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Grief removes all guard rails


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14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

My philosophy in getting them to eat is "whatever works" and the same goes when trying to pill them.

It's not that simple, his cancer makes him nauseous in the morning and he has had lifelong Colitis and is on a restricted diet to keep from an outbreak, which brings him to death's door.  He can't tolerate the antibiotics they use to treat it.  So it's very challenging getting him to eat now.  I follow his pills with a treat but when he starts refusing treats, I'm in trouble. I've had to put peanut butter on his treats a few times to get him to want them so he'd take his pills.

Strider and Arwen are both adorable, Johnny!  How is Strider doing with the UTI, is it responding to the antibiotics yet?

Arlie's smile is what won me over...here is the picture in the newspaper that made me call the rescue.  I love his perky ears!

Arlington.jpg

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KayC,

Thank you! I have been watching Strider closely and I haven't noticed anything unusual when he has go. He seems fine but I will not know for sure if he is truly better until I take a sample of his urine to the Vet with me again on 8/6/19. The Vet said it sometimes takes awhile for the antibiotics to start to really work. She put him on a different antibiotic the last time I took him in to get checked to see if he was improving. I am hoping for the best. If she finds blood in his urine again she said she will need to take some X-rays to see if he has gallstones.

It is challenging as well for me to give Strider his pill. He is getting smarter and when I mix it in his wet food he somehow manages to eat it all without swallowing the pill. Now, I have to cut up a hotdog and feed him pieces of it in rapid succession to trick him into swallowing the piece with the pill in it. Also found that putting it in a ball of cheese works well. They are so smart!

Love the picture of Arlie and I can see why you were hooked at first site. I also saw a picture of Strider on the computer and I was hooked. I love his markings. Strider showed up at my Dad's when he was only about six months old. He was in a bad way. He showed up at my Dad's house in the 100 degree heat of June in 2012. He had no food, no water, lost with no identification. My Dad showed me his picture and I went and got him the very same day. He was ate up with fleas so the first thing I did when I got him home was give him a good flea bath to kill all the fleas and took him to the vet to get checked out the very next morning. Turned out that he had tape worm from the fleas and he had the red mange because his immune system was weak.

That very first night he slept with me in the bed and I know that was probably his first night of peace without all those terrible biting fleas. My heart went totally out to him and he has been spoiled rotten ever since.

He is an inside dog and he has slept with me every night until I met my wife Rene'e. He has never spent a single night outside since I've had him. Now that Rene'e is gone, he is back sleeping with me again in the bed. He is so spoiled rotten.

I even used to buy him his own box of ice-cream sandwiches. His favorite! :D

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I hope they were the doggie ice cream.  :)  Frosty Paws is what I bought my kids.  Yeah, there’s nothing like having them sleep with you unless they are a bed hog.  Ally always slept with us right down the middle.  Had to cut back on cuddle time.  She starts by me and moves to Steve’s side.  My kids get canned green beans for weight management.  Fills them up.  Raw baby carrots after dinner.  Every now and then a squirt of whipped cream as that has such low sugar.   Try peanut butter for pills.  I just put a decent amount on my finger, shove the pill inside and it’s gone.  Of course the other dog has to have some too.  No sneaking anything past them!

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I'm praying and hoping with you that all goes well for Strider!  Yes, I know all so well how attached we get to them, and what good companions they are.  I got Arlie 3 1/2 years after my George passed, but I know he would have loved him and when it's time to let him go, I pray George will be there to take care of him and give him some love.  I've had all wonderful dogs in my life, but I'm closest to Arlie, most likely because he has the perfect personality for me, and also it's been just him and I (well the cat but she's different).

I've been cooking for my dog to control his Colitis and it has 8 different vegetables in it, he can have 1/2 his food in dog food.  My son's dog, Skye, had Colitis too, different part of intestines, but he'd researched and found a dog food that worked for him so that's the one I use on Arlie.  I hear you on the trying to get them to take pills...Arlie has the jaws of a shark, I got a few scrapes and bruises at first trying to put his pills down his throat, but no w he opens wide, is gentle, he know he gets a treat afterwards.  I put them in plain view so he knows it's coming.  Oh what we go through!  I've tried hiding pills in stuff, never worked, I think he smells it in there, he always takes the goody and spits out the pill. :unsure:

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Gwen,

Strider is definitely a bed hog. Little girl Arwen prefers to sleep at the foot of the bed. Strider always wants to lay across the bed and just looks at me like "Where are you going to sleep"? I think the peanut butter is a great idea.

KayC,

Strider does like green beans and he will eat other vegetables if they are mixed in with meat.

Ya know, I have been thinking a lot about this topic and how hard things are going to happen to us and we have to feel the additional pain of facing them without the one person we loved more than anything in the world. Sometimes I find myself doing things just because I think that Rene'e would have liked it and I don't know why because she is gone. Rene'es starter was going out on her car and although I didn't need to have it fixed right away I couldn't stand the thought of their being something wrong with it so I had it fixed right away.

I was sick a couple of days with a upset stomach and I turned into a huge baby. I had to force myself to go to the drug store to get something to try to make me feel better. I got sick twice on the way there. I had a bout of diverticulitis once which landed me in the hospital for six days and I just narrowly avoided having to have surgery. I still worry that I will have another inflammation which could lead to an infection and I do not know what I would do then. It is tough to try to take care of yourself when you just can't find the motivation anymore.

I know that being negative about the future doesn't help. I hate it when I know that it hurts my Mom when I tell her I am not able to see my life getting any better. It is just so hard to understand everything that grief puts us all through each and every day. I do try to laugh and I know that people care. Everyone is very nice to me at work and I know it's their way of trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. There is just no stopping the pain sometimes and I know we all grow very tired of hurting.  

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I find telling someone I am a widow pretty much puts the kabash on people pratelling on at me often.  If they offer advice and haven’t experienced it, I shut that down cold.  I was at the doctors today, hoping he will be a good fit for a primary care and as he was going thru all these things I needed to attend to (like I could forget, I’m the one living in this messed up body), I acknowledged that and added....'being a widow.....'.  Silence for a moment.  Then the Im so sorry, I didn’t know.  He then toned down and the conversation went much better.  

I don’t use it for leverage, I’m just sick of people not getting I am an adult, not stupid and want to be heard with that respect.  I seek help as I need it.  Had to make a deal with this guy to talk to a shrink about my panic meds.  Did that last year and couldn’t find anyone that was accepting patients or had such drastic changes I knew would make me suicidal.  I do my research and have been down the experimental bunny trail many times.  I told him I’d try, but to keep in mind I do have an anxiety disorder so I can’t just waltz into an appointment that is outside my comfort zone, hence why it is called what it is.  I struck gold when I found the doctor I’m trying to replace.  I want another 'if it’s not broken, let’s not fix it' person.  You’d think my history of medication for 30 years that has not needed changing would be adequate.  But I babble and digress.

Johnny, yup, peanut butter is magic for pills and canned and raw veggies for weight.  I’m glad the people at work understand as best they can.  I keep Steve’s van running, fueled, oil changes and drives now and then.  Run it thru car washes when really needed.  It’s probably not good it sits most of the time, but I like it is here and in good shape.  It’s important to me like Rene's is to you.  It’s not just a machine.  It has many memories in it.  I let go of so much of his stuff.  I like seeing it when I come home.  An empty space would spiral me even lower..  if only I could have the driver back packing it for a gig.  😓

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Johnny,

Diverticulitis is extremely painful I understand, I had a friend that had it and it landed her in the hospital with surgery.  Yes, going through these things alone is very tough.  My son said he'd be here for me when the time comes for Arlie to go to his resting place, that means a lot to me (I posted about it in Living with Loss, pet section).

Gwen,

I totally relate to what you're saying.  I hope you find a doctor that will be right for you, Lord knows they can be hard to find.  My sister is going through that right now.

I get some murmurings about me being overboard with my dog, I feel angry when people say crap like that.  I've been caregiver for humans, why would I NOT care for my dog?!  He's been my sole companion for 10 1/2 years!  I have an article that I'd love to hand them, but I just let it go because they're showing their ignorance, although if they persist they'd better look out because I'll have a retort they won't like.  No use for such nonsense right now...they have the right to keep their mouths shut.

 

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57 minutes ago, kayc said:

I get some murmurings about me being overboard with my dog,

And, what business is it for anyone to criticize you for anything you do  for you or yours, anything of yours?  Murmurings are just things said when people put their foot in their mouth, or maybe in this case type with their toes.  You take care of your house, your fur baby, your life like you would do if no one ever said anything.  No one else but your business.  Like our  grieving, that is the path that we walk and no one else can do it for us.  No recommendations to you for your fur baby, he has a big smile on his face, he is well fed, it is your property, and I hope he lives out his life with all the love that you give, with as little pain as possible.  

For two years, on my back road to Walmart there is a small black dog that runs between three roads.  I cannot have animals here, and he has a collar on him.  I do know the traffic is slow for the country setting of the big nice homes on those roads and I have to believe he belongs to one of these houses.  If he didn't, he would have his ribs showing and he is very well fed.  I can only surmise he belongs to one of these families and probably gets out of the yard, and they are all fenced yards, nice homes.  But, he is going to be hit by a car, I'm afraid, yet he has been doing this for 2-3 so I can only hope he is traffic savvy.  

You also are gossip savvy, and I am sure you take such things with a grain of salt, so to speak.  No one's business.  Your fur baby is well fed, has a beautiful smile, and you know to ignore stupid people.  

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Gwen,

I love it that you refer to them as your kids.

When Rene'e was with me I used to shout out "Daddy's Home!" when I came through the door after work. They would run to the door to great me tails just a wagging so hard with excitement.

And I would reach down and give them a good scratching and ask them "Where's Mommy?".

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Marg,

It was a couple of my neighbors thinking I'm ridiculous because I'm having anticipatory grief over my dog.  I told them it's a little different if you throw your dog out in the back yard  and toss them some food once a day than it is if you LIVE with your dog, interact with them, and they're your sole companion for 10 1/2 years!  I figured that ought to shut them up.  

Last night he had the start of a Colitis outbreak and then at 2 am he woke me needing to go outside.  So I let him out and then got some chicken breasts out and baked them with some barbecue sauce, cooked some white rice and added some pumpkin...his Colitis outbreak diet. I finally get done and go out in the yard as soon as it's light with the pooper-scooper and voila, his stools looked normal!  All that work in the wee hours for nothing!  Oh well, he'll enjoy having something different. :P

My son says he wants to be here for me when I have Arlie euthanized and I told him within two weeks...he laid there looking sad and/or sleeping the last couple of days, he's panting, licking his lips (signs of pain), his belly is distended from the liver not working right, signs of kidneys not working right, glands hugely swollen...it's time.  I don't want him suffering so I can keep him longer.  I bawled yesterday, I just don't know how I'm going to live without him, it's the hardest decision I've ever made.  Harder than divorce because it's someone loving and sweet and wonderful and I don't want to lose him.  Yesterday I made the call to a vet I want to use and they were great...I'd been there with my other neighbor when he went through the same thing with his dog and the place had a comfortable caring feel to it.  Not using VCA anymore.

Gwen,

I'm "Mom" to my "kids" too.  I don't think they know my name is Kay. ;)

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Kay, it is so hard to let go.  I was not letting go of Billy.  That is why I hit his hands down when they reached for me.  He was hurting so bad.  I don't know if I can ever let go, but how much more humane  to save your loved fur babies from the extreme pain we humans have to go through.  They just go into a peaceful sleep that we also wish we could do.  Daddy had prostate cancer.  My pastor's dad had prostate cancer and he told Mama it would be a cruel inhumane death.  Mama got angry at the pastor (and frankly, I did not blame her).  We suffer along with our loved ones.  I held Billy in my arms while he puked his insides out.  In the ER they did nothing for him.  He was sitting in a corner with me surrounding him, holding him, putting as much morphine into him I could get him to keep down, yet when we take our fur babies in, they slip them a shot and they leave us in a painless way.  So unselfish of us to want their peace.  How selfish of humanity to let our loved ones hurt in the most impossible way.  My dad had decubitus ulcers on his heels where he had dug down against the pain.  We kept vigil by their bed because they could not give enough morphine to kill them, just enough that we sitting by their sides would pray to God, please let that be the last breath, but no, moments later a deep breath and we would start all  over again.  My mama said something very humane, very intelligent, "why can't we give our loved ones Heroin, they will still meet the same end, but possibly they would not hurt so bad, possibly their waking moments would have a more "feel good" high than the laborious Cheyne-Stokes breathing that we can only hope is their last.  You will miss your fur baby terribly, but he will not leave you hurting himself, he will just sleep.  I have heard of them, now I know of one case they brought in one of the "Angels of Mercy" for a friend of mine, for her husband.  Who am I to judge?  

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 KayC said "I don't want him suffering so I can keep him longer."

I've been fortunate to have three of the most gentle, loving, wonderful companions in my adult life that I could have ever dreamed of having. Wubi was my first dog as an adult and he was born under my house on Dec. 12th, 2000. He was a part of a litter of three and I showed them to some kids and I think that was a mistake because when I went to look for them the next day, they were gone and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I sat down on my porch feeling utter despair that they had been taken and had my head down on my knees when I heard a little peep and out of the corner of my eye I saw just one lonely little guy wondering around all by himself.

He was a beautiful red short haired Lad/Chow mix. His Dad was a yellow Lab and his Mom was a miniature red Chow. I fell in love with him and named him Wubi which stands for "Will You Be Intelligent". He lived to be eight years old but passed away due to "Bloat" or gastric dilatation volvulus which is what Marley died of in the movie. I took him to the emergency Vet and they told me they made a small incision to relieve the pressure and he was responding well and wagging his tell and standing on his own when all of a sudden he had a heart attack. He was about to have surgery and I was hoping for the best as he appeared to be responding to the treatment but it just wasn't to be. I was totally devastated and found myself afterwards wondering around outside aimlessly and I even filled his water bowl before I realized what I was doing. He was my first and holds a special place in my heart forever. I had him cremated so he remains with me always.

Four days later I adopted Stretch. He was a beautiful black Lab who grew to be 110 lbs in just four years. He was never sick or hurt for a single day in his life. He got a small bump on the underside of his belly and it looked like an insect bite that might be getting infected so I immediately took him to the Vet to get checked out. He turned out to have Mast Cell cancer and in just three short weeks he had the tumors almost everywhere. He had tarry black stools for two weeks and gradually became weaker and weaker. I tried to remain hopeful for him because he was still eating and even on his last day he managed to eat some chicken and rice I cooked for him. I knew that I had to do something when he was standing on the porch and he was so weak that his legs were sliding out from under him. I got on the phone with the vet and she said to bring him in and we would decide what to do when I got him there after she had a chance to see him. I knew that it would be selfish of me to keep him when I knew he was just hanging on for my sake. I loved him way too much for that. My neighbor Mr. Strange asked me if I would like him to go with me and I was grateful that I didn't have to take him alone. The vet said he had stage IV Mast Cell Cancer and the tumors I could see on the outside were nothing compared to what was on the inside. He was so anemic that his gums and his little pee pee were almost white. I understand that this is the hardest thing ever. He took his last breath in my arms. I am grateful that I was with him at the end. I could not stand the thought of leaving him only to come back home and find that he had passed away alone and in pain. There was no way I could let that happen to my precious little boy.

I am so sorry and my thoughts are with you and Arlie. 

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Kay, I am so sorry you are facing this.  I know that Arlie owns your heart and you his.  There is nothing I can say or do from here except let you know how hard this is.  I could not even read the posts after yours because of the pain.  Will your son stay you for a while so you aren’t alone?

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23 hours ago, Marg M said:

How selfish of humanity to let our loved ones hurt in the most impossible way.

That's why OR has a Death with Dignity Act.  A lot are against it for religious reasons, but after watching the immense suffering my MIL went through for three years, bedridden with cancer, watching her organs go one by one, so much pain.  In the end Morphine did no good as she didn't have enough blood pressure to move it through.  I was tempted to smother her to put her out of her pain but I couldn't, of course.  Those are some dark thoughts I am embarrassed to share, but I loved her so much, it was excruciating to watch.  When she died, I felt relief for her but also tremendous pain for myself because the finality set in, I knew I wouldn't get to talk to her again.  She was the mother I'd always wanted.  The most thoughtful person, it would take 100 people to fill her shoes!
I saw in the news an elderly man put his wife out of her suffering. He'll spend the rest of his life in prison.  He gave her a tremendous gift at his expense.  I know, some will see it differently.  He did what she wanted, but he didn't use the legal route.

15 hours ago, Johnny said:

I knew that it would be selfish of me to keep him when I knew he was just hanging on for my sake.

That is how I feel.  I am going to have to remind myself of this statement in the impending time.  So many pet lovers here.  Losing my husband made having a pet all the more important...Arlie was my made-to-order dog.  I've had nine in my life, all different, I loved them all, but I feel Arlie was created just for me.  My friend lost two dogs to bloat, so I bought her a special bowl for her remaining dog, I have one for Arlie and my son for his dog.  Certain breeds are more prevalent, barrel chested dogs.  I'd never heard of such a thing until her dog went through it and I started researching it.  Found here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FPKNRF0/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

15 hours ago, Johnny said:

I could not stand the thought of leaving him only to come back home and find that he had passed away alone and in pain.

My neighbor had the sweetest Pit Bull, her name was Miss Piggy.  She was 19 years old and had cancer...he did nothing.  She was foaming at the mouth and lost so much weight so quickly!  I talked to him about euthanasia but he didn't want to spend the money.  One day he went out to eat and when he got home, Miss Piggy was dead and Sammy (his lab) was traumatized by it.  I was so sorry to hear sweet little Miss Piggy died without him there, neglected and in pain.  Broke my heart, I loved her.  There is no doubt in my mind that relieving them of their pain is the only and right thing to do.  It is us that takes on their pain, I pray for strength to get through this.

Gwen, my son will drive here late the night before and be with me the day of but then has to get back home.  

Set the date for 8/16 10 am.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I feel like I am losing my mind.  After weeks of not being able to cry, I broke down last night screaming in mental agony wanting him back.  I couldn’t breathe it got so bad.  Things keep going wrong, my health is failing, the depression worsens at a rapid pace.  I don’t belong anywhere and our home is so dead.  The yard is unkempt and unused.  It’s like death does live here.  It does.  I haven’t felt true human touch in over 4 years.  Haven’t had a conversation in this house that was intimate and personal.  

I mentioned to a mutual friend about getting a flat in Steve’s van.  In his reply he asked why I still had it.  Nostalgia?  Did I have a use for it. Why not give it to a place that would use it.  Or turn it in for cash.  It was the reply of someone who never lost thier partner and also (sorry guys) like how men think.  Tho I doubt Steve would have unloaded my car as it wouldn’t be a priority.  Doesn’t matter, it was just obvious how outsiders do not get this yet again.  I, myself, thought it makes a good back up for my car.  But it’s more.  It’s his.  It always will be.  If I came hoe,e and it was gone I’d be devastated.  I’m already checking a dead PO BOX that I’ll probably let go.  But that wasn’t personal.  It will end decades of a wake up ritual tho.  

Today I really did not want to get up.  I’ve felt that forever, but today I almost said screw it and went back to sleep.  But I knew the change in routine would make it worse.  That’s all I have.   My human connections so far today?  Doctors as always.  Or lack of them as I try and get help and answers.  Tethered to my cell phone as they will 'get back to me' yet rarely do.  This is living when you feel no one cares.  

It all comes down to the basic human need for connection and love.  I have the love, no one to give it to and none coming in.  It’s like a once running clean stream is now stagnant with debris and insects.  It’s ugly.  It smells.  There’s no way it will run again.  I have to go out in that functioning world for essentials.  Don’t want to stay here either.  It reminds me of being a child and walking home from school the first time and getting lost.  The fear was phenomenal.  And this is worse.

all I can feel is what I was screaming last night......I want you back!

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Fridays I usually have a ladies get together/potluck...today it was cancelled.  Yesterday the senior site was cancelled because of the electricity being out...I didn't want several days in a row with no contact.  So I called a 95 year old that I knew would be lonely and invited her to lunch and afterwards we visited someone just home from the hospital...someone who isn't going to make it.  I also walked Joe again, along with his mom and her two other dogs and two babies.  It got me out at least.

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I go out and visit people too.  This is a deeper thirst for contact with the one I loved more than life and returned that feeling.  I understand getting out of ourselves helps.  But I never saw this coming yesterday.  Nor do I know why as my days are always empty without him.  It just did and I’m not going to look for triggers as it doesn’t matter.  TV or movies with couples scenes, people passing my house holding hands, couples in their 80’s shopping together.  That’s always there.  It was basic, primal.  I want him back.  To hold my hand, touch my hair, stroke my cheek, hug me......you all know what you miss from your mate.

I see that need for connection in my dogs.  They come to me to be touched.  They want to be petted.  I experimented and tried just talking to them lovingly.  Nope, they wanted touch.  Inched closer and closer til they nudged my arm.  They do that with each other as do my parakeets.  They are all teams with a connection.  I don’t have a team anymore.  The primal urge erupted big time.  I expect it will again.  

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Jackie, my heart really goes out to you.  My neighborhood has changed dramatically from the warm place it used to be.  Isolation is a terrible thing.  It’s now considered a form of torture in the Geneva Convention.  I don’t care how nice the prison is, if your in it, you’re stil a prisoner.  

Having to move is major stress on top of you losses.  Your Richard and your health.  I relate to that too.  

I wish I had some wise words of how to do this.  I really do. Just know you are heard and in some ways, you are not alone.  It’s so easy to feel that when we have no one close to connect with.  🦋

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