Grief removes all guard rails

[Gwenivere]

Marg said she has that tree up all year.  Best way to win the race!   

Ah, those humdrum dreams of our previous lives.  How we didn’t know just how special they’d become.  I think about Upsets and oh, how I’d love to have those back.  Heard a good line in a movie last night from a guy whose family had been killed and someone said to him......I know you are upset.  The guy said.....'I got upset about flat tires, rush hour traffic, my sports team losing.  What does that tell you about how I feel now?'

That is a great answer.  

I'll never get used to the upset of waking up alone.  

[kayc]

Wow, Marg!  I will probably die in my place because moving seems so daunting and here you've done it again!  If I ever do move I'll probably take what I want and hire someone to come in and rid my place of everything else.  42 years of living here and everyone went off and left their stuff here for me to deal with.  Ugh.

And you have your Christmas decorations up too!!!

Last night I dreamed someone burglarized me/home invasion, Arlie wasn't here to warn or protect me.  Life sucks sometimes, been up since 3:30 after that.

[Margm]

About 16 years ago we moved to the Mount Ida house.  I thought I was too old then.  I was just a young chick.  This time I hurt all over.  And the guys had the things out of the apartment into this one less than half a mile away in less than an hour probably.  The work was in the packing.  Apartments are not for everybody.  The boxes are all piled in my room.  Boxes of memories.  Boxes of memories I did not want to face, or look at either.  Just put off the obvious, so many boxes, I can hardly make up the bed.  Just boxes of memories that someone else will have to deal with............and as much as I hurt this morning, (physically and mentally) still cannot go through them.  Four years later I am pushed into a corner literally, have to deal with them.  

[kayc]

I know, Marg.  This place is haunted with memories, everywhere I look.  I have large plastic tubs full of pictures i can't bear to look at.  A huge steel/wood cabinet full of George and my sentiments.  An old chest full of memories from earlier days.  Can't open any of them.  A shop that has been ransacked and then the mice took over.  I killed the mice but can't bear to go through it all and clean it out.  Why is everything so painful?  I daresay it'll be easier for the kids to dispose of everything than me, they don't have the associations with it.

[Margm]

Kay, as I have mentioned so many times, both of my kids suffer from bipolar.  Billy had faults, but he loved his children and grandchildren like no man I was associated with, and by that I mean my dad and uncles and grandfathers and even friends.  He was the "go to" person for them all.  No task turned down unless it was an impossibility.  Their grief is palpable and they express it in different ways.  Scott feels wrong wearing Billy's coats, etc.  Kelli feels left out if she is not provided whatever part of his belongings that she wants.  After he left I put everything in boxes and she honored my actions.  But, she wants so much of his things I am finally ready.  I have to tell myself, Billy will never wear  them, he will not fish with the flies he has tied, and neither will I.  There is the old story of "The Dog in the Manger" and I have been that person.  Billy and I never have been rich.  But she wants to make a shadow box with his flies and Billy cannot use them.  I have been so selfish.  They miss their dad, in their own way, as much as I do.  They keep close to me and I could not have moved without them.  They seemed burdens early on, and sometimes they are, but now they don't only take, they help.  My son is here every football game.  He watches TV with us.  His sister moved from across  the hall and he is lonesome.  She moves so easily and often, she will be back over close as soon as she can find a place.  They need each other.  My sister is literally around the turn of the apartments, I am apartment #105, she is #210.  It was scary moving things after dark (small necessities) and I mentioned the lack of lighting (there are motion lights that were not working) and last night we had lights.  My washer and dryer are working very often.  Water is paid for here, but not electricity, and I pay more than the other apartment, but it is a place to live in comfort. And, I tend to do the things Billy would not do.  He would never have lived in an apartment and my little car, his 6'3" frame would have been his biggest dislike.  He was a truck man.  I got tired of crawling up to the cab.

I keep hoping both will find partners that will make them happy, but I hoped that for my sister also.  Both have been "burned" and like my sister, do not want to get close  to the flames.  I know when I am gone that I will not care, but while I'm here I do care.   

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have been so selfish.  They miss their dad, in their own way, as much as I do.  They keep close to me and I could not have moved without them. 

They seemed burdens early on, and sometimes they are, but now they don't only take, they help.  My son is here every football game.  He watches TV with us.  His sister moved from across  the hall and he is lonesome.  My sister is literally around the turn of the apartments, I am apartment #105, she is #210.

Water is paid for here, but not electricity, and I pay more than the other apartment, but it is a place to live in comfort. And, I tend to do the things Billy would not do. 

I know when I am gone that I will not care, but while I'm here I do care.   

Marg:   You are a good Mom who loves her children in their own way they need to be loved.  They definitely love you or they wouldn't be there helping you move or watching a football game with you.  It sounds wonderful that you are surrounded by family in a comfortable apartment.

Billy knew you'd be there watching over your kids after he had to leave you all.   Get some rest and enjoy your new apartment.  Dee 

 

[Gwenivere]

Marg deserves some extra spoiling right now.  Here ya go.........🌹🦋🌷🌸🌈

[Margm]

Ah girls, you are so sweet.  Listen y'all, it was so easy to move the RV.  Even 3-1/2 years in the other apartment, I collected so much junk.  When I moved out of the house, the reason they tell you not to do anything for awhile is because there really is something called "widow's brain" for the men also.  All I can remember is the man running around picking up things that were not even offered.  My son was with me then and he was in shock too.  I settled down for awhile and this move I am doing now is tiring, painful, but that is physical.  Something I have come to terms with.  All those boxes I have not unpacked, moving opened up my closed mind.  I have boxes of pictures and boxes of Billy's hobbies, some clothes.  I cannot take these things with me.  My kids want to make shadow boxes with the flies he tied.  I know  they will enjoy the pictures we have not looked at in years and they can have what they want.  Also found our old movie films (videos), not sure what you call them.  I will have one of the stores make them into CD's, but know I'm not ready to see them.  I was still selfish with one thing.  For our last adventure, and even at our age we had plans for more RVing. I had ordered a stainless steel percolator from Amazon, this for times we would "boondock" without power for the RV.  I don't know why, but other than my ring, I think it is my prized possession (just an inanimate object.)  It is some sort of letting go.  This move has shown me you definitely cannot take it with you, and we have nothing of monetary value anyhow.  I had hovered over the house generator because my brother-in-law had given it to Billy in case we ran out of power and needed a generator.  He bought it for him, then we lost Billy's brother, and I cared deeply for him.  He was 11 years older than Billy and was like a father and grandfather to Billy and our kids.  Now tell me, in reality, what am I going to do with a large generator?  I gave it to the movers.  They wanted it, I gave it and have not regretted it.  I have a washer and dryer (and probably in six months will have the flood of clothes we have near drowned in, we will be caught up.  Lots of comforters to wash.  

I do feel like I have crossed some unseen place in time and possibly have come out on the other side.  No happier, but not as weighted down either.  (Just part of my word salad, my body is still weighted down.) 

All that talk above and the fact is that I have to do a lot more work.  I worked for 43 years and was very good at my job.  I don't like anything connected with "work" of any kind anymore.  But, granddaughter is decorating, so is my daughter, and I am letting them.  

A lot of words about nothing.  My kids spent today with me cleaning the apartment.  We have to clean the refrigerator now and clear the pantry out.  I have to the 30th and my most persistent fault has always been procrastinating............and I type too much.

[KarenK]

Marg,

Reference to your old films made me think of the box of films I have here up in a closet. I believe they are 8mm and 16mm. I still have the projector and screen also, just have never bothered to view them in 40 years. Don't know if they are still viable as those things fade out over time. I remember one Ron took of Evil Knievel at Beeline Dragway. He fell backwards over a fence and got a nice view of the sky.  lol  I even have a couple of me as a baby in Houston. Now, those are really old! Might be fun to set everything up and watch them, but doubt I know how to thread and run the projector.

Thought we might move a couple of years ago, but that possibility faded away. I sold half my Kachinas and Madame Alexander dolls along with one display cabinet, 400 DVD's, most of Ron's guns and collectibles and a huge gun safe to start downsizing and because we needed the money. That didn't even make a minute dent in all the stuff around here. I look at what is left now and think "Why did we waste all that money on these things?" In reality, it all means very little now and will mean nothing at all when I'm gone. I'm sure I'd die before I got it all packed and moved anyway. I am proud of you for setting your mind to it and getting it done.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

I look at what is left now and think "Why did we waste all that money on these things?" In reality, it all means very little now and will mean nothing at all when I'm gone.

Me too, Karen, me too.

[Gwenivere]

To follow your referencing Karen,  at the time things we accumulated were not all wastes.  I know at is why they are so dismaying to see now  as they were once things we used.  Now much just sits with no purpose.  Adds to how I feel inside.  

I notice it all the time when I go shopping, especially groceries.  It’s like black and white now.  So little is what I bought before when meals and snacking were shared.  I so rarely use the oven or burners.  Everything I buy is precooked now.  My diet has suffered for it too.  Steve drank Mountain Dew like water so I was always chasing the sales. Things to BBQ, bake, broil.  Always a side and veggies.  Now I buy premade sides like Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and divide them for 2 meals adding some canned chicken or peas.  Bagels, bread and peanut butter are my biggest stock.  Frozen dinners too. Even take out that was a treat is a 3 times a week thing now.  Haven’t been to a restaurant since before he left.  Rereading this paragraph is so pathetic.  Food has become so lonely.

We don’t have any videos.  We had a recorder at one time but it didn’t stick.  Albums have been abandoned years ago of real pictures.  The world has gone so digital.  It’s a huge deal getting actual photographs now.  It’s all on phones now to send people.  Everything I have taken a picture of is on my iPad.  I can take videos on it too.  It’s all so lonely too having no family now to share anything with.  

I was in the ER again yesterday.  Long gone are the days they could fix me.  Aside from why I was there, the attending doc told me a lot of my pain is probably perifiral nerve damage that could be permanent.  The dreaded back surgery was a possibility to find out.  The one that takes up to a year to recover from and brings even more limited range of motion.  This led back to the ever present why.   So I can be here alone and do even less?  It’s coming to that anyway.  

Off to another day to try and wait out the hours to go back to sleep.  It’s nasty with rain and cold.   Trying to think of somewhere to go as not leaving the house is very bad for my mind.  I get to make some phone calls.  Mostly medical.  One to my cold shrink.  My new social network.   Just warched the new Aladdin movie with Will Smith which is great for feel good when you are in it.  He was the most powerful being on earth, but couldn’t bring back the dead.  That line caught my attention when he was telling Aladdin the wish rules.  Would have just slipped by pre widowhood.  

Babble over.

[KarenK]

Oh Gwen,

It just breaks my heart that no one can find a solution to your pain. I suppose they could give you stronger pain meds, but that would just zombie you out to where you couldn't even drive or function as well as you do.

Before the guys moved in with me, I also ate a lot of Stouffers and take out. I'd sometimes make a casserole and put little containers in the freezer. I haven't found a fast food burger that I like so just made my own and froze them.

I already disliked the new bottom denture I got(feels like you have a wad of plastic in your mouth), so now I have a top one to contend with also. A few weeks ago my handcrafted top front tooth bit the dust. My dentist had made it for me and it lasted for years, but it decided to break off at the gum, so he ordered a denture for that and missing teeth. Had the rest of it pulled today and it hurts like an SOB. Like you, I'm so tired of things falling apart, but I just grit my teeth(the few I have left) and remember the day poor Ron had 13 teeth pulled, a power port and feeding tube put in and I think "What am I complaining about".

We're supposed to get rain for the next 3 days, a rarity around here. We'll probably get a drop a day.  lol

[mlg]

Gwen

I have a friend that sounds a lot like you. She was in constant pain and worked as a nurse so on her feet a lot. She has had so many procedures to try to control the pain I probably couldn't count them. Several months ago the put in an interthecal pain pump and she said it is the first time in a LONG time her pain is pretty much controlled. You might ask if that is something that would help you.  I'm really not sure which type of Dr put it in but if you need more info about it I could ask her.

Also when you talked about Alladin have you thought about getting Disney+?  It is 6.99/mo and has 5 different programs you can go in to. It has the old Disney movies but also new ones not in the theater. If things like that can soothe you it would be well worth trying and if you don't like it, cancel it.

Can totally understand the eating thing.  It had been several years after Tom died that I went to KFC and had to literally make myself sit there and finish my meal. Hated EVERY second of it. The only place I can sit and eat by myself is Panera and I think that is because when I used to go shopping that is where I would go..  At home we always ate at the table and now unless someone is here I never eat at the table. Only time we would eat in front of the TV was during the NCAA basketball tournament games and now I eat there almost every night.  I have to say that I got an airfryer  oven for christmas and it has been great because it is small so when I put food in it doesn't look lost and it is moist and tender.  It took me 7 years to really want to cook again. I still wish someone else would clean up the mess.

I hope you find some help before long.

[Johnny]

On 11/16/2019 at 3:34 AM, Gwenivere said:

I'll never get used to the upset of waking up alone.  

For a finite time, each day while we sleep, there is a brief reprieve from the pain of such devastating loss.

But, at the very moment of waking, there is the instant realization,  the one we love is gone.

It is so very difficult to find hope some days.♥️

[kayc]

Gwen, do you know what caused the damage to your nerves?  My sister's journey following her fall and subsequent crushed vertebrae (three in all, very severe damage) took a full year of recovery, hospitalization, rehab facility, and her husband there to take care of her the whole time.  I don't know what they expect us without husbands to do.  But perhaps like Mary Linda suggested, a pain pump might bring you some much needed relief?  

I read your list of foods, gosh I'd be even blimpier than I am if I ate that...for in spite of what they say, it's not just calories, it's the types of food, I have to eat low carb, being Diabetic, and even then would not say it's under control.     The future can seem frightening, so much out of our control.

Including the threat of snow in the imminent future...starting Monday.  Ugh.  This is the time of year I wish I could go to AZ for the winter! But I'd be worried about what's going on here with my home I'm afraid.  The storm last year made quite an impression.

Johnny, unfortunately the sleep is too brief, I've been waking up at 3 am all week, can't go back to sleep.  

 

[Johnny]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

The future can seem frightening, so much out of our control.

You are right. Since Rene'e died, I have not felt as if I have been in control of anything. All I feel I have left is loneliness until the bitter end. I just don't get it. Aren't we deserving of happiness just as much as others we see all around us? My God, why does it have to hurt so much and why isn't there any happiness left.

Nobody wants to have to live out the rest of their lives alone.

If we can't even find peace in sleep, what else is there out there for us?

After all, we are still alive and in the world. Dammit, it's just not right.

We are good caring and loving people.

[kayc]

No answers...this is my life now.  It's a struggle to maintain positive stance but I continue to try.

[Gwenivere]

Kay, same as your sister, spinal problems with the vertebrae and discs orvlack of some.  Bone spurs also.  I’m scared to death about surgery and the horrendously long recovery and loss of independence during it.  I’m not one for strangers in my house or taking me places.  So it’s fear and anger towards the universe for taking Steve away from me when I really need him.  It feels so unfair I was there for all his needs for years and it’s my turn now.  My life Life has become a series of revolving doors.  I go thru one to find another and another not really getting anywhere.  Also fighting thyroid and tooth problems.  As.per usual now, I’ve made at least 5 calls for appointments and shuffling conflicts.  I’m hoping seeing my grief counselor helps today if I can get any words out in the crying from utter frustration. 

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m scared to death about surgery and the horrendously long recovery and loss of independence during it.  I’m not one for strangers in my house or taking me places.  So it’s fear and anger towards the universe for taking Steve away from me when I really need him. 

My life Life has become a series of revolving doors.  I go thru one to find another and another not really getting anywhere.  

I’m hoping seeing my grief counselor helps today if I can get any words out in the crying from utter frustration. 

Gwen:  I totally feel your anger towards the universe for taking Steve away.  He and you were  so young to have had to suffer through a long illness and then to have him leave.   Your fear of surgery is understandable.  I wish there were some magic words I could find to help ease your fears and anger.

And yes, that revolving door can be so exhausting.  Hope your grief counselor was able to provide some comfort for you today.  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Dee.  The session helped.  I got thru going to 2 grocery stores for sales amid the early Thanksgiving shoppers and special displays for baking and roasting.  Hearing conversations on phones about total headcount for the dinner table.  Children zipping by in glee  asking if they could help make goodies.  I saw pumpkin ice cream at Safeway I used to buy for fun.  Peppermint for Steve at Xmas. My counselor told me a store I rarely go to is open Thanksgiving and has a buffet of all traditional food she goes to as she is alone.  I might try it as I hate for the day to just be another Thursday and volunteering will be cancelled.  I’m not really that much into food, but this would beat fast food or something from the freezer.  Will miss the candles, cloth linens and charming man I used to dine with tho.  💔

[widow'15]

On 11/20/2019 at 7:37 PM, Gwenivere said:

Thank you, Dee.  The session helped.  I got thru going to 2 grocery stores for sales amid the early Thanksgiving shoppers and special displays for baking and roasting.  Hearing conversations on phones about total headcount for the dinner table.  Children zipping by in glee  asking if they could help make goodies.  I saw pumpkin ice cream at Safeway I used to buy for fun.  Peppermint for Steve at Xmas. My counselor told me a store I rarely go to is open Thanksgiving and has a buffet of all traditional food she goes to as she is alone.  I might try it as I hate for the day to just be another Thursday and volunteering will be cancelled.  I’m not really that much into food, but this would beat fast food or something from the freezer.  Will miss the candles, cloth linens and charming man I used to dine with tho.  💔

Gwen:  The buffet sounds wonderful.  I have seen many options where a meal can be picked up and brought home and might consider that for me if I don't get ambitious and cook the little turkey breast I purchased last shopping outing.  Hmmm, pumpkin ice cream sounds inviting.

I keep telling myself, "It is just another DAY" to get through without my husband here.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

But it isn’t just another day, is it, Dee?  Holidays have such significance if we celebrated them with someone, no matter how big or small.  So next Thursday won’t be just another Thursday.  My goal is to try and not smother thinking of all the people I know at their respective gatherings.  Just having a better dinner and toast to my beloved.  Might even cry into my potatoes.  

I have candles in my fireplace I light every night.  We started them for our mothers, taken furry kids and now one is for Steve.  For some reason I forgot to light them one night and the room was so cold.  That glow gives me a feeling of warmth I can’t get for real anymore.  But it helps a bit as flames look almost alive with their dancing.   Can’t hug a candle tho!  🙂

[Widowedbysuicide]

I love the candle idea.  I will have to try it, thank you.

[kayc]

Alas I can't put anything in my wood stove but paper (no ink, etc on it) and wood.  Use it for heating only.  I wish I could tell myself it's only another Thursday because for me that's all it will be, no one to share in it with.  I wish I'd thought to buy a turkey breast but I thought I could go to the Methodist Church since they put on a noon dinner...that was before I knew it was going to snow on TG and all days leading up to it.  I'll be home.  Maybe there'll be something on t.v.?  Otherwise I'll read.  My sister bought me "The Art of Racing in the Rain" (a dog's narrative) hoping it'd heal with my loss of Arlie.  Don't think it's helping that any as it just makes me miss him more but it's a good read.

[Gwenivere]

You still have a week, Kay.  Can you get some turkey to make it somewhat traditional?  Heck, even a Hungry Man dinner would be a twisted little way.  🙂  

this all reminds me to stop by the grocery that supposedly will have the buffet and make sure.  I get stuck tho.  Do I want the reminder with the food or would it be better to know it is Thanksgiving and eat something non traditional as we had done that when we were vagabond newlyweds.  One year we had fondue when that was the rage.  

No metter what we do, it’s going to be a lonely day for many of us without family or close friends.  Or not having the energy to attend invites.  For some reason happy people don’t like depressed people at jovial dinners.  Go figure.  I know I wouldn’t.  This loss of ours so changes every way we interact with the world.