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Gwenivere

Grief removes all guard rails

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Jen,

Hope you listen to this and know that no matter how sad and despondent we are there is hope.

 

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We had a patient once that we just got her blood pressure under control and the company notified us that they were no longer going to pay for it.  This went on for 2 more times in 6 mos.  How are the doctors suppose to do the best for their patients when they tie their hands all the time.  If it ain't broke don't fix it.

The same things with precerts for certain radiology tests.  Do some jump to do them before trying a more conservative treatment first? Yes and I want to scream, you know they aren't going to do this without x,y.and z. Are there other times when it should be perfectly plain that the pt needs this. Yes, so don't give me a bunch of trouble.  Maybe someday they'll get this all figured out.

I'm sorry so many of you are going through all of this. Just keep advocating for yourselves.

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Gwen, good for your doctor.  The next time the health ins. calls me and "wants to go over my meds" I think I'll ask them, "WHERE did YOU go to medical school?"  The BP Rx I've been on for many many years.  It's working well.  Trust me, they do NOT want my BP elevated!

Joyce, I'm sorry you're also facing anniversary, so hard.

Yesterday did NOT turn out well (posted in Living with Loss, Pet section).

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Thanks for the video, MLG.  I’m not religious so it is a nice song but not something I can relate to.

Rerun news.....back in ER.  Started new med, some is side effects and my left calf and foot are all messed up.  Horrid pain.  On call doc said go now.  Waiting on blood work and another check for a possible DVT.  It’s a dismal rainy afternoon.  Why can’t I be laying with Steve and the fur babies watching a movie? 

I wonder how much stress it takes to finally snap?  (Rhetorical).  I always make plans for the next day but more and more I get stuck in some mess.  My thinking is all messed up.  Mail and phone are usually medical in some way.  

I want to be around people, but not this way.  I can’t even live my non life and be just lonely and sad.

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Oh Gwen, that is horrible!  Are you still in the hospital?  Let us know what you've found out.

My dog bites are painful and one of my fingers is red and swollen and I can't even get to the doctor until they pick this dog up, haven't heard from them in 1 1/2 days.  He pooped on the floor twice and when I came home from church yesterday, he'd broken out of the pen and gotten into the house, he can open the front door!  He's done it twice.  So the house was cold, it took hours to get it to warm back up again.  He pushed the skirting in and dug a bit and that is how he escaped.  I'm getting less inclined to have another dog.  My blood sugar is high even though I've ate healthy, and I know it's stress.

I haven't even had time to read the colonoscopy packet which is what I need to be concentrating me on.  And the (guy) friend I asked to ride with me when I got the dog?  Now he won't leave me alone, wants to date me, ugh!  He's 18 years older than me, so not interested!  This is awkward...the week seems to be getting worse and worse.

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Kelli went to work for a very old friend in his antiques shop, and he handles old postcards, etc.  She is a cutie and very personable so she brought in business and he would get jealous of the  people she would wait on as customers.  She took care of an antique show for him one whole week-end and made him money.  Then when he would pay her he would want to put the money in her pocket, or hold her hand a long time.  His hugs became too many.  We are looking at about a 30 year age difference.  He knew her when she was a nurse so he hit her with  the real reason he hired her.  (His wife is in a nursing  home), and he needs his diabetic feet operated on.  He said last time he had trouble using a urinal and he would need her help.  Now this man had been her friend, some distance between them over 30 years, but she trusted him.  She enjoyed learning from him the history of the city through arranging the postcard collection.  People do collect these things.  Her last day of work he became too personal.  She wrote him a nice note and told him he knew of her past history and the abuse she had suffered and has true PTSD from it.  She told him she would not be back.  He "cold shouldered" her for two days and then began texting.  She blocked him.  She needed the money, but sometimes people can take "friends" too far.  None of us  have to put up with this Kay.  I do suggest, although you already know, to somehow get that dog out of your life (and the man too, although both are the same in this case.)

 

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

and the man too, although both are the same in this case.

I'm not sure what you mean, Marg, maybe you misunderstood something.  The man is someone from my senior site that sits at my table, I've never had someone try to turn "barely friends" into something else so quick!  But the last thing in the world I need is to adopt an 85 year old man!  And the dog is already gone, I'm broken over the dog.  :(

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Was this dog part pit bull, Kay?  I’m so sorry you had this experience.  Has to be so hard when you so desperately need a companion, tho they will never replace Arlie.  They are all as unique as we are.  I would have been terrified of such a dog!  I know it’s not losing that particular dog because of the temperament, it’s a double whammy to have to lose another dog when you so tried to fill that void.

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Possibly I'm letting Kelli's "friend" influence me into criticizing your friend.  I hate it if it makes you uncomfortable being around him now. 

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Kay, I think Marg was just inferring that old adage that 'men are dogs'.   I remember that from being a kid an hearing my aunts talking.

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I am not a dog person nor a cat person.  (This is my own opinion and I made it all up in my tiny brain.)  We tend to call cats "she" and dogs "he" or at least maybe that is just me.  Cats can be so sweet and at the same time sneaky and jump up on cabinets where a pup, even if he could, he would not jump on the cabinet (probably couldn't) and he would mind you.  I tell my son to be careful, women are wily creatures, and of course my daughter, myself, my mom are the only women I noticed and perhaps I was warning him.  A dog usually (usually) is good-natured, sweet, and kind.  So, I better keep to  that old saying "when you're in a hole, quit digging."

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Gwen, the dog is Terrier and Schnauzer, 23 lbs.  He's sweet, cuddly, so adorable, super personality, housebroken sort of, extremely smart.  He never barked once, he can cry softly, he can growl.  He was perfect except the biting, and I think he has a history of abuse is why he is that way.  

Saturday night I was sleeping in my loveseat recliner and Jackson was in Arlie's recliner by the window.  The lights were off and all of a sudden I'm woke out of a dead sleep!  Jackson jumped up on the cat who was sleeping near me...he didn't know she was there as she wasn't when we went to sleep and turned the lights out.  A 25 year old cat getting woke up by a DOG jumping on them is quite a sight!  She became airborne, claws flashing wildly!  Jackson didn't realize WHAT happened, he was terrified out of his wits, as was the cat!  He jumped onto me and trembled the rest of the night (this happened at 10 pm so it was a long night).  I was scared to pick him up and move him next to me for fear he'd bite again so I kind of dozed off and on, not getting much sleep.

Sunday I went to church, came home and Jackson had pushed the skirting in on the house so he could have ample room to escape the pen he was in.  He then proceeded to open the front door (for the second time!) leaving it wide open so the house was cold when I got home.  Super smart little guy!  He's much more adorable than any picture can show because of his personality.

Yesterday the foster dad picked him up early so I didn't get to walk him or say goodbye.  The guy was angry with me for giving him up!  He wouldn't let Jackson take the monkey I'd given him, he loved shaking it.  I was so upset by how all this went down and was astonished how much I'd bonded with this little guy.  He was so sweet!  (when he wasn't biting)  I bawled for five hours.  

This morning I have an appointment to get my fingers checked, one is swollen and red and I just want to make sure there's no infection, although it doesn't appear infected, it may just be the overall trauma and bruising in addition to the lacerations.  This has all been such a hard experience, I'll never do business again with this company.

Jackson-1.jpg

Jackson-2.jpg

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I’m so sorry, Kay.  Hope your fingers are okay.  Those breeds are known for being rather unpredictable, but smart as they were bred for hunting small prey.  I have an email buddy whose wife got some kind of terrier and it also took to biting.  They only keep it under control by having it on Prozac.  I think it’s hard to find small dogs that are laid back.

you deserved a good cry.  We all try so hard to be strong and it’s exhausting.  It hit me this morning it’s going on 9 years of it.  Plus add in aging and we all face so many obstacles.  And then we ice this cake with grief.  As always, I didn’t want to face another day alone and disabled.  Seems like yesterday it was 2009 and we got the news about Steve and at the same time it was a lifetime ago.  Both hurt so much.  

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I got a call from my shrink today.  I got to see bigtime what a hard, cold b*stard he is.  I know they are trained for the meds and not counseling, but I felt like I was in trial with his yes and no questioning without taking into account the reasons for my despair.  He was not totally incorrect on his assessment, but he would not give me any credit for things I have done. Only zeroing on the wrongs, of which HE was wrong on some info.  I was a mess.  Felt like a failure of I don’t even know what.  He doesn’t factor in my being in physical pain all the time beyond bringing up being hospitalized.  The grief is like a blip on his radar.  My journey thru the worst 3 months starts next Tuesday.  Steve’s death.  All this guy talks about is increasing my antidepressant.  I don’t feel comfortable doing that while tackling another med change and thought we were in agreement it makes it too hard to manage side effects.  Fortunately I had a phone session with my therapist to talk me down.  I swear, if I were actively suicidal, this shrink would add fuel to it.  I went to the grocery store after my phone session and felt a little better til I walked back in here.  I’m intimidated but need him to prescribe my panic meds.  Absolutely no one else will with the opiate scare.  I’m not myself at all right now with what’s coming emotionally so this is going to be a real test of sanity.  9 years since my life got upended and a place I just inhabit.  I so miss feeling a flicker of something happy or content.  It disturbs me that I don’t want to be around people.   It isn’t healthy.  I just want to escape in sleep.  Almost a decade ago I could at least function physically.  I’m afraid I’ll lose my home at this rate.  Our home.  63 is no spring chicken, but I never envisioned this nightmare.  Just babbling because it’s another dark night.  That hasn’t helped that we are losing light so early here.  By December it will be 4pm latest of it.  

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My friend has always had terriers but none of them bit.  I don't mind it not being laid back, just can't tolerate the biting.  He really was sweet.  I notice on their FB they list him as good with children and dogs!  They are such liars!  I had to file a report with the county yesterday that will require him to be put on quarantine, I hate this.
I feel what you're saying, nine years?!  14 for me, and he should be driving me to my colonoscopy instead of my GF.  :(

I have been under so much stress lately, I forgot my Rxs yesterday and have to drive the 100 mile round trip back again this morning for my Colonoscopy prep, ugh.  Was hoping to have some relaxing time before starting this.

I just found out my insurance won't cover Peacehealth next year, the largest provider, which means I'd have to get a different dermatologist...I'll need a new ophthalmologist too, oh and they have no urgent care covered for my entire county!  I spent hours on the phone with them last night, as well as a couple of other days, everything I was told before is for naught.  I don't feel like looking into another insurance right now, this one covers my Rxs, so I may wait another year and see how it plays out.  It means I can't go to the largest hospital (Riverbend) but maybe that's a good thing.  I don't know what to hope for with medical/insurance anymore, scared of gov't control, but scared not for it too!

Gwen, I'm glad you got to talk to your therapist.  I would hope you would not have to have stronger anti-depressants, you're right about the side effects.  Too bad I don't like lavender scent, I know I could stand the calming effect.

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Went to see my doctor today.  It didn’t go well for my emotional state.  Lots of talk of med changes and more tests.  He wants me back in 2 weeks which I was not counting on.  There was more talk of surgery for veins if swelling in my legs doesn’t respond to higher thyroid meds.  But that isn’t the point of this.  It’s the being alone that keeps being drilled into me every time I turn around.  They nod and hand me Kleenex for the tears, and I know they are doing their jobs, but it’s so darned hard to walk out knowing you have no one anymore to where you need it most.....in your heart and soul.  I was talking to myself when I showered and realized I never did that before because I had someone.  Now I have a reflection and no reason to think someone would think I am crazy.  I did all the usual stuff to prepare for yet another lonely night.  I’ve given up thinking the morning will be better, it never is.  My 'breaks' are seeing my counselors.  Doing what little I can volunteering.  The rest is all medical.  I was reading about 'broken heart syndrome' and it has been found that many people have much shorter lives after losing a spouse.  The stress produces byproducts that harm organs in the body.  I’m a believer as I feel so much of what I am dealing with is based in the loss and no real life support.  For those of you that have family and friends or at least A friend, hang onto that.  Touch them, tell them you love them, share what is left of you with them.  My dogs are great, but they can’t replace what we need of contact and sharing.  I used to say I don’t remember when I felt whatever good emotion.  I must have been trying to fool myself.  I remember them all too well and that is what is suffocating me slowly.  I’m so grateful I can be me here.  

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Gwen, we can always be "us" here.  And, I believe in the broken heart syndrome.  My sister by another mother, we have gone through many years together, raised our kids same time, and she just lost her second husband.  She has a leaking aortic valve and was supposed to go for echocardiograms at scheduled times, but she took care of her husband and not herself.  Now, Thursday she goes in to find out what they can do.  She has kids, grandkids, close neighbors for 30 years, two sisters and a brother and I told her I would be with her if she wanted me to be.  She just wants me to be with her two girls if the worse happens.  I don't think I am a fatalist, but I sure have been in the past.  Your 2000 miles away, but if I could be with you, I would.  You have meaning to your life, even if you cannot see it.  You have seen patients alone, with no one to help them, no family, no friends, and you have sat with these people for nearly 30 years.  Your life has had more meaning to it than the highest CEO of any company.  You have come into so many people's life that sitting with them in that nursing home made them have meaning to their life.  What you have done, you  are a very important person my friend.  I admire you so much.  My daughter was a nurse in nursing homes and she still helps take care of sick, elderly people who have no one else.  It is the first of the month and a man she checks on every other day at age 93, he had a young woman in his house.  His two grown children have depended on Kelli to check on him.  We have to have people that will take time out of their life to help the person that cannot help themselves.  Do not cut yourself down, you have been a very important person to a lot of people with no voice for many years.  Not many of us can say how important we have been to people, but you can, just think back on the people you influenced to live another day, to look forward to seeing you each day.  And, we are here to tell you that you are important to us, even 2000 miles away.  Your reach is tremendous.  We care.

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s the being alone that keeps being drilled into me every time I turn around.  They nod and hand me Kleenex for the tears, and I know they are doing their jobs, but it’s so darned hard to walk out knowing you have no one anymore to where you need it most.....in your heart and soul.  

I was reading about 'broken heart syndrome' and it has been found that many people have much shorter lives after losing a spouse.  The stress produces byproducts that harm organs in the body.

My dogs are great, but they can’t replace what we need of contact and sharing.  I used to say I don’t remember when I felt whatever good emotion.  I must have been trying to fool myself.  I remember them all too well and that is what is suffocating me slowly.  I’m so grateful I can be me here.

Gwen:  I've read articles on broken heart syndrome and it frightens me too knowing this possibility.  Although, I would welcome a quick release of this life, but my Maddie would have to be taken  care of by someone else, and not as well as I think I do.  Even though I have a daughter and a son I don't see them very often due to their busy complicated lives.   Wish I could say I had a real "friend" I would feel comfortable imposing on.  I hire the dog walker that walks Maddie to drive me to my retina specialist appointments.  Thank goodness I haven't been faced with surgery as you are possibly facing.  Am hopeful the medication will work so surgery will not be necessary.

Your stress level is way high as you deal with so much daily.    Your sharing your fears and feelings here hopefully gives you a small amount of relief and lessens some of your stress.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

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Gwen,

When I went through that horrid storm the end of February and was without water and electricity for over eight days, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't even walk in it, that wasn't the hardest part...the hardest part was weathering it alone.  I felt so isolated, so cut off from the world.  Not having support is very hard.  My son is 2 1/2 hours away and normally only comes here once a year.  They're so busy I can't even go see them.  My daughter never calls or answers the phone. 

I, too, have caught myself talking to myself...which didn't look too bad when I had Arlie with me, but now I'm talking to a deaf dog.  Lord knows what the neighbors think!

What you are going through medically just exacerbates everything.  My heart really goes out to you...more than once I've wished we lived closer.  At least here I have some degree of connectivity, it helps, it really does.

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On 9/22/2019 at 6:57 PM, Gwenivere said:

Had a dream Steve was in briefly and that hasn’t happened in a long time.

I had a dream about George last night, we were living our very ordinary life, I made him pizza, he loved it (he always loved food, any kind of food).  In my dream I didn't have any idea he was gone, just living life like we used to.

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Yes!  I rarely dream about George, I don't know why, or at least I don't recall them when I wake up, but it was nice just to be living a regular day with him.  Sigh...

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I think the Xanax makes me have dream amnesia.  I can remember dreaming while I am in a dream and thinking I am going to remember it.  I don't.  But I do wake up most nearly every morning thinking someone is in bed with me, nothing sensual, just a moment of memory, then I sit up and it is gone.  Kinda wish they would stay awhile.  One thing Billy hated, and I learned early-on, not to mention a fellow being nice looking.  Now I say it all the time, and I think Billy probably laughs.  Yeah, my youngest grandson is 34, my only grandson, and he is so handsome, just wish we could get him into rehab.  

I'm in my apartment.  I have Billy right next to the fiberoptic Christmas tree I run all year.  It is a pretty nightlight.  My daughter hung all his hats on the wall above the little tree.  Will never forget his "Do you like my hat?" and he was not teasing.  He liked straw hats and those Australian looking outback hats.  Scott said "this seems more homey than the other place."  So did my daughter and granddaughter.  Now I have to go back and clean up the other one.  Lease is not up till the 30th and I'm tired y'all.  

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I think the Xanax makes me have dream amnesia.  I can remember dreaming while I am in a dream and thinking I am going to remember it.  I don't.  But I do wake up most nearly every morning thinking someone is in bed with me, nothing sensual, just a moment of memory, then I sit up and it is gone.  Kinda wish they would stay awhile.  One thing Billy hated, and I learned early-on, not to mention a fellow being nice looking.  Now I say it all the time, and I think Billy probably laughs.  Yeah, my youngest grandson is 34, my only grandson, and he is so handsome, just wish we could get him into rehab.  

I'm in my apartment.  I have Billy right next to the fiberoptic Christmas tree I run all year.  It is a pretty nightlight.  My daughter hung all his hats on the wall above the little tree.  Will never forget his "Do you like my hat?" and he was not teasing.  He liked straw hats and those Australian looking outback hats.  Scott said "this seems more homey than the other place."  So did my daughter and granddaughter.  Now I have to go back and clean up the other one.  Lease is not up till the 30th and I'm tired y'all.  

Marg:  You are all moved plus you have your Christmas Decorations up.  I'm so impressed! 

Dee

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