace less than two years ago but it didn't work and they never came back.  My thermostat is 41 years old and still works but a lot of good it does with a bum furnace.