The club no one wants to join

[kayc]

I remember that, our Mary posted it once and I have the picture/story of it saved as I shared it with my grief support group.  A beautiful analogy now, but at the time my grief was fresh and raw, it was a broken Humpty I felt like and identified with. 

[kayc]

Today's Bizarro...maybe we all should have taken out that insurance!

[Cookie]

On ‎08‎/‎20‎/‎2018 at 5:44 PM, Gin said:

Cookie, wouldn't that get together  be great?

Yes!

[Kieron]

I decided to go back to my very first post and add to it rather than a create a whole new post, and share the writerly thoughts going through my mind on this date.

A year ago today, I felt as though a massive cosmic door was swinging shut, moving slow the way heavy things often do but with such impact that they send shudders throughout their immediate environment.  It seemed to me, as it has for others, that once the door hit home, I could no longer truthfully say, "Well, this time last year he was still alive, he was doing this, he was doing that," and so forth.  It was as if there was some kind of echo of him still present in the world that would fade to silence.  After that anniversary door closed, it began to seem that what had turned on hinges was not a door but a heavy page, thick like the vellum once used in manuscripts before paper, as we know it, became more common.  Turning these heavy pages bound in this book that is now my life requires enormous strength, and I can only complete one page-turn every so often.  Today is one of those occasions, and the page has a tab sticking out that reads Year Two.  Whatever words are written on these pages seem to be in a script made from invisible ink, because I certainly can't seem to decipher the text.  Maybe by the time I reach the Year Three tab, I'll have devised a way to decode this ink and see what hidden messages, if any, are contained there.

Thank you for reading.

[Kieron]

I don't know how copyright laws affect comics, so I am unsure if I can post the actual image, but this 6-panel "comic" covers so very much about loss, in just a few words and images.  Edit: went ahead and posted it here.  Artist is Lunarbaboon.  Here's his Patreon page: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=82761

http://www.lunarbaboon.com/comics/grieving.html

 

[kayc]

I'm sure copywright laws are the same for comics as anything else, but as long as it's a link to their website or gives credit to author, that should suffice!
Love the message...so true!  People say all kinds of things but at the end of the day it's still us, alone, missing them.

[Gwenivere]

Wow.  That link was intense.  AND so true.

Where was that published, Kieran?  It’s sure not humor or satire.  

[Kieron]

Gwen, it's by a comic artist who writes about parenthood, depression and anxiety, and other deep topics. 

http://www.lunarbaboon.com/

https://www.patreon.com/user?u=82761

[Gwenivere]

Where did everyone go?  I’ve never seen it so quiet for so long.  Another we haven’t heard from is Darryl.  Its hard being in this club.  

[Gin]

I thought the same thing.

[kayc]

IDK, kind of like everyone is pensive at once.  I was thinking about the title of this thread...with my married friends that take for granted that life is just going to continue as is, as if we somehow got handed this bad luck but they escaped it...no, no one escapes it, we just don't know when.  Of course I got hit way too soon, would never have expected he'd die so young.  Luck of the draw.  And never in a million years would I have suspected my daughter's marriage would end in divorce, if you knew them the first umpteen years, I just don't get it.  She was so careful, cautious, took things slow, did all the right things, and still...

But here we all are.  Struggling through life while others have it good.  ???

[Margm]

Two of my friends have lost their husbands since December.  Last night, another friends husband had been sent to the Cleveland Hospital from the small Arkansas town he was a deputy sheriff still, for many years.  It was a last ditch effort to save his heart, already affected by Marfan's syndrome.  She had gone for supper, he was to be moved to a private room from ICU and had an attack they could not bring him back from.  Both in their 60's, which to me is young.  We cannot help.  We can say we are sorry and be there for them like my neighbor Hettie was for me..  She and this forum saved my life.  I can explain to one of my friends that it is okay to take something to help her sleep.  She is exhausted and thinks and thinks and thinking too much can really be dangerous.  We cannot change things.  In olden times people would take whips and whip themselves.  Possibly the pain took some of the pain from the brain.  I can only imagine, but know the pain in the brain.  All we can do is be there and tell them the things they don't understand are sometimes just "widow's brain."  And, I am not cured of "widow's brain" myself, but we do what we can, like this forum has helped so much, we do our little bit to help those still in shock.  And it brings back memories, perhaps it displaces the scar tissue we have built up.  Here is my heart, and it is all I have to give.

I do not mean to sound cynical, I am hurting for my friend who lost her  husband of many years last night.  Hurting sometimes is all we can do.

[iPraiseHim]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Where did everyone go?  I’ve never seen it so quiet for so long.  Another we haven’t heard from is Darryl.  Its hard being in this club.  

I thought the same.  Tomorrow will be three weeks since my Dad died. My sister insisted we all get together for Dad's Birthday on Father's day.  I have not heard from her since.  More is going on than I care to write about.  My Mom's saying, " If you can't say something NICE, don't say ANYTHING at at all" rings in my head.  Yeah it hurts, but so what else is new. 

My good news is, my AC in my van is now working.  Now trying to get the Home AC working as well.  Home temps average 85-95.  It is nice to have work  inside the homes and that most of the AC works. - Shalom ( God's Perfect Peace)

[Margm]

George, I did not tell you I was sorry to hear about your dad's passing, but I truly am.  As for your sister, she knows where you are.  You have not severed a relationship, she will come to you.  You are a loving soul and if she wants something in her life besides turmoil, then she should leave it at home and come greet you like a sister should.  We love you and know what kind of unselfish and giving person you are and I want to wish you the best of happiness, all that we can muster up after loss.  You have a good head on your shoulders and I believe you will do fine.  

[KarenK]

I am here just plodding along. My biggest excitement is my bi-weekly dental visits. Have had all the necessary extractions(knock on wood) and now have a whopping 11 teeth left. He wanted to pull 1 more yesterday, but I asked him to try and save it if he could. A couple more fillings and he can order the bridge or whatever it is to make me look presentable.

I don't go many places anymore and it's just as well as we are in the HOT time of year here. The TV and making jewelry are my friends, and of course the two big dogs who accompany me throughout the house, which reminds me to ask you Kay about Arlie.   It's the time of year for the city to jump my a$$ because my lawn is not "verdant and green", so my son bought a new big sprinkler and some grass seed which the birds will enjoy and I will get to pay  a doubled water bill. Ah, life in the big city. Love it!!

Peace to everyone.

[shebert56]

I'm still here, just lurking.

Second day of difficult grief for me.  August is coming up, first year anniversary, and it's on my mind.  Not all the time, but it bubbles up.

Yesterday I was really distressed.  I have one tshirt that still smells of Stephen tucked away in a ziplock bag.  While in grief, I went to it, and it didn't smell of him.  Of course I was all stuffed from weeping. Didn't think of that until today when I revisited and the smell of him is definitely still there.  I know you guys understand.... 💙

We always will remind ourselves to take it a day at a time.  Sometimes those days are very long though.

Hugs,

~Shirley

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I lived in Phoenix for a bit in my late teens to about 20.  Don’t know if they require that grass thing.  Here in Seattle we jump for joy when the lawns go to straw.  Water is way too expensive.  I see a few lawns here and there, but not many.  Darned dandelions grow tho no matter what. 

I stopped touching my roots.  Thought my hair would grow out the light brown it was.  There’s more grays than brown!  You’d think at 63 I would not be shocked, but I am.  I didn’t have to streak it much in New Mexico, the sun did that.  Became habit here in Seattle.  Will miss the blonde, but not the work. Plus, who am I trying to look better for now?  I went from comments of gorgeous to beautiful to pretty hair.  Got one the other day that shocked me.  It’s so thin and lifeless now.

I have dreams of losing my teeth.  I need to get a bridge done at some point on my lower front teeth.  Not loking firward to that one bit.  I so hate anything medical or dental.  Youth was so nice.  Everything worked and the strongest medication in my dwellings was aspirin. Lots of Jack Daniels too.  😎

[Kieron]

Second week of July coming up, a time when we would go to a place by the Canadian border, on a lake.  It was never a long enough time, given we had to leave in 4 days for him to be on time for dialysis back in the hometown.  Today, I was driving in a location with a higher elevation and saw a beautiful partly-cloudy horizon, just a perfect summer sky, stretching out forever, and it looked just like the view over that big lake the first time he brought me there in 2006. 

And I thought then that I'd stepped out into a spot of heaven, at the time.  Now the memory, no matter how beautiful today's scenery that evokes that memory,  just makes me sad all over again.

[kayc]

On 7/2/2019 at 1:47 PM, KarenK said:

which reminds me to ask you Kay about Arlie.

I've been posting about him in the pet section "Living with Loss".  Ups and downs, he's been pretty good this week but balked at eating his breakfast last two mornings.  Been giving his liver support down him with treats in sight.  It's hard giving a dog medicine when their mouth is like a crocodile.  Putting it in things doesn't help, he eats those things and spits the medicine out, only way is to shove it down his throat, fun.  Other than that he's doing pretty good, I hate knowing what's going on inside his body though. 
 

I haven't been able to do yard work since my fall a couple of years ago, so hired someone to cut the grass and figured when he was done I'd hire someone to do the weedwhacking afterwards.  Well the guy got carried away, weedwhacked all my lacy ferns that I loved in the front yard (I'd only hired him to do the BACK yard!) and he cut up my Madrone that my son wanted for his woodworking, even though I'd told him several times my SON wanted it!  It's what you get when you hire people.  Knowing if George were here this never would have happened.  He'd never "forget" Paul wanted the Madrone, nor would he destroy my beloved ferns.    There's a huge difference between a husband and a hired worker.  One cares, the other doesn't listen.

George, glad you got the A/C in your vehicle again!  I've never had A/C in the house but I think it gets hotter there than here...it'll be in the 80s this week though.

[KarenK]

Gwen, you're so right. Youth was so much nicer and I think we didn't appreciate it at the time.  lol  I have adapted to the loss of teeth as I have to the loss of so many things in the last few years. At least it can be corrected to a certain extent. At 72, my hair remains blonde. It has been white blonde all my life, but is more golden now. No gray in it that I can see. It's probably my last "saving grace".

I suppose on the whole, what we have all lost are our dreams. Ours was to move to our cabin in the mountains. I miss that place so much. It was easy to escape there when it got 110 here, but we were younger, healthier, and very poor financial planners, so it's gone.

I can't manage the yard work anymore either, Kay.  I did it all for a lot of years before Ron passed away. He lost the ability to do so many thing that he enjoyed by 2000. I still do the housework and cooking, but am so fortunate that my son and grandson are here to do the rest.

Marley has learned to avoid her Lupus medication in bread, cheese, lunch meat, hot dogs, etc. so we're at peanut butter now which seems to be working. Drat! Now she's eating all my peanut butter!

[Gwenivere]

Cool about your hair, Karen. Vamp hair like like Mae West.  🙂 I had someone tell mine was pretty again today.  Still lots of blonde.  And long.  So many women cut their hair by my age.  I see why,  it’s more work to wash.  

I can cook, but don’t want to being alone, but cleaning is tough.  Thus the housekeeper.  Works out financially as Steve isn’t spending money and that sounds awful to say.  We’d need one anyway.  Never thought I’d miss it, but I do.  My contribution to our nest and rewarding as Steve was such a....guy.  He’d sometimes clean something and say 'at least I got it started for you' knowing I would see what was missed.

This house runs on peanut butter.  The kids and I eat it every day.  I got so tired trying to hide or shove dog pills and thought......hmmmm, never any hesitation about PB.  It’s such a staple here I have about 20 jars.  Any time there is a sale I stock up.  The kids like the empty ones too.  I get as much out as I can and leave a ring of some at the top.  Use them for rainy days or when I don’t have time to throw the ball when they would usually get a spoonful at my lunch.  Keeps those long tongues busy.

[Margm]

Gwen, there was a reason my mom gave me the nickname of Moonbeam McSwine.  Of course,  only the older people will remember "Li'l Abner" by Al Capp.  Still hate keeping house.  But that is one thing Billy helped me with.  He had to, especially if company was coming.  And, it never failed, he would always say "this time we are going to keep it clean."  We didn't.  Now, the department of health would not condemn us, we didn't have bugs running everywhere, but we all cluttered.  And now, I just refuse to cook.  And, for sure, we were never broke into (the house), because they really felt it had already been hit.  One good thing, Brianna is learning how to cook.

[KarenK]

I was always a perfectionist in my younger days, so my house was spotless. My daughter's house was the same way. Somehow my son missed that train when it went by. It took me a lifetime to learn that there is so much more to life than a clean house. I still keep up with the kitchen, the bathrooms, my bedroom and the family room which is where I spend most of my time. The guys have the living room(now my son's bedroom) and the former gun room where my grandson sleeps. The spare bedroom is storage. They can live how they want in their domains.

I used to have long hair done up weekly in curls at the beauty shop. Chopped it off in 1976. It didn't go well with 4 wheeling, dust, backwoods driving, camping, and wilderness hiking which was our way of life. Don't miss it at all. Just miss all the other stuff that I cut it off for.

[kayc]

Here ya go, Marg!

[kayc]

Karen, I'm jealous of your hair!  I had dark hair when I met George, that was 20 1/2 years ago!   What a difference between then and now. 
I had blonde hair in between, sometimes I toy with the idea of going back to it but alas you can't recapture youth.