Grief removes all guard rails

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve been having a terribly lonely time lately.  I so miss talking with Steve about so much that is going on or comes into my head.  I was changing clothes last night and having a philosophical discussion with myself.  I didn’t even realize it til I jolted when I paused waiting for his response.

This is just survival fuel.  Staring out into the night alone at the table. 

In the grocery store today they were playing Angel from Montgomery by Bonnie Raitt.  That was one of the songs I sang with the band and Steve had recorded several times with different instruments.  The song I was always asked to sing at gatherings.  I had forgotten how he would grab me at parties and say 'you’re up, babe'.  People often didn’t know I sang.  He was so proud of me.  He even got me to the point I could sing without having a drink first. 

I saw one of the many doctors that are now my life as well.  Thinking about all the appointments coming up.  It’s time to be totally honest about where I am mentally.  My spine, lungs, thyroid, hips, knees are shot.  I have no reason to fight these wars to just wind up being alone.  I wish I could cry, but I’m blocked.  Or maybe I’m cried out. 

The house has been lifeless so long.  I wish I cared enough to have the carpets cleaned.  The car cleaned up.  The yard spruced up. It adds to the grief that I let things go longer because it’s not a big deal when you live alone now.  Even chores were traditional way back when.  

Do you have times if day every day that are predictably tough?  I do.  Can count on them every single day no matter what I am doing.  Or maybe it’s the not doing as they occur at home.  I don’t even have to look at a clock. 

I’m scared.  I feel no reason to keep going.  I feel nothing.  I started this to try an get out how I feel, but now I see I don’t and that is a major red flag.  This is beyond sadness.

Gwen:  Loved reading about you and your ability to sing and how Steven would grab you and get you to perform at social gatherings.  What a wonderful man he was to give you the courage, with or without an adult beverage.  That's what a loving husband does for us - gives us courage along with their love. 

I miss the wonderful morning chats my husband and I would have with our coffee before we got on with our planned days.  I can't say that there is really a special time of day that I notice I miss him the most, I just miss him so much, no matter what the clock says.  

I hear you about the doctor appointments.  There is always an appointment for myself, plus the appointments for my Maddie.  I get so frightened each time I have to take her in to the vet for her treatments.  I hold my breath as I think this could be the last time she will be able to get into my car.  So far with the help of a couple of plastic tubs she jumps up on and into the back of my car.  She is able to jump down, just has trouble getting up and in.

I also get so scared and understand why you feel the same.  When this happens to me I try to pull myself back to thinking, "Stay in the now and take one day at a time".  It helps for that moment, but have to re-think it again the next time I get that sickening feeling in my stomach. 

Dee

[Gwenivere]

Ya know, I wrote that drawn out post and realized when I was volunteering today that I could have spared your eyes a bunch.  

I feel things physically, mostly pain and drug side effects.  What I don’t feel are any emotions.  This has never happened before.  I feel......nothing.  I don’t know how to deal or do about it.  The psych sites I trust to read say this is a very bad thing.  They are right.  I can’t even find an emotion to attach to knowing I will be like this the rest of the night and wake up to it.  Too many things happened in the last 2 months and I wonder if I just shut down.  Turned off.  I only feel anger or frustration I can’t cry.  I so want to.  

Dee, I’m so sorry about Maddie.  I go through the same with my Ally.  I have steps for her too to get into the car.  Used to be check ups and vaccinations.  Now it’s possible maladies and surgery.  And we have to face that alone.  It’s so hard.  Hugs to you to pass to her and a big one for you.  ❤️

[Jackie - Richard]

Marg M...

...quoting: " but they have not discovered how to fix the unfixable.  (Not sure that is a word) " yes our medics cant fix a " broken heart.." The morning of the day 11th April my Richard was still laying dead on the floor, after the medics and police had one by one got up after trying to revive him, someone phoned my local GP and all she offered me was some anti-depressants medication, I straight away declined them as this was not going to bring my Richard back, nor my-our three dogs ( my fur-babies ) nor get rid of my PP-Multiple Sclerosis...anti-depressant medication seems to be our medics answer to everything...

...quoting: " I truly believe "where there is will, there is a way."  Oh yes, one of my late fathers well known idioms that he was always saying, he too believed in this...Although at this present time in my now lonelier and emptier life, I cant see a way forward as yet...nor do i feel that i even want to go forwards without my Richard by my side...

 

Jackie..

 

 

[kayc]

I was thinking about you yesterday, Gwen, even as you were writing this.  Weird how that's happened lately.  I often feel the same things, but I don't have your medical issues and that's a big difference...this is me perhaps a few years from now, that scares me.  I hate growing old alone, I really do.  I've lived on my own for 14 years now.  My one consolation, incentive, help, has been my dog and now I even have to lose him?  I don't know how I'll do it (go on without him).  I say that every day with Arlie is a good day, but don't know how many more I'll have.  Yesterday was seven weeks since his diagnosis.  The hemp oil is helping him.  Still have to coax him into eating in the mornings.  

I cleaned the grate in front of the carport with my bare hands...it's like a trench with a grate over it so rainwater can drain off (since the carport is downhill from the driveway), but I can't get the bolts off to remove the grate so have to put my fingers into it and pull the dirt/needles out, it's laborious and time consuming.  Since I can't kneel anymore, I bend over.  Later on I realized how sore that made my legs.  It seems everything I do now makes me sore!  I cleaned out the chest freezer, couldn't reach the bottom so had to lean over it, feet off the ground, and use ice scraper and dust pan to scrape the sides and bottom...later on I realized how sore that made my arms.  Getting old...

Gwen, I didn't realize you sang and in a band at that!  Wow!  Alto, soprano, what?  I sing on the praise team and did choir from the time I was a teenager to recently when we no longer have one.  I always enjoyed it.

Dee, I had to buy a portable stepstool for my pickup so I can check the oil because I'm too short to reach/see it otherwise.  It would work great for Maddie to get into your car, I got it at WalMart.  Folds up nicely.

 

[Gwenivere]

I really feel for you, Kay about Arlie.  They gave me a new med to try and I’m nervous to.  If she reacts oddly I can’t get her anywhere.  Worries I never had before I was alone.  

I could never have done those projects.  I’m amazed at your commitment to get them done.

I open my mouth and sing.  Don’t know about high or low.  Middle maybe?  Louise is another one I was called on to do, no back up on that one like the chorus on Angel.  I learned them both from Bonnie Raitt recordings.

 

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, I had to buy a portable stepstool for my pickup so I can check the oil because I'm too short to reach/see it otherwise.  It would work great for Maddie to get into your car, I got it at WalMart.  Folds up nicely.

kayc:  Hmmm.  Actually I have a fold up 2 step step stool.  Will give it a try.  Thanks for suggestion.  And, yes I have to agree with Gwen on your home maintenance abilities, you are super woman.   Dee.

 

[widow'15]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Ya know, I wrote that drawn out post and realized when I was volunteering today that I could have spared your eyes a bunch.  

I feel things physically, mostly pain and drug side effects.  What I don’t feel are any emotions.  This has never happened before.  I feel......nothing.  I don’t know how to deal or do about it.  The psych sites I trust to read say this is a very bad thing.  They are right.  I can’t even find an emotion to attach to knowing I will be like this the rest of the night and wake up to it.  Too many things happened in the last 2 months and I wonder if I just shut down.  Turned off.  I only feel anger or frustration I can’t cry.  I so want to.  

Dee, I’m so sorry about Maddie.  I go through the same with my Ally.  I have steps for her too to get into the car.  Used to be check ups and vaccinations.  Now it’s possible maladies and surgery.  And we have to face that alone.  It’s so hard.  Hugs to you to pass to her and a big one for you.  ❤️

Gwen:  Please don't have any regrets you could have spared our eyes.  You have such a beautiful style of putting your feelings on paper and by doing so helps me understand why I feel like I do so many times.   I am convinced your volunteering helps so many more not on this forum. 

I think of you and Ally so often and hope the new medication will help her but understand your apprehension. 

Thank you for your hugs for Maddie.  Each day she is able to have a good day, is a good day for me.  She had a good walk with the dog walker today.  I can't walk her as I used to so have hired a walker that gives her a good walk twice a week.  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

Vet gave me gabapentin for Ally.  About 8 hours after taking it she lost a lot of control of her hind legs.  Was on the phone with the emergency vet who said to keep an eye on her over night.  I’m beside myself with worry and I will not give her another.  I was suspicious of the 300mg dose and research said for her weight it should be about 62.  It’s gonna be a tense night sleeping and I won’t put her in bed as usual in case she tries to get down which she normally does in a few hours.  Now I do feel something.  Anger at this pain that makes it so hard to think about what I will do if there is an emergency.  Gawd.  Is there ever any peace?  I can barely function mentally from my meds being messed up.  I so need Steve.  This is too much for one person.  

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I wish I was there to help you with her!  Is there no neighbor, anyone who'd help?  I'd be desperate enough to knock on doors if need be.  I did have one neighbor that offered assistance if/when the time came for Arlie...I appreciate that.  It'd be hard to drive him in to his death by myself, I hate the thought.  It's not looking like I'll have to worry for a while, but I know when he declines it'll go fast...whenever he stops eating.  So far I've been able to coax him but when he gets nauseated all the treats in the world won't be able to entice him.

Dee, I hope they still carry that kind of stepstool.  I hear you, I say the same thing, every day with Arlie is a good day.  I bet Maddie looks forward to her walks too!

[Margm]

I'm so sorry about the fur babies.  Kelli's Nawlin's had a high fever,  had a seizure, tiny poodle that is getting on up there in age.  Kelli having the radiation every day and it making her ill, throwing up, sores in her mouth.  Nawlin's would just die if she was away from Kelli, has to be touching her at all times.  The vet gave her medicine, think a steroid, and it caused reactions.  At least now she is sleeping it off, both of them.  We went to see "Mamma Mia" at the big city theater and none of  us got to bed until the a.m. hours so everyone slept it off except Brianna who could not sleep.  Just want Kelli to sleep all day, Nawlin's too.  Kelli got 24 red roses from an anonymous source  (for her birthday) so she gave a rose to everyone in her apartment that meet downstairs each night.  I never remember July having but 31 days, but I swear this month has 61.  I hope for peace for all of you.  Things really get hectic.  

[Gwenivere]

Kay, no, there really isn’t anyone I could count on around me.  I’m really the only home owner here.  All the other houses are come and go people or I’ve never even seen them.  Long time ago both sides were renters that were always aroundwe became friends with for help both ways.  Sure took that for granted.  I didn’t realize how that has added to the aloneness I exist in.  Ally was doing fine today, even jumped in the car when I left.  It was a tough night not having her next to me.  

Lonely Saturday night again.  To make things even more fun, a back molar cracked some off.  Gawd, and silly me misses when we had a good time.  

[kayc]

Marg, hope things get better for Kelli and Nawlin!

Gwen, I'm so sorry, I do know how hard that is...I can't even get my Colonoscopy because there's no one to drive me.  Not that I want one.  I'd rather have a root canal any day!
I have an empty property next to me, and empty property across the street, I think I'd feel a whole lot better if there were neighbors there.  I do feel pretty isolated.  The neighbors I used to count on for dog sitting and also working on my pickup have moved away to another town, so I don't have that anymore.  I'm beginning to realize that support is one of the biggest things we need!  And if you don't have a spouse, that "support" is ever changing.

I hope you can get your molar fixed soon...if it starts hurting, go to a drugstore and get some dental wax to fill it in temporarily, try to eat on the other side.  If air gets in you'll want to put your fist through the wall!  Been there...

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Kay, no, there really isn’t anyone I could count on around me.  I’m really the only home owner here.  All the other houses are come and go people or I’ve never even seen them. Long time ago both sides were renters that were always around we became friends with for help both ways.  I didn’t realize how that has added to the aloneness I exist in.  Ally was doing fine today, even jumped in the car when I left.  It was a tough night not having her next to me.  

To make things even more fun, a back molar cracked some off.  Gawd, and silly me misses when we had a good time.  

Gwen:  Was not on my laptop yesterday and just read your latest and am so sorry you had to experience another miserable evening of feeling so helpless and angry at this being alone.   So thankful Ally is doing better.  It is so amazing how these precious animals can seem to forget they had a bad day.  I am hoping your molar won't create another emergency for you.

I have neighbors that have offered to help me should I need help and I pray should I ever need help they will be available.  Everyone is usually gone or so busy with their lives and families I am usually the only one home.  There I go.  Not staying in the NOW.  Ugh.   Dee

[Johnny]

KayC, Gwen, and Dee,

I am still hoping for the best for my little boy Strider. I took him to the park and we spent the day walking the trails. He is still behaving as if nothing is wrong so I am grateful for that. I am watching him closely when he urinates. The Vet said if he is unable to go it will be an emergency situation and I will have to get help immediately. Never had experience with a UTI before and I am unsure what to expect. I love him so very much.

This is another very tough aspect when dealing with grief alone. The punches keep coming but there is nobody around to lend a shoulder to cry on. When I had my wife, I knew tough times were coming but as long as we had each other, everything would be alright.

Now, the hard knocks are that much harder. It's easier to stay strong when you feel the love from the one you care about more than anything.

Best wishes and prayers for all our fur babies.

[Gwenivere]

27 minutes ago, Johnny said:

This is another very tough aspect when dealing with grief alone. The punches keep coming but there is nobody around to lend a shoulder to cry on. When I had my wife, I knew tough times were coming but as long as we had each other, everything would be alright.

That is truly the crux of it.  I could never count all the emergencies or worries Steve and I dealt with.  Together.  They weren’t easy but now it’s so darned hard to not have that shoulder.  I don’t doubt decisions I would make, but alone in the outcome if they are bad?  With my elder dog I am facing seeing it coming.  I’d love to stay in the now, but in some situations you can’t as you have to make adaptations which pulls you more in.  

Yes, all of us with fur baby probs, I feel so helpless for us all.  They didn’t replace our partners, but they love us and keep some of that family feeling alive.  

[kayc]

Johnny, I truly hope Strider is on the mend.  Usually UTIs respond well to antibiotics.

Gwen, I hope you were able to get an appt. with your dentist for asap.  And I hope it's not hurting too much.  I relate to what your saying, having our pets aging and no one else with that vested interest in them to help us in our loss, that's beyond tough.  At first I wished I didn't know about Arlie's diagnosis, but I've changed my stance on that.  Not only does it allow me to understand what's going on with him and how to help him, to always give one more bellyrub, one more trip to the park, but little by little I'm processing this...in the end the finality will hit me like a ton of bricks, but sudden death/shock can be really hard to deal with.  Not that I'm sure it helps to know ahead of time.  Who knows, it's just different.

[MartyT]

I hope you're also taking lots of pictures of Arlie, Kay ~ and do share some of them with all of us!

[widow'15]

On 7/28/2019 at 6:43 PM, Johnny said:

KayC, Gwen, and Dee,

I am still hoping for the best for my little boy Strider. I took him to the park and we spent the day walking the trails. He is still behaving as if nothing is wrong so I am grateful for that. I am watching him closely when he urinates. The Vet said if he is unable to go it will be an emergency situation and I will have to get help immediately. Never had experience with a UTI before and I am unsure what to expect. I love him so very much.

Best wishes and prayers for all our fur babies.

Johnny:  Thank you for your wishes and prayers for my Maddie.  Good to hear your Strider is going about his life with no noticeable signs of illness.   Keeping you both in my thoughts.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Johnny, I had a dog once with a UTI.  Urine with blood and sure freaks you out.  Antibiotics fixed it quickly, hope the same holds true for a Strider.  

Hopeful wishes for Arlie and Maddie.  

Ally is holding her own so far.  I do as you do, Kay.  Pet her more often and extra treats.  Melody does catch us tho.  Food radar.  

[kayc]

I am a terrible photographer, my kids have teased me about it.  Every time I see Arlie chilling with this contented happy look I try to get a picture of it...this has been going on the whole time I've had him and I've yet to capture it!  As soon as he sees/hears me with the camera, he changes expression!  I'll keep trying though.

Today I made a change to the food I'm preparing for Arlie, I've been having to add Kielbasa to his food to get him to eat, and egg to the dry...which ends up in him being overfed and then he doesn't want to eat it all but I need him to get all of his hemp oil and probiotics down.  So today when I made him a new batch of dogfood (homemade) I ran the Kielbasa through the food processor and added it to the mixture so when I measure it out he won't be overfed.  Plus it chopped it finer so he's more likely to get the flavor with every bit, coaxing him to finish it up.  Living and learning!   Last night he left some of his dry food so I crumpled up a couple of Doritos and mixed it in, he ate it with gusto!

Here's a couple of attempts:

 

[widow'15]

kayc:  I love Arlie's smiling face.   My philosophy in getting them to eat is "whatever works" and the same goes when trying to pill them.  Thank you for sharing the photos.  Dee

[Johnny]

KayC, 

Arlie's smile is infectious. Wow! Totally irresistible.

Here is a picture of Strider from last Christmas wearing his holiday toboggan.

Arwen is the little girl of the house. And yes, have you ever seen such a tongue!

My precious boy and girl.

[Margm]

He looks like he has a permanent smile.  Good pictures Kay.

[Johnny]

Gwen,

Little girl definitely has food radar. She is all of 25 lbs and she drives Strider off of his food. He is 73 lbs and he is scared of her. It's so funny to see! 

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Johnny said:

KayC, 

Arlie's smile is infectious. Wow! Totally irresistible.

Here is a picture of Strider from last Christmas wearing his holiday toboggan.

Arwen is the little girl of the house. And yes, have you ever seen such a tongue!

My precious boy and girl.

 

 

Johnny:  What precious faces.  Your fur babies are definitely lucky to have you to watch over them.   

This picture was on Facebook the other day:

Dee

Edited July 31, 2019 by widow'15
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