The club no one wants to join

[KarenK]

My hands shake also when trying to do something that requires dexterity. At night, it is worse. I find myself bracing my hand against something when I'm trying to string beads or holding my wrist with the other hand while trying to eat. This started a few years ago. My father had Parkinsons and became too embarrassed to eat in restaurants. I have no other symptoms of it so I just chalk it up to old age and forge ahead.

[Margm]

Only a few on my dad's side has escaped this.  My granddaddy died (I hate that word) on my 13th birthday.  My other grandfather only five months before.  My granddaddy was 56, an "old man."  One of my bosses at the hospital, he was one of the department leaders, a neurology doctor for so many years assured me I did not have Parkinson's.  It was not inherited he said.  Granddaddy's brother had it at the same time he did.  As a little girl we would pass by our only bar on Main street (town of only about 5,000 at it's biggest, then the mill left, so did the people).  My granddaddy and his brother would be talking in their bent over stance, (in front of the bar, probably their only medicine); I knew all the symptoms, etc., when I worked at the hospital.  Not inherited.   I retired from that hospital in 1997.  In that year they found faulty genes could be passed to family members by their parents.  Not all the time.  My 2nd cousin has it, she was the niece of both of these men.  Mine is not Parkinson's, and I won't undergo a battery of tests to find out what.  My aunt had my tremor, my dad did also, but I had it youngest of any of them.  My other aunt will not see visitors.  They do not call her's Parkinson's, but she did not develop it until her 70's.  My kids do not have it, but I passed down enough bad genes to make up for it.  Okay, enough neurologic word salad.  At least it does not hurt at all where the cancer cure hurts enough places to make up for it.

You know, in this apartment house we are next door to a house with a huge dog that is kept inside a very large fenced in (lumber side to side, cannot see the dog), but he barks night and day.  The man upstairs plays video games loudly.  I've gotten to where I do not hear them unless I concentrate on them.  There is a huge field behind the apartments.  Deer live in that field.  The manager is a "cat lady" and we have cats that multiply like rabbits and then somehow they disappear.  I thought I saw a shadow pass in the hall.  Will keep it to myself.  No one can get in.  Billy did not believe in the supernatural.  I did enough to be afraid at times he would laugh at.  I think there are so many things that are, things we don't understand, like the shaking, it just is.  We accept life.  And yet, I am apprehensive of the jealousy I feel for my long ago friend following his life long love after three months.  I feel he is already with her.  I am happy  for them.

 

 

 

  

[kayc]

I'm sorry so many of you deal with the tremors...I agree, Marg, as Parkinson's is not the only cause of tremors, I have a friend with severe tremors and he doesn't have Parkinson's.

No tremors here but my weakened right hand/wrist is worsening so that it's difficult to do what I need to do.  It's even affected my handwriting, which is now slower, more laborious and appears shakier simply because of the pain I have.  Typing/keying is so much easier but too much of it can also take it's toll.  Hauling wood around the corner of my ramp likes to send me 2' under!  Shoveling snow is more painful too, thankfully have only had a couple of really bad days this winter, the others were more manageable.

[Margm]

I make a grocery list and cannot read it.  My "1 and 9" have a little tiny circle on the end, and a straight line has many loops.  People do not get angry.  I tell them and they help me.  Honestly, my signature is prettier than any doctor I ever worked for.  One doctor signed his name with a little sperm, tail and all.  I always thought of him as a Dick (Nixon).  I added the Nixon so it would not be too harsh on sensitive people.  

[Kieron]

I don't know how I reached the three year point.  But here I am.  The strange relief that the pandemic didn't hit during his last month of life... that weird sense of relief is actually more bothersome at the moment, but I am able to put it into context, versus wondering if I had grown too casual about this whole anniversary.  If that make sense...

At any rate, to distract from the endless noise from anxious people, I turned to my springtime hobby of Ukrainian Easter eggs.  Mark found me a starter kit for making these, and at first I was skeptical but once I figured out how, I really got into it.  It's very meditative.  I hope you enjoy.  In the symbolic language of Ukrainian Easter eggs, the star (also referred to as a rose, if there are multiple petals) represents the Sun, warmth and life returning from the darkness of winter.  Some say it represents as well as the presence of God or Spirit or whatever you want to call it.  The band around the perimeter of the egg is called an eternity band, and (obviously) represents eternity or timelessness.  The wave or meander is a classic symbol as well, and can mean water or just eternity.  There are infinite ways to design the star on an eggshell, and I find myself returning to it again and again.

The method is known as wax resist, and in certain parts of the world it is called batik (think of the colorful saris that Indonesian women wear).  It's been in use for generations, reaching back into pre-historic times.   The people of what is now Eastern Europe revered the egg, because in a time when winter was hanging on and food was scarce, birds began to lay eggs as the Sun returned, and of course when you crack an egg, what drops out but the Sun!  So people associated eggs with the return of life, food and energy for survival, and began to decorate eggs in the springtime, and the eggs gradually took on magical meaning, held powers against evil and misfortune, and they supported the return of warmth, life, food, abundance, and happier times.  Then along came Christianity and it blended rather seamlessly with this tradition.  There are esoteric or hidden meanings as well which require some study to understand, but it's really quite a fascinating topic for me.

I hope this takes your mind off the heaviness of the times, even momentarily.

[kayc]

Very beautiful!  What is the egg made out of or is it a real egg?  If so do you blow the egg out?  Too pretty and too much work to toss away!  Do you use a stencil?  The design is so perfect!

I feel mixed emotions, both wishing George were here to go through this with and relieved he's spared...but leaning more to wishing he were here.  We could go through anything together.

Three years...I never have learned what to say on death-anniversaries...just hope today goes okay for you and am glad you are keeping your thoughts/activities positive.

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

I hope this takes your mind off the heaviness of the times, even momentarily.

Kieron, this is beautiful.  I'm headed toward my 78th year and I had never heard of this.  My daughter would like to do this.  My hands shake too bad.  I tried getting one of the pretty adult coloring books, thinking coloring would help me, but found I could no longer color between the lines and was so disappointed.  If I did not have the hand shaking so bad, I could and would have helped make the simplistic masks the nurses are begging for and certainly our government should provide for these Angels of Mercy.  

This is really wonderful and I'm going to tell my daughter about it and have her look it up.  I wish I could be steady enough to do this, but when I am cooking, I've began having trouble turning over things in a frying pan.  

Again, these are beautiful.  

I read up the page and find my thoughts are only on my shakiness.  I'm sorry about that.  It really is what it is and I should be happy I can still walk instead of talking about my minimal physical stupidities.  You have such a beautiful hobby and again, I think my daughter would love this.  

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Kieron said:

The method is known as wax resist, and in certain parts of the world it is called batik (think of the colorful saris that Indonesian women wear).  It's been in use for generations, reaching back into pre-historic times.

Kieron:  My heart goes out to you as you reach your three year point without Mark.  As you create your Ukrainian Easter Egg you must feel him watching you.

I did not realize this type of artwork can be done with the wax resist method.  Many years ago I took a class in batik on cloth.  My pieces were not even close to your beautiful precise Easter Egg.  You are very talented.  Your describing the meaning of each symbol makes this art so meaningful.  Thank you for the uplift today.  Dee

[Kieron]

Thank you.  I've been doing these for 18+ years now.

Kay, it's a real egg, emptied out beforehand.  I have ruined too many full ones that cracked and leaked, for various technical reasons, to bother with full ones anymore.  Traditionalists only use full ones.  in the old days the eggs would dry out over time because the whites would evaporate, leaving the yolk to dry out and rattle inside like a bean or pebble.  Nowadays the shells are thinner b/c of chemicals and pollution etc. so they are more likely to rot inside and explode.  No thanks.

It's not a stencil.  The design is sketched out in pencil very lightly, on the white shell, b/c then you can somewhat erase mistakes.  Once you begin to apply hot beeswax with the heated stylus, the wax adheres firmly and will not remove until the end stage.  Once you are done with layers of wax and dye, the egg is held next to a candle flame.  The beeswax melts off readily, and you can gently  wipe it away, revealing the design.  It's a tedious, laborious process but when it turns out well, the feeling of accomplishment is unmatched!  😎

Marg, tell her they are called pysanky.  Singular, the word is pysanka.  She can find online groups where tricks and tips and styles and how-to's can be found.  I learned a lot from experienced people this way, as well as my own mistakes.  She can get supplies from several vendors so if she wants references, let me know.  I know a lot of people and vendors by now.  The cost is minimal, compared to a lot of hobbies! 

If it's any comfort, I have a slight tremor that I can adjust for (again, practice) and have to use magnification for best results.  Ah well.

 

[Kieron]

Thank you, Dee.  it's the result of years of practice.  There is a stylus used in this method that delivers very fine lines, for precision. 

And you won't see the bad ones.  LOL  My first two I still have in a box.  I take them out sometimes to remind myself how far I have come.

[Gwenivere]

What a beautiful hobby.  I echo what everyone else feels about your talent.

 I’m so sorry about meeting another year marker.  They’re like another slash on on hearts of the best thing we ever had being lost to us.  Sometimes I wonder when my whole heart will be wrapped in bandages that never truly stick.

my thoughts are with you.

 

[KarenK]

Kieron, simply beautiful and so perfect. You obviously have steady hands and a great deal of patience, neither of which I possess. I have seen Batik on cloth(as Dee mentioned) at craft shows, but nothing like this.

I used to do embroidery kits until my old eyes and unsteady hands said "No more"! I switched to setting loose faceted gemstones in silver which became tedious and expensive. Now I make gemstone bead jewelry(nothing intricate or fancy). Easier to handle and I love making different color combinations. Being OCD, I have enough beads around here to dress up the world. 

Ron was the one who always encouraged me to try new things. I'm sure Mark is smiling down on you as you create new pieces.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I feel mixed emotions, both wishing George were here to go through this with and relieved he's spared...but leaning more to wishing he were here.  We could go through anything together.

This is a no brainer for me.  I want him here.  I can only compare this isolation to times we were snowed in and what a difference it made to have someone to talk to and share the time.

i got a very harsh email from my Sunday friend lecturing me about my going out every day.  I can’t do walks and drives are depressing for so many empty parking lots.  I go out every day for one item on my grocery list.  She made very valid points about my compromised health and if I would get care as I am older with existing conditions and they would probably place someone younger as more in need.  There would be the concern if anyone would take the dogs after exposure. I had talked to my grief counselor last night and she said it was a personal choice.  She understood my need for just being around others (at a safe distance) because of the intense depression.  

I don’t know what anyone else here feels about my activity, but I’m not opposed to hearing it if you think I am a danger to others.  For all I know I can have it as it takes time to incubate.  I have never doubted the seriousness of this.  I guess my thinking was I see people every day shopping and grab what I went to get and do all the cleansing going in and leaving.  I have to grab my mail everyday and I can’t sanitize that.  

We are supposed to have a phone call in an hour or so and she is very intent on browbeating me about this.  I feel like some idiot from her email.  She has her partner, goes out shopping only when needed or for RX's.  She’s always so matter of fact on things I face alone.  She has lived alone too.  I dunno, it’s got me all wound up.  Her stand on the isolation is it is the new norm and just adapt to it.  She’s actually right.  I feel even more a misfit than ever. 

This is a very long way of saying I wish Steve were here.  I wouldn’t be doing this alone including the major crisis last week with our dog that had to be hospitalized.  I’m so sick of being on the phone or in print as my life if it even is a life as it sure doesn’t feel like it.  

[kayc]

I am going to try to get groceries tomorrow, it's 100 mile round trip but I don't see the difference if it's a lot or little driving, both involves going into the store around people/contamination.  It scares me but I'll wear disposable gloves and bring wipes.  Honestly it's a game of odds...the more we touch/encounter things, the greater chance we have of contracting it.  It can be on anything, money, mail, fresh vegetables, etc.  It scares me to have to count $ at the church too.  I need more disposable gloves to get me through this but we're out of PPE.

BTW, I'm proud of you for making it through your dog's crisis on your own, I know that was hard.

Try not to let people browbeat you.  If you're keeping your distance, you are trying to practice safety.  I get out and walk Kodie and Joe every day but stay home as much as possible...not seeing friends/family.  My sister's husband is paranoid about this so I'm not going to go visit them.  Just 1 1/2 weeks ago they went to a casino, go figure.

[Kieron]

Gwen, is this person projecting her own "stuff" onto you?  Browbeating is particularly nasty.  I used to work around someone who was like that, and the environment (and she was in charge and she let you know it) became so toxic that I had to leave or become ill or depressed.  Ugh! 

[Gwenivere]

I think it’s common sense stuff, but she gets very in your face about it.  I always feel like a kid being lectured.  And yes, she is very paranoid about infection.  We all should be careful and concerned but I don’t tell others what to do.  I’m not in contact with others to infect them.  It’s more a danger touching products, money, door handles and key pads like in check outs.  I can’t control if items were touched by someone else.  All I can do is try to maintain protocol bringing things into my home.  While I was out getting the Sunday paper today I got a take out sub sandwich.  I’m hoping that the gloves were protection enough.  After I put my change away I used sanitizer.  Thanks for your input.

Kay, I hope you can get enough groceries that you won’t need to make another trek for a long time.  So many basics are gone here.  Rice, flour, bread is iffy, obviously paper products, even pet food is being depleted.  I noticed eggs were getting in short supply.  Although more pricey, frozen seems the way to go if you have storage for it.  I stocked up on apples for me and carrots for the dogs.  I buy lots of peanut butter too.  Quick and fast protein.  Let us know how you fare.  I passed one down roots grocery and they were only allowing a certain amount of people in so there was a line.  Some would leave and someone could go in.  The big stores aren’t doing that.  Hope that doesn’t happen.  I’d have to order online and go pick it up with my pain and need for oxygen after a time.  Don’t need it now if I can go right in.  I guess that would cut down on impulse buys.  🙂

 

[kayc]

I heard they were out of peanut butter, I hope not, will look for it today.  Esp. since I'm making Chaffles out of it (1/4 c.peanut butter, 2 eggs, 2/3 c.mozzarella cheese, 1 tsp vanilla, dash cinnamon makes the most unbelievable waffles!  Great texture/taste, and they hold you).

I'm buying fresh eggs from neighbors, costs twice as much but worth it for taste and convenience.

Yeah, they're rationing pet food too, I hope I have enough to last Kodie until this simmers down.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I heard they were out of peanut butter, I hope not, will look for it today.  Esp. since I'm making Chaffles out of it (1/4 c.peanut butter, 2 eggs, 2/3 c.mozzarella cheese, 1 tsp vanilla, dash cinnamon makes the most unbelievable waffles!  Great texture/taste, and they hold you).

kayc: Chaffles Sound Yum.  Is this a keto diet recipe? or diabetes recipe?  Dee

[Gwenivere]

That sounds like a great recipe.  I never heard of Chaffles or would have thought of it.  I bought oatmeal when I was out as that sounded good and I hadn’t had any in decades.  Only thing is.....not enough protein.  Gonna need a few bites of PB to back it up.  Gotta get wat you can get, even if your neighbors charge more for eggs.  I’ve had to buy more expensive stuff just for availability.  Really runs my frugal side raw.  

[kayc]

Keto is very low carb, so yes, for Diabetics too, although good for anyone, and it's delicious.    This is high on protein.

So they were out of my needed Mozerella so will have to try for some next time.  I was the only one that wiped down my cart and wore gloves.  Wondering why, are people not taking this seriously?  The store wasn't doing it.  Some of the prices have doubled in the last two weeks.  I got a package of T-paper, also doubled in price, I think it was 9 rolls.  Will get me by for a bit longer.  They had carts of stuff to stock on the shelves everywhere in the aisles so people were too close quarters passing by each other yet when I got to the check stand...and I'm not exaggerating, they made us stand 20' behind the person checking out, yet they were scrunched up in line!  Didn't make any sense and the clerk was very snippy.  Left at 7 am when it got light, spent the day putting things away, cooking, walking dogs.  Glad to have it done with for a couple of weeks.

Today is my son's birthday and he'll find out if he can still go to work or not.  Not sure how he'll support his family w/o work but he'll figure it out. Some places are allowing skipped payments but not all places.  My mortgage is due tomorrow, they aren't skipping any.  Worried about my daughter.

[Kieron]

Found elsewhere, felt it was worth re-posting.

[Gwenivere]

I couldn’t agree more.  I know how I view the world and what truly matters has drastically changed.  Hearing the stuff a lot of people bitch  about just rolls off me.  I have forgotten that former life.  I kinda miss some of it.  How nice it would be merely annoyed someone parked too close to me.  Or miss my favorite candy bar is out of stock.  Now I fake it for friends.  Part of being a friend is taking an interest, just wish I felt more genuine about it.  It’s hard the other way around too.  I try to talk about stuff they take interest in as they’ve burned out on my grief.  I understand why.  They don’t live it daily.  

I don’t know how all of you feel, but when I am out around people I know I don’t fit anymore.  I look like the norm, but I’m just a shell walking around.  I’ve seen homeless people with more passion for life than I have.  That leads to that destructive guilt but more feeling philanthropic.  Since my needs are so small and theirs so large, it’s something I can do.

of course it is Steve I miss the most.  One tangible is my 30th anniversary ring.  Thought I lost it twice and went into full panic mode.  That was a landmark to everything we had I can still have with me, unlike him.  One of the best nights of my life when I got that with a poem he wrote.  He even strung the ring in the card and gave me the empty box first.  

Long way of going about saying again, it’s an excellent quote.

 

[Kieron]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

One of the best nights of my life when I got that with a poem he wrote.  He even strung the ring in the card and gave me the empty box first.  

Aww, that's sweet!  🥰

I kind of know what you mean.  Whenever I had to do something unpleasant or complete some task, I would remind myself "The worst has already happened. You can do this."  Sometimes that helped.  🙁

[kayc]

So what's your favorite candy bar, Gwen?

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

He even strung the ring in the card and gave me the empty box first.

What a special memory!  I love hearing of the way people do their romantic gestures. 

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

Whenever I had to do something unpleasant or complete some task, I would remind myself "The worst has already happened. You can do this." 

True, I use George's death as a benchmark for level of importance.  Everything else is lesser.

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, Kieron said:

Whenever I had to do something unpleasant or complete some task, I would remind myself "The worst has already happened. You can do this."

Kieron:  Such a true statement.  Will keep this thought in my memory bank, maybe it will help push me to face those unpleasant tasks that keep popping up.  I usually tell myself before walking out the door to face one of those appointments, etc., "This time tomorrow, it will be in my past." 

Thank you for sharing. Dee