Grief removes all guard rails

[Gwenivere]

Done deal.  Hope we hear from her.  

[kayc]

I'm super sick, I don't remember hurting this bad, not even when I had parasites.  Had to cancel my plans for the next week, including my daughter's birthday celebration.    So much for keeping busy today (George's anv. of death).

[MartyT]

[brat#2]

So sorry that you are sick Kay and to feel that way today of all days.  Hope you feel better soon and sending thoughts your way to get through today.  Hugs

 

[Margm]

Kay, I get annoyed when my family wants me to go to doc.  I know what is fixable on me and what isn't.  My sister will say they have made many discoveries in six years, but they have not discovered how to fix the unfixable.  (Not sure that is a word).  Anyhow, you certainly know when to go to doc and when not to, but it sounds serious enough something might be needed.  My granddaughter watches my diet like a hawk, and if I do eat something I am not supposed to have (and that includes just about everything eatable) I will suffer the consequences.  Do you have high fever?  Might you need a doctor?  I sneak up on that question, because it is one I will go when I have something they can fix.  Hate your sick.  

[kayc]

Fever's not too high, this came on super suddenly so I think it's a flu bug.  Can't drive myself 110  mile round trip to the doctor and don't have anyone to drive me, it hurts to move at all.  Did some reading, if it continues four days I'll have to go but I don't know how.

Headache too so don't think I'd have fever headache chills and stomach hurting like crazy if it was gastroenteritis.

[Gin]

Kay,

Healing thoughts are going your way. Hope you heal fast!    Gin

[CairnLady]

Kayc

So sorry you are ill. It sounds horrible.

Is there no one you can call to drive you to the doctor? (my apologies for sticking my nose in, but it sounds very concerning)

I hope you feel better soon. Wish there was a doctor close by.

[KarenK]

So sorry Gwen, that you fell and that you are sick, Kay. A drawback of the Internet is not being close enough to friends to help when it's needed.

Love you guys,

Karen

[Margm]

Mama used to think aspirin, Vicks Vaporub, Milk of Magnesia, and later on Benadryl cured everything, and I was well dosed with it all.  My daughter has had to have shots for about eight weeks and after each one she will have nausea and diarrhea.  All I can tell her is the Gatorade and I used to tell her saltine crackers, until she told me "Mama, I cannot find those kind of crackers" so now I tell her Nabisco crackers.  Then Mama would tell me after upset stomach, if I was hungry and felt like I wanted it to eat, I usually could keep it down.  Dr. Mom was not always wrong.  Now my granddaughter tells me she just feels "strange" and damn if I know what kind of pill to treat "strange."  If I did, I would have started taking it a half century ago.  Hope you don't run a high fever, I always felt good when I sweated them off.  Knew I was gonna feel better.  

[Gwenivere]

I’m a little late, but hope you get to feeling better soon.   Sure sounds like the flu.with sudden onset.  Not the best time of year for it but chicken soup?  🥣

thanks Karen.

[kayc]

Yep, soup.  I've hardly ate or drank in the last couple of days but the scale shows two more pounds.  It seems impossible but there it is.

Fever is gone.  Stomach pain is unbearable still.  It hurts to move.

[Margm]

Kay, are you better today?  I cannot take anything for pain but Tylenol, and we never know when it is gonna reach out and grab us.  We lived 40 miles away from a clinic or hospital, no matter which road we took or which direction we went (for four years).  You have a good car now, but if you are in pain, cannot imagine the difficulty getting to health care.  Please be okay.

[kayc]

I'm finally feeling better today, no stamina but feel like I'm going to live after all, thanks.  If worse came to worse I could surely find someone in my church to drive me to the doctor...in our town we're all used to the 100+ mile round trip.  And we give each other rides as needed.  It's just the last thing you feel like doing when you're horribly sick.

[CairnLady]

So glad to hear you are feeling better Kayc!

[Margm]

I truly believe "where there is will, there is a way."  

[Gwenivere]

Well, another holiday approaches.  Dogs will be freaking out from the illegal firecrackers, I’ll be annoyed at the noise and someone will always do a whopper of some at midnight.  What will be wrong is that Steve won’t be at the grill.  Usually hamburgers, but. I just read the grocery ads and one place had BOGO on rib eye steaks, our absolute favorite.  Someone was grilling last night and I forgot how good that smelled.  But it’s him I miss of course.  Sunday’s were always BBQ nights.  One time I forgot backing in and knocked over the grill.  From then on he always placed a huge bucket I would hit first if I forgot, which I never did.  Was watching all the people stocking up on corn on the cob, getting potato salad - truly not a healthy eating day.  Realized I have no idea of what to eat because I don’t care.  Probably something I can microwave.  I really miss those BBQ,'s and after dinner sitting with the dogs who figured out how to eat corn on the cob, just had to watch your fingers.  We’d laugh so much.  I miss the little things like that.  I miss it all.  These times awake the little kid in me that wants to have a tantrum demanding him back.  Hold my breath til I turn blue.  But there’s no one to bargain with.  These are the times when the memories hurt so much and all I can feel is the intense love now flowing in one direction.  The why us.  The desperation for my best friend who made us a family.  Made me whole.  

[Gwenivere]

Saw one of my thyroid docs today.  I feel so trapped now on treatment.  It’s long, boring and detailed so no sense in typing it out.  I’m just so darned frustrated dealing with it on top of my other issues.  This oxygen tubing is driving me frigging insane.  If I or the dogs don’t step on it, it gets snagged on something.  I literally scream when that happens now.  I don’t need it all the time, but it helps a bit psychologically with all the anxiety that I have to fight now because of the other issues.  When you leave my docs, they give you a summation of the visit, changes and dates of upcoming appointments.  I have one booked to see an ear guy for dizziness month end.  Now that I have a referral for an endocrinologist, I can try getting in sooner than November as a new patient.  This would be good if I had my motivation to do it.  But he was taken from me.  See the dentist next week because it’s been a year and don’t want any headaches there.  I used to not mind going.  Nitrous and really cool hygienist.  Now it’s more medical decor.  Lights, gloves, gowns, machines. White, white, white.  No ambiance or warmth.  A reflection of my life now.  I so miss you, Steve.  

[MartyT]

♥    ♥

[Gwenivere]

I just got a notice today my PCP is leaving the clinic after our visit next week.  She is the one I love compared to her colleague who is very removed.  She’s doing the thyroid (in conjunction with my doc) and  doesn’t like my anxiety meds that have worked well for decades.  I swear, the hits keep coming.  Took me forever to find the good one after my last doc quit.  I couldn’t even think up the mishaps that keep befalling me in the last year, but I sure am getting paranoid.  I don’t even know what motivation feels like anymore.  I’m always waiting for another shoe to drop now.  My PCP was my safety net and that’s being pulled away. Again.  

[Margm]

Tell her you like your anxiety pills just fine.  We cannot even get them in Louisiana except to make a visit each month and get a paper script.  I go back to my old PCP.  I trusted them for 20 years.  They are the ones who found my ruptured colon.  My daughter wrote up one of the PCP's because she insisted she take a medication she was allergic to.  Of course they fired my daughter.  She is a former nurse and is difficult to treat, but I'm difficult too.  I know what I need and I know what will kill me.  My daughter referred to me as Dr. (last name) and her doc said he had never heard of me.  She told him I had been a medical transcriptionist for 43 years and thought I knew a little something.  He said........"she does."  I know how I don't want to be treated and if they have a problem with it, I go back to my old PCP who knows me.

[Gwenivere]

All I can do is cross my fingers and toes one of the other docs in my clinic are not bezophobes.  I’m hoping my doc will have prepared good matches for all her patients knowing thier needs and not needing changes.  It’s the least she could do.  My former PCP quit out of the blue, not even the staff knew til that day and I was his last patient.  Sure was a cruel thing to do to all of us, staff included, that cared so much about him as he was so caring for decades.   

While I was trying to wrap my head around this upcoming change, I was cleaning my parakeets cage and dropped the dirty try with the seed and water cups in the living room.  Arg!

i did get my 25 year gift for volunteering.  A pin (have ones for 1, 5, 10 and 29).  Plus 2 generous gift cards for 2 stores I shop at a lot. So something to feel a little better.  Brought back a lot o memories of so many extraordinary people I got to share friendships with I would have never known.  People that taught me a lot and I mattered to.  I’m only sad I am getting old and so I’m more limited myself to be as involved.  There are some days I want to borrow a wheelchair to get around.  😎

[kayc]

I'm sorry your PCP is leaving...are they going to another practice that you could switch to or do you know?  My doctor that I had for 32 years or so left me looking for another and have been with her for the ten years since but it hasn't been perfect.  At least she stayed with the Rxs he'd prescribed and didn't make drastic changes (why break something that doesn't need fixed?!) so that was good.  She merged with a clinic a couple years ago and it turned out to be an improvement although it caused some apprehension at the time.  I wish you well with your health care, it's one of the most important things we can have.

And congrats on the recognition for your volunteering!  It is hard as we age to keep involved.  I fear my brain is not as it used to and sometimes worry I'm in over my head but somehow have muddled through my Treasurer position, still enjoy the Praise Team, I love doing the grief support group too although we're on a break right now, I'm hoping to restart it soon.  It's been a crazy year, one thing after another.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

i did get my 25 year gift for volunteering.  A pin (have ones for 1, 5, 10 and 29).  Plus 2 generous gift cards for 2 stores I shop at a lot. So something to feel a little better.  Brought back a lot o memories of so many extraordinary people I got to share friendships with I would have never known.  People that taught me a lot and I mattered to.  I’m only sad I am getting old and so I’m more limited myself to be as involved.  There are some days I want to borrow a wheelchair to get around

You are one of the "Angel's Unaware" that should have more honor given them.  But we don't do things for honor, that is what makes "Angels Unaware." This was the name of the book written by Dale Evans, wife of Roy Rogers.  I also have Billy Graham's book on Angels.  I know you do not go by my belief, but you are still an Angel, whether you believe it or not.

Graham said angels are a mystery to many people because they do not have physical bodies. However, he said, on occasion angels appear as ordinary humans or glorious celestial beings that reflect the majesty of God.

And, I know that is too thick for you to swallow, but Marty is an Angel, also Kay and George, and those many that contribute to help those that need help.  They are just unaware of being Angels.  Hettie, my neighbor, was my Angel.  

All this is stated as my opinion.  

  

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been having a terribly lonely time lately.  I so miss talking with Steve about so much that is going on or comes into my head.  I was changing clothes last night and having a philosophical discussion with myself.  I didn’t even realize it til I jolted when I paused waiting for his response.  Realizing this was a great topic and it would have been a most interesting discussion.  Made me think about how many we’ve missed in his absence and my not being inspired by life anymore.  I took a nap and woke up so empty knowing it was time to feed myself.  It’s not even worth calling dinner.  That’s a sharing thing.  This is just survival fuel.  Staring out into the night alone at the table. 

In the grocery store today they were playing Angel from Montgomery by Bonnie Raitt.  That was one of the songs I sang with the band and Steve had recorded several times with different instruments.  The song I was always asked to sing at gatherings.  I had forgotten how he would grab me at parties and say 'you’re up, babe'.  People often didn’t know I sang.  He was so proud of me.  He even got me to the point I could sing without having a drink first.  You know how you don’t know the sound of your own voice?  I’d hear the recordings and say, who is that?  He’d say you!

saw one of the many doctors that are now my life as well.  Thinking about all the appointments coming up.  It’s time to be totally honest about where I am mentally.  My spine, lungs, thyroid, hips, knees are shot.  I have no reason to fight these wars to just wind up being alone.  I wish I could cry, but I’m blocked.  Or maybe I’m cried out.  The house has been lifeless so long.  I wish I cared enough to have the carpets cleaned.  The car cleaned up.  The yard spruced up. It adds to the grief that I let things go longer because it’s not a big deal when you live alone now.  Even chores were traditional way back when.  Part of the life is we had routine.  

Do you have times if day every day that are predictably tough?  I do.  Can count on them every single day no matter what I am doing.  Or maybe it’s the not doing as they occur at home.  I don’t even have to look at a clock.  No matter if I even mix things up a bit, they are consistent.

I’m scared.  I feel no reason to keep going.  I feel nothing.  I started this to try an get out how I feel, but now I see I don’t and that is a major red flag.  This is beyond sadness.