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Kieron

The club no one wants to join

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Gwen that's a good idea about saving peanut butter at the rim of the jar for them, Arlie would love that!  I used to give him peanut butter in his Kong when I'd leave for work to keep him busy, I'd forgotten about that!

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Yes the club that no one wants or plans on joining...I too have become a member...At one time not too long ago, I had a lovely man in my life, we met 20 years ago, we also had three gorgeous fur-babies yet over those years one by one has now gone to the " Rainbows Bridge " all three fur-babies are-were the loves of my life...I have now lost all three and my Partner Richard 11th April, now it is just me left all by myself and i do not like this now empty and lonely life one bit, I am so so frightened of my future, it is going to be so unpredictable, i also have PP-MS, as Richard was not only my provider but he was my rock...now i am completely alone...

Jackie..

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Today is my husband's birthday.  Yes, this is a club no one wants to join.  Please browse all the posts in all the column's, your twin is here, you have never met her/him, but she/he is here in hundreds of different forms and posts.  My heart is with you.  We loved so much, we grieve so much harder.  I'm sorry.  No words can comfort, but you have many fellow grievers walking the path right beside yours, because we cannot walk the same one.  We cannot see you, but we can reach out and touch you.

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Trying not to be too dramatic today.  This was his last birthday cake and he was gone less than three months later.  Even at this time we didn't know he was even sick.  Doc twice a year, more if I detected anything wrong.  Lab work obviously was looked at nothing but urinary function, but full lab work.  By this time his liver was gone.  His back hurt enough we did go to the doctor, we knew he had herniated disks.  We were ready for the fast surgery that he gets out of hospital overnight.  No fear.  My mind would not accept what I heard and would tell him nothing but we would have another miracle, we both had stood on the precipice of death more than three times and did not fall off.  He fell this time fast.  My old slow man, slow walking, slow moving, he just disappeared...........and I am getting dramatic.  He is gone.  I'm still here for right now.  I have a picture somewhere on this blog with us both standing on a bridge, him on one side, me on the other.  All I have to do is move to his side.  This is just another day, just like yesterday, just like tomorrow, but we are not promised tomorrow, are we?  

btk.jpg

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I love the cake...makes me wonder if they celebrate birthdays in heaven with time being no more and all...but still, the day they were born is important!  We never forget, do we.

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He was called "Billy the Kid" because he loved to get presents.  The kids loved celebrating his birthday more than their own.  They miss him terribly.  I see them nearly every day.  They are only a little over a mile from me.  Kelli washes my clothes, they have W/D in their apartments.  Somewhere along the way in life the celebrations of my own dates became a bother for me.  I think I am like my mom's mother.  She is famous for going through the motions and keeping all the gifts she got in one chest of drawers.  Next Christmas she wrapped each gift (already given to her, never taken out of the box, or however it was wrapped, and she would just re-gift it  back to them.  She didn't have to shop and there were so many grandchildren sometimes she would run out of gift wrap and finish up with toilet paper, and a bow.  More than one time one of the girls was heard to say "she gave me the gift I gave her last year." 

One day is the same as the others, you feel the absence each day.  I know we all do.  

 

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19 hours ago, Marg M said:

More than one time one of the girls was heard to say "she gave me the gift I gave her last year." 

That is funny!  How nice that Kelli does your laundry for you!  I'd be elated if my daughter just called.  I worry about her, how do we not when we know their life is in a mess?

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Yup, that’s how clearly the universe answers me too.  Really helpful....not.

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I wished there was a laughter emoticon instead of a like , that is hilarious!  And exactly how we feel sometimes.

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At my grief group yesterday, the facilitator shared this quote that he said a mentor gave him to share with others who need it.  I thought it was remarkable, and indeed it made me choke up the first time I read through it.  I don't know who to credit, unfortunately, but I'm sure someone here will know!  😊

"In time, but certainly not yet. the grief of his/her loss will fade and be replaced by the realization of what a miracle it was that s/he ever existed in the first place."

 

 

 

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I don't know who wrote it, but it's beautiful.  It's something I feel like framing, "What a miracle it was that s/he ever existed in the first place."

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Am not sure I have reached that yet, and then I wonder, and I wonder some more, and yes, it is true, "What a miracle it was that he ever existed in the first place."  But, something else I always wonder and it is the same, "What a miracle it was that he put up with me for 54 years."  No one else could have.  

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It’s a beautiful quote.  

One I will struggle with because of the life he gave me, but also pain I could have never conceived existed. This will be a push pull dilemma the rest of my life.  Don’t want to have not had those great times, but who would I have been if we never met?  He would have existed, but what if my roommate hadn’t worked in that bar?  Would my life be more livable emotionally if I had a different path? I always make things more complicated in this grief.  I’m so tired of the endless pain.  The love I sometimes wish I never knew could exist.  Echoes of memories.  Feeling so lost facing regular life.  

The miracle for me is I keep getting up every day when my first waking thought is of him.  Now is where you quit reading because it’s pretty boring and self pitying.  Where most would journal but that feeds the loneliness.  You have been warned.  

I am so grateful for this family here.  Where I can say whatever I feel.  It’s so terribly hard now to know if this massive depression is from within me or the medicine changes that have been made since May.  I know everything went downhill since then but keep being told when I get to taking enough I’ll feel better.  Now my shrink suggested to up my antidepressant which is like throwing the door open for panic attacks to adjust to.  That would also mean 2 meds changes and how do you determine which is doing what?  I had a bad week because I got banned from an area where I volunteer as I wrote in another thread.  I seriously hurt my back trying to do something that seemed innocuous.  My shrink didn’t ask why I was more down and while they don’t do counseling, I’m seeing him tomorrow and telling him of these occurrences.  I understand it might help me handle things better, but that will take weeks to kick in.  And are are things always  in need of a drug?  I’m sorry if this is so disjointed and not clear.  Just have to get it out.  

This and my counselors are the only places I can say as I feel and not get pat advice.  Where I can say I don’t really want to be here anymore.  I don’t want to die, but I sure wish this life thing had some more good things even if I have to now be alone.  To not be totally a bummer of a person, I do have 2 furry faces that look at me with love (or so I choose to believe when it’s more likely if I will give them food).  I told an aquaintance about the added med advice and she, as usual, challenged my reluctance.  I so miss my best friend that would just hold me and say.....we’ll get thru this and that was Steve.  It always will be.  I like we better than I.

 

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5 hours ago, Marg M said:

Am not sure I have reached that yet, and then I wonder, and I wonder some more, and yes, it is true, "What a miracle it was that he ever existed in the first place."  But, something else I always wonder and it is the same, "What a miracle it was that he put up with me for 54 years."  No one else could have.  

Marg M:  I had to laugh when I read  what you wrote.  I used to tell my husband that he wasn't to go before me, cause I knew "No one else would put up with me".  He laughingly agreed with me with a grin and that sparkle in his beautiful blue eyes.   We were married two months short of 51 years.  Dee

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And Dee, those over 50 years only seemed like a moment in time.  Just too short a time.  I always said I wanted 54 more.  Yes, I am selfish.

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Ron has been gone over 6 years now, and Debbie  for 5. In a way, it still seems like yesterday. The hole in my heart and the emptiness in my soul will never heal. A couple of years after they died, I think I had visions of jumping in my truck and heading for parts unknown, just me and Marley. But those were short lived due to my fascination with throwing all my extra money away in casinos. It was a way to escape reality.  I have not been near a casino in over two years now, which is saying a lot for a compulsive gambler. In that respect, I gained a little sense.

Being that most of us are older, in addition to the black cloud of sadness that we live under,  I guess it is logical that the black cloud of physical difficulties we face would be right there beside it. I have never before felt so tired or in so much pain from various maladies. Right now I am fighting another UTI and another blasted gum infection. I thought sure I was rid of the gum infections after having all those teeth removed. Not so! I got my partial for my bottom teeth, but haven't worn it much as it needs adjusted and then WHAM! along came this blasted infection. I feel like a walking pharmacy. Can't sleep for more than a couple of hours without having to go to the bathroom. Went for my physical in July and doctor wants me to go to a cardiologist because something on my heart didn't look right. Told him I wasn't going and NO, I don't want a mammogram, colonoscopy, shingles shot, etc. I did fill a script for an antidepressant, but after reading the side effects, decided I don't want that either. I am not a good patient. I kind of feel like Edward G, Robinson in "Soylent Green". You're old now, so let me help you on your way.

On a side note, I have mentioned before that Debbie's kids in Kentucky don't bother to ever contact me. They are on Facebook, as is my son. He noticed that my granddaughter, Michelle has a new husband. Wonder what happened to the old one? I really liked him. Oh well, none of my business, I guess.

Peace, everyone. It's one thing we can all hope for.

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26 minutes ago, KarenK said:

NO, I don't want a mammogram, colonoscopy, shingles shot, etc.

Colonoscopy would kill me.  They know I don't want anything done but my limping and using a cane is bothering my family, but damn, I don't want to go to doc.  Said if something GYN happened they could only do a D&C.  Well, at least that was a relief from putting  my feet up in stirrups.  

Karen, my granddaughter is looking for her 3rd.  I don't think she has let her 2nd know yet though.  But think she has found her 3rd.  And my Brianna is scared of dating.  Beautiful beyond words.  At her request, I rescued her from two, one of them I was hesitant, but it was what she wanted.  

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I am going for a mammogram tomorrow and I an concerned.  I always had problems with them, but now I have the pacemaker there also. Can not even imagine how that will feel.  I will find out!  

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Yeah, Karen, age does bring physical problems.  But geez......I wish there were a limit on how many at once.  My count is at 4.  I hear ya all the tests.  I’ve said no to the very same ones and that shingles vaccine.  Read too many stories of people getting it after the vaccine.  I don’t think of it as being a bad patient anymore.  I just don’t let white coats push me around the medical chessboard anymore. I’m my one advocate now.   Every one if them, even in the same specialty, has different things they want you to do.  One of the best movies I saw was The Doctor where William Hurt was a snooty surgeon who gets cancer and had to be a patient with no special frill treatment.  He learned empathy from it and made the residents he taught undergo every test they would prescribe so they understood how patients felt.  I’m tired of hearing how great the meds are for a colonoscopy.  No mammograms.  Those kinda things I’d maybe do if I had a reason to want to be as healthy as possible.  He’s gone.

I'm so sorry your grandkids let you down. That has to be heartbreaking.

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