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Gwenivere

Grief removes all guard rails

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I am so glad Ally is home with you and doing well.  Arlie gets Diarrhea if there's any change in diet so maybe Ally will be better when she's back on her rice/ckn/veg diet?  I hope so!  I keep a close eye on Arlie's output as it tells me so much about his health...having a special needs dog can be a challenge!

I couldn't agree more on the snow!  Years ago I lost a FB "friend" when I said I hoped it'd quit snowing.  Someone lambasted me in messaging, over and over, and I explained that while she had a husband and two strapping sons living at home to do her shoveling, some of us didn't have that luxury.  I explained that snow caused me to spend Christmas alone as my daughter couldn't make it up the mountain in her car.  I further explained that people fall in snow, it's dangerous, people have car accidents and it cancels plans.  Nope, she said I was a killjoy, etc.  I blocked her, I didn't figure I needed all the grief from her.  She apologized years later.  She's in a wheelchair and can't shovel and I couldn't understand why it never occurred to her, what would she do if she was alone?  Many people are. 

I hope you find some back up people for Ally!  I also hope you can volunteer today but only if you can safely get out.  If you feel you need to stay home with Ally today, I hope you can do so without feeling bad about missing your volunteer work, I know you enjoy doing it.

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I just can’t believe how I can’t get thru a few days without some kind of chaos.  Can’t remember where I posted about Ally being at the dog hospital, Saturday I was at Urgent Care for lightheadedness which they said was my ears.  Sunday was the ER for the same thing except they said it is hypotension.  Need more water and salt.  So I missed volunteering on Saturday.  I was planning on buying some root touch up kit and maybe feel stable enough to do that in hopes of feeling a bit better about myself.  The quitting smoking ha become a challenge now that I really in withdrawl.  I won’t be taking Ally for many drives now as she has slipped on the step on the car so apprehensive of doing it and if I help her, I hurt me.  Walking is tougher with the stenosis, but I know all this other stuff sure isn’t helping.  I’ll see what Tuesday brings.  A shower is on the list so I’m hoping I feel stable enough.  I’ve been taking my medic alert button and would prefer to 6’2 blue eyed one I used to have around for any problems.  Never had all this stuff going on back then so I am really missing him.  Totally spaced it was Presidents’ Day.  So spacy I went to the post office.  We would have had a good laugh about that as I had a working brain normally.  That word that has disappeared since he has.

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I forgot too, Gwen, headed to the bank to pick up the church's bank bag, ha!  It was good to get out, met a friend for lunch, had to make sure there was no checks to write for the church so that was my main reason for going into town.

Tonight and tomorrow another big cold front and lots of snow coming.  Wishing it wouldn't amount to much but I know better.  The snow comes off the roof of the carport and lands in front of my vehicles so the last two nights I've been out there in my robe and slippers shoveling it away.  The neighbors are used to me.  ;)

I'm sorry poor Ally is getting older.  Gosh if Arlie couldn't get into the car on his own accord, I don't know what I'd do, he's 110 lbs, so my lifting him is out.

I hope you have an uneventful week, Gwen, no more trips to the ER!

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Kay, I have a step thing on the back of my SUV.  We trained all our dogs to use it from pups for when they got older.  Ally has slipped a couple of times so I’ve had to help a bit.  I keep getting her to do it on tho and she does. 

Another weekend begins that blends into all the other lonely days. The only difference is my new social life of doctors, vets and limited volunteering I don’t have to do.  But then that means more time to think and feel the pain.  It’s like an evil Energizer Bunny, it just keeps going and going and going.  I was telling my counselor I never tell people that casually inquire how long he has been gone because I’m supposed to be so much more adjusted.  It’s been 4 years, so I tried saying 2.  Same reaction.  Now I just say.....too long.   Much much too long.  

I had to edit this.  I don’t why in the world I put 'bright spot' instead of difference in my new social life without the biggest sarcastic reference with it.  

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I have a sedan, and if anything ever happens and Arlie can't walk himself up into the back seat, I'm in trouble.  I'd have to enlist someone else's help and probably use of their SUV as well.

I'm wondering how your weather is this weekend?  I'm supposed to go to a wedding this afternoon and have been trying to figure out the forecast...I've gotten incongruous information, and have been going over it with the webmaster at NOAA...now the site is down at my elevation.  They've predicted anywhere from 1" to 3 ft, so it's been hard to figure out.  I think I'll be okay to go, not sure about getting back home though!  Will probably stay home tomorrow though because they don't plow our roads when school is out.

I like how Marty put it once, "throw the shoulds out".  People just don't get it, this is far entrenching, deeply affecting!

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Another Saturday night.  They’re all bad but I can’t ever get past it was our date night.  I spent the day fighting tech battles he would have, getting myself in a tizzy and high anxiety.  DLSavings mess things up too.  I experience good, odd and bad things and had no one to tell about them as normal conversation.  I tell someone here and there things I can remember.  Our life social together but I miss this one night that we went out together.  Can’t even fathom sitting in a restaurant now.  I’ve seen people sitting alone with thier smartphones.  I don’t even have anyone to contact. So I stay home and play games trying not to think about how much has been lost to me.  The only plus of today is one less hour to spend awake as I set the clocks ahead already.  Then to sleep that passes too quickly to another day which is just a repeat.  I’ve read the advanced Sunday paper for sales and passed on many.  I see the nice clothes I don’t wear anymore for nights out.  Loneliness is a cruel and inhumane condition.  I dragged thru volunteering to com home to such an empty existence.  Something I can count on that has so changed.  

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Up at 1 am (or should I say 2 am as it's Daylight Savings Time now)...can't sleep.  I hate these nights.  I used to sleep well in George's arms.

I think it was Cookie that said it seemed to be worse instead of better, I understand, it seems the longer you go, the more you miss them.  It's just been so long...

I don't have a problem going to a restaurant alone, I did at first, of course, it's not the same, but nothing is so I don't expect it to be.

I too play computer games, Gwen.

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I always remember the book my grandma wrote for her grandkids, and the book was meant to take up her time that was spent alone, away from her children who were too busy  to be bothered with her.  She ran her tiny country store, saw a few people each day, but she could not just turn on the "forget" button.  People would come in and tell her that surely after this length of time she would be "over him."  She carried on conversation with people every day, but in her spare time she wrote:

"Even after 18-years, it seems like it was yesterday."

Thank you Grandma for leaving written proof that grief never leaves.

But, if we have to live, we just "have to live."  

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Just got back from a funeral , had to drive about 600 miles. .Buddy was 62 years old and developed kidney cancer....Entire system shut down in three days(heart, liver,lungs)....Hard working Farmer construction type and I'd say clean living(except for the Beers)...You never know what this life has in store for you, giving thanks for every sunrise.........

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12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Another Saturday night.  They’re all bad but I can’t ever get past it was our date night.  I spent the day fighting tech battles he would have, getting myself in a tizzy and high anxiety.  DLSavings mess things up too.  I experience good, odd and bad things and had no one to tell about them as normal conversation.  I tell someone here and there things I can remember.  Our life social together but I miss this one night that we went out together.  Can’t even fathom sitting in a restaurant now.  I’ve seen people sitting alone with thier smartphones.  I don’t even have anyone to contact. So I stay home and play games trying not to think about how much has been lost to me.  The only plus of today is one less hour to spend awake as I set the clocks ahead already.  Then to sleep that passes too quickly to another day which is just a repeat.  I’ve read the advanced Sunday paper for sales and passed on many.  I see the nice clothes I don’t wear anymore for nights out.  Loneliness is a cruel and inhumane condition.  I dragged thru volunteering to com home to such an empty existence.  Something I can count on that has so changed.  

I understand. Woke up to DST and snow and a strong feeling that this life is totally pointless without Susan.

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Dear ones, I can assure you that your presence here ~ and the comfort, understanding and support you consistently offer one another ~ is far from being pointless. If that is all you have to offer right now, please do not underestimate your importance and your value, and let it be enough . . . ❤️

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35 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Dear ones, I can assure you that your presence here ~ and the comfort, understanding and support you consistently offer one another ~ is far from being pointless. If that is all you have to offer right now, please do not underestimate your importance and your value, and let it be enough . . . ❤️

Yes, I agree.  My FEELINGS sometimes puts me places I don't want to go.  I FELT like I gain weight because I ate some higher carbs(Pinto beans which I dearly enjoyed). The scale said down two lbs. I have lots more examples where "FEELINGS are not ALWAYS FACTS but when I study them they will reveal truth.  Don't allow those feelings to dwell and clutter your mind. 

One of the reasons, I check in here daily is to hopefully listen, learn, and provide encouragement to other as it was given to me in the early INTENSE grief. Other people listened to my rambling anguish, grief, and pain.  It helped me to get through, to learn, that I am not alone in this grief, and with the tools, books, articles, posts, etc... I would find ways to deal with this grief and heal as well.   I was never normal before so how could I expect it now. 

As Darrell, says," It simply putting one foot in front of the other.  Never give up, give in or just quit life. It is a precious gift as each of us knows since we were able to share quality life with our beloved.  Hold on, Hang on, pull up, get up.  And if you are not able reach out to get the help you need to proceed in this journey. {{{ HUGS }}}  - Shalom

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2 hours ago, kevin said:

You never know what this life has in store for you

Kevin, my childhood/lifelong friend has buried two husbands, and by all accounts both were very much loved.  She is a couple of years older than the last one, recently deceased.  I think about her mother and she married three times, buried two of them, and I believe had developed Alzheimer's during the third marriage.  I do not deny happiness to any of my friends and if she finds someone else, I wish her well.  I do hope she will be as blessed as the first two.  My sister-in-law buried three, and was heard to tell the third that she loved him even more than her four children's father.  (Her daughter heard her and was happy for her mother, not jealous at all, she had been just a tiny tot when her father passed in his 40's) of a heart attack.  A poor analogy for me is this, you finally clean out your freezer and you find something frozen way too long ago, and you put it aside.  I have been in the freezer way too long, but my sincere best wishes go out to anyone that finds companionship again, if it is wanted, if it is needed. 

I am so sorry you lost your friend.  Billy went very fast, but I would not have wanted him to suffer like our father's did, both of them.  

I hope, otherwise, you are enjoying your new home.

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3 hours ago, Marg M said:

"Even after 18-years, it seems like it was yesterday."

Thank you Grandma for leaving written proof that grief never leaves.

But, if we have to live, we just "have to live."  

Marg M:  Thank you for sharing that this morning, or should I say afternoon - DST has me confused.  Grief never leaves, but if we have to live, we just "have to live".  Will copy that into my journal to remind me what I must do.  Hugs.  Dee

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Oh Dee, I wanted to leave so bad, I wanted to follow Billy as soon as I could.  I remember seeing women from other countries throwing themselves on the funeral pyre with their deceased husband and my shocked brain figured out a way I could join him without my family finding me.  I made the mistake of mentioning that thought and I was already hurting so terribly that my family's rage hurt me even more.  (But I fully understood their rage).  I could not do it because of not understanding some things, and we all know our minds during this time do not work, just like the batteries that run our body had been removed.  I was in a sickly condition anyhow, had almost died the year before, and at that time had wished I had.

Since that time I support my granddaughter and mostly my sister also with a lot of help for the two middle aged children.  There was a reason for me to live, and I do not want to leave until I can see my granddaughter walking her way in life with no pushing.  She is in counseling and my sister is in AA.  

I know we have to  think of ourselves too, but sometimes the happiness of others helps us along also.  Maybe there was a purpose for us "staying."

 

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4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Oh Dee, I wanted to leave so bad, I wanted to follow Billy as soon as I could. 

(But I fully understood their rage).  I could not do it because of not understanding some things, and we all know our minds during this time do not work, just like the batteries that run our body had been removed.  I was in a sickly condition anyhow, had almost died the year before, and at that time had wished I had.

Since that time I support my granddaughter and mostly my sister also with a lot of help for the two middle aged children.  There was a reason for me to live, and I do not want to leave until I can see my granddaughter walking her way in life with no pushing.  She is in counseling and my sister is in AA.  

Maybe there was a purpose for us "staying."

 

Marg M:  You do have a lot to keep you busy.  I marvel at you and your ability to get in your car and just go taking care of your family.  You are their blessing.

Daily, I wonder what is my purpose other than my 2 kids, 2 grand kids and my fur baby just as you are here for your family.  My husband's passing away has left a great big empty cavern in our lives.  He was the one that kept this family strong and lead us without our realizing it.  Now that he is gone, we do flounder.  If I even mention to my son, "after I'm gone you will need to know this or that", he won't even let me continue.  He doesn't even want to discuss it.  I did make changes to my health directive so my daughter would be the one that says it was time for me to pass without my being hooked up to a breathing machine should the time ever come.  I do worry about how he would continue on with things.   Dee

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1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

Daily, I wonder what is my purpose other than my 2 kids, 2 grand kids and my fur baby

You just stated your purpose.  And it is a big purpose.  I am going to say this wrong, and could look it up, but Eleanor Roosevelt said something like "women are like tea bags, you don't know how strong they are until they get in hot water."  (I'm not looking up direct quote so I may have quoted terribly.)  We are strong because we do not have any other choice, none of us.

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I’m so glad you do have your kids, Dee.  I'm not saying anyone’s journey is harder than another’s, but it’s tough having no one to connect with and especially the grief.  I set up a wellness check in case something happens and I can’t push my medic button or dial the phone.  

I’m guessing your son does nit want to think about losing you which means he’s carrying a very heavy burden about his dad.  I’m glad your daughter was open to make sure your wishes are carried out.  

Floundering is a great word.  I envision a fish flopping around on a boat deck now knowing what the heck is happening having been jerked from its world into something it never knew and panicking.   Didn’t we all do that essentially?  Maybe not in the initial shock but it catches up.  I so rarely cry and it’s not because I don’t feel it.  Today I did before I went grocery shopping because I’m so tired of it now for just me.  I m so acutely aware of the conversations of others and especially kids talking to one parent about the other who isn’t there.  Mommy would say, when will he be home, that’s not what she would buy, etc. Families.  They buy fresh food because they cook dinners.  My cart is all microwave and maybe some sandwich meat.  Carrots for the dogs.  Pass up new trendy things to delight Steve.  I just threw out raw chicken and pork chops hiding in the freezer for years waiting for BBQ nights from freezer burn.  Reminders again.  

Marg, I like your Roosevelt quote.  I’m just so tired of having to be strong all the time.  

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2 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Floundering is a great word.

Perfect word for how I'm feeling tonight, unable to sleep, flopping from side to side in bed like that damned fish, gasping for air, hoping some kind-hearted human will come along and toss me back into water.  It kind of hit me all over again, today, not remotely with the force it did almost 2 years ago at 2am the night he died... but still like a stone sitting in my gut. How can it be that he's gone?  I manage to go through the endless days, one week after the next, intellectually knowing he's gone, but always feeling as if my heart had fallen far behind, never quite able to catch up, until I stop long enough to let it, and then the pain re-starts.  This is one of those times. 

I can see why people turn to other things just to cope, but I know the price they pay for keeping that heart at a distance, and I don't want to pay that price.

 

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

You just stated your purpose.  And it is a big purpose.  I am going to say this wrong, and could look it up, but Eleanor Roosevelt said something like "women are like tea bags, you don't know how strong they are until they get in hot water."  (I'm not looking up direct quote so I may have quoted terribly.)  We are strong because we do not have any other choice, none of us.

Marg:  Yes, I love my little family and they are my purpose - A little goofy at times and with their own problems, but they do the best they can. 

My daughter always says, " Mom, you are strong."  But she doesn't see me when I lying in bed alone crying, bawling and pleading to find the strength to get through the next day.   And my response is just what you said, Marg, "I don't have any choice".  Right, none of us have a choice but keep on going in some direction.  I loved the Eleanor Roosevelt quote.  I never heard it before.  Dee

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m so glad you do have your kids, Dee.  I'm not saying anyone’s journey is harder than another’s, but it’s tough having no one to connect with and especially the grief.  I set up a wellness check in case something happens and I can’t push my medic button or dial the phone.  

I’m guessing your son does nit want to think about losing you which means he’s carrying a very heavy burden about his dad.  I’m glad your daughter was open to make sure your wishes are carried out.  

 

Gwen:  I am grateful for my kids and can't imagine how I would go on without them.  I seldom get together with them, so am alone a lot.  My daughter lives 6 hours south of me and my son has a crazy life with two families he has to deal with - His divorce means he only has his son 50% of the time.  I am more of a nuisance to him I'm sure.  Yes, he is carrying a heavy burden with the loss of his Dad.  He regrets his life kept him from spending more time with his Dad plus the indelible picture of his Dad dying of a heart attack  in front of him in the hospital.  Too much for a son to have as his last time with his Dad.

Life would be unbearable if I didn't have them and I am so sorry you feel the disconnection.  Grief is enough not to have a shoulder to lean on and get a hug every once in awhile.  Dee

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Dee, I retired from two hospitals, then I went to work for myself.  I kept Eleanor Roosevelt quotes pasted to places I could read them when I was afraid.  And, that was a lot of times during my working life, but I did not know what fear was until Billy left.  My son is angry at me this morning, and last night.  I still enable my family, but there are some areas, his children live on opposite coasts and I cannot help them.  

“A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt, 

The last one, and the others, helped me when Billy was with me, he was retired, I still was working because I loved my job and could do it from home.  Since he has gone, the one quote that describes me more than any other is from C.S. Lewis.  “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed       

 Today I cannot help my son or his daughter.  My heart hurts for them, but sometimes you find out you are just one person, sometimes you realize, you are only one insignificant person in this whole world of people that a lot are hurting and you cannot help them.  That makes you really realize, you are only one, and no matter how many are around you, you are alone.  And most times it is hard to feel like a whole person,.  A little woman I met at the laundromat had just had a bypass operation of five arteries.  She always has a smile.  Her husband passed away in 2016.  She is always happy looking and sounding.  She lives by herself and has no one to help her.  She seems happy to be alive.  I wish I had some of her strength.  I am proud of her. I do not feel that strong.

 
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Kevin, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.  We have some Buddys in our family too.  I've lost too many friends to count the last couple of years, guess it's a sign I'm again, I have a lot of older friends, think the count is about 20 now.  I hope it doesn't keep on like this, sometimes I feel envious but then I feel guilty for feeling that way, I know life is a gift.  This week a neighbor's house burned down, he was in it.  :(

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Dee, I retired from two hospitals, then I went to work for myself.  I kept Eleanor Roosevelt quotes pasted to places I could read them when I was afraid.  And, that was a lot of times during my working life, but I did not know what fear was until Billy left.  My son is angry at me this morning, and last night.  I still enable my family, but there are some areas, his children live on opposite coasts and I cannot help them.  

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

The last one, and the others, helped me when Billy was with me, he was retired, I still was working because I loved my job and could do it from home.  Since he has gone, the one quote that describes me more than any other is from C.S. Lewis.  “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed       

 Today I cannot help my son or his daughter.  My heart hurts for them, but sometimes you find out you are just one person, sometimes you realize, you are only one insignificant person in this whole world of people that a lot are hurting and you cannot help them.  That makes you really realize, you are only one, and no matter how many are around you, you are alone.  And most times it is hard to feel like a whole person,.  A little woman I met at the laundromat had just had a bypass operation of five arteries.  She always has a smile.  Her husband passed away in 2016.  She is always happy looking and sounding.  She lives by herself and has no one to help her.  She seems happy to be alive.  I wish I had some of her strength.  I am proud of her. 

I do not feel that strong.

Marg:  I have to disagree with you.  You are strong.  All of us who get out of bed every morning and get on with the day without our partners are demonstrating some strengths.  All those years you worked, went through your serious health issues and now having to deal with being without Billy does not show weakness.  Our kids will find their way somehow after we are gone cause we have done all we can for them while we are here.  I am not very religious but I try to be and I try to tell myself they are in God's hands now.

Each Eleanor Roosevelt quote does drive my brain in so many ways.  Thanks for sharing.  I will print and find a place on my refrigerator that is covered with grand kids' art work to remind me what I need to do each day.  I like the one “Do one thing every day that scares you.”   I have not read C. S. Lewis'  book but his quote does explain why I feel so afraid all of the time.  Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing.  Dee

 

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