Grief removes all guard rails

[widow'15]

Yes Gwen, "what a mess" - you need a couple of good night's sleep to rest up for Monday and the rest of next week.  Take care.  Dee

[kayc]

Gwen,

Yes, if you can postpone the dentist and mete out the essential stuff, do that...I wish they could come up with an answer for your legs, don't like hearing it's so angry looking.  And the techs can practice on someone else, you don't need that!

[Gwenivere]

I’m getting so close to a breaking point that I emailed my doc about the last 3 months about all the messages I have sent since September.  I also said the toll this is taking mentally is from the physical.  So lay off telling me to treat my depression by calling my therapist.  I’m not looking for pain pills either.  My brain is fogged enough as it is, plus that doesn’t solve it.  If only they could spend a couple days like I do, they would get it.  I wish I could make that happen.   I ended it saying if you can’t help me, please direct to someone who can.  I noticed how cognically compromised I am getting, it’s very unsettling.  Thanks to everyone.

[kayc]

I hope you get some satisfactory response.  

[Margm]

Gwen I "fired" my family practice doc two years ago.  Her antidepressant (I only took 1) but old folks cannot take some things the younger ones can.  Nurse called me to come have bone density test and I said "I'm firing her, she nearly killed me" and nurse/receptionist thought I was being funny.  They called again for annual checkup and I told them again, I no longer see that doctor.  I'll be darn if a recorded message didn't call this year for annual checkup.  I  just hung up.  

[kayc]

The antidepressant affected your bone density?

Have you found a new PCP?

[Margm]

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

The antidepressant affected your bone density

No, after the one pill my temperature went very high and my bones and muscles could hardly move.  I took the only thing I'm allowed to take (Tylenol), it was about 4:00 a.m., I figured I was semi-alone, no need to wake up Bri, lay back down, figured I was dying anyhow, and didn't care,  went to sleep and was fine in the morning.  Did not take any more pills (I had asked her not to give me an antidepressant,, I knew I was depressed, but it was situational depression a pill would not cure.  (I used to believe a pill would cure anything).  It was a new antidepressant and I saw it advertised on TV. It said if anyone had that symptom to go to ER immediately.  Sometimes you cannot give pills to cure the word "elderly." 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Marg M said:

I knew I was depressed, but it was situational depression a pill would not cure.  (I used to believe a pill would cure anything).  It was a new antidepressant and I saw it advertised on TV. It said if anyone had that symptom to go to ER immediately.  Sometimes you cannot give pills to cure the word "elderly." 

Oh Marg!  Can I ever relate to that!  Every time I call in or write some of my docs, that is the first thing they go to.  And my shrink?  Really pushing for that.  Now, I’ll admit there is a teeny tiny chance upping mine would help a little, but would add more side effects to adjust.  However, I am in the midst of emotional hell months, unresolved medical issues and constantly in pain.  I’d say those were pretty good reasons to be depressed.  Why aren’t we allowed to be depressed when it is a normal reaction?  It gets pointed out to me that is has been going on so long it must be more than that, changes in my brain.  I agree.  When my life was upended and emptied of everything I knew it did change a lot of how I process things now.  They say it will help me possibly cope better.  That I’m not taking enough, like this pill is going to make everything alright.  I could see that for someone, like when I started it, that had this hit out of the blue or from much minor triggers.  I know they are trying to help, but sometimes that gets misplaced.  My counselors and I have talked it thru.  The pros and cons.  Their feeling is I am reacting 'normally' to some very normal extreme circumstances.  My therapist said if you can ask the question- am I going crazy?, you’re not.  Still, I wonder tho.  

[kevin]

After reading all the "medical" posts I can relate to some of the frustrations......I haven't been to the Doctor for a few months so decided to get all the tests re done,,,,,,I have high glucose, and hi cholesterol....I accepted the Type 2 verdict but swear to diet and walk it off ......I have equipment/strips and monitors to measure BP and sugar......My goal is to be normal again by spring......And the crazy thing is, I haven't felt better in at least three years...Wish everyone the best...

[Gwenivere]

If I’m reading this right, Kevin, you feel better despite what the tests and docs say?

[kayc]

Kevin, I sent you an invite to a diabetic group, wishing you the best, there's enough information on there to get you on track, George is very knowledgeable about Diabetes, he's made it his cause since his wife died from it.  Good luck!  

[kevin]

Gwen, exactly......I know I need to drop some weight, and I'm committed to that...only so much spinach a person can eat....I have the energy, at gym 5 days a week, engaged with a couple of senior groups.....key is to reduce weight by 7-10% ....Kay, thanks for the message

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

George is very knowledgeable about Diabetes, he's made it his cause since his wife died from it.  Good luck!  

Are you talking our George?  I haven’t heard anything from him privately, he hasn’t posted and checking just now - hasn’t been here since last Sunday.  I’m hoping he’s OK, but that isn’t usual he doesn’t look in.   No way to contact him.  I’m concerned because of the heart surgery.  

[Gwenivere]

We are on opposite ends of he spectrum, Kevin.  All my meds are sending me in the 'right' direction, but I’ve never felt worse.  Really nice pics of the family.  At least you got some outside lights installed.  I’m guessing you all spend more time inside in the winter anyway. 🥶

[kevin]

Oh yes, my outside time is limited to driveway, and very short walks( sliding with grandkids).....not in communications with George but will follow up Kay C message....I'm a definite Keto/low carb guy now...Very few Beers(killing me)

[Gwenivere]

🍺🍻🍺🍻🍺🍻🍺

Poor guy.  

[kayc]

12 hours ago, kevin said:

Very few Beers(killing me

I had to smile at this!  I'm not a drinker but need to make a drastic change and intend to start in January, I've got to do something to get my BS down.  

Gwen,

You can message George and I'm sure he'll get notification.  Learning to live with something like this is a challenge, esp. since we all know medications come with side effects or challenges of their own, but you know George, he researches everything and I'm sure he'll be okay as he figures everything out.  We all know the real challenge of getting doctors to listen!

[Gwenivere]

My concern is he hasn’t checked in for a week.  I don’t have a personal address for him.  If something happened t him, I don’t know hw we would ever know.  But I’ll try here.

[Gwenivere]

TI was recently reminded by our dear Feralfae about losing our mothers.  I tie this in here in this regard as they were so significant ( I hope for everyone) at being the one that taught us unconditional love.  What to search for in a world that has so many paths leading to compromises, being used, instant gratification that always expires and how easy the word love is to toss around.  

My mothers birthday is Christmas Eve.  We always toasted her.  Same for Steve’s mom on her bday.  Well, I acknowledged it, he drank a glass of her favorite scotch.    

This year is especially hard without Steve and now she has come to mind.  She was the one that made me a certified Christmas elf.  Steve’s family did little more than gifts, basic tree and dinner.  I showed him lights, tree themes that became us (all special ornaments) and we did lots of donations of food and clothing.  We watched A Christmas Carol or Scroged every eve by candlelight and light angel chimes.  I look up from writing this and see only shadows of that now.  I couldn’t carry it on without him after I tried a couple of times.  I didn’t want to hang his ornaments as that was personal selection for place.  We couldn’t share where we placed the engraved ones and seeing the one of 2 angels with our names was too heartbreaking.  So my home feels a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge's bedroom.  He became an elf too.  I miss that big man/child elf.  Child in his excitement he came to know and man for the tough jobs and installing whatever tech thing that was the rage to be installed.  I remember the year TIVO was a gift and I had my doubts til he installed it and wow!  I was DVR hooked.  He would upgrade my monitors or keyboards fir something cool.  And he would give me a set of pearls or something so personal that he would research the best ones.  

I tried to ignore the holiday, but that is impossible.  So I’m doing little things as I can, going to try and get a 'home cooked' buffet meal instead of fast food and light my usual fireplace candles.  I’ll get thru but I think the tears will well up more this time.  I feel them all the time including right now so I better stop as I have to get Ally to the vet and grab some dinner while navigating the dark and the downpour we are having.   Be grateful for having a home to come to.  Housekeeper is here so fresh bed and less dog hair.  You take what you can get.  

I will always miss the 2 people that made the holidays and my life so special.  I wish I could feel that again, but I don’t think Santa can deliver that as I’ve asked for years.  Is this a testament of strength?  No.  It is dealing with what I have been dealt and holding off despair that it will ever become something that doesn’t color me every day.  

Because of 2 very soecial people I can say I love this family and truly mean it.  That was their gifts to me.  All your losses contained gifts but that is hard to see often.  Gifts aren’t supposed to hurt.  💔

 

 

 

[kayc]

I love your (Steve's) tradition of toasting your mom.  You are doing what you can, what else can we do.  I won't know until Mon. morning whether I can travel to my son's have to wait and see how much snow I get or what the up to date predictions are.  I've learned to take things a day at a time.  I don't want to disappoint my son but can only do what I feel safe doing.  His mother is getting older.

[Gwenivere]

I haven’t listened to Steve’s music in years, until today.  He made me a CD for my car with my favorite songs and there are some he recorded.  I was going to skip it but didn’t.  Oh my gawd!  That voice and his guitar playing made me melt as it always did.  I replayed the song several times, tears running down my face yet my heart burning as it always did when he sang.  I wish I could put it here.  I’ll have to ask his buddy if he can make me a file.  This particular one is called Baggage Claim about intense passion.  For a folk kinda guy, this was my kind of stuff he did.  I haven’t decided if this was a good thing to hear yet.  

[brat#2]

Wow, Gwen, I'm sure that hurt, but glad you were able to do it.  You are braver than me, I don't have anything that Dale did, but I still can't listen to the music he and I loved and listened to all the time yet.  Sending hugs

 

[Gwenivere]

The jury is leaning heavy to it was best if I would have skipped listening.  The other artists were OK and I can leave them behind.   I knew how intense music is emotionally and why I have been keeping special stuff unheard yet and now I can’t undo it.  It was the wrong time with the holidays.  

[kayc]

George and I had many "our songs" from our courtship...my son made a wedding CD for us of them.  I listened to all of George's music after he died, but OMG how exhausting/painful it was to do so!  Eventually I left them untouched as the pain it evokes is so great.  That was from a different time in my life.  A time when love and joy was mine!  I honestly can't bear to listen to them anymore.  When I hear one of those songs, the pain nearly stops my heart from beating.

[Gwenivere]

Well, Kay, doofus me did it again.  Came across another track nestled in (as I was liking the songs I hadn’t heard in years and wondering why I picked some of them) and didn’t skip it.  Now it’s stuck in my head as I heard this one more often when he was here PLUS he put the recording artist as 'yo sweet daddy'.  I’m kicking myself today!  No more. This one didn’t have the passion seductive voice, it had the sweet melodious one that was amazing.  What I heard almost on a daily basis.  If not that, his guitar playing and he had  an unmistakable style.  No more.  I sat in the driveway and sobbed the kind you can’t even talk.  I can’t take it....yet.

my counselor thought it was good I listened the first time, she doesn’t know yet about the breakdown last night.  I know exposure works for phobias and such, but this is different.  I’m exposed every day to reminders, from dawn til bedtime.  

back to the radio down low or nothing.  😓