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Gwenivere

Grief removes all guard rails

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I will never ever forget his voice.  It’s so etched in my memory I can pull it up anytime.  I sometimes hear him say things he always did when I don’t even try.  I have heard him in my dreams too.  They say music is a huge trigger for memories, so I am guessing voice is the same as it is sound.  Now if I could only have touch back.

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I remember George's voice too, I can hear it in my mind.  I loved it.

I haven't had that happen to me yet, with anyone I've lost, but I'm sure even if a person can't recall someone's voice at the moment, it's temporary.

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On 1/24/2019 at 6:22 PM, scba said:

There is a beautiful story from V. Franklin in which he describes the moment in which he had a conversation with his wife (both separated in different concentration camps). Not knowing if she was alive or dead. It is about love that transcends time and place. I believe is about our love stories too.

Peace

Ana

Ana:  Thank you for sharing the lovely story by V. Franklin.  I have bookmarked to reread during those heart wrenching moments that seem to surface when I am not totally in charge of my grief.

In the past, I have occasionally had dreams of my husband that I recall, but not lately.  I am hoping as the weather improves and I'm outside more,  my sleep time will not require  a mild sleep aide and my brain will not be asleep.     

Daily, there are constant conversations with Bob.   I stare at his picture and beg him to tell me what I should do to carry on with my life.  For over 50+ years we always discussed what we would do next together.  And now, at my old age I have to try to figure it out on my own.   There is no other choice.  Like Darrel says, “One foot in front of the Other”.  Dee

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I carry on life, I live and hope if I die in my sleep my granddaughter will not be the one to find me.  I start at the recreation center here in town, a new complex, huge baseball fields, very big building.  I have gained my 30 pounds on the necessary low residue diet and my short legs do not want to stand after sitting down.  I can only use a sitting down bike, the seat with the back to it.  My family seems well.  Son still in deep depression, granddaughter finally agreeing to antidepressants.  Not at my urging.  Learned a long time ago, some choices have to be hers and hear in her voice that her mom and even me have given too much advice.  Was reminded she is adopted and does not have the bipolar gene passed down by my family.  And she does not.  Still, getting her out in public is something that has been hard to do when you cannot push.  Her counselor says no pushing.  My sister is still in a quandary.  Years of degrees do not make a life for you if you do not apply it to living longer than your education.   Daughter is advancing beautifully, without a partner, (other than my retirement).  

My friend's husband passed right after Christmas.  I have many invitations to be with friends.  I find myself busier than I was when my kids were in school.  I find myself with one thought, getting a memory marker for the cemetery to put on our plots.  Other family members say "what about us" and I have finally figured out my only purpose (other than making sure my sister has a ride to go where she has to go and my granddaughter also), my only real purpose left is to "go quietly into that good night" and I sure hope I can go quietly because modern medicine has nothing to offer me.  My attitude at the one time is cynical and at the other time is fatalistic.  I understand both.  I hate winter.  I long for the time Marty's dad described about southern women, we do not perspire, we glisten.  

I read the forum still, but find I have nothing more to add.  It is what it is.  My heart is still with you though my problems are the ones I live with.  I still have empathy, and know its meaning.

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Marg!  I wondered what happened to you.  You sound quite busy and not want to be.  Miss your word salads.  🦋

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I cannot recall Stephen's voice.  Other than a short video I have as well (instructions how to start the generator), I have zero recall.  And it sometimes haunts the heck out of me....

I can recall his laugh though.  And in hindsight, that should be more comforting to me.  The joyful laugh.  

Like most of us, we want to hear from them vocally.  Blessed be those that do.  I do hold out great hope that I will when the time is right for it to happen.

~Shirley

 

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Girls, sometimes it all feels unreal, almost like he never was here at all, that I made it all up in my mind.  Right now I just want to get family straight.  I cannot say I am well, cannot say I am sick.  Still drive and still carry too much weight......body and mind.  I love you all though.  Sometimes I just think I learned my lesson and quit playing God, as I really have no control of anything.  

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16 hours ago, Marg M said:

sometimes it all feels unreal, almost like he never was here at all, that I made it all up in my mind.

I've often had that feeling, it seems surreal, I see the physical evidence of his having been here, I guess it just seems so long ago...

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I’ve noticed a pattern.  While I know it wasn’t a dream, life now often feels that way without Steve.  But I stumble thru the days and nights. If I talk about him to someone, an anecdote, what we used to do, have to do something that has his name on it, I fall into acute grief all over again.  Flooded with pain and memories and all the change it’s caused.  I was chatting with someone yesterday and he came up and it was like a switch was flipped.  I held my composure til we parted, but the rest of my day was lost in loneliness and yearning.  It always is, but not swallowed totally by it.  Drat.  I just did it to myself by writing this.  

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Marg, you motivated me with the talk of your stationary bike....just did a twenty minute spin(back side sore but muscles feel good).....Still have to work off all the Christmas snacking weight I gained.  Intermingling with neighbours, involved in playing cards and some Dice game, its fun meeting new people........Neighbours got me to go to Dance lessons next Tuesday...Western Line Dancing...Don't regret the move at all.....except the cold blasts from the North(sure feel alive).......Got a three year olds Birthday on Sat.....hopefully won't be too hard on me...those kids have so much energy........best wishes again

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Kevin, you did not need me to motivate you, you are always all of our, the whole group's motivator.  You keep moving on and you do it in a positive way.  Way to go boy!!!!

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On 1/27/2019 at 9:37 AM, kayc said:

it seems surreal

I just watched Scott go back into the apartment building as I was leaving and it was like seeing Billy as I had seen him a million times.  I did not cry.  Again, it was a mirage.  

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1 hour ago, kevin said:

Marg, you motivated me with the talk of your stationary bike....just did a twenty minute spin(back side sore but muscles feel good).....Still have to work off all the Christmas snacking weight I gained.  Intermingling with neighbours, involved in playing cards and some Dice game, its fun meeting new people........Neighbours got me to go to Dance lessons next Tuesday...Western Line Dancing...Don't regret the move at all.....

Kevin and Marg:  Good to read there are people like you two "motivators".  I just finished about a 30 minute walk with my dog and I think it gets harder, not easier,  huffing and puffing up the slight hill towards my front door.  The sun was out and beautiful so was a good outing, although it was on the chilly side. 

And Kevin it is so nice you are so happy in your new life.   Dee

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I envy you and Kevin !  I so miss the days my back didn’t curtail the many things I want to do.  I really miss the dog park with my furry kids and the treadmill for nasty days.  Nothing feels as good as endorphins.  I miss them.  

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On ‎01‎/‎27‎/‎2019 at 4:29 PM, Gwenivere said:

I’ve noticed a pattern.  While I know it wasn’t a dream, life now often feels that way without Steve.  But I stumble thru the days and nights. If I talk about him to someone, an anecdote, what we used to do, have to do something that has his name on it, I fall into acute grief all over again.  Flooded with pain and memories and all the change it’s caused.  I was chatting with someone yesterday and he came up and it was like a switch was flipped.  I held my composure til we parted, but the rest of my day was lost in loneliness and yearning.  It always is, but not swallowed totally by it.  Drat.  I just did it to myself by writing this.  

You know, Gwen, I have a lot of the same feelings.  After 3 1/2 years, I still feel acute grief, sadness, loneliness a lot.  I was reflecting on it, as I'm always trying to figure out how to get out of this.  One thing that came to me was that John was the one person in my life who I knew really loved me and cared.  I came from a dysfunctional family and so don't have siblings who are that for me.  My children are off on their own.  I think that is what keeps bringing me around to this awful feeling so much.  I believe it's easier to move forward (don't mean get over the grief, but find happiness still), when there is some one person that you know in your heart really cares about you.  I think that is my problem and don't have a clue what to do about it.  Anyway, a penny for your thoughts on this.  Take care, Cookie

 

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Cookie, the closest I can get is like that song....you’re nobody til somebody loves you.  Now I am not the most important person in the world to anyone.  No one is to me.  Another song - One is the Lonliest Number.  There is not one person on this planet that cares deeply about what I do or think and my presence is ess essential in thier life.  Same for me.  I don’t even get respites as we had no children, even tho that is no guarantee.  My.parents, one time friends, one of our last 2 dogs and he are gone.  I’ve never been alone in my 63 years.  I have self esteem as a human being, but without love it’s not enough.  

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Gwen and Cookie,  I feel the same.  A friend told me today that I have to find something that I really care about.  There is nothing.  Certainly nothing anywhere near what Al meant to me.  We did everything together.  Now there is no one.  The weather has been terrible so I have been in the house for over a week and will still be for a few more days.  Just me with me.  Not very good company.  

 

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8 hours ago, Cookie said:

  One thing that came to me was that John was the one person in my life who I knew really loved me and cared.

Exactly. With no doubt whatsoever,  I knew I was Susan's #1 priority and she knew she was my #1 priority. I actually took that for granted, but now I realize it gave us a wonderful, warm, secure feeling. Compared to that I now feel exposed.

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40 minutes ago, Gin said:

Gwen and Cookie,  I feel the same.  A friend told me today that I have to find something that I really care about.  There is nothing.  Certainly nothing anywhere near what Al meant to me.  We did everything together.  Now there is no one.  The weather has been terrible so I have been in the house for over a week and will still be for a few more days.  Just me with me.  Not very good company.  

 

I am thinking of you Gin...you are in my heart.  I would come by to visit if I could.  Take care.  I know how lonely and hard this is....Cookie

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I think Gwen said it all when she said she's not #1 to someone else anymore, nor is anyone to her...that is one of the biggest things we struggle with, that and isolation.  When I was down sick for two weeks I felt very isolated, some days not able to even talk on the phone as I lost my voice, there were a couple of days I wasn't up to being on the internet at all.  When George was here, he'd have been taking care of me.  If this is a glimpse into our future, it's not looking real rosy!  We can only do our best every day and hope...

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On 1/31/2019 at 8:33 AM, kayc said:

I think Gwen said it all when she said she's not #1 to someone else anymore, nor is anyone to her...that is one of the biggest things we struggle with, that and isolation.  When I was down sick for two weeks I felt very isolated, some days not able to even talk on the phone as I lost my voice, there were a couple of days I wasn't up to being on the internet at all.  When George was here, he'd have been taking care of me.  If this is a glimpse into our future, it's not looking real rosy!  We can only do our best every day and hope...

Yes, I try to take it one day at a time still, but still struggle with isolation and feeling so alone.  Hate to think of a future with just this in it.  There is no guidebook for how to go forward so many years, so you end of wishing those years to be short, something I would have never wished for when John was here...I wished to live forever then.....Cookie

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It looks like I'm to have 3-4 ft of snow through Tuesday but snow prediction continue for the foreseeable future.  Trying to shovel it by myself is overwhelming and exhausting.  When it gets down to the teens at night it freezes up and whatever you haven't shoveled won't budge.

I'm 66.  I don't know how I'm going to do this in another ten years.

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14 hours ago, kayc said:

It looks like I'm to have 3-4 ft of snow through Tuesday but snow prediction continue for the foreseeable future.  Trying to shovel it by myself is overwhelming and exhausting.  When it gets down to the teens at night it freezes up and whatever you haven't shoveled won't budge.

I'm 66.  I don't know how I'm going to do this in another ten years.

kayc:  I had 4 inches last night here in Tacoma and it is 20 degrees now.  But, luckily I don't have to shovel anything.  I couldn't if I had to.  I am housebound and won't even attempt to go anywhere.  Am dreading the next few days with the weather predictions.  You ask yourself, "How you are going to do this in another ten years ?" I don't want to do this for another year. Of course I'm ten years your senior. 

Be careful and don't hurt yourself.  Dee

Edited by widow'15
incorrect snow accumulation
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