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Grief removes all guard rails


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Sometimes I write my word salads, go back and read them and just delete.  My feelings sometimes are like anesthesia, not asleep, but no feeling, just automatic movement, no thinking.  My  heart is with all that are suffering.  I've lived too long, seen too much.  

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We haven't heard from you much lately, Marg, I hope everything is okay?

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Well, as luck would have it, I’ve caught a cold.  Really concerned as that is what landed me in the hospital last summer.  I’m hoping the no smoking saves me from even needing antibiotics as I usually get bronchitis.  Taking my eldest dog to the vet Friday as she is having tremors and my cousin, the dog whisperer, says she thinks it’s pain.  I do too because she comes and stares at me looking like she wants help.  The cold made counseling a phone session and those are not very fulfilling.  I won’t be able to volunteer tomorrow.  I feel like a leper. Up until after New Years week, everything is out of sync.  I don’t don’t do well with that.  I have to get out everyday to get some perspective.  Be among the living even if they annoy me.  Feel a small part of the world which is easy to not if I stay holed up here.  So many things I would like to do but can’t from limitations.  There’s an inner anger simmering all the time.  Sleep is getting worse thinking of all the changes.  And as always, I come back to if he were here how these life things would be so much easier to handle if I could relax because we shared the burdens.  When we were together the world was optional.  Ours was just dandy.  We even had a system about colds and didn’t get the other sick.  Just babbling.  Wish he were going to the vet with me.  We miss big strong dad.  He was calming for all of us.  If only Santa was real.

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I'm sorry, Gwen, rotten timing leading up to the holidays, to be stranded in with a cold, not to mention how it makes you feel.  I don't know if you like to read or not, but I'd be huddled on the couch with a quilt and a good book, maybe some hot cider.

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I don’t know what I am going to do leading up to Christmas.  This cold is getting the better of me and I have to keep reminding myself everyone feels awful when they are sick.  This isn’t just grief and the smoking withdrawl.  I sure miss being super woman,  tomorrow is vet day for my dog and I am very nervous.  At almost 14 I have many concerns.  It’s also supposed to be very rainy and windy.  She’ll be scared as always so that bleeds onto me.  I nixed taking the youngin in for her vaccination as 2 scared dogs was too much.  She goes Monday.  I so miss Steve to wring our hands with regarding tiomorrow..  those are some of the guardrails I so miss.  I could use one to lean on right now.  I nice warm, tall Nd blue eyed one.

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I hope all goes well with your dog, Gwen.  I understand, Arlie will soon turn 11 and that's getting up there for such a big dog, especially with his condition, but so far he's doing well considering.  I hope your dog does okay going in.

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This isn’t just grief and the smoking withdrawl.  I sure miss being super woman,  tomorrow is vet day for my dog and I am very nervous.  At almost 14 I have many concerns.  It’s also supposed to be very rainy and windy.  She’ll be scared as always so that bleeds onto me.

Gwen:  I read this note from you last night as I was getting ready to go to bed and did not respond with my concern for you and your Arlie at that time.  I understand this fear you have for him at this stage of his sweet life.  I did go to bed and offered up a prayer for you and Arlie.  Am hoping the appointment went well. 

Thinking of you.  Dee

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Thank you, Dee.  You confused my dog with Kay’s,  mine is Ally and a few years older.  The appointment went OK, waiting on blood work.  I’m hoping some possibilities are not in her future.  The topper was the battery of my cR was drained when we were trying to leave, do had to call the auto club.  Just niormal life things that get so draining in grief survival mode.  It was also hard to be around all the excited Christmas employees there.  Knowing you will be alone, again.  I see, to be one that it just keeps getting harder.  Hearing everyone else’s plans I smile thru while my heart keeps breaking.  I’ll never get used to his not bing here to do nothing with.  In that nothing was everything.  It wasn’t about the presents or decorations (tho they were fun), it was about being with that mad worth living.

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Gwen,

I'm so relieved for you that things are "so far, so good" with Ally. You definitely don't need another "hit" right now. My Marley's Lupus is under control for now, although she is on an antibiotic and vitamin long term. She appears to be having a hip problem late at night. She's like a granny when she gets up. Am going to try Glucosamine. Don't think it has anything to do with the Lupus.

For some of us, Christmas will never be the same. There is no joy anymore, but I try for the ones that are here. My heart breaks for you also. I'm not religious, but last Christmas Eve or maybe the one before(can't remember), I went to a church service just for the beauty and the peace. It's something to think about.

Hope your cold is clearing up.

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank you, Dee.  You confused my dog with Kay’s,  mine is Ally and a few years older.  The appointment went OK, waiting on blood work.  I’m hoping some possibilities are not in her future.  The topper was the battery of my cR was drained when we were trying to leave, do had to call the auto club.  Just niormal life things that get so draining in grief survival mode.

Gwen:  Oops, sorry I confused the fur babies.  I seem to have to write EVERYTHING down to remember anymore.  Today as I was walking my Maddie, I stopped to talk briefly with a couple of neighbors and had to smile and respond to their questions if I'm looking forward to Christmas.  So hard to say, smiling, "yes".

Anyway, am still hoping Ally is okay.  It's no fun waiting for those blood work results.  

I can remember the first time I had to call AAA when the grand kids didn't shut the car door properly and the battery was drained.  As I am rushing to go somewhere, I tried to start the car and that sickening grinding noise that told me the battery was not going to do anything.  I could only cry until I realized, I had AAA.  One more thing I never had to worry about having a husband to take care of those issues.  Good for you, you had the auto club to come to your rescue.  I only hope you weren't out during the horrendous high winds today in the Northwest. Hoping for good news.  Dee

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33 minutes ago, KarenK said:

 Am going to try Glucosamine. Don't think it has anything to do with the Lupus.

For some of us, Christmas will never be the same. There is no joy anymore, but I try for the ones that are here. My heart breaks for you also. I'm not religious, but last Christmas Eve or maybe the one before(can't remember), I went to a church service just for the beauty and the peace. It's something to think about.

Hope your cold is clearing up.

The vet recommended a glucosamine supplement with a bunch of other things in it.  Takes months to work, if they do, but my baby is worth it.  I thought about going to some church as so many are having services at about 5.  But I would feel hypocritical.  I don’t have anyone to try joy for but myself as everyone I know has someone.  It’s one of those situations of really feeling alone in a crowd.  No matter what, I’ll be going home alone on what would used to be the coziest night of the year.  Cold is still plaguing me.  It’s dropped my oxygen levels so that feels very scary. Ifvthis keeps up, I’ll be back in the ER again in just over a week for this.  I’m glad you got some peace from the experience.   

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That's the reason I quit trying different churches, I guess. I just wanted to fit in somewhere, but in my heart I didn't anywhere.  Somehow it is easier to feel anonymous on Christmas Eve. People are welcoming for a brief time. It was nice, but brings a bit of sadness, too.

Sure hope you stay out of the ER!!

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6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 But I would feel hypocritical.

It is not hypocritical to want to feel peace.  Peace from the organ playing, the quiet Christmas music, the stained glass.  The picture of Jesus with arms wide, doves, and the old rugged cross.  Whether you identify with the Christian life or just feel the need for a quietness in your mind for just a moment, a house of worship, just sitting in it without thoughts can provide some quietness to the mind, if only for a moment.  People will leave you with your own thoughts.  I am thinking this in the big city.  The small town churches doors are usually locked from people that would harm the sanctity  of the church.  Doors used to always be open.  I felt peace walking into a Catholic church and just sitting, mind quiet for a moment. 

symbolism.jpg

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I agree with Marg, it's not hypocritical at all to try and find some peace and beauty in church or nature.  Our souls are fed different ways...some through liturgy, some through nature, can't remember the others, I read a book that was good on it, Pathways to the Soul, but it's been 20 years since I read it and like Dee, I have to take notes or forget things!  ;)

Let us know when you get the blood tests back on Ally!  I took Glucosamine after an injury in an accident, but it didn't help me, but many report it being of help to them so it doesn't hurt to try, anything that helps!  I take gin and raisins and that helped tremendously less than 1 tsp/day, my friend jokes if it doesn't help, to throw away the raisins and drink the gin!  Not my drink of choice, ugh!  But after steeping them for a couple of weeks (a couple of months is more tolerable) it's not bad.  It wouldn't be good for the dog though!

Incidentally, Anne posted in the tools section, this video on getting through the holidays when grieving, wasn't sure everyone saw it:
https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/12/11/dealing-with-grief-during-the-holidays/

 

 

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Takes good closamine weeks to seee if it works.  Tried. The gin and raisin thing years ago, don’t recall it helping so Steve drank the gin.  Got a call on Ally’s bloodwork,  but the vet left for the day.  I’m thinking of heading to the ER this afternoon as this cold has really compromised my breathing.  I’m so tired of all this non stop hassle and becoming a regular there.  Made it a week since last time.  And there’s always the delightful panic to top it off.  Most importantly, it’s the being alone thru it.  They always ask now if you have plans to harm yourself or others.  Tricky as once I said I really was that thrilled with living and they were going to take my stuff and get a social worker.  Now I say no because I mean I’m tired of missing my mate and finding no meaning in anything.  

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I took it for a year, nothing.  I took the gin and raisins two weeks and could make a fist!  My forefinger had not been able to bend for a year!  The doctor said, "Whatever works."

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To all of you who are overwhelmed with life tasks and doing it all alone, I feel for you.  My secret right now is I'm pretending that everything is ok. 

I seem to be the go-to person these days.  Once again my friend and hubby are in Arizona and I'm house and animal sitting.  I've been at it since the 18th of November.  They are planing to be home mid February.  All the worst dates for me.

Good wishes for everyone.

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Well, I have bronchitis.  What impeccable timing.  As if the holidays weren’t enough, plus the existing physical battles.  My CT showed a fractured vertebrae in my mid back also.  Explains the extra pain I did not need.  Pouring rain too.  As always, somhard to be alone.  Dragged thru the day and hoping I can do it again tomorrow as I have a vet appointment for my other dog.  Of course everything runs out like dog food and everything that can fall does.  It’s a test of will I hope I pass.  Can’t even think about the holidays.  Each day seems to bring another crisis.  Things that were once manageable as a team.  

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Well, I have bronchitis.  What impeccable timing.  As if the holidays weren’t enough, plus the existing physical battles.  My CT showed a fractured vertebrae in my mid back also.  Explains the extra pain I did not need.  Pouring rain too.  As always, somhard to be alone.  Dragged thru the day and hoping I can do it again tomorrow as I have a vet appointment for my other dog.  Of course everything runs out like dog food and everything that can fall does.  It’s a test of will I hope I pass.  Can’t even think about the holidays.  Each day seems to bring another crisis.  Things that were once manageable as a team.  

Gwen:  Noooooo - so sorry to hear you have bronchitis plus a fractured vertebrae.  No wonder you are in pain.  Was this the reason you were considering surgery not too long ago?    

Have you have been watching the weather, it's not looking too good for the next few days here in the Northwest.  More rain and more wind predicted this coming week. 

About an hour prior to the windstorm Friday, my neighbor's landscape man blew off their leaves, fir needles and cones in the front of their house and being kind neighbors my driveway was attended to by the workers.  Not much more than an hour later the windstorm hit and filled up the entire cul de sac again with needles, branches and cones.  Oh the joy of living in fir tree country.  I spent yesterday redoing what I could while hoping for a longer extension cord so not to have the drain at my driveway clog up when the predicted rains came today.  Could barely walk I was so sore and stiff today.   How many times I used to see my husband blowing off the drive and street with such ease.  

Thinking of you and hoping for some relief for you.  Dee

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Gwen, I'm assuming you're home now then, that's good, now if you can just get done what you have to and then stay in and rest!  I'm sorry you have Bronchitis, I got that four years ago along with ulcers, bad liver and needing my gallbladder out, I think I was in shock, I was expecting one thing, not four to deal with!  Life seems to happen like that, you have enough with trying to quit smoking and your other medical issues.  Give those doggies some love from all of us!  And get well!!

Dee, been going through the wind storms too, I not only pick up all the branches on my place but the ones on the street so no one gets one stuck on the under side of the car, doing damage to it.  None of the neighbors seems to be inclined to help me so I consider it my mission to clear the road of debris as the county rarely shows their faces.  We've had a LOT of wind storms lately!  My burn pile is as big in one week as it was from the whole year previous!  And that was more than usual.  Someone clear-cut the property at the end of the street so it all whips up through the canyon, roaring down our street, creating havoc in it's path.  Now the same people have their house up for sale and will leave us with what they've done for US to contend with from here on out! :angry:  None of the neighbors are very happy with them.  People clear-cut, sell the wood, and then leave, aggravating us all, often breaking laws while they do it and law enforcement seems to turn their head at it.  You can tell it's a pet peeve of mine, I love the trees!  I should take a picture of what one neighbor did, fortunately he is 1 1/2 blocks away, it is indescribably horrid, I've never seen anyone desecrate a place quite like he did.  Only a picture would suffice.  He took down acreage and piled all the logs and debris up all around his place, ugly stumps left in it's place, totally destroyed the whole property and all the neighbors view.  I guess he is a vet with PTSD and is more comfortable with wide open spaces.  So why did he buy a forest and destroy it?!

 

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Would love to see a picture of the canyons and trees.  I try to picture things like you describe them.  Sounds like a beautiful part of the country.  I think Cookie lives in one on the opposite side of the USA.  I live in the bayous and swamps, but this is pine hill country too in the northern parts.  So different that New Orleans seems in another state.  Picture below is Bodcau in the country my mom's homeplace was located a few miles away.  Could not fish it when I was a child, run-off of chemicals from the paper mill, but environmentalists and new laws cleaned it up.  Not my picture.  

bodcau.jpg

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My great, hunky YOUNG neighbor came and moved some downed branches from my deck and swept it off.  Way more than call of duty.  Gonna get him and his girlfriend a nice bottle of wine.  Looks great again but expecting 2 more wind storms this week, so it won’t last.  This stuff makes me feel,so old.  Used to do it myself.

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