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Kieron

The club no one wants to join

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Hi there.  I'd like to introduce myself without going into a lot of detail just yet.  That will come.   The handsome man in my avatar photo, looking over his shoulder, is my Mark.  He passed away in March 2017 after an epic 14 year standoff with kidney failure,  but it was sepsis that got him in the end.

For now, I'll just say I've got a lifetime membership in this club I never wanted to join--512 days so far, if my math is right--and there's no way to drop my enrollment or discontinue my membership.  There are no discounts.  If there are any reward programs or special deals only available to members, you'd sure never guess it.  I do know that Time runs differently here, kind of like C.S. Lewis' Narnia, only there's no way to pass through the wardrobe and back to the world you knew before.   Last September, on his birthday, the first one without him in the world, I felt like I could barely breathe.  I'm not even sure how I got through the day.  It's a blur.  The year since that first birthday has been so "all over the map" I should probably refer to myself as an atlas.  Open me to any page and I will describe geological features including footpaths in my carpet from my endless pacing during sleepless nights, and unnamed bodies of water made up of tears.  As you can tell, I am writer.   The one good thing from all this loss is that my poetry has come roaring back to life after years of slumber.  There's a saying "You have to suffer to write"  but this is ridiculous!

I'll add more in time.  Just know I have read silently along for a few weeks now, and nodded in recognition at thing said here, and wiped tears on behalf of those members here who have poured out their hearts and who endured far worse than I did, bad as it was for me.

The attached graphic captures my feelings perfectly. I don't know the original source, or I would cite the author.

Thanks for reading.

image.jpg

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Welcome.  I’m sorry for the loss of your Mark.  Keep posting.  Everyone is supportive here.  I like the graphic.  Elequently true.  

Katie

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This is not a place that any of us want to belong to but it is a caring and safe place for those of us who miss a loved one.  As Katie said everyone is supportive and ready to listen without judgment. I believe the quote you added to your post belongs to Jamie Anderson. Here is a link I found: https://kathyparker.com.au/2017/01/02/grief-is-just-love-with-no-place-to-go/  

I hope you find that coming here gives you some peace. 

Anne

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I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am glad for you that you found this group. None of us want to be here, but here we all are. It's a place we can meet at, share our stories and bare our souls, and feel safe doing it. No one is judgmental here, and there is probably none of us here that know all the right answers. But there is a lot to be gained by being able to come here, and post a message about whatever is on our minds at the time.  Grief is the ugly side of each of our love story. The better and stronger our love was for our mate, the harder our grief is after losing them. The road we are all on for our grief journey is full of curves and switchbacks. None of us want to be here, but here is where we are. Marty has given us a wonderful place to come and hang out at while our souls are healing, after the loss each one of us has suffered.  I am sorry you are here, but nevertheless, I say Welcome.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Your post is so touching and vividly descriptive of this Hell we find ourselves in with no consent, reason or parole.  We did nothing to deserve this.  I wish there were a better word than 'welcome' because that seems so out of place.  I can tell you are a writer.  

I am glad you posted and felt safe enough in this group of those left behind with that love we weren’t done giving.  I never know what to say to first posts.  Others here are very good at that, but I heard everything you said.  For lack of a better word....welcome to the family That is so warm and caring.

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I love your quote, I haven't heard that one before.  I am sorry you too are going through this...grief with a beginning but no ending. We're all traversing this together.

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Welcome to the club.  Sorry you qualify as a member.

It has been a life saver for me for sure.  I've been here since early 2016.  I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing.  I like how you put words and feelings together.  Hugs to you.

Marita

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Thanks for the kind responses.  Indeed it's " curves and switchbacks" as you say, Darrell, and I find myself doubling back into emotional territory I thought I had crossed over already.  Nope!  There's always more, it seems.  And it's complicated by simple relief that's it's finally over, that I don't have to worry about him anymore.  No more falls, accidents or hospitalizations, or getting a call that something is wrong and he's being sent to the hospital for observation, and the resulting worrying.  I know he felt awful about it, apologizing profusely each time as though it was something he had done wrong or failed me in some way.  Polycystic kidney disease is probably hereditary and possibly environmental in how it manifests.  There may be a cluster of it in the area where he was born and raised.  It's no one's fault.  No matter how I tried to reassure him, he worried I would get "tired" of him and abandon him.  Never.  I would have cut off my right hand sooner than that. 

But yeah, it's still a relief that the suffering is done.  Now it's my turn, I guess!  😫

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Kieron, we're close in dates, my soulmate Susan went to the other side 3/31/17. We couldn't be further away in what happened, Susan died over the course of 10-15 min with no warning that she had a life-threatening condition. My grief counselor says that in the end all that's left is the love. Well I'm not there yet and I mainly feel the pain of her loss. Best wishes for your journey through grief world, TomPB

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2 hours ago, Kieron said:

No matter how I tried to reassure him, he worried I would get "tired" of him and abandon him.  Never.  I would have cut off my right hand sooner than that. 

 

Omg, that has been our/my case too. Of course I had my down moments yet I did not leave him, I stayed , he died and here I am. I was not enough, our love was not enough to spare him and us. Now, I live the reality from the quote posted before.

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2 hours ago, TomPB said:

Kieron, we're close in dates, my soulmate Susan went to the other side 3/31/17. We couldn't be further away in what happened, Susan died over the course of 10-15 min with no warning that she had a life-threatening condition. My grief counselor says that in the end all that's left is the love. Well I'm not there yet and I mainly feel the pain of her loss. Best wishes for your journey through grief world, TomPB

Thanks, Tom.  No warning, no time to say anything to her?  Yikes, I am sorry.  :(  I just read some other thread where you described finding her. :(  Hard as it was to hear the words "No hope, no quality of life, can't go home," etc.,  following his final hospitalization, I at least got to spend the last 2 days and hours with him right up to the last breath, although he was sedated and intubated and could not respond by then.  :(  A curious kind of gift I hadn't really considered before...

1 hour ago, scba said:

Omg, that has been our/my case too. Of course I had my down moments yet I did not leave him, I stayed , he died and here I am. I was not enough, our love was not enough to spare him and us. Now, I live the reality from the quote posted before.

Sorry, Ana.   :(Sounds like neither of our lives turned out the way we thought.  :( 

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After 54 years, sometimes I just feel guilty for being here.  Sometimes I cannot believe he is gone.  The crying jags are far between, but the tears can happen over nothing at all.  I do forget things often, but I have for three years now.  When I am reminded of something I forgot, I tell them I will start looking for assisted living.  Honestly has not bothered me too much unless I am reminded of it.  Today I drove interstate in "off work" traffic and a horrific straight line winds, no rain until I got home but the trees were bending pretty bad.  I honestly did not get scared except I was driving tornado alley.  Ferris Yaris kept all four on the ground and I don't think I'm ready for assisted living yet.  

Kieron, read on, lots of people on here have helped me.  We cannot be cured, but we can develop scar tissue over the wounds........sometimes.  Rips off easily.  I'm sorry you have to join us but they are good people, the pain is real.

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20 hours ago, Marg M said:

Sometimes I cannot believe he is gone.

I'm sorry, I don't ever believe he is gone.  We never spent the night away from each other, we even saw each other every day we were separated the whole six weeks.  I would blow out the outside gas water tank and he would have to come relight it..  Finally, after we got back together he asked why the gas water heater was working now.  He was serious.  I told him because I was not blowing it out anymore.  He got a kick out of that.

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You always make me smile, Marg.  Clever wench with the water heater.  Steve and I saw each other often during our long separation.  As much as we thought (actually him) it was over, there’s no killing true love.  I knew he needed some space for other problems, but I was an easy target.  I kept our promise to let each other go if either of us felt as he did.  Turned out his other problems getting resolved gave us back to each other.  We became even more bonded because of it.  💖

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It really is helpful to come on here and read the posts, even though they are quite often filled with pain.....it really comforts me to know I am not alone in this universe feeling like this.  Everyone is so real on here.  Who ever thought reading about pain would be a comfort?  Anyway, I appreciate all of you, feel for all of you; imagine a big get-together with all of us...probably a lot of laughing and crying.....Cookie

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And then today I got the news that my 95 year old grandmother, my last surviving grandparent, passed away this morning.  I had had a foreshadowing dream about this last night and knew something was "up," when I got the call, as she had been slowing way, way down, and sleeping most of the time in recent weeks and months.  She had a good life, and avoided the nursing home by being able to stay in her own home, for which I am grateful. 

I know the funeral will just rip and tear at the Mark-shaped hole in my heart.  They got along well, at family gatherings, because he knew how to talk with little old ladies. 😄   I will be able to truthfully say, "It's complicated," when people ask how I am this coming Friday.  :(

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So very sorry, Kieron.  I’ve had times like that and it’s so hard to add more to our burden.  My only relief was they were in other cities and I don’t fly.  I hate funerals and memorials as it is.  I know a lot need them, but I don’t for closure.  There is always the choice to not go, not that you needed me to tell you that.  I just know there are many things that we can’t handle and have permission to do so.  Whatever yours is, I hope you don’t get overloaded.  Only you know in yourself.

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I'm sorry for your losses.  It must be difficult to say goodbye to such an important family member so soon after Mark's passing.  

We are all thinking of you at this sad time and on Friday we will be there in spirit.  Sending 🙏 prayers for peace.

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@Kieron  I'm so sorry you lost yet another person close to you.  I know that their having had a good life and making it well into their nineties does little to lessen the pain their loss holds, it is in fact, another loss, a person you can't hold or touch as you'd like to.  I also know how hard it is to attend funerals after we've lost our husband, it can be a trigger and very hard to get through.  You will indeed be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this.  (((hugs)))

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9 hours ago, MartyT said:

Funny it started out with All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

I remember thinking that very same quote when George died.  That was pretty much how I felt about my life.  I imagine my life glued and patched now, all of the breaks evident to see, taped together, barely holding.  I like to think I've done a better job than that, but honestly, that's the visual that comes to mind...a poor facsimile of the life I once held.

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Rather than the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme, perhaps a better analogy for you, dear Kay, is the Japanese art of Kintsugi. It's certainly how I would think of you and what you have done with your life. ❤️ 

"Translated to 'golden joinery,”'Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi, which means “golden repair”) is the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Beautiful seams of gold glint in the cracks of ceramic ware, giving a unique appearance to the piece.
This repair method celebrates each artifact's unique history by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. Kintsugi often makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original, revitalizing it with new life."

Ancient Kintsugi Japanese Art Broken Pottery

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