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Gwenivere

Grief removes all guard rails

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20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee reminded me that I haven’t posted.  There is a good reason beyond being sick, frustrated and having my body put thru the drug and test mill.  

I have felt that my lungs would 'do me in'.  Seems that time is coming sooner than I expected.  I talked with the floor doc and the pulmonologist.  They are not sure they can get me independent from 24/7 oxygen.

I’m trying to figure out how one stays sane in this situation and in such deep grief revived by being so alone.  I’m paying people to care for my dogs.  I need to pay for work in the yard.  I sit in this bed all day, try and sleep being woken up countless times.  If the fluid around my  lungs doesn’t go away, they are want to cut my side open.  I can turn down anything, but I want to see my home, my kids.  I can’t imagine not seeing or touching them again.  I wonder if they miss me?  Think about me.  Things are so very changed this time.  There’s so much time to think very dark, not mattering to someone who deeply loves you.  

I hope you know how much I treasure all of you.  For a time, I matter.  💖

Gwen:  I can't begin to have an answer how anyone stays sane in your situation -- feeling so poorly and feeling totally alone.  Of course your fur babies are missing you -- you are a good Mom to have someone to care for them while you can concentrate on solving your health issues.   Is there no other way to remove the fluid around the lungs without surgery ?  I don't have any medical knowledge I can share but I can tell you please don't worry about your yard at the moment, it can wait and it shouldn't add to your stress or keep you awake worrying about it. 

As you can read everyone's remarks here, you do matter to us.  Keeping good thoughts for you and maybe tomorrow will be a better day and you'll soon be home where you want to be.  Dee

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22 hours ago, KarenK said:

I know you are horribly depressed, but I also know you have a strong will to live even if you do not feel it. You want to get back home and take care of your fur babies and your home. You can bet they miss you and wonder where you are. You are their Mom!

I think the hardest part of this is knowing your mind is compromised so it gets frustrating trying to take in all is thrown at you.   After again finding out how weak I am, my pulmonologist came by and reiterated this lung condition won’t get better, the most they can do is try and manage it til it can’t be.  I don’t feel a strong will to keep going.  The woman that arranged my dogs care and brought me some things I needed think about preparing for the future.  She’s not wrong, but she always picks times that are the worst, like now.   She wants me to think about plans for rehoming my young dog.  She would take my eldest.  I finally said STOP!  One crisis at a time.  She then shows me pictures of my babies the sitter took and I stated crying.  I can’t leave here.  I’d drop from oxygen deprivation.  I don’t understand people like that.  Seeing someone go into distress and keep talking.  I so desperately want to be with them.  In my home, my bed.  People here thought it was so nice I had a visitor.  I just smiled and said yah.  

Later update.....wrote her an email while reacting very badly to a new drug.  I was so despondent that I had to confront her about stealing my kids as motivation to fight.  Not as sources of worry.  I asked her how she would feel if someone suggested she give up her kids she loves and raised so easily?  I generously showered it with my true appreciation for all she has done.  I’m sure I made her defensive and apologized about that too.  I reminded her she and I put a plan in place already and I had already thought about that situation many, many times.  But......this isn’t the time not being mentally and emotionally compromised.  I need to envision my girls sleeping peacefully on their pillows or the couch.  That is my only strong will right now.  

I use a lot of bandwidth on this. I love you all for my sanity.  ❤️

Gwen

 

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Gwen,

You are right that this is not the time to be confronted with this, I can't imagine what she was thinking. Are you considering the surgery? Seems to me you need your dogs as much as they need you.  I want so much for you to be able to come home.  

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I don’t know what surgery you mean, Kay.  They have talked about a lung scope and possibly chest tube if fluid keeps building.  I probably confused you.  

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15 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Is there no other way to remove the fluid around the lungs without surgery ? 

Maybe this is where I got it.  

I hope you get some relief soon.  I've had pneumonia, I didn't care if I lived or died when I had it, it was that bad, but I was younger then, still in my 30s, these hits are harder the older we get and especially if we're alone.  You are in my prayers, dear Gwen, doesn't matter if you believe or not, someone in the Bible said, "help thou my unbelief" so I think there's wiggle-room for that.  I am struck by how caring you are for everyone else, even in the midst of your own suffering.  And I pray for your girls to not be scared.  I want you to be able to come home to them.

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On 1/10/2020 at 2:53 AM, Gwenivere said:

 If the fluid around my  lungs doesn’t go away, they are want to cut my side open.

Brianna was in Children's Hospital in Little Rock at about 3-4 years old.  She had pneumonia and fluid on her lungs.  They had to do some type of surgery to drain the fluid, so maybe this is what you meant about the cutting.  You might not require as much oxygen if they get the fluid off your lungs.  Gwen, I know your feelings about faith, but do know churches that have outreach programs that will not be as intrusive as your neighbor seems to be.  Perhaps, if you talk to the chaplain again you might ask him.  Anything to take your worry about the outside the hospital things and then you can put all your attention on the "inside the hospital" and getting you back home.  I know how hard it is to ask for help, but sometimes we do have to ask because no one knows the situation until you do.  There are really good people out there willing to help, but they need to know when someone needs help.  If you feel your neighbor is callus, maybe a stranger would be less cold-hearted seeming.  If I was 2300 miles closer, you would not have to ask anyone.  

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I feel the same too, Marg.  If only no snow and a lot of miles closer.  :(

 

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

I hope you get some relief soon.  I've had pneumonia, I didn't care if I lived or died when I had it, it was that bad, but I was younger then, still in my 30s, these hits are harder the older we get and especially if we're alone.  You are in my prayers, dear Gwen, doesn't matter if you believe or not, someone in the Bible said, "help thou my unbelief" so I think there's wiggle-room for that.  I am struck by how caring you are for everyone else, even in the midst of your own suffering.  And I pray for your girls to not be scared.  I want you to be able to come home to them.

I have never turned down prayers, Kay.  Just because I don’t have that faith doesn’t mean I want to be left out if it exists.  Yup, there is endless room for all possibilities.  

The 1st time I had pneumonia I was 25, I think.  Sure recovered much easier.  An X-ray at the ER, two cycles of antibiotics and I was good to go.  Even kept smoking. Not admitted either.  Youth.  Sure don’t like living in these aging bodies.  Maybe extending life so long wasn’t the wisest idea.  40 was considered old hundreds of years ago.  If I I were one with those blessed great genes I’d be humming a different tune.  The other need would be Steve was too.  It always hits me that I am older than him now.  No more 4 year gap.

I care about everyone here so much.  I thought it was only the grief that would be addressed, but there is humor and sharing of so many things.  We know about each other’s laundry!  We’ve shared our personal lives and propped each other up.  It’s so amazing the love here.

i don’t think my girls are scared.  Bored mostly, tho the sitter is going to stay in my house til next week.  Geez......she could look in my closets and drawers and find all my quirkinesses.  Oh well, I’ve never apologized for being a tad off. 🤪

I’ve seen you and others step up in their times of distress.  It’s what family does for each other.

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I was perusing an article in the AARP newspaper which said that some scientists have determined that loneliness is now a disease which causes all sorts of maladies, both mental and physical. Duh! What was their first clue? I sure was in better health before Ron died. I probably took better care of myself. I had a reason to. My mental and physical energy have been zapped. Most days, my attitude is "Why bother". I don't think there is an instant fix for this "new" disease.

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I’ve heard the same too, Karen.  TIME and Psychology Today even ran articles about it.  It changes the nerve impulses in the brain and can become life threatening as far as willing to live.  Physically, too, as lonely people are more prone to maladies.  ER's had back up evidence of this interviewing people they found were living in solitude. Isolation by force is being outlawed as a form of torture.  Many of us know this already.  'Why bother?' Is how I feel not just waking, but all day.  We all know what the only fix would be.  Thanks for posting this for validation, Karen.  There’s so much we feel we can think is imaginary that isn’t.  No one out in the word unlike us would think that was true.

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I've no doubt that loneliness is a grave concern of those of us aging.  Last year during the snowpocolypse, the worst part was not the lack of water/electricity, but the isolation.  Hearing those trees crashing all around me in utter blackness of night...if George had been here I would have snuggled up and slept and nothing would have mattered.  His presence had a profound effect on me.  As it was I had to face clearing my yard of fallen trees and debris without help from anyone, it was daunting.  There is something about being in things together.

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Gwen, I have been reading some of these posts this morning before I go to meeting, and I see that you are having pneumonia issues. Apparently, for some things I have read, grief can settle in the lungs.  I guess it is fairly common. I am so sorry you have this additional burden of illness besides the grief. I will be thinking of you today and keeping you in my prayers.  

Yes, it is so hard to find purpose, to find a reason to go on after we lose our spouses. I think that is one reason I have held on to so many of Doug's things after all the years of caring for him—caring for his things has been a part of my purpose since he left. I am only slowly letting go of his papers, computers, so many things.  Yet my heart still aches as I let go of even the small things. 

I hope you are feeling better. Please be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as you can, dear one. For all of us, I am keeping the goal and intention to be feeling a lot better, stronger, and healthier by the first day of Spring. I am determined to keep up my physical therapy and good living habits.  Anything to get healthier. I hope you are doing the same. Much love to you, Gwen.  *<twinkles>*

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I already had trashed lungs, so this pneumonia isn’t that surprising.  The intensity is.  I feel grief affects the heart physically as well.  Been assured mine is fine yet it knocks about that I can feel.  I know blood pressure rises when people are thinking or doing emotional or unpleasant things.  

I hear ya on Doug’s personal things.  Aside from ridding the house of all medical things required for his care, I haven’t touched his stuff except very little things now and then.  There is comfort with what little is left beyond our house being all choices we made.  I keep his 'snus' (a tobacco chew), last bottle of wine in the fridge, sure it has gone bad but it must be there, his placemat, van and studio.  I can’t think of anything else I have gotten rid of but most of his clothes to a homeless mission and that felt good.  He’d be so behind that.

i really need to find some of that drive you have.  It must feel so good.

 

 

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11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I know blood pressure rises when people are thinking or doing emotional or unpleasant things.

So does my blood sugar I have found.  This morning it was high in spite of the healthy diet I am doing...I think the thought of the impending snow brought it up.

I hadn't realized lungs could be affected by unpleasantry as well, it makes sense though, our bodies are holistic and each part affects another.

 

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I was told something similar about the lungs, from someone who seems to have some intuitive gifts for detecting this kind of thing.  I know I mentioned it elsewhere but I was told by a deep-tissue massage body-work specialist that grief is held in the arms as well.  it made sense at the time why my forearms, upper arms and shoulders ached so much.  That has mostly passed by now.

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