Grief removes all guard rails

[scba]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Just another Monday night and I sit here wondering what all of us are doing.  Staring at TV?  Reading?  Going to bed for lack of anything to do or tired of facing another night?  Anxious about a move to a new place?  Crying? Laughing?  Lost? Feeling hope?  Doing things we never did at this hour because our routine and structure are gone that we knew for so long?  Microwaving or actually cooking?  Numb or raw?  Background noise of silence?  Good thoughts or sad?  

I lost the ability of reading, so in bed i swipe instagram to fall asleep

I go to bed exausted and tired from the day, actually phisically tired.

I am anxious about any change it may come, good or bad. 

Keep myself very busy because In the end I am and feel lost.

I know I have had a different life, once In which I was happy. That is my difference, I have changef routined so many times. Difference is the feeling and the context from it.

I cook, the idea is to do and do and get tired.

Numb mostly

Background noise always. Tv is for that. 

Thoughts of tasks to do. 

That is my everyday life. I go to bed at 11pm.

 

(I have made second health test but result will be out next month).

[TomPB]

On 9/24/2018 at 7:53 AM, kayc said:

My "grief counselor" thought he had it all figured out too, what he would do if his wife Debi died...well he needn't concern himself about it because they're divorced now.  Honestly, for him to give me a book to read a week after George died that starts out with, "I took my wedding ring off..."  Really!!  He hadn't a clue.  He hadn't experienced it, and I'd lay big wagers he hadn't studied it in school either!  My guess is he was a self-proclaimed "counselor" that thought he had all the answers to everything!  Especially since he was in the country with no competition.

My grief counselor lost her husband and her daughter within 2 months. She had been doing grief counseling before her own losses and says very strongly that she didn't have a clue before. But we know that...

[kayc]

At midnight I was asleep.  I was lucky last night, didn't wake up until 3:20 am.  At least not that I remember.  Alas I can't get into 3 gal. of ice cream with my Diabetes, so I guess getting old doesn't even give me a free pass.  I don't want to lose my feet, that's pretty good incentive to be good.

Gosh, I can't drink, smoke, eat bad foods, not much I CAN do for fun!  There was nothing on t.v. last night, and I mean nothing.  How can there be 120 channels of nothing?!  And I was too tired to read.  I killed time until it was 8:20, then I went to bed.  Some of us live some boring lives!

[Margm]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Hey Marg, I ran into a very old post of yours when you had 3 gallons of ice cream

Oh Gwen, I have gained 30 pounds and this 5 foot frame (used to be 5'2, eyes of blue), but guess the old bones somehow collapse.  I do have to blame it on the hips though, they pull everything downward.  I was very flippant but my legs are telling me I am not flippant, I am fat and gonna hurt myself if I don't quit.  One thing (and a psychiatrist would have a fun time with me now), I did not want to get so fat, but in the back of my mind, (after typing all the cancer patients and how the diagnoses were evident at the weight loss), in the far reaches of this fat encrusted brain is the notion "the cancer has not returned" as long as I am gaining weight.  Of course, my heart is saying, "you are short of breath because you are a fat bitch" and my heart is the most honest organ (other than the ruptured colon, and I guarantee you, that is the smartest organ and I will keep an open "mind" about it).  No more three gallons ice cream.  I need so bad to start trying to walk again like I used to do.  Before I am unable.  Thinking of you Gwen, and my heart is with you.

[KarenK]

My evenings usually include fixing dinner for me and the guys and cleaning up. TV is on all the time with the few channels I like or a movie. Usually read while I watch TV and check out stuff or pay bills on the computer periodically. "The Good Doctor", which I enjoy, started Season 2. Found a new(to me) bead site to order a few things I don't need. Always alone, although others are here. No one ever watches a movie with me. Oh, well. Went to bed at 1 AM(early for me) and jumped up four times with horrible leg cramps until about 7 AM. I'm sure they are caused by the low Potassium that my doctor reports. Supposed to go back for further tests, just haven't bothered. This happens every night now several times and it's hard to walk when I get up as my legs hurt. Guess I'll get some bananas which aren't my favorite. Still having dental work done. Like you Gwen, parts of me are breaking faster than I can keep up with them. My COPD does not require oxygen, just slowing down and no long distance walking. Am familiar with the oxygen machine and the 3'(?) tanks you pull behind you as Ron used it in the last few months. I had a heck of a time pushing his wheelchair while dragging a tank. Insurance wouldn't cover the small backpack tanks.

Glad to hear you were able to do a bit of volunteer work. Hope your days will get a bit brighter.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, scba said:

I I am anxious about any change it may come, good or bad. 

I know I have had a different life, once In which I was happy. That is my difference, I have changef routined so many times. Difference is the feeling and the context from it.

Yeah,  that’s what I was posting about.  I’m sick of change now.  It’s not an adventure anymore, it’s working around that huge void.  The changed routines just don’t feel right anymore.  They are change just for the sake of change, not evolved from something we both grew into.  Context is the perfect word.  It’s the why the change happened.

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Went to bed at 1 AM(early for me) and jumped up four times with horrible leg cramps until about 7 AM. I'm sure they are caused by the low Potassium that my doctor reports. Supposed to go back for further tests, just haven't bothered. This happens every night now several times and it's hard to walk when I get up as my legs hurt.

Like you Gwen, parts of me are breaking faster than I can keep up with them. My COPD does not require oxygen, just slowing down and no long distance walking. 

Leg pain is awful!  Mine is from my back and legs hurt all day.  Wake me up too.  I hope potassium works for you.  Mine is from bones so no easy fix.  I know pain affects our usual sparkling personalities too.  I’m not as 'nice' as I used to be on the inside.  Fortunately I can fake  it on the outside.  I’m breaking down fast also.  It’s almost frightening.  More limits and handicapped crap around the house.  Got the placard for the car now too.  Often, out of rebellion and masochism I won’t use it.  How horrible your insurance wouldn’t  OK portable tanks for  Ron.  Those big ones are.....too big to be dragging around.  I have one only for if the power goes out at home.  It all sucks and in this case, tho it sounds awful to say.....misery does love company.  It’s hard to feel alone when fighting all this stuff.  Odd we feel relief another is hurting.  Talk about twisted and so sorry to say that to you.  But your not alone either.  If that helps.  I wish you brighter days days too, Karen.  ☀️

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Some of us live some boring lives!

KayC:  You are not alone living a boring life.   I keep telling myself, living a Boring Life is sometimes better than being in the middle of turmoil.  I once had a dear Aunt Cora who lived way up in North Mississippi all alone most of the time who used to say,  "There were a lot more things worse than being lonely."   Dee

[widow'15]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I also did my volunteer gig Monday and last Saturday.  Those were hard as I am not %100 yet since the hospital.  But a little slice of something familiar.  I saw I hadn’t signed in or out since late July. 

Hey Marg, I ran into a very old post of yours when you had 3 gallons of ice cream.  Must have been from about 2 years ago.  Gave me a chuckle as you said you were old now and could do anything you wanted.  So true.  One of the things I adored about leaving home was I could 'play' with my food.  Drove my mother nuts I would by Sara Lee crumb cakes and just eat the top. Buy a dozen chocolate chip cookies and just eat the chips leaving a pile of dough.  Thanks for the memory! 

Gwen:  So happy to see you were feeling well enough and strong enough to do your volunteer gig.  You were brave. 

Also, so appreciated your statement about playing with your food.  You made me laugh out loud.  You sound like my kids.  I was one of those Mom's that would not hardly ever buy my kids sugared cereal.  And they both told me once they moved out that is all they ever would buy.  Oh well.  Bad Mommy!  Dee

 

[Margm]

Gwen, I  think we feel our relief from the fact that others are hurting bad and still find the strength to keep going, just like you do.  We are stronger than we think we are.  I think that has a ring of Winnie the Pooh to it.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, widow'15 said:

KayC:  You are not alone living a boring life.   I keep telling myself, living a Boring Life is sometimes better than being in the middle of turmoil.  I once had a dear Aunt Cora who lived way up in North Mississippi all alone most of the time who used to say,  "There were a lot more things worse than being lonely."   Dee

On I’m torn on this one.  Don’t want turmoil, contentment would be nice.  Something in the middle of chaos and boredom.  Right now loneliness seems the ultimate enemy.  I’ve had some chaotic times as always but they have distracted me from sitting and thinking of how much I miss my former life.  Sometimes I think I create chaos just to feel alive.  I hate sundown.  Used to love the night but not anymore.  People are all settled in their nests with their families or comfortable alone because that is their regular lifestyle.  

At the nursing home, those with dementia or altzhiemers get worse at night.  They call it 'sundowning'.  Something happens in the brain is deprived of light and activity.  I’ve seen it in residents myself.  So different than when I saw them a couple hours before.  I think that happens with loneliness and depression.  Does for me.  I find myself doing normally earlier day tasks like laundry, cleaning or things most do during the day.  I will skip doing them even if I have time to fill in when I get restless at night.  

I’d be curious what your aunt thought was worse.  Fires, health emergencies are obvious, I mean the emotions.

 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I keep telling myself, living a Boring Life is sometimes better than being in the middle of turmoil. 

For sure!

Gwen, my best friend's husband, when he was alive, had great big oxygen tanks he was tethered to and he hated them, it changed his life, no more dredging for gold, and he no longer had the energy to do his passion, making jewelry...it wasn't the kind with beads, etc., it was with gold and they were beautiful, I wished I'd bought one of his pieces when he was alive, to remember him by.  Karen, I can't imagine the insurance saying no to the smaller tanks!  Makes you want to curse them to a life tethered to one of those big ones.  

I think my sister Peggy thinks my life is better, being alone, than hers with Bert, yet all the while he's doing everything for her.  Makes me see how short-sighted we can be!  The grass is always greener they say...

[iPraiseHim]

18 hours ago, KarenK said:

... Oh, well. Went to bed at 1 AM(early for me) and jumped up four times with horrible leg cramps until about 7 AM. I'm sure they are caused by the low Potassium that my doctor reports.

For immediate relief for leg cramps is to rub some Magnesium Oil(Magnesium Sulfate flakes and distilled water) on the affected area.  It is usually a sign of Magnesium deficiency. If you have Epsom salt you can make some up and it works just not as fast.  If you can soak in a bath or put a wet compress of the solution will help just before you go to sleep. 

I used to get leg cramps and my wife, too!.  You can buy on Amazon or a local health food store.  I make my own (easy) because it is more cost effective. Bananas are high in sugar which drives up your insulin.  A better choice is to eat an avocado.  It has better nutrients. - George - Shalom

[KarenK]

Thank you for the info, George. I have had toe cramps(sounds funny) and ankle cramps for years. Lots of fun pulling off your cowboy boots in the mall to rub your feet. The calf cramps are a new thing. Also, lots of fun jumping up and trying to avoid stepping on the dog who sleeps next to my bed.  lol  Think I will try the foods before I go for the Magnesium, although it sounds interesting too.

I miss Ron's great cooking(he cooked and I cleaned up). He fixed healthy meals. How ironic that he was the one that ended up with diabetes, a failing heart, and cancer.

[TomPB]

I always have a banana before swim practice and have not had problems with cramps in the pool since I started. My brother and I both have knees that act up from time to time. I just learned that, before bed, he treats his with ice and I treat mine with a heating pad, LOL. I don't know which is best or if they are both good.

I was the cook and Susan cleaned up. I cook healthy so we both ate healthy. I was the worrier and Susan was happy and serene and always had perfect blood pressure. Never would have guessed she'd go first.

At least I didn't have to learn to cook. I've heard some guys say they didn't know how to take care of themselves. Sometimes when I cook our favorite meals meals for myself I wonder why I'm doing it. I'm so stuck in my habits I keep them up even tho my soulmate is gone.

[Gwenivere]

That’s amazing to me about the cooking, Tom.  I haven’t really cooked anything I did for years now.  I tried at first.  It was handy having a 2nd meal for another night.  It was still new then too.  Hadn’t been dragged out almost 4 years.   I cooked and cleaned up even nights Steve tried, had to do it over.  He was a typical guy.  🙂  now I am an easy oven user and the microwave gets lots of use.  Been buying cooked pasta, the latest thing to hit the market.  Have a nifty Martha Stewart pot with the colander but it took both of us to drain.  Too many memories for me.  Hard enough sitting at the table eating alone all these years.  I’d love to taste freshly cooked chicken or pork chops.  More veggies.  Used to buy take and bake pizzas, but lost the fun of cutting them up and bickering over who kept taking the bigger slices.  All easy stuff if there is motivation.  Gonna make myself a sandwich for tonight.  Even that feels monumental!  Food is so social when you’ve had a partner.  We used to solve the worlds problems at our dining table.  🙂

[Margm]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Thank you for the info, George. I have had toe cramps(sounds funny) and ankle cramps for years

When all I had for allergy was Benadryl, I would have leg cramps.  But Billy "inherited" them from his dad.  Don't know if that is possible, but he woke me up many times trying to fix his cramp in which ever leg.  One time I woke up to him turning a perfect somersault in the bed and I remember thinking crazily "Damn, that would be a 10 in the Olympics" and the thought came just as crazily as his leg cramp drew him into that position.  I'm sure he hit the floor, or wall.  It happened often in 54 years.  But that leg cramp, that moment in time I will never forget.

[Gwenivere]

I always feel liked I’m on the late night shift here. Earliest time zone, extreme night owl.   🦉

i used to use magnesium oil spray and forgot about it.  Am trying some tonight.  I don’t need help to sleep, but the pain does wake me up. The pain emanates from my spine, but hoping it will lessen it in my legs.  I could be on useless errand, but worth a try.  I just ordered some lotion as the oil spray feels kinda funky.  I want something that truly absorbs like the aspercreme I was using.  Hope this stuff does.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Tonight I am the night owl 🦉too.  Too much going on in my tired brain and the darn thing keeps replaying everything over and over.  Helllllllllp! 

I would like to go to bed and sleep until it's morning.  This up every couple of hours is exhausting.  I was doing ok until 2:30 am yesterday when police, fire, and ambulance sirens woke me up.  One was a barn fire, about a half mile away, and sadly several chickens and mini goats were trapped when the roof caved in.  The other was a car accident that was a couple miles away... No major injuries there.  It was after 4 before I was able to go back to sleep and then my brain said, "time is up, get out of bed".  Grrrrr.  I'm fortunate that's all I have to complain about tonight.

I hope your pain in much reduced tonight Gwen.  I'm sorry you have so many health problems to deal with on your own. 🙏

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Marita.  My brain usually beats the alarm.   Wake up knowing I will have to get up when I’d rather stay under the covers but no snooze button For the brain.  Yesterday was a panic wakening.  Hate that even more than the pain.  It create all kinds of frightful thoughts.  I’m very concerned about my eldest dog and if she isn’t there or comes, I fear I will find her possibly dead!  That’s how crazy this relationship with me and it have become.  I hope you get a better nights sleep tonight.  I’ve had to soundproof my bedroom since I try and sleep til noon.  The less time I spend among the living, the better.  I hate the loneliness at night, but all the people buzzing about living life easily makes me sad for myself.  Best keep that little pity party to myself.  Hard to hear my neighbors laughing and so busy while I’m making up things to fill so many hours.  Why do the clocks run sooooo slow?  😪

[KarenK]

I'm right here with you guys watching all the things on Jewelry Television that I can't afford and don't need anyway, reading a Dean Koontz book, and planning beaded gemstone necklaces in my head I will create just for fun. Don't care much for beaded earrings although I've made a few. I prefer making earrings out of silver or gold plated charms. I have every Western themed pair you can imagine right down to covered wagons. Just missing stagecoaches.  lol

Will probably call it a night(or is that morning) soon so I can get up in time to put a roast in the slow cooker. I make meals with as little trouble as possible. I always said I'd rather iron than cook and who irons anymore? Hope you guys get some sleep too.

[kayc]

George, thanks for the information!  I have a couple of friends going through ongoing leg and feet cramps, I'll suggest this to them!

[TomPB]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That’s amazing to me about the cooking, Tom.  I haven’t really cooked anything I did for years now.  I tried at first.  It was handy having a 2nd meal for another night.  It was still new then too.  Hadn’t been dragged out almost 4 years.   I cooked and cleaned up even nights Steve tried, had to do it over.  He was a typical guy.  🙂  now I am an easy oven user and the microwave gets lots of use.  Been buying cooked pasta, the latest thing to hit the market.  Have a nifty Martha Stewart pot with the colander but it took both of us to drain.  Too many memories for me.  Hard enough sitting at the table eating alone all these years.  I’d love to taste freshly cooked chicken or pork chops.  More veggies.  Used to buy take and bake pizzas, but lost the fun of cutting them up and bickering over who kept taking the bigger slices.  All easy stuff if there is motivation.  Gonna make myself a sandwich for tonight.  Even that feels monumental!  Food is so social when you’ve had a partner.  We used to solve the worlds problems at our dining table.  🙂

I agree, Gwen, but I just keep to my old patterns. I've slowly started getting more prepared food like burritos and soups. I would do most of the cooking but we worked together on burritos and making pesto from basil planted on our deck, and Susan was the cookie maker. In 2017 I didn't grow basil but I did this year. I would always wipe the  inside of the food processor with a piece of bread and bring it to her and get that brilliant smile, so the memories were flooding back. Can't imagine making burritos myself. Most nights I think of how I should be saying "dinner's ready" and I still don't know what to do with the cookie making equipment... 

[Kieron]

I gave away a lot of his kitchen stuff to friends who cook, or to charity, although there's a ton of stuff in the basement I haven't even touched.  I do cook, but not like he did.  I don't need 2 food processors, 2 blender styles, etc.  He had what he called a "full kitchen" (or nearly!) and I simply cannot use it all.  I kept what I will use or know how to use, like all our cast iron cookware.  A melon baller?  Nah!  🙄

When he was sick and deteriorating, I was working full-time and visiting whenever I could sneak in, usually in the evening.  I never told him this, but those days he was hospitalized and in rehab, and ultimately intensive care, I felt like I was slowly starving.  Not just because I was missing his great cooking but because he put his heart into every dish and it had the effect of nourishing the soul as well as the body.  😞  How I miss this.  🍲

[Margm]

We didn't know that Billy's cancer had invaded and occluded his mesenteric arteries.  I fixed two meals that sent him to the ER.  After they put stents in his mesenteric arteries, the massive take over of his body by the cancer we never knew he had (and as usual, I have to say he was getting two physical exams a year and extensive blood tests for stents in his kidney arteries about 30 years before), and Billy just fell through the medical factories cracks), and he could not eat, was afraid to eat, or the shock of the whole situation too stunning, but he could not even drink Ensure.  Something about cooking left me entirely paralyzed.  I have bought frozen everything.  I use the slow cooker sometimes, but facing fixing a meal like I used to do for Billy and family, I just cannot do anymore, do not want to, will not do it.  I realize this is not true, but sometimes it feels like my cooking for him killed him.  

[Kieron]

Oh Marg, my heart goes out to you.  How awful.